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How to deal with spouse that disappoints?


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glassbrain

I am getting fed up with my husband and wondering if I am overreacting & want to know how to properly deal with this? I just want to know if this is how marriages are? Are you repeatedly disappointed by your spouse? How do you handle this?

 

Background:

 

He is 35 and in his 2nd year of medical school. Majority of his friends are mid early-mid 20's from school. He was my first relationship but now a days feel like I am his parent/roommate more than anything else. Dated for 5 years Married for 2.

 

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There have been multiple times over the past two months where he ends up at the bar with his classmates for about 4-5 hours after his classes without a heads up. Not even a simple text. In the beginning I was seriously worried- thinking something happened. Then there were times I had appointments and he was supposed to be back to watch our son and never showed up.

I have expressed EVERY time how this makes me feel- what is so hard with a simple text? He never has an answer and says he lost track of time because the bar is dark.

 

When he does finally get home he is obviously drunk- although he doesn’t believe so- slurring words/can’t walk straight. Oh, and he lost his phone last week because of this. Last few times this has occurred I already started dinner…he didn’t eat…& since he doesn’t like eating left overs, he just threw his plate in the trash. Yep.

I have no problem if he wants to hang with his younger buddies- who tell him things like ‘your wife can wait….she can watch your kid a few extra hours-it won’t hurt’. But, it’s the fact he comes home so drunk he instantly passes out. So, I get no break to myself…no help with our son… or those 4-5 hours could be spent on us since he never makes time for us.

 

He only had 1 hour of class yesterday…so he spent 8 hours out drinking. He said he tried to contact me but wasn’t able to...I don’t want to be that person that has to show up at a grown mans place with kid in tow to be like, WTF?!

 

Then the next day he acts like nothing happened.

He does not believe in apologizing because he was taught that you should not apologize because someone else is weak & can’t deal. So, there goes that.

 

He knows it makes me upset yet continues. He might skip a week- but does the EXACT same thing the following week.

 

You know it would be nice if he grabbed a pack of beers and came directly home while our son is taking his nap—maybe we can actually have sex?? It’s also been 6 months since that has occurred.

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Sounds like he's on a destructive path to failing out of med school. A lot of students are married and/or with children but they don't stay out in the bars — especially without notifying their spouse. He's an inconsiderate drunk. You shouldn't tolerate this behavior from him irrespective of your feelings and his status as the father of your child.

 

How is he going to pass his boards and clinicals if he's this irresponsible? I'm assuming he's taken out student loans to fund his education so he'll be on the hook for $150k+. Physicians are supposed to demonstrate competence and exercise good decision-making.

 

What was his motivation for med school? Why are you with him? What is the attraction, besides your son? You should consider marriage counseling and AA (possibly) for him, if he's abusing alcohol.

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lucy_in_disguise

It sounds like he's checked out of the marriage and is trying to push your boundaries till you get tired of it and call it quits. Are you sure he's not cheating on you?

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devilish innocent

This definitely sounds like a drinking problem to me. He is so enamored with getting drunk that he's placing it ahead of his family. I think you need to sit him down for a very serious talk some time when he is sober and not hung over. Let him know that he is at risk of losing his family if this continues. If he doesn't want that, then he needs to stop. If he can't stop, then there are treatment programs to help people with that predicament. By staying with him, when he is doing nothing to change or treat the problem, you are enabling his behavior.

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amaysngrace

Six months without sex? I'm sorry to say this but I think he may be cheating on you.

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I think he is cheating and lying about loosing track of time is why he doesn't text you when he's out. He's probably pretending to be drunker than he really is in order to avoid your questions and sex.

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Sounds like he's an alcoholic. How much is he spending on booze? He's a husband and a father and needs to be home with his family.

 

I would follow him and see if he is really going to the bar. If he is, does he have any family or friends that might be able to talk to him?

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If he's cheating, it's with Jack Daniels himself. It sounds like he is trying to escape something. Is there a reason he doesn't want to come home?

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BettyDraper

I'm wondering if your husband is using alcohol as a way to cope with the stress of medical school and fatherhood. Not that those realities are any excuse to develop a drinking problem and act selfishly...just a thought.

 

If you feel like a parent rather than a partner, that is a sign that you have become codependent which is not healthy. Think about whether or not you want your son to grow up seeing this dynamic.

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What was his motivation for med school? Why are you with him? What is the attraction, besides your son? You should consider marriage counseling and AA (possibly) for him, if he's abusing alcohol.

 

We already worked in the healthcare industry and wanted to attend one day. So, it is something he always wanted. We met in college and shared same interests/ideas/ ect.

He also doesn’t believe in counseling because he says that is for weak people.

 

 

 

It sounds like he's checked out of the marriage and is trying to push your boundaries till you get tired of it and call it quits. Are you sure he's not cheating on you?

 

It actually feels this way because there is no effort on his end and he constantly puts down(nitpicks) anything I do. There was a time the topic of divorce came up while speaking about a friend and he said if I wanted one to do it now while he is still young and that FYI he would be sure to get full custody and be sure to make me seem like the unfit parent. Since his parents have money this idea actually scares me.

 

I don’t think he is cheating because before he lost his phone he was always open with letting me see it…same thing with his Facebook. He also has been wanting me to apply to his medical school.

 

Would it be so bad if I just directly asked if he is cheating? Thing is, he doesn’t answer to certain questions unless you ask the “correct’ phrase he has in mind and only answers to yes/no questions. He does not elaborate or give up info either.

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Sounds like he's an alcoholic. How much is he spending on booze? He's a husband and a father and needs to be home with his family.

I would follow him and see if he is really going to the bar. If he is, does he have any family or friends that might be able to talk to him?

 

It seems his friends pay for him most of the time. Although there have been times he gets back and acts confused as to what happened to his cash.

The only person would be his mom but he might just act like I am the one with an issue. I notice he tries to make me look bad to his mom. Not sure why.

I am going to have to hang around the area one of these days-maybe wait at the bar and see what happens.

 

If he's cheating, it's with Jack Daniels himself. It sounds like he is trying to escape something. Is there a reason he doesn't want to come home?

I have asked many times but he never has anything to say. He just agrees or says "I knew you would bring this up" and either changes the conversation or gets up and starts doing something else. I have tried different settings/when he is in a good mood/when I am calm and still no luck.

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It sounds like you have developed a plan to wait until he's a doctor and then divorce him and are just looking for support of that plan.

 

 

I don't support it. I think you should divorce him now.

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It seems his friends pay for him most of the time. Although there have been times he gets back and acts confused as to what happened to his cash.

The only person would be his mom but he might just act like I am the one with an issue. I notice he tries to make me look bad to his mom. Not sure why.

I am going to have to hang around the area one of these days-maybe wait at the bar and see what happens.

 

 

I have asked many times but he never has anything to say. He just agrees or says "I knew you would bring this up" and either changes the conversation or gets up and starts doing something else. I have tried different settings/when he is in a good mood/when I am calm and still no luck.

 

No way are his friends buying his drinks all the time... I smell fire

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It sounds like you have developed a plan to wait until he's a doctor and then divorce him and are just looking for support of that plan.

 

 

I don't support it. I think you should divorce him now.

 

Rofl:lmao: I haven't devised any plan. I just wasn't sure if divorcing over this issue was good/legitimate enough/if this happens in other relationships, because everyone is always telling me marriage is hard and to work through it no matter what. But, I feel like there has to be a certain limit.

 

We are supposed to head back to the states to visit family and I am thinking of not returning. I just don't want to act rash to have an issue with custody.

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Rofl:lmao: I haven't devised any plan. I just wasn't sure if divorcing over this issue was good/legitimate enough/if this happens in other relationships, because everyone is always telling me marriage is hard and to work through it no matter what. But, I feel like there has to be a certain limit.

 

We are supposed to head back to the states to visit family and I am thinking of not returning. I just don't want to act rash to have an issue with custody.

 

 

 

See an attorney before anything rash!

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