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every conversation is war, accusations,abuse


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cagedunicorn

hi new here! 12 year long relationship me 26 he 28. everything we need to discuss ( child, food, dishes) seems to turn into an argument. in one day we can go from barbecuing at 3pm to me calling the cops at 6pm. we cannot go more than 2 weeks without arguing. it turns into name calling screaming mean comments and has even gotten physical numerous occasions. i am told i am too arrogant and prideful and that i never think i am wrong. i do not believe this. hoping i can get a few responses. here is the most recent scenario

after a good night i got a random text after 5pm after no contact all day.

complaints about me.

 

why was he deleted off FB

i am inconsiderate

i am too unorganized

he doesn't like my patterns

I have hidden agendas

There are too many things he cannot respect about me

If we break up he knows who my next option is

I've got a pep in my step that isn't from him

 

 

the list goes on I need some SERIOUS advice and just insight we see a counselor on Saturday our second session first was over 3 year ago ( long story)

 

any and all comments welcome

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Youve been together since age 14? Its time to part ways and experience life unattached to each other. Violence, constant fightings, police? Why would you want to make this into a family with kids? Please dont. Time to breakup and enjoy other things life has to offer.

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Why would you want to make this into a family with kids? Please dont.

 

Too late...

 

everything we need to discuss ( child, food, dishes)

 

OP, are you married?

 

Mr. Lucky

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The human brain doesn't even fully develop until approximately age 25. You started this relationship when you were not fully formed. You chose each other as partners while still children (14 and 16) with no way of knowing who you were going to become as adults.

 

The relationship has become a mess of arguments and abuse. I think it's time to admit that maybe you chose partners too early on to judge real adult personality compatibility and it's time for you to separate and move on.

 

You mentioned a child. The relationship you and your SO share is your child's template for a romantic relationship. Your child will follow your example. Do you want your child growing up to be abused or an abuser? Constant arguments and occasional violence in the home is a generational cycle that will be repeated unless you DO SOMETHING.

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Time to call it quits before you end up hating each other. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you.

 

The frequency of arguments over trivial or more important issues just shows you are incompatible. Quite clearly you two are not.

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This sounds really unhealthy. If there is abuse it's actually recommended not to do couples therapy.

 

I truly believe how a person handles a disagreement is more important that anything in a relationship because that's what will either keep things strong or grow resentment. You might want to google 5 horsemen of the apocalypse which is written by Gottman. If these things are present the statistics that you will last are not very good. Gottman did many years of research and has a good success rate and predicting breakups based on how people argue.

 

I highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and The Verally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. If those books resonate with you I highly advise you to move on. It will be hard in the beginning but once free of a toxic situation and having some time on your own you will feel better.

Edited by Miss Peach
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No not married

 

After 12 years and a child, why not the commitment to each other marriage represents :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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cagedunicorn

My same thoughts..

 

clCommon sense says it is because he either doesn't want that with me or isn't ready in general

 

And honestly with the abuse and constant arguing that's not a good marriage either way

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OP, while your commitment to this relationship is admirable, it's also stupid. I get the feeling that you are spending your time walking on eggshells lest he have another outburst at you. While this may be something you're kind of OK with, it's awful for your child to be housed within such a volatile relationship.

 

Your child's need to be within a healthy, solid relationship is paramount to it's development.

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My same thoughts..

 

clCommon sense says it is because he either doesn't want that with me or isn't ready in general

 

Huh? He's willing to have a child and 12-year relationship with you but isn't ready for marriage?

 

Hate to deliver tough love but there's no way this seemingly unsatisfactory set-up could have gone on this long without your implied consent and participation. If marriage was what you wanted, why not kick him to the curb when he didn't deliver after a couple of years :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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In one day we can go from barbecuing at 3pm to me calling the cops at 6pm. we cannot go more than 2 weeks without arguing. it turns into name calling screaming mean comments
Caged, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., very controlling actions, verbal and physical abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your partner has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your partner exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of that BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

...and has even gotten physical numerous occasions.
Caged, the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse by a male adult is strongly associated with that adult exhibiting strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. It therefore is not surprising that intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

 

If your partner is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

We see a counselor on Saturday.
If your partner exhibits only mild to moderate BPD traits, a marriage counselor (MC) may be helpful. If he exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, however, marriage counseling likely will be a total waste of time -- until he has had at least several years of intensive therapy to address his more serious issues. Absent such intensive treatment, teaching communication skills to a BPDer likely will only make him better at manipulating you -- and will give him an audience (i.e., the MC) for his "I am the victim" performance.

 

My advice, given your reluctance to leave him, is that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your child are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your partner's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance. Take care, Caged.

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cagedunicorn

Circumstances changing I guess

Financed

Not wanting to not have my kids dad with us

And I love him and truly want it to work

 

Nothing I do seems to work...

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Circumstances changing I guess

Financed

Not wanting to not have my kids dad with us

And I love him and truly want it to work

 

Nothing I do seems to work...

 

Well you've set the bar pretty low. You've taught him he can ignore and disrespect you, doesn't matter because you're not going anywhere.

 

At some point, you're going to have to either change the cycle or accept this as your lot in life. The choice is up to you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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cagedunicorn

Hello, so while I am not married I have been in a relationship for 12 years me and my partner have a eight-year-old son and we met in high school. I am trying to get a general idea of what things couples general argue over because it seems as if we argue over every little things

 

SCENARIO

I am not the most organized person he has expressed this being a problem many times I do my best to fix it including purchasing items specifically to organize shoes or nail polish shoes etc.. Today when I came home I noticed piles of dishes ( he cleaned out the fridge) I washed them all as I usually do. Upon realizing that he threw out good food I mentioned it and basically the Zolton was me being blamed for either cooking too much food or not making use of food that's already cooked careless was even used. So I suggested that maybe if he notices something being unused to let me know BEFORE its spoiled his response is " why are you trying to come at me about this, I have nothing to do with the way you keep the fridge" so I go into the this is a two adult household and I am not perfect and need help and it isn't fair for me to prep and prepare meals EVERY NIGHT and be responsible for washing the dishes cleaning the kitchen AND managing the fridge. He just continues to surf the web on his phone TOTALLY IGNORING ME! I continue to talk then stop for 3 minutes ( feeling like an idiot) after thinking I decided to throw in an explanation as to why I often feel he doesn't support me and my ideas/optionions and that sitting ignoring me makes me feel bad and insupprted..

 

THINGS GOT BAD

yelling about how unimportant the topic was and that there are bigger issues like bills needing to be paid and how I am being extra dramatic over dishes and how messy the house was when he came home and how messy the fridge was and how sick of things he is and do o have any idea what it took for him to clean the fridge and how he makes no mess

 

 

Everyone has their own ideas on what "normal" is but there must be some guidelines or SOMETHING. what did I do wrong here?

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Wow..petty disputes are seldom the cause of things...they're the symptom. After reading a few of your posts, I see 2 things.

1. You 2 have not figured a hierarchy in your relationship. You both seem dominant personalities ( by the symptom of the cops getting called..BTW, don't ever call them unless it is life threatening...they only make domestic squabbles worse..), but only one can lead. A partnership of equals seldom works out...someone has got to take the 51%.

2. You 2 need counseling on how to communicate with each other. There is a difference between a complaint and a criticism...one is a complaint about an act or behavior, and one is a complaint with a character assassination.

Ie....I don't like it when you throw out good food. vs You threw out the good food which is typical and all you do is play on your phone.....etc.

 

Your disputes are symptoms of a bigger issue about communication, respect, and the roles you play in your relationship. Get couples counseling...or wait for more qualified people here to respond...I'm an amateur.

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cagedunicorn

I see your points. I did enroll us in counseling ( we agreed on) we went to one and then he never mentioned going back its like it never happened. As far as the cops it has always been necessary never have called to be spiteful.

 

 

Sound advice amateur or not! Thank you

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If your fights are so bad that police presence is necessary then that relationship really needs to end, doesn't matter who is at fault. That is a horrible environment for a child.

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Having police called to an argument is not normal. Not even a little bit normal.

 

Now, about the fridge thing: It's a ridiculous thing to argue over and you're both criticising each other's work. As you saw, one of the quickest ways to get up someone's nose is to tell someone they did a job wrong.

 

If he chucked out food which was good, it's because he didn't know how old the food was. If sorting the fridge is his job and you're worried about him throwing out good stuff, then you should put the food in tupperware with expiry dates stuck on. But if you don't like how he did the job, either do the job together or do it yourself.

 

In turn, in this Western world of consumerism, it's totally normal to over cook or over buy. Yes, it's great to freeze extras where possible or recycle them for lunch, but it doesn't always work. If he doesn't like how you do the job he should do it with you or do it himself.

 

As far as cooking, planning, shopping and fridge.... It's reasonable for you to do it all if you're a stay at home mom. If you work as many hours as he does, then it's reasonable for him to help.

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Lois_Griffin

Welcome to the rest of your life.

 

You got together WAY TOO YOUNG and you keep trying to force something that no longer works.

 

And you refuse to see it.

 

Sometimes, love just ain't enough.

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. As far as the cops it has always been necessary never have called to be spiteful.

 

 

 

Wow! Now I have had the cops called on me years ago(25+)with my current wife and vice versa, but in hindsight it was not even close to life threatening and more a " I'm gonna call mom" type of thing....they never really needed to be called. Nothing happened with them BTW. But, if you're in life threatening situations now, that is really volatile and and you need to get in a safer environment.

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Upon realizing that he threw out good food I mentioned it and basically the Zolton was me being blamed for either cooking too much food or not making use of food that's already cooked careless was even used.

 

Is money a big problem here?

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As far as the cops it has always been necessary never have called to be spiteful.

 

 

If calling the cops is "necessary", then it is about time you gave up on this relationship for your own safety.

Has it always been like this?

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ShatteredLady

Are YOU physically violent when you guys fight?

 

My marriage isn't great but NEVER have I feared for my physical safety. The police have never been called to our home. No, it's NOT normal, it's really not!

 

My husband is VERY passive aggressive at times. He has been known the throw a fit & sulk over something as silly as the fridge but that's never what it's really about....often it's about something even more dumb but he is terrible at communication particularly if he's tired or hungry type grumpy.

Edited by ShatteredLady
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cagedunicorn

Yes and no we aren't struggling but he will often be upset about food sitting in the fridge and being wasted instead of eaten we have had conversations about food being cooked and not eaten which is why I tried to suggest this time that he helps me by letting me know if there is food in the refrigerator that I should use before cooking more his response was that had nothing to do with me and that I am just too careless

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