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I need to leave my wife


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I [35M] have been with my wife [32F] for 14 years, married for 10 years. A year into our marriage I became addicted to narcotics after an accident, which led to street drugs and alcohol. For 8 years I was a mess and an absolute disaster for my wife. It was extremely hard for her and I don't know how she stuck by my side the whole time. Coming home wasted out of my mind, many nights not coming home, being arrested, withdrawals, infections, cheating, blowing money left and right, treating her like garbage, abusing her. She always stood by me and always said she knew I could beat it. I have be clean and sober for 11 months.

 

Going through this process over the past (almost) year I've realized that I cannot stay with my wife. I need to put it all in my past instead of having the reminder staring me in the face every day. I also realized that I'm not in love with my wife, I haven't been for a very long time. We've been in marriage counseling but it's just making me realize even more that I love her but I'm not in love with her. I love her for standing by and taking care of me, I appreciate her and respect her. My wife on the other hand, says how happy she is to finally have her husband back and that she knew she would get me back and is glad she held on for so long and I came back to her.

 

All the time, the energy, the hurt, the anger, the worry, the love. Just to be divorced at the end.

 

To make matters worse, children. We did not have children, though my wife wanted a large family. We agreed that when I was sober for a year we would talk about it and see if having a child was the right decision for us.

 

4 years ago she was diagnosed with cancer. Before treatment she had eggs removed and our embryos were frozen. That is the only chance she has at biological children. I cannot father children and just walk away from them. If I leave her not only will she lose me but the embryos will be destroyed or forever frozen. Some people have said I should just do this one thing for her, but I cannot. These are human lives and my offspring. I need a clean cut from her.

 

I've been withdrawing from her lately and she has suspicions that I'm using again. I'm not. I just know that I need to walk away from this marriage, that she gave everything up for.

 

How do I do this? It will destroy her and her hopes and dreams. She wasted so much time on me. If it were not for her I wouldn't be here right now. I owe her my life, yet I'm ruining hers.

Edited by rohann
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LivingWaterPlease

Since your mind is made up that you're going to leave her, sooner rather than later is my advice. I'm so sorry to read this. She sounds like such a good woman.

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Moxie Lady

She put up with so much abuse from you for so long and this is what she is rewarded with. Definitely leave her so that she can find someone much better than you.

 

To add insult to injury you are denying her the opportunity to have her own biological children just because they are fertilized by your sperm. At least do that much for her. Stop your selfishness and let her have that much. She was unselfish for years on end for you, now do it for her. "I need a clean cut from her". Who cares what you need.

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I completely understand how you feel now that your head is cleared. If you are not happy you should not stay married. Perhaps your counseller could help you find a way to help you through that.

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BettyDraper

You don't have to ruin her life. You can stop being selfish and think of all the sacrifices your wife made for you.

 

Love is a verb. It's not impossible to fall back in love with your spouse if you work on it.

 

Your past does not have to become your future.

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"Clean and sober for 11 months," isn't long enough to call it a recovery.

 

Well done for getting that far, but it's going to take a lot longer for you to get your head on straight.

 

I don't think you're far enough along to make life-changing decisions yet.

 

You might think differently, of course.

 

 

Take care.

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Unfortunately, I have way too much experience close up with addiction though family members.

 

I need to put it all in my past instead of having the reminder staring me in the face every day.

 

This statement sounds to me like you still have work to do. The only reminder staring you in the face would come when you're standing in front of a mirror.

 

Are you actively involved in your recovery right now?

 

Mr. Lucky

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...

How do I do this? It will destroy her and her hopes and dreams. She wasted so much time on me. If it were not for her I wouldn't be here right now. I owe her my life, yet I'm ruining hers.

 

No, she will not be destroyed. She is a person of great heart and character.

 

Just to note, though, some alcoholics/addicts create crises just like this as their excuse to relapse, to induce suffering so that they can affirm to themselves that they are special snowflakes because of their pain and guilt, which they could have avoided simply by maturing and becoming responsible. Maybe talk to your sponsor or group about that and whether this is a classic tactic.

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Just to note, though, some alcoholics/addicts create crises just like this as their excuse to relapse, to induce suffering so that they can affirm to themselves that they are special snowflakes because of their pain and guilt, which they could have avoided simply by maturing and becoming responsible. Maybe talk to your sponsor or group about that and whether this is a classic tactic.

 

Very true. I remember hearing at a group night "Most people run from drama like residents fleeing a burning building. Addicts run towards the flame" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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ShatteredLady

Out of interest do you have a close, supportive female friend helping you through things, or even a lady you can relate to better & could see a future with?

 

Just interested.

 

How do you picture your future after divorce?

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(maybe his wife (and the following dissatisfaction) was part of the reason he grew addicted, just wondering:confused:)

I think you should sit your self around a table, look your wife in the eyes and tell her honestly this, how you feel and what you want, dont let her guilt you or try to change your mind, becauce you know what you want and need- if tears come welcome them---

 

you could also write her a letter, with these things, either give it to her or let it lay on the table:cool:

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Sounds very selfish ,she sacrified so much for you,why cant you do the same for her? give her the kids

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you can tell her how you feel and then mention you realize the problem with the kids and you are willing to be there for her to get the kids,maybe she wont even want to have the kids then?

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WOW --- since when do we think bringing a child into a relationship that is fragile, failing or otherwise is a good idea?

 

Seriously?

 

OP i agree with Mr Lucky you are too soon into your recovery to make this decision. my preference would be for you to wait at least another year. i do think she deserves that. i suspect at this time you believe your wife enabled and/or was a reason why you became addicted. your view may change as you work on your recovery.

 

i strongly urge you to continue your MC and be more open with your thoughts on this area.

 

if you continue to believe she will be a hindrance to your recovery then as bad as it will appear (and it will) you need to move forward without her.

 

BTW my sister ending up leaving and it worked for her.

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WOW --- since when do we think bringing a child into a relationship that is fragile, failing or otherwise is a good idea?

 

Seriously?

 

OP i agree with Mr Lucky you are too soon into your recovery to make this decision. my preference would be for you to wait at least another year. i do think she deserves that. i suspect at this time you believe your wife enabled and/or was a reason why you became addicted. your view may change as you work on your recovery.

 

i strongly urge you to continue your MC and be more open with your thoughts on this area.

 

if you continue to believe she will be a hindrance to your recovery then as bad as it will appear (and it will) you need to move forward without her.

 

BTW my sister ending up leaving and it worked for her.

 

I don't think anyone is saying he should bring children into their fragile relationship. I think they mean that if he does end up leaving her he shouldn't have the embryos destroyed and take away her only chance at ever having a child and I agree. Once they are divorced then their relationship won't be fragile, it will be over, and if his wife has been strong enough to put up with him all of these years then I'm sure she's strong enough to be a single parent. If he has to leave why take away her only chance at motherhood too?

 

However I also agree with Mr. Lucky that at 11 months sober it is way to early in the game for the OP to be making a huge decision like this. I'm also wondering if during his recovery he has met a fellow female addict and become romantically involved. People in recovery groups often start affairs with each other as they feel a kinship and a connection with a fellow addict. They feel like their affair partner understands them better than their spouse because they are going through the same struggles. Which is true and it's the reason recovering addicts meet in groups to share their trials and tribulations but a romantic relationship between two addicts is usually a train wreck, a huge disaster.

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"Clean and sober for 11 months," isn't long enough to call it a recovery.

 

Well done for getting that far, but it's going to take a lot longer for you to get your head on straight.

 

I don't think you're far enough along to make life-changing decisions yet.

 

You might think differently, of course.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

^^^^. This ^^^^^

 

You are not recovered. Not cured. Not returned to a solid and effectively functioning mind yet. Your brain chemistry and brain wiring are still in a state of transition and state of instability.

 

Certainly it is very commendable and admirable that you have cleaned this much but your brain still needs more healing and recovery time before it is firing on all cylinders.

 

My advice is don't make any major life-changing decisions for some time yet. Don't leave just yet but certainly don't move forward with any babies yet either.

 

Your brain and emotions and thought processes and judgement etc are all still out of whack and may be for some time yet.

 

No offense and I'm not putting you down or anything, but your judgement and decision making abilities are not to be trusted yet.

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Once they are divorced then their relationship won't be fragile, it will be over, and if his wife has been strong enough to put up with him all of these years then I'm sure she's strong enough to be a single parent. If he has to leave why take away her only chance at motherhood too?

 

This is one of those areas where the law may not have kept up with technology.

 

Would the OP have support responsibilities if, after the divorce, she became pregnant with one or more of the embryos :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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This is one of those areas where the law may not have kept up with technology.

 

Would the OP have support responsibilities if, after the divorce, she became pregnant with one or more of the embryos :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I would be. When the embryos were created we signed legal contracts. The embryos cannot be used unless I agree to it, as soon as I agree I am the legal binding father. We had 9 embryos make it to freezing.

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I understand what people are saying, that I'm not in the right mindset yet to be making a huge decision (divorce). I don't want to string my wife along even longer if this is going to be how I feel from now on. She deserves better than that. I treated her like complete ****. She has dealt with everything alone.

 

I know I should tell her about these feelings, she deserves to know how I'm feeling and we both need to be open books. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I've hurt her so much with things that have come out of my mouth.

 

It's not that she reminds me of the past and where I was. My body is it's own time capsule. Like old friends, I feel like I need to walk away from it all.

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Wheremyheartis
Yes, I would be. When the embryos were created we signed legal contracts. The embryos cannot be used unless I agree to it, as soon as I agree I am the legal binding father. We had 9 embryos make it to freezing.

 

I'm not quite sure I understand. Are these just her eggs that are frozen? OR what. IF they are just her eggs and your sperm hasn't fertlized them yet, I don't see how they can be held hostage.

 

Maybe talk to a lawyer and see what can be done, so she doesn't need your permission.

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I'm not quite sure I understand. Are these just her eggs that are frozen? OR what. IF they are just her eggs and your sperm hasn't fertlized them yet, I don't see how they can be held hostage.

 

Maybe talk to a lawyer and see what can be done, so she doesn't need your permission.

 

They are embryos. Her eggs that were fertilized with my sperm and frozen. They are biologically our"children".

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It's not that she reminds me of the past and where I was. My body is it's own time capsule. Like old friends, I feel like I need to walk away from it all.

 

Again, contradictory and unfair to her. If she doesn't remind you of the past, why the need to walk away? After paying what I'd guess would be a tremendous price - in every sense of the word - she now gets to be identified as an obstacle to your progress, her crime being standing by you while you were bent on self-destruction. And since you feel guilt, she gets shunned.

 

I'm not going to reference specific steps, this isn't the place. But you haven't answered this question - are you actively working your recovery? Meetings? Sponsor?

 

Mr. Lucky

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While I can't say as though I sympathize much - is there not a legal way that you could turn the embryo's over to her, but terminate your parental rights to them?

 

That way you wouldn't destroy her life entirely, but you also wouldn't be responsible.

 

Seems like talking to a lawyer would be a good idea.

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While I can't say as though I sympathize much - is there not a legal way that you could turn the embryo's over to her, but terminate your parental rights to them?

 

That way you wouldn't destroy her life entirely, but you also wouldn't be responsible.

 

Seems like talking to a lawyer would be a good idea.

 

In most states, termination of parental rights, either voluntarily or by court order, does NOT relieve the parent of child support unless the child is legally adopted by someone else.

 

OP, your wife went through Hell for you. The least you could do is give her the children she wants so very much. If you love her as a person like you say you do, you and she can come to some kind of agreement that allows you to feel as if you aren't abandoning your child(ren).

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