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I'd also like to matter


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Just typing the topic is difficult and yet I feel the need to share this somewhere. I'd really like to feel that I actually mattered to my wife. Sadly, at the moment it just feels like we are simply co-habiting and doing our best to raise the kids.

 

Some background however, we've been married for 10+ years and our children are aged 5 and 3. I love my family dearly and could never imagine doing anything that I think could hurt them.

 

Our relationship is very balanced when it comes to the mundane items such as housework, caring for the kids and all the routine items. My wife often jokes that I do everything and she just takes care of the few items that are left. I don't mind this, I always try to make sure that I'm home in time to feed them supper and get at least one them ready for bed after which I clean up whatever has been left behind. I also actually enjoy cooking so weekends are my turn to cook for the family. All in all, I have no complaints in this regard.

 

My wife is self employed and currently things are a bit slow but this doesn't pose any threat. My career took of a few years ago so we could actually carry on without her working and not have to change our lifestyle. I know it bothers her though so I'm trying to be as supportive as possible in keeping her motivated, assisting with marketing and looking at new opportunities. In the months where its really quiet I also contribute to her expenses.

 

Everything revolves around work, the kids or extended family though. We get a night to ourselves once every 3 or 4 months now but other than that there isn't much to get excited about. Intimacy is down to once or twice a month now and even that feels forced.

 

A low point for me was last month, it was my birthday, my wife mentioned she was strugling to find me a gift so I took it on myself to put together a bunch of options and thought it funny to put it into a presentation which I emailed her. Basically I just suggested things ranging from staying at home, to going out for dinner, or just the 2 of us going away for 3 nights along with activities for each option. Ended it off with a message that all I actually wanted was some time for us and she just had to choose, I'd take care fo the rest. She mentioned that she got it and liked it but that was the sum of it. Ended doing nothing and no gifts.

 

But this isn't just about that one day, in general it just seems that there isn't an "us", or me for that matter, anymore.

 

Initially I thought it may have been something to do with me so I tried to "date" my wife again. Small gifts, movie nights at home, the occasional flirty situation, anything just to put the focus on us again. She plays along but nothing actually changes.

 

So, where to from here?

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Have you asked your wife what is happening? There clearly seems to be a disconnect somewhere. Communication is going to be key here. You need to tell her how you feel if you haven't already.

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Unfortunately, this is probably the way marriages go for a lot of people. We get into a rut and it takes us down a path we don't want to go. I do applaud your efforts to get out of the rut. Your email about your birthday was perfect. I think your first action should be to open a dialog with your wife and find out what is going on in her mind. That is the place to start. Have you shared with her how you feel? You are doing all the right things to bring your marriage back to thriving. But I do think there is a basic communication break down. Either she doesn't hear that you want to spend time with her, or there is something else going on in her mind. Keep trying to work through it friend, sounds like you have a lovely family. Counseling or a marriage seminar is always a possibility. They really help you take a deeper look into your relationship. My husband (of 27 yrs) and I just went to one weekend retreat at the National Institute of Marriage. The conference name was Speaking from the Heart.

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Have you asked your wife what is happening? There clearly seems to be a disconnect somewhere. Communication is going to be key here. You need to tell her how you feel if you haven't already.

 

I have raised it with her before, she agrees that we're drifting apart and she's sorry about that but in her mind it isn't time to focus on that now. The kids come first and we need to focus on them and their well being despite what we want. Our turn will come.

 

Long and short of it is to not be selfish and wait it out.

 

That discussion was 6 months to a year ago though and it hasn't gotten better since.

 

I'm more of the view that our kids lack for absolutely nothing and are spoilt with attention to the point where it is impossible for us to have an actual conversation without them trying to get more attention. I now basically leave the normal pleasantries like discussing how my day was until after they've gone to bed and even then its tedious as the eldest keeps getting up for an hour after her bed time to join in.

 

I've raised this as well, she's also sorry about that, but she's adamant it isn't changing.

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Maybe you should take a half day off work early and surprise her with some movie tickets?

 

 

Don't forget women tend to bond more by talking about things together, and men by doing things together, so the earlier poster mentioning communication being the key is spot on, I think.

 

 

Perhaps she doesn't feel needed?

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Unfortunately, this is probably the way marriages go for a lot of people. We get into a rut and it takes us down a path we don't want to go. I do applaud your efforts to get out of the rut. Your email about your birthday was perfect. I think your first action should be to open a dialog with your wife and find out what is going on in her mind. That is the place to start. Have you shared with her how you feel? You are doing all the right things to bring your marriage back to thriving. But I do think there is a basic communication break down. Either she doesn't hear that you want to spend time with her, or there is something else going on in her mind. Keep trying to work through it friend, sounds like you have a lovely family. Counseling or a marriage seminar is always a possibility. They really help you take a deeper look into your relationship. My husband (of 27 yrs) and I just went to one weekend retreat at the National Institute of Marriage. The conference name was Speaking from the Heart.

 

As per my reply to alsu I've raised the topic with her previously but the response hasn't been positive.

 

Thank you fot the encouragement though.

 

On the topic of counseling or seminars the most I've gotten her to try was The Five Love Languages. I felt rather positive about it at first, quickly worked through the book and got my part out of the way. Her response was...less than anticipated. Basically just did the scoring and then looked at my portion. In the end we'd agreed to set time apart, no laptops/phones/work one night a week, simply sitting together and watching a movie the other person chooses and then 30 minutes of conversation every other night before getting lost in the TV or whatever.

 

It only happened if I initiated unfortunately and eventually fell flat.

 

Guess that's why I'm here saying I'd also like to matter.

 

I love my wife, dearly, and believes that she still feels the same.

 

I'm just not one of her priorities, if I had to guess it would be something like: Kids, Work, Family and then Friends/Me with friends possibly pipping me in the end.

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My wife and I went through a similar period when the kids were younger (a little older than yours) but there was more anger and resentment and bitterness on her end because my priority was not every little thing under the sun before our marriage.

 

Honestly the thing that brought her to the negotiation table was when the counselor got through to her and was finally able to convince her that I had one foot out the door and the other close behind and that she was going to be a single mother on her own in a matter of months if not weeks if things didn't turn around.

 

This is actually a pretty dangerous and serious rut and sometimes it takes blowing something up to get the other to take it seriously.

 

This is very rarely if ever something that you can "nice" your way to a solution.

 

Some times the real crux is getting the other person to realize you are serious. Some times it takes a major shake up or a loss or the frank realization that they may be on their own with custody on Sun, Mon, Tues and every other Wed before they read the writing on the wall.

 

I my case it took the counselor getting her to realize that just because she wasn't willing to divorce to break out of the rut, I was.

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Well OP after 20 yrs of marriage and 3 kids, I know this one well.

 

First, most women don't feel comfortable leaving small kids for any length of time unless it's a close female relative..mom, sister, close cousin..etc. If you have those options available, then make the arrangements yourself for a short weekend..Friday after work until Sunday early afternoon. Don't ask, do. If not, then get a sitter for a Friday or Saturday from 7-12, and work the trust from there...again, don't ask, do.

Second, do what the other posters say..get some marriage counseling now! Do not wait. If she/you do not water the garden of your marriage periodically, then when them kids age out, you two will grow apart, or worse, resent each other, and then your marriage is done.

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I have raised it with her before, she agrees that we're drifting apart and she's sorry about that but in her mind it isn't time to focus on that now. The kids come first and we need to focus on them and their well being despite what we want. Our turn will come.

 

Have you asked your wife "our turn for what" ???? Her idea assumes that, after 18 years of ignoring each other, you'll flip a switch and reconnect. I wouldn't wait the next decade just to prove her wrong.

 

You'll have to force the issue as you see where passivity has gotten you. You've been given some good ideas - I wouldn't wait to implement them...

 

Mr. Lucky

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As usual mr. Lucky is spot-on. I was actually going to suggest filing for divorce and seeing if that served as a wake-up call but I think maybe mr. Lucky's strategy will be better off tried first.

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

Simple fact of the matter is that ppushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.

 

Decided to take an impromptu trip out of the city from Friday and actually got to talking again on Friday night. She is sorry about the situation and recognises that she neglects me, her words not mine, but she just can't see a way to change it. She feels depressed because she is consumed by all the other things she deals with. She appreciates what I do and feels Ido more than my share but the rest is still getting her under.

 

I didn't push the issue further and suggested that she simply relaxed for the next week while we were away from it all.

 

Next thing her parents are joining us with her brothers children in tow.

 

So I've just left it at that, will reconsider a way forward when home.

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Our kids are older now, but I'm a mom who strongly resisted leaving the kids when they were young. No regrets.

 

But we stayed close even with the kids around. Some tips:

 

Take family walks, let the kids run ahead, and hold her hand. Likewise, take her hand and hold it when driving together. This is especially nice when a loving or sexy song comes on the radio. Give a squeeze.

 

Rename the evening "mommy-daddy date time". Incorporate this language into your day, such as, "Ok, let's go to the park now so that we are home in time for baths. Mommy-daddy date time starts at 9!" My teenager still hears from me that I can't pick her up past such-and-such time because daddy and I have date time :laugh:

 

THen make mommy-daddy date time special. Arrange a plate with her favorite treats. H will pick up truffle cheese from Trader Joe's and bring me a plate with crackers. Just protect that time together. Yes, kids get up. My kids still get up and walk through the living room for that one last thing they forgot to get or do. That's ok. They also go back to bed. They learn in time.

 

Take her shopping for something that makes her feel pretty. THen suggest she wears it on an afternoon family outing. Beam at her and hold her hand.

 

Do little nice things for your wife and call her your "girlfriend" in front of the kids. For instance, my H often buys me dark chocolate. The young kids would ask for some, and he'd say, "Sorry, this is just for my girlfriend" :love: Of course, the kids had a million treats of their own, so it was totally fine for him to model that this is just for mommy--not to share.

 

Now that our kids are older, I think it has done them a ton of good to see us act like boyfriend/girlfriend in their presence (not only when away from them) throughout their childhood. My daughter is at dating age, and she's had the best possible example.

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

Simple fact of the matter is that ppushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.

 

Decided to take an impromptu trip out of the city from Friday and actually got to talking again on Friday night. She is sorry about the situation and recognises that she neglects me, her words not mine, but she just can't see a way to change it. She feels depressed because she is consumed by all the other things she deals with. She appreciates what I do and feels Ido more than my share but the rest is still getting her under.

 

I didn't push the issue further and suggested that she simply relaxed for the next week while we were away from it all.

 

Next thing her parents are joining us with her brothers children in tow.

 

So I've just left it at that, will reconsider a way forward when home.

 

Are you saying that you are having vacation time together and she suddenly has her parents and family showing up?

 

Has your wife ever admitted to not having a boundary? Or even a loose boundary that allows everyone/everything else to be prioritized ahead of you and the marriage?

 

 

You need to start having a voice! You are allowed to say "NO, this is not what I want".

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Are you saying that you are having vacation time together and she suddenly has her parents and family showing up?

 

Has your wife ever admitted to not having a boundary? Or even a loose boundary that allows everyone/everything else to be prioritized ahead of you and the marriage?

 

 

You need to start having a voice! You are allowed to say "NO, this is not what I want".

 

Effectively yes, they called to say they were on their way about 6 hours into the 8 hour trip and she has never been able to say no to them.

 

So time to reconnect has turned into babysitting for a week.

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I think your wife has fallen out of love.

 

If after all of the efforts you have done, after counseling, and if you think she would go ahead with a divorce then why do you stick around for? She obviously is not in love with you any longer.

 

I understand you have 2 little children and you don't want to break the marriage but what are your other options? Live this for the next 20 years?

 

How are things in the bedroom?

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Sounds like your wife is married to everybody but you. Neglecting the marriage to over fulfill kids needs is a sure death to it.

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

Simple fact of the matter is that ppushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.

 

 

 

 

Are you serious about this, because if you are, then you have your answer. Sorry to say it, when my ex pushed the issue, I filed for divorce. I pulled away because I didn't love him anymore and he was the one who put the kids first. He was stunned when I did file, but there was literally NOTHING left to our marriage. 8 years of ignoring each other and focusing on the kids does that.

 

 

The current generation's focus on the kids is why we have a near 80% affair rate and an over 50% divorce rate. You simply can't minimize your marriage, ignore your spouse and think the other person is just going to stick around with hopes and dreams you may love them again.

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Simple fact of the matter is that pushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.

 

Pushing the issue and filing for divorce are two different things. There are a number of things you can do, from turn-key date nights to marriage counseling appointments that would certainly precede any talk of separation...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Simple fact of the matter is that ppushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.

 

.

 

There's your sign.

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Effectively yes, they called to say they were on their way about 6 hours into the 8 hour trip and she has never been able to say no to them.

 

So time to reconnect has turned into babysitting for a week.

 

If your wife has no boundary by her inability to say no - then that could be the first thing to address in counseling.

 

Living without a boundary is the same as signing up for huge drama.

 

If you don't want that drama there's no reason why you can't tell her that. And tell her if she won't then you will leave. No one should have to live with that drama. No one should have to forfeit their vacation because they don't say NO!

 

Nothing changes if you don't change it! Write out a short list of your top priorities you want changed and start taking action to change it. Have a voice and speak your truth. Tell your wife this isn't a vacation - and it's certainly not what you had in mind.

 

If needed, leave and go somewhere else...that would send her a clear message. It's your vacation time and you can spend it how you wish.

 

But say something - tell her that her inability to set a boundary and say no makes you upset.

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She is sorry about the situation and recognises that she neglects me, her words not mine, but she just can't see a way to change it. She feels depressed because she is consumed by all the other things she deals with. She appreciates what I do and feels Ido more than my share but the rest is still getting her under.

 

 

Do you see what is taking place here?

 

This is what our grandparents called being taken for granted.

 

She's not actually sorry because she's intentionally doing it. She's sorry she has to hear you whine about it, that's what she's actually sorry about.

 

The other posters that are suggesting counseling and "talking about it" etc are following the proper decorum and algorithm.

 

The problem is she is ok with the status quo and does not actually want anything to change ( other than for you to quit whining and try harder to do more and take more off her plate while she gives you nothing in return)

 

You are the dissatisfied party here so you are the one that has to pick a course of action.

 

Your options are fairly straight forward -

 

- suck it up and live with it forever.

 

- escape into your world, which for many men is destructive things like affairs, porn, alcoholism/drug abuse, immersion into hobbies etc.

 

- get her to take you seriously and motivate her to actually do something about it.

 

The problem with number 3 is whining, bitching, complaining and "talking about it" has only got you what I call the 'Universal Apology' which is - "I'm sorry you feel that way."

 

IMHO in order to get her to wake up, open her eyes, see what is really happening and take this seriously, you are going to have to shake up her comfortable world.

 

She may think she's stressed by trying to entertain uninvited relatives and to bring enough treats to the kids pee wee soccer practice, but I am talking about having her world shook up by having your lawyer sit down and explain to her the custody arrangement and who's insurance the kid's doctor's appointments are going to be covered by.

 

I am talking about her having to look for an apartment and negotiating which furniture and cookware she gets to take with her.

 

I am talking about her needing to have a plan in place for getting the kids to daycare and picking them up on her custodial days.

 

When she is truly being faced by having to deal with those things in day in day out reality is when she will truly look inward and determine if it is worth it to try meet some of your needs or not.

 

When she sees you starting to date again she may or may not decide that maybe she could've been a little less concerned with the neighbors potluck and a little more concerned about being more connected to you.

 

Maybe when she is spending her first night alone when you have the kids and you turn off the phone when she keeps calling to talk to them because she doesn't have the right to keep bugging them on your custodial nights, she may decide that your needs are not trivial and insignificant after all.

 

(just an FYI, her first night alone while I had the kids was what broke my wife and brought her to the negotiation table. She kept calling and I told her that once we were divorced and I had the kids on my custodial nights, she would not be able to harass them or me and that I would not have to allow her to speak to them or tell them good night. That is when she capitulated and decided that it wasn't all about her)

 

I think your situation is too far gone to where talking or being nice and accommodating is going to do any good or have any effect. She is too far entrenched into her own reality and you are just the guy that helps pay the bills and helps take care of the kids and helps around the house.

 

You are probably going to have to take that away and put her in the position of doing it by herself before she takes you seriously.

 

You are going to have to blow something up. You are going to have to take something that she treasures deeply away. That is likely going to be her security and comfort and her daily assistance.

 

It may take losing that and being faced with doing it by herself before she realizes your value as a husband.

 

You may have to destroy your marriage to save it.

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The problem is that it can not be a bluff or a manipulation or a power play. It has to be for real. You have to be at the end of your rope and dissatisfied enough that you are ready, willing and able to actually end the marriage and move on with your own life to find happiness and fulfilment without her.

 

The other problem is you have indicated that she may be ok with that.

 

If she is ok with that and ok with divorcing and ok with splitting up the marital assets and leaving the marital home and dividing up the childcare, then you already have your answer.

 

But at least that way you know where you stand and know what your very limited options are.

 

When the pain and torment of the status quo outweigh the fear, uncertainty and effort of leaving, you will make your move.

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OP..are you gonna do something about it or just silently suffer here as well? You have been given some very good advice from many posters but dismiss them all. You are empowering her to continue doing what she is doing. Lay down the law and mean it.

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To honor you was part of the marital vows... If she's not willing to honor you, your feelings and ideas then she's prioritizing others above you.

 

Start voicing your opinion and your right to be half of this marriage. Be prepared to take action if she doesn't intend to consider you. Not being married to her anymore is a better opition than allowing any other person to disrespect and disregard you.

 

 

What do you plan to do about this?

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I think you're being too nice. I'd flat out ask her what the point of being married to her is... cause it doesn't sound like it offers you any benefit and is detrimental to the kids.... I mean you aren't exactly showing them the proper way to maintain a marriage.

 

 

It sounds like your marriage may just be over.

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