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Husband no longer wants sex after I gave birth...


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Old 6th July 2016, 5:44 PM   #1
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Husband no longer wants sex after I gave birth...

I have a 10 month old daughter. I am 5'4 125 lbs before pregnancy. Worked out (some cardio and weightlifting 4x a week) Gained 36 lbs during the pregnancy. I took care of myself during it as best as I could. Took another 6ish months after birth to lose the weight. I'm at 127 lbs now. I'm not as toned as I was before but I started weightlifting again around 3 months ago, just not as frequently because I have less time. I do have a small pooch and stretch marks from the pregnancy which I have felt insecure about but I never said anything about it to my husband. The stretch marks are fading but this is skin so I cant do anything about it. I'm using a dermaroller and Bio Oil to fix it now as I am quite depressed over how many husband no longer initiates sex (maybe twice since we started again 6 weeks after birth) and turns me down a lot when I do. He also acts less into it now and seems to rush to get it over with. Ive caught a lot of porn on his phone. I'm not sure if he watched it before but if he did I never caught him, we never talked about it and it didn't affect our relationship.

At first when it started I thought it might be stress and not me. But since our daughter turned 4months old, she sleeps through the night most nights so we are usually well rested and his job actually got LESS stressful as he was promoted to a job within his company working the same amount of hours 5 months ago and also it is for more money and he admits it is less stress! I also don't nag him to do housework or childcare. I work part time and do the majority of the housework. Why is he no longer attracted to me??? I'm quite depressed over this. I cried the last time he rejected me and I caught porn on his phone the next day. Ive asked him twice, in a calm manner why, he says he just doesn't feel the drive anymore but also says he isn't depressed (the only time Ive ever lost mine and not with him ever)
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Old 6th July 2016, 5:53 PM   #2
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Just a thought - I've heard of men getting weirded out by their partner's vagina after a baby (their own) comes out of it. (Some sort of pedophilia sensation or sth like that - guilt by association.) If that were the case it would mean it's not bc you're less sexy.
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Old 6th July 2016, 5:55 PM   #3
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I commend you for making such a good effort to take care of your appearance so soon after birth. Most of the moms where I live keep their pregnancy weight for years, stop wearing makeup and styling their hair.

Maybe your husband is getting used to the idea of being a father. He could also be one of those men who has a hard time seeing his wife as a sexual being because she is now a mother. Was your husband was present during the birth of your daughter? If so, another possibility is that he may be traumatized from witnessing an infant come out of your vagina. I know that watching a graphic birth video when I was a teenager is one of the reasons I am childfree. That horrifying film gave me nightmares.

The only way you will know for sure is having a frank discussion with your husband about his reluctance to have sex. If he is traumatized or he can't see you as a sexual person anymore, he will need to go into counseling in order to get past these feelings. Sex is about communication.
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Old 6th July 2016, 6:57 PM   #4
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Was he with you during the birth of the child? many men get like this if they see it
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Old 6th July 2016, 7:12 PM   #5
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First of all, please don't blame yourself for this. You did an amazing job losing all the weight and even if you didn't, he is your husband - he should see you as more than a few stretchmarks and a couple of extra pounds.

I'm sorry if he is traumatized by the birth, but what were you supposed to do? Have a stork deliver it?

Don't allow yourself to get intimidated or to have your feelings invalidated by his dismissals of this issue. It's a serious thing for you and explain to him that you need intimacy and sex, they're important to you as any other aspect of your marriage and he needs to work on whatever his problem is.

He can't just shrug his shoulders and go ''well, I'm not feeling it anymore''. Well, you are and you're a person in this marriage too.

I suggest you seriously talk to him about seeking marriage counseling or individual counseling for him.
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Old 6th July 2016, 8:06 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by noelle303 View Post
First of all, please don't blame yourself for this. You did an amazing job losing all the weight and even if you didn't, he is your husband - he should see you as more than a few stretchmarks and a couple of extra pounds.

I'm sorry if he is traumatized by the birth, but what were you supposed to do? Have a stork deliver it?

Don't allow yourself to get intimidated or to have your feelings invalidated by his dismissals of this issue. It's a serious thing for you and explain to him that you need intimacy and sex, they're important to you as any other aspect of your marriage and he needs to work on whatever his problem is.

He can't just shrug his shoulders and go ''well, I'm not feeling it anymore''. Well, you are and you're a person in this marriage too.

I suggest you seriously talk to him about seeking marriage counseling or individual counseling for him.
This. Professional help and serious discussions are certainly in order.

With respect to the trauma after seeing a birth, this must the reason why 50+ years ago, men were not expected to be present when their children were born. I once read an article by a male OB/GYN about this very issue-that doctor didn't think that men witnessing a birth is good for a couple's sex life. If the OP's husband is indeed traumatized, I have sympathy for him since a video of a baby being born is part of the reason I am not going to have kids.

Birth is completely natural but normal bodily functions are often gross.
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Old 6th July 2016, 9:03 PM   #7
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He was present during the birth. However he only looked at the top half and didn't see down there due to him choosing to. He also wanted to be there so I don't see why I should have to pay the price for it.
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Old 6th July 2016, 9:13 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by JazzyPooh View Post
He was present during the birth. However he only looked at the top half and didn't see down there due to him choosing to. He also wanted to be there so I don't see why I should have to pay the price for it.
I don't think you should pay a price either. You didn't do anything wrong. However, the mind is not always rational.

Have you thought of how you will broach the topic with your husband? I'm going to suggest a calm and loving conversation over some wine. That will put both of you in a relaxed mood. Tell your husband how much you miss sex and feeling desired. Encourage him to open up to you.
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