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Husband acting cold after argument


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Old 2nd July 2016, 8:53 AM   #1
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Unhappy Husband acting cold after argument

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. A little background is that our relationship has been quite rocky because of some issues my husband had a year ago. Our relationship has just gotten back on track a few months ago and I was so happy about that. We just got back a week ago from a surprise trip he planned for me to Europe. We have been looking at kittens and writing to someone about picking one up.

Two night ago my husband told me that he was going to go out with some friends for a while. Now, this would usually be fine but it triggered something in me. When we were fighting months ago this was the group of friends he would go out with until 5am to party. It brings back really bad memories for me. It instantly put me in a bad mood and I got snappy with him. Well, he ended up going out and came back at 11pm. He also brought me some food from my favorite restaurant which was really nice.

I realize this is wrong, but for some reason I just couldn't drop the fact that he was hanging out with that group of people again. I kept making rude comments to him about being out and I he said I was annoying him. So that made me even more upset and I really snapped at him. He told me he was going to sleep in the other room. This really upset me because he spent months in the other room and just went back to sleeping with me a few months ago.

I started crying and begged him not to. This started a big fight and he left the house. He messaged me that he never wanted me and he's going to erase me from his life and pretend I don't exist. He said some pretty cold things. He also blocked me from facebook. I think that is really immature, but it's also very hurtful because all of our memories and pictures together(even our latest trip) are now erased. We also communicate a lot on messenger during the week so it was a pretty strong statement.

He came back hours later when I was asleep. All yesterday he sat in the other room with the door locked. I left him alone and before bed last night I just apologized for what I said. I also told him how much I appreciate him. He didn't even look at me and just answered, "ok". I also cleaned the entire house and did the chores he usually does. He slept in the spare room again with the door locked.

This morning I woke up cheerful and made breakfast for us. He came out and ate it, but said he wished I would have asked first because he has his own food. He is really giving me the cold shoulder and doesn't seem to accept my apology. He is acting completely uninterested in me. I am really worried given our history. I apologized to him and meant it, but he also said some very hurtful things to me and he doesn't seem sorry. He has always been very difficult to communicate with and he does not like to face to face which has been an issue for years. Sometimes he can ignore me for weeks when he gets upset. This is miserable and I would like to make up with him, but I feel like there's nothing I can do.
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Old 2nd July 2016, 8:58 AM   #2
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What issues did your husband have a year ago?
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Old 2nd July 2016, 9:08 AM   #3
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He's doing it to hurt you, stop being hurt by it and it then becomes a non-issue. I'll point out though that your reaction to his going out and then coming back at a reasonable hour, with food for you even, was really un-called for. It broke whatever trust you guys had recently rebuilt and thrust the whole relationship back into whatever hellish phase it was in.

Try and be understanding here. Let him have his little moment. You've apologised now drop it. Do not react to anymore of this stuff. Instead just go about your day as if nothing has happened. Let him sort his feelings out and wait for him to broach the subject with you. Pushing him further at this point will just short-circuit everything and make him dig his heels in.
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Old 2nd July 2016, 9:10 AM   #4
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@elaine567 A year ago he had some kind of a breakdown. He wanted to quit his job (which luckily he didn't), he wouldn't talk to his family, and he completely shut me out of his life. He started hanging around with a group of much younger people like 18-22 (he's 30) and people who work in the club industry. He would go out and party every night until 5 or 6 am, even on workdays. This went on for months. He also wanted a divorce and we were very close to it. When I was finally at my breaking point he suddenly stopped this behavior and made up with me.
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Old 2nd July 2016, 9:45 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac243 View Post
@elaine567 A year ago he had some kind of a breakdown. He wanted to quit his job (which luckily he didn't), he wouldn't talk to his family, and he completely shut me out of his life. He started hanging around with a group of much younger people like 18-22 (he's 30) and people who work in the club industry. He would go out and party every night until 5 or 6 am, even on workdays. This went on for months. He also wanted a divorce and we were very close to it. When I was finally at my breaking point he suddenly stopped this behavior and made up with me.
I can now see why you "overreacted" to him going out with those friends, but he has somewhat over reacted in the circumstances too.
He should have been aware of how it would trigger you but he seems to have chosen to make a huge issue out of it.
Did he ever actually say what went wrong and why he chose to "party" a year ago, my guess is another woman or women or alcohol or gambling even.
I think he may be on the move again. Sorry!
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Old 2nd July 2016, 10:11 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac243 View Post
I started crying and begged him not to. This started a big fight and he left the house. He messaged me that he never wanted me and he's going to erase me from his life and pretend I don't exist. He said some pretty cold things. He also blocked me from facebook. I think that is really immature, but it's also very hurtful because all of our memories and pictures together(even our latest trip) are now erased. We also communicate a lot on messenger during the week so it was a pretty strong statement.
Gently, he is telling you how he feels and it is his truth. You may choose to continue to plead with him to be a different man than he is and to feel differently for you but I would suggest that you do not.

Love is not something acquired....it is given. You are and will be loved by many people in your lifetime and in order to see the people who truly love you/you must stop distracting yourself with the one's who do not.

It hurts to let go at first but in time it becomes easy to understand that you let go of nothing except self inflicted pain.

Individual counseling would be a good idea to gain some perspective about why you are choosing to remain in a hurtful and unloving relationship. Why you want the attention of someone who does not want you.
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Old 2nd July 2016, 1:00 PM   #7
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Hi Lilac, it seems toe that the two of you are incompatible at best and completely unsuitable for each other at worst. As someone else said, he seems to be very immature and not really capable of being in a position to sustain a relationship. You have a very serious choice ahead of you which is, to stay or not to stay.
Maybe your best option would be to divorce and move on to a healthy and loving relationship. Just think about it. Warm wishes.
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Old 2nd July 2016, 1:24 PM   #8
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Well from a male perspective your not his mother you know. He's a 30 year old man. If he wants to have a night out once in a while you should let him. I assume you have girlfriends you could do something with as well right? It sounds like you just sat at home worrying the whole time. Get a hobby. Anyway it sounds like you totally exploded for no reason and I don't blame the guy for getting upset. Your treating him like a child. You completely destroyed anything trust wise that you had patched up previously. Stop being controlling and give the man some freedom. You said he was home by 11. I don't see any problem here on his part this time anyway. Give the poor guy a break.
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Old 2nd July 2016, 11:37 PM   #9
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It seems to me the two of you need to work on your communication skills.


I completely understand why you felt the way you did but instead of being snappy and rude before he went out, why not just explain to him what you felt, like you did for us here on the forum?


And he is bring passive aggressive in the way he is behaving now.


If the two of you could learn to just talk things through without all the drama you could keep your relationship strong.
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Old 3rd July 2016, 12:03 AM   #10
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Why are you with this guy?
__________________
"You ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright" ('Thunder Road', Bruce Springsteen)
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Old 5th July 2016, 1:37 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac243 View Post
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. A little background is that our relationship has been quite rocky because of some issues my husband had a year ago. Our relationship has just gotten back on track a few months ago and I was so happy about that. We just got back a week ago from a surprise trip he planned for me to Europe. We have been looking at kittens and writing to someone about picking one up.

Two night ago my husband told me that he was going to go out with some friends for a while. Now, this would usually be fine but it triggered something in me. When we were fighting months ago this was the group of friends he would go out with until 5am to party. It brings back really bad memories for me. It instantly put me in a bad mood and I got snappy with him. Well, he ended up going out and came back at 11pm. He also brought me some food from my favorite restaurant which was really nice.

I realize this is wrong, but for some reason I just couldn't drop the fact that he was hanging out with that group of people again. I kept making rude comments to him about being out and I he said I was annoying him. So that made me even more upset and I really snapped at him. He told me he was going to sleep in the other room. This really upset me because he spent months in the other room and just went back to sleeping with me a few months ago.

I started crying and begged him not to. This started a big fight and he left the house. He messaged me that he never wanted me and he's going to erase me from his life and pretend I don't exist. He said some pretty cold things. He also blocked me from facebook. I think that is really immature, but it's also very hurtful because all of our memories and pictures together(even our latest trip) are now erased. We also communicate a lot on messenger during the week so it was a pretty strong statement.

He came back hours later when I was asleep. All yesterday he sat in the other room with the door locked. I left him alone and before bed last night I just apologized for what I said. I also told him how much I appreciate him. He didn't even look at me and just answered, "ok". I also cleaned the entire house and did the chores he usually does. He slept in the spare room again with the door locked.

This morning I woke up cheerful and made breakfast for us. He came out and ate it, but said he wished I would have asked first because he has his own food. He is really giving me the cold shoulder and doesn't seem to accept my apology. He is acting completely uninterested in me. I am really worried given our history. I apologized to him and meant it, but he also said some very hurtful things to me and he doesn't seem sorry. He has always been very difficult to communicate with and he does not like to face to face which has been an issue for years. Sometimes he can ignore me for weeks when he gets upset. This is miserable and I would like to make up with him, but I feel like there's nothing I can do.
Stonewalling is passive-aggressive/immature manipulation. You need to tell him that this behavior is unacceptable and detrimental to the health of the relationship.

In addition, doing nice things for him while he is behaving this way, sends the message that it's OK for him to do this. When he is stonewalling and pulling away to the extent he is, you stop making him breakfast and pussy footing around and walking on eggshells. You continue with your life, focusing on your needs. I'm not saying ignore him, be civil and atttempt to address things that need to be addressed as a couple, but don't make all nice for him. He needs to know and see that this behavior is hurtful and you won't tolerate it. When he appears receptive or in a better mood, you open a casual, non-confrontational conversation with him to let him know that this situation needs to be worked on. If he refuses, you leave. Plain and simple. This is no way to treat a partner under any circumstances.

This is not a new thing for him or some passing phase -- He has always been very difficult to communicate with and he does not like to face to face which has been an issue for years. Sometimes he can ignore me for weeks when he gets upset. This is miserable and I would like to make up with him, but I feel like there's nothing I can do.
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Old 5th July 2016, 2:30 PM   #12
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Has there been cheating in the past? On yours or his end?
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Old 6th July 2016, 12:55 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac243 View Post
@elaine567 A year ago he had some kind of a breakdown. He wanted to quit his job (which luckily he didn't), he wouldn't talk to his family, and he completely shut me out of his life. He started hanging around with a group of much younger people like 18-22 (he's 30) and people who work in the club industry. He would go out and party every night until 5 or 6 am, even on workdays. This went on for months. He also wanted a divorce and we were very close to it. When I was finally at my breaking point he suddenly stopped this behavior and made up with me.

He is having an affair
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