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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 10th July 2016, 2:28 PM   #16
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Sounds like your wife is married to everybody but you. Neglecting the marriage to over fulfill kids needs is a sure death to it.
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Old 10th July 2016, 5:28 PM   #17
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Thanks for all the replies.

Simple fact of the matter is that ppushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.


Are you serious about this, because if you are, then you have your answer. Sorry to say it, when my ex pushed the issue, I filed for divorce. I pulled away because I didn't love him anymore and he was the one who put the kids first. He was stunned when I did file, but there was literally NOTHING left to our marriage. 8 years of ignoring each other and focusing on the kids does that.


The current generation's focus on the kids is why we have a near 80% affair rate and an over 50% divorce rate. You simply can't minimize your marriage, ignore your spouse and think the other person is just going to stick around with hopes and dreams you may love them again.
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Old 10th July 2016, 5:34 PM   #18
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Simple fact of the matter is that pushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.
Pushing the issue and filing for divorce are two different things. There are a number of things you can do, from turn-key date nights to marriage counseling appointments that would certainly precede any talk of separation...

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Old 11th July 2016, 12:31 AM   #19
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Simple fact of the matter is that ppushing the issue and filing for divorce isn't an actual option, my wife would actually just go through with it.

.
There's your sign.
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Old 11th July 2016, 12:38 AM   #20
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Effectively yes, they called to say they were on their way about 6 hours into the 8 hour trip and she has never been able to say no to them.

So time to reconnect has turned into babysitting for a week.
If your wife has no boundary by her inability to say no - then that could be the first thing to address in counseling.

Living without a boundary is the same as signing up for huge drama.

If you don't want that drama there's no reason why you can't tell her that. And tell her if she won't then you will leave. No one should have to live with that drama. No one should have to forfeit their vacation because they don't say NO!

Nothing changes if you don't change it! Write out a short list of your top priorities you want changed and start taking action to change it. Have a voice and speak your truth. Tell your wife this isn't a vacation - and it's certainly not what you had in mind.

If needed, leave and go somewhere else...that would send her a clear message. It's your vacation time and you can spend it how you wish.

But say something - tell her that her inability to set a boundary and say no makes you upset.
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Old 11th July 2016, 1:01 AM   #21
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She is sorry about the situation and recognises that she neglects me, her words not mine, but she just can't see a way to change it. She feels depressed because she is consumed by all the other things she deals with. She appreciates what I do and feels Ido more than my share but the rest is still getting her under.
Do you see what is taking place here?

This is what our grandparents called being taken for granted.

She's not actually sorry because she's intentionally doing it. She's sorry she has to hear you whine about it, that's what she's actually sorry about.

The other posters that are suggesting counseling and "talking about it" etc are following the proper decorum and algorithm.

The problem is she is ok with the status quo and does not actually want anything to change ( other than for you to quit whining and try harder to do more and take more off her plate while she gives you nothing in return)

You are the dissatisfied party here so you are the one that has to pick a course of action.

Your options are fairly straight forward -

- suck it up and live with it forever.

- escape into your world, which for many men is destructive things like affairs, porn, alcoholism/drug abuse, immersion into hobbies etc.

- get her to take you seriously and motivate her to actually do something about it.

The problem with number 3 is whining, bitching, complaining and "talking about it" has only got you what I call the 'Universal Apology' which is - "I'm sorry you feel that way."

IMHO in order to get her to wake up, open her eyes, see what is really happening and take this seriously, you are going to have to shake up her comfortable world.

She may think she's stressed by trying to entertain uninvited relatives and to bring enough treats to the kids pee wee soccer practice, but I am talking about having her world shook up by having your lawyer sit down and explain to her the custody arrangement and who's insurance the kid's doctor's appointments are going to be covered by.

I am talking about her having to look for an apartment and negotiating which furniture and cookware she gets to take with her.

I am talking about her needing to have a plan in place for getting the kids to daycare and picking them up on her custodial days.

When she is truly being faced by having to deal with those things in day in day out reality is when she will truly look inward and determine if it is worth it to try meet some of your needs or not.

When she sees you starting to date again she may or may not decide that maybe she could've been a little less concerned with the neighbors potluck and a little more concerned about being more connected to you.

Maybe when she is spending her first night alone when you have the kids and you turn off the phone when she keeps calling to talk to them because she doesn't have the right to keep bugging them on your custodial nights, she may decide that your needs are not trivial and insignificant after all.

(just an FYI, her first night alone while I had the kids was what broke my wife and brought her to the negotiation table. She kept calling and I told her that once we were divorced and I had the kids on my custodial nights, she would not be able to harass them or me and that I would not have to allow her to speak to them or tell them good night. That is when she capitulated and decided that it wasn't all about her)

I think your situation is too far gone to where talking or being nice and accommodating is going to do any good or have any effect. She is too far entrenched into her own reality and you are just the guy that helps pay the bills and helps take care of the kids and helps around the house.

You are probably going to have to take that away and put her in the position of doing it by herself before she takes you seriously.

You are going to have to blow something up. You are going to have to take something that she treasures deeply away. That is likely going to be her security and comfort and her daily assistance.

It may take losing that and being faced with doing it by herself before she realizes your value as a husband.

You may have to destroy your marriage to save it.
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Old 11th July 2016, 1:08 AM   #22
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The problem is that it can not be a bluff or a manipulation or a power play. It has to be for real. You have to be at the end of your rope and dissatisfied enough that you are ready, willing and able to actually end the marriage and move on with your own life to find happiness and fulfilment without her.

The other problem is you have indicated that she may be ok with that.

If she is ok with that and ok with divorcing and ok with splitting up the marital assets and leaving the marital home and dividing up the childcare, then you already have your answer.

But at least that way you know where you stand and know what your very limited options are.

When the pain and torment of the status quo outweigh the fear, uncertainty and effort of leaving, you will make your move.
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Old 11th July 2016, 8:36 AM   #23
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OP..are you gonna do something about it or just silently suffer here as well? You have been given some very good advice from many posters but dismiss them all. You are empowering her to continue doing what she is doing. Lay down the law and mean it.
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Old 11th July 2016, 10:46 AM   #24
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To honor you was part of the marital vows... If she's not willing to honor you, your feelings and ideas then she's prioritizing others above you.

Start voicing your opinion and your right to be half of this marriage. Be prepared to take action if she doesn't intend to consider you. Not being married to her anymore is a better opition than allowing any other person to disrespect and disregard you.


What do you plan to do about this?
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Old 11th July 2016, 12:29 PM   #25
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I think you're being too nice. I'd flat out ask her what the point of being married to her is... cause it doesn't sound like it offers you any benefit and is detrimental to the kids.... I mean you aren't exactly showing them the proper way to maintain a marriage.


It sounds like your marriage may just be over.
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Old 11th July 2016, 11:56 PM   #26
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You really do matter - and your feelings about everything should always be considered within your marriage.
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Old 12th July 2016, 8:01 AM   #27
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Once again thanks for all the replies and advice, simple fact of the matter it seems there is just one way forward in this as much as I dislike it.

Apologies for the delayed response, been rather busy around here with all the additional people and difficult to get a moment alone.

At this point I'm effectively seeing the week out and will take other steps when we get back home again, already looking at somewhere to move to etc.

Someone asked about sex etc, as per my op thats basically down to once or twice a month and most of the time if feels like its an obligation to her.
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Old 13th July 2016, 8:13 AM   #28
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Dude, before you move out... see an attorney. Sometimes moving out causes all sorts of having with your legal rights during the divorce process....
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