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I have been found guilty


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 6th July 2016, 4:28 PM   #16
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Could she have picked the fight because she wants attention or is bored?
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Old 6th July 2016, 4:44 PM   #17
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Aw, isn't it a little bit sweet that she thinks you're the strong stud that this woman is after? She genuinely believes it! A little jealousy can be flattering. It can also ignite a spark

Older people get scammed because, as a group, they aren't as savvy about the internet. This is your wife. She saw it and believed it. What a shock! Go to her and assure her that you are hers and hers alone
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Old 6th July 2016, 5:21 PM   #18
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My wife laughs at these emails as I get them as well. They are usually right behind some ED cure or make my penis 3" bigger in 2 weeks or somebody is sending me 40 million dollars.

I'm going to be rich, hard and covered in women according to spam...what's not to love.
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Old 6th July 2016, 8:23 PM   #19
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Guys, the OP's wife believed the spam email because she is "old" (no offense OP). I know people that still believe those spam emails from Nigerians that claim they are of Nigerian royalty. The people that believe these emails are generally older, and when someone is 39 years married, they are likely older than 39 :/

I completely believe the OP when he says his wife believes that the spam is not spam. The older and less tech savvy crowd tends to be more naive when it comes to email spam.

OP, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sure if I go through an old email account that I have not used in years that I will find the same email, with the same body, in my spam folder. The only thing that really ever changes is the girl's name.

Edit: maybe show her this thread?
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Old 6th July 2016, 9:59 PM   #20
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You are right, my wife is not internet savvy , she is 58 yrs old and quite naive about certain things, but does not fall for the scammers that phone..

She would not pick a fight out of boredom , she sincerely thought the spam email was from a women i had been talking to on the internet...And that thought anger her and she could not think of anything else...

I said , think about it... if i was doing such a thing, its just a matter of time before we would meet in person...now think really hard.. I am home all the time ...except for 5 hrs in the afternoon 1 day a week............. you have the address and phone number of were i am...and my cell is on...

Is this how a cheaper operates... if i was a cheater i would be making up excuses to leave...
You see she would make a terrible detective...lol

Last edited by rick2016; 6th July 2016 at 10:03 PM..
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Old 7th July 2016, 12:35 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by S_A View Post
Guys, the OP's wife believed the spam email because she is "old" (no offense OP).

Right,

but is it because the (OBviously young starlet) wanted her man


OR


merely because her time-addled brain cells are functioning less all the time?
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Old 7th July 2016, 2:22 PM   #22
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Let me start by saying i have been married 39 yrs and have never been unfaithful...

Like others i assume , i am on the computer quite a bit, as my wife is also on her ipad, every day.

Today i give her my computer to transfer some pictures she wanted...she leaves and about 10 mins goes by she comes back , and shoves the ipad in front of me and says ..whats this..
here in my mail is this letter..

with the subject line.. Hi Love

How are you dear! I am Andria. I am so thrilled to see you here. I’ve always dreamed of such a strong man like you. And it is simply wonderful that we live in the same city, and most probably we are so near to each other. It’s great that we are so near, and we can reach each other easily. If you feel bored so we can have romantic dinner. It will be really wonderful, won’t it? It is easy to find me here at this site I’ll be waiting for your soonest reply eagerly and I’ll be looking forward to our date. Ciao


So i said to my wife, its spam, she walks off mad not believing me.. I sat there for 15 mins wondering what the heck happened and thinking , i am not guilty of anything..

After about 15 mins i went to confront her, she said why did you wait so long, deleting messages...I said no you can look at my messages i did not delete any and i have nothing to hide..i did not do anything, its spam, i found another one i deleted and it said the very same thing with a different name...

She does not believe me, i am guilty, she does not know what spam is vs a real letter...tried to explain, but she is set in her ways..

Now i feel everything i do will be analyzed, 39 yrs and i will not live like this. for your information, i am retired, my wife is also home, i am home all the time, except for one afternoon, i go out to play music at a guys house with others..

All i can think is she is a very insecure person, and always has been...but i have given her no reason to treat me this way, i do not deserve this at all..
The following things prove that that email is spam:

How are you dear! - the letter writer does not use your name

I am Andria. - the letter writer introduces herself to you as if you've never met or spoken before

I am so thrilled to see you here. - the letter writer doesn't mention where 'here' is

And it is simply wonderful that we live in the same city, and most probably we are so near to each other. - the letter writer doesn't mention what city (or what country) she's referring to, and she appears not to know where you live

It’s great that we are so near, and we can reach each other easily. If you feel bored so we can have romantic dinner. It will be really wonderful, won’t it? - English is clearly not this person's first language..that's not a reason why it's spam but the grammar is pretty atrocious and it bugs me so I'm mentioning it.

It is easy to find me here at this site - letter writer appears to be referring to a website here

Did you check the email address? It's usually pretty easy to tell if it's real or a bot.
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Old 8th July 2016, 8:08 AM   #23
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She felt threatened , of loosing everything around her..She hates change, changing her life now would be devastating to her. She has no job, no income, everything here is taken care of , in other words, there is no place to go..She lacks for nothing,but she is also not a needy person, If she wants something i buy it for her or give her money.She is not a independent women,she is also anti-social, she depends on me, this is the way it is and i am fine and except her the way she is.

I know other women in our family that are the complete opposite, and i would not be able to keep up with them physically or financially.
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Old 8th July 2016, 8:13 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by ChickiePops View Post
The following things prove that that email is spam:

How are you dear! - the letter writer does not use your name

I am Andria. - the letter writer introduces herself to you as if you've never met or spoken before

I am so thrilled to see you here. - the letter writer doesn't mention where 'here' is

And it is simply wonderful that we live in the same city, and most probably we are so near to each other. - the letter writer doesn't mention what city (or what country) she's referring to, and she appears not to know where you live

Itís great that we are so near, and we can reach each other easily. If you feel bored so we can have romantic dinner. It will be really wonderful, wonít it? - English is clearly not this person's first language..that's not a reason why it's spam but the grammar is pretty atrocious and it bugs me so I'm mentioning it.

It is easy to find me here at this site - letter writer appears to be referring to a website here

Did you check the email address? It's usually pretty easy to tell if it's real or a bot.

the email address is

theridions@pyrographicx.meetlocals69.webcam
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Old 8th July 2016, 11:06 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by rick2016 View Post
Yeah that is absolutely not a real email address. It's a spam bot.

If she still doesn't believe you, bring your wife to an IT expert (let her choose the person if she wants) and let them explain it to her
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Old 8th July 2016, 11:51 AM   #26
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I get emails like that all the time even as a woman. If I saw something like that in my BF's email I should just laugh.

I have no advice but I understand how it feels. My XH used to do things like that all the time even doing nothing wrong and sounds very similar to what you post about your wife including being an extreme homebody type. We never were able to overcome the jealousy no matter what I did and I eventually left him. Just wanted to let you know someone else out there went through something similar and it sucks being painted as guilty over nothing.
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Old 8th July 2016, 11:53 AM   #27
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I totally get it though. It's gotta to be annoying... at the very least... to be accused of cheating out of the blue like that. It'd tick me off to no end to be aggressively accused of cheating if I wasn't. I'd probably react with some anger--likely feel like it's an insult to my integrity.


Unless, of course, I was cheating. That'd be a whole different ballgame.


Either way, I feel for ya man, having to deal with that crap.
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Old 12th July 2016, 12:22 PM   #28
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So today she says i wish you could see my side of it...this message pops up and it shocked me....I said the message pop up and you said guilty...
Is is important to support your wife. She felt an emotion, what was it? You and I would agree the emotion came from an incorrect assumption she made, but all emotions are real. She asked you to see her side of it - this is a "bid" in Gottman terms, for you to show some support. You can "turn toward" her (Gottman terms) and show support (which does not undermine your side of it), or you can "turn away", which you do by neglecting her or you can "turn against" which is what you did. Turn against often enough and it can never recover.

Here's a possible way to handle it:

When she says she wishes you could see her side of it, ask her to tell you her side. You want to hear an emotion word. "I felt violated" or something like that. There's your chance. "Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way, feeling violated can't feel good." You stay right there - you, her and her feelings - until it's clear that she understands that you know how she felt.

THEN, you add to it...never use the word "but", by the way. "...and I would never want to do anything that could be considered violating you. That message you see there has nothing to do with anything I did. These things show up on the internet all the time. It's one of those darned annoying things, like advertising, that just happens."

You really can't talk about your side of it until you've acknowledged that she's hurt...not because you did anything wrong, but this is about human communications, and the first person to feel hurt ... well, she's not listening to any reasons until she knows you understand that she feels hurt.

The best thing you can ever do with a spouse is see it from their side.

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She said then after she showed me the message it took me 15 or so mins to go out and confront her...that bothered her.
I hope you didn't actually confront her. Console, collaborate, gather your hearts and minds, maybe, but a confrontation pushes people away.

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Originally Posted by rick2016 View Post

So after awhile she did apologize, but i think she is not really convinced i am innocent.
More likely, she thinks you don't care about her feelings, whether you're innocent or not.

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Originally Posted by rick2016 View Post
She is the type of person , that only leaves the house to get groceries.. has no friends, will not go on a trip alone...she is always thinking something bad is going to happen..
This is a person with a lot of fears, which means she's emotionally fragile. It's good that you recognize this is the type of woman you married, because you can go forward confident in your decision that you will offer her a much larger portion of emotional support in the future, and also know that it's not really in her to offer you such support in return.

My wife is similar...but we're working on it. The counselor has confided in me that this is not considered a healthy psychological condition: being in constant fear diminishes the immune system and will actually lead to a shortened life. But at our ages (50-60), the likelihood of a big change is low.

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For the most part our marriage is ok, i mean 39 yrs is not 15, we are both older and we live a quiet life.. But i told her today.. If she starts questioning me about this and that and i get that feeling you think i am being unfaithful...i will be done, i am not living the rest of my life under suspicion , i dont care if we have got to 39 yrs , its not worth it, i would rather live alone....
So, you gave her an ultimatum. In statistical terms, this is 4X as likely to lead to divorce as having an affair.

Instead, leading off with your feelings would probably have led to a higher likelihood that she'll make some modest changes. "Darling, when you question me about my activities on the internet, and then don't believe my answers, I feel untrusted and undesired". Fear-based people grab onto those emotion words, and then she'll think "what have I done to him?".

You already know she sees potential badness in everything - this is sometimes called a fearful person, or fear-based thinking or "catastrophizing", you can look up plenty of articles on how to get along with people with this characteristic - I've been doing a lot of reading myself.

By presenting her with an ultimatum, you have cast yourself into the role of something to really fear - unlike all those crooks with knives that don't exist outside your front door, you are right there in person and you really did threaten her with divorce...she may fear you more than anything else right now.

Do yourself a favor. Get and read John Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". It may help you work better with her, or it may lead you to think you'd be better off with someone else, but at least you'll have learned a lot of useful tools for working with people of any characteristic behavior.

Good luck.
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