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Sexless Marriage - experiences, thoughts, comments very welcome


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sexlessmarriage

Hi,

 

I am 37, fit, healthy and love my wife. We got married a little over 3 years ago and had a baby approximately 2.5 years ago.

 

Our wedding had been planned for over a year and we had been trying to conceive so it was a wonderful surprise when we found out during our honeymoon that we were pregnant. While it was a fairly tough pregnancy for my wife with constant nausea, she appears to recovered ok.

 

I work extremely hard and am fortunate to earn enough that my wife can be a full time mum which is what she desires. Even though my work is tiring and stressful, I make sure I'm home by at least 5pm to help feed, bath and cleanup. I then dedicate a few hours to play and read to my daughter before bed.

 

Our daughter is a terrible sleeper so my wife often attends to her during the night. Although I offer to get up aswell she usually refuses the offer. Around 5.30am when my daughter wakes I usually get up to feed and look after her while my wife catches up on her sleep.

 

I spend 98% of my free time with my family and never go out with friends. I am very much dedicated to my wife and family.

 

While our marriage is quite strong in most areas, there is one very important aspect which is missing. We’re had absolutely no intimacy of any description now for approximately 3 years.

 

As soon as I proposed the intimacy became almost non existent. We didn't make love on our wedding night and the only time we have had sex during our marriage was a couple months after we got married.

 

Over the past few years I have raised the lack of intimacy in our marriage with my wife on 2 or 3 occasions. I love my wife and don't want to be a "demanding" or "needy" partner, however, after 3 years of absolutely no sex I don't think I’m being needy. Each time I raised the issue I tried to be as understanding and supportive as possible.

 

I explain to her that I understand recovering from a pregnancy is difficult and as parents we're always tired, but I miss her touch. I miss being wanted and desired by my wife.

 

Unfortunately no matter how delicate I try to be she becomes very defensive and emotional making it impossible to have a productive conversation. She tells me that she is always busy, tired and that she has PCOS. She tells me that the PCOS means that she cannot have sex and won't explain why. She won't take medication for the PCOS and I don't want to ask her to do so just so that we can have sex. I understand that looking after our daughter is a very touch job, but at some point I feel intimacy should raise to the top of her priorities for the sake of our marriage.

 

I have also explained to her that it is not just about sex. I've explained I miss intimacy and that doesn't just mean intercourse. There are many ways to be intimate such as giving each other massages, touch, oral etc. But she doesn't seem to be interested and I have no desire being intimate with someone who may only be responding because they feel they have to.

 

She has also told me in the past that she might see a doctor but when ever I ask if she has seen one she tells me that she doesn't have time and gets defensive.

 

I believe that intimacy is crucial for a healthy and strong marriage. It helps maintain the unique bond between a husband and wife. After three years of no intimacy I go through periods of feeling alone, depressed and anxious. I feel like we're house mates and not husband and wife.

 

I have never cheated on my wife and never will. However, sometimes I feel like withholding intimacy in a marriage is just as bad. I feel like it isn't honouring the marriage by starving it of a very important ingredient. Even though I know it is normal to desire intimacy with my wife, sometimes I feel bad for needing her.

 

She tells me that she loves me and wants me and I believe her. But after patiently waiting for so long I desire physical intimacy not just words.

 

What makes me even more confused is my wife is now talking about trying for a second child in a few months. Although I would like another child, I initially indicated my reluctance. I wanted to ask how she expected this to happen. Is she happy to have sex to become pregnant but not for any other reason?

 

When I indicated that another child may not be the best idea she suggested that not having one may be a deal breaker for her.

 

I don’t know what to do! I am being unreasonable? Is it normal for a pregnancy to be the reason a couple is not being intimate after 2.5 years on?

 

I love my family and if I had to choose between no intimacy for the rest of my life and breaking up my family I don’t know what I would do. I hope I never have to make that choice.

 

Has anyone else here gone through similar issues in their life? I would love to hear from you.

Edited by sexlessmarriage
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bathtub-row

I've never gone through it in my life but, if I did, I'd leave the relationship. I don't know what the deal is but it's like some epidemic of anti-sexual people out there these days. I see this all the time on this site and I find it extremely concerning. I couldn't imagine marrying someone and not wanting to share sex with them. I don't know what to tell you except that you should've put the brakes on having a kid once you saw that the sex diminished.

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Cablebandit

Are you going to divorce and/or cheat because one of them is coming. Your only other option is to stay in a sexless marriage while resentment builds and you spend your most productive years in a miserable marriage. Time is our most valuable resource and you won't realize how much you ended up wasting until your child is a teenager.

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Find out if she has a legit medical issue. If she doesn't or if she doesn't want to address it, then tell her no sex is a deal breaker. It's a violation of your marriage contract and if she won't address it wholeheartedly, then divorce her...and mean it. This issue typically doesn't get any better with more years and more kids...usually it gets much worse. Right now it sounds as if you have 2 very expensive roommates...soon to be 3. Lay down the law or your out.

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As far as the chronic absence of intimacy in your marriage, you are going to have to play hardball.

 

I suggest delving into the books and website and blogs of Athol Kay.

 

His "Married Man Sexlife.." Books, blogs and website deal with this very issue. He also has a video series and does do one on one telephone coaching.

 

The basic premise of MMSL is you become as fit, attractive, desirable and as good of a husband and father as you can be, and once you are attractive enough to replace her with a better woman (without actually cheating of course) you give her the option of stepping up the plate and addressing the issues and having a healthy marital intimate life or watching you move on to have that life and marriage with someone else.

 

Maybe if she doesn't have time to see a dr and a marriage counselor to address your marital issues, perhaps she will have time to see lawyers and court dates and looking for a new home and raising a child with a 50/50 custody arraignment.

 

You have thus far been too passive and accomidating. In order to fix this you are going to have to destabilize the status quo big time. You may even have to end the marriage. Even if it doesn't quite come to that you will have to risk the marriage in order to save it.

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JoeSmith357-1

It contributed to me getting a divorce. It's a real thing. I cringe when I hear people at work talk about how they only have sex maybe once a month, that's crazy to me. People my age (30's), not some dried up 60 somethings

 

I mean, if it was me, I would leave.

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What is PCOS?

 

Polycystic ovarian syndrom. It basically means that she has elevated male hormones.

 

While it is possible that she has a lower sex-drive due to this condition (it is a hormonal imbalance after all), I haven't yet heard that it caused a complete lack of it. I find it fishy that you wife says that she CAN'T have sex due to this condition because I think that that's not true (am not a doctor though, so she should definitely see one)

 

OP, I can tell that you seem like a very reasonable and emphatic husband. However, you simply can't put your needs and wants on the backburner. They are completely valuable and normal and you deserve them.

 

I mean, take a look at what you've written: YOU have put intimacy, which is very important to you, completely aside, offered your wife many possible solutions and even though she rejected them you still stayed by her side and supported her. But as soon as you say that you are apprehensive about having a second child, she immediately jumps on you that it's a dealbreaker. Not really fair, is it?

 

I think there's a certain point where it's perfectly ok to be mad at your partner who isn't being fair to you and lives a one-sided marriage.

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Oh boy, this is bleak I'm afraid.

 

You are absolutley right to be hurt a.nd unsatisfied and your wife is frankly being cruel and completely taking you for granted.

 

How rich that she wants another kid and says it "might" be a dealbreaker if you arent willing.

 

You said you "wanted" to ask her how she expected that to happen. S o...why DIDNT you ask her??

 

Here is the problem: you are being a wuss basically. You've got to quit walking on tiptoes trying to "nice" her into wanting you. You need to be tough and strong and angry. Tell her you wont accept a marriage with no intimacy and sex and that its a "dealbreaker" for you. And be prepared to act on it. Be prepared to see a lawyer to educate yourself. Show her you mean business. That alone will probably reinstate some attraction in her to you. But be careful of short term fixes that just morph back into the status quo

 

Please note that whining, over niceness, begging, pouting, sulking is NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING but make it worse. So please stop these things.

 

State how you feel. Get angry. Do everything you can to fix this. Dont just let years and years to go by, get another kid, digging yourself worse into the whole and trapping you there even longer.

 

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT until this issue is resolved and the resolution shows sticking power. (ie dont let 1 night of intimacy from her convince you its okay to have another child. you need consistent change from her)

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Cablebandit
It contributed to me getting a divorce. It's a real thing. I cringe when I hear people at work talk about how they only have sex maybe once a month, that's crazy to me. People my age (30's), not some dried up 60 somethings

 

I mean, if it was me, I would leave.

 

People don't realize that all women aren't like this until they do what you did. Dump these women and go after the ones WORTHWHILE.

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Lack of a sex drive is one thing, but the unwillingness to accommodate a partner, not even to try shows that the person is selfish. She is placing her desires and needs before yours. Actually, she doesn't care about your needs at all.

 

I am in a similar situation. My husband says he loves me. He actually also says he is very sexually attracted to me. But then nothing. He also won't go to a doctor, doesn't want to see a marriage counselor, and isn't open to other types of intimacy. After 10 years of this, I have been evaluating our relationship and him. I have come to realize what a selfish man he is and I will never be a priority in his life. I am just a convenience. It sounds like you are exactly in the same situation.

 

You can do what I did, waste 10 years feeling lonely and resentful and sticking it out for the kids, counting the days they turn 18 and leave for college so you can do the same. Or you can leave now. Trust me, it will never change. I have read posts of so many people with the same issue and it never changes unless the other partner really wants to, which for you and me isn't the case. Selfish people don't change their personality.

 

Also, please don't have more children. Don't bring more kids into a dysfunctional marriage.

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When I indicated that another child may not be the best idea she suggested that not having one may be a deal breaker for her.

 

I spit my cereal out when I read this.

 

She lashed back with divorce? Man, Do not make another kid with this loveless woman. Baring a legit reason (doubt it if she wants another kid) I think she isn't that into you mister.

 

Sex life before marriage?

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TrustedthenBusted

Sorry to hear it man. And it started before you were even married?

 

You made a mistake. A big one. It's really that simple. And while there is a small chance your sex life will get better, I'd be the farm that it will never be anywhere NEAR what you need and expect as a perfectly healthy, normal male.

 

So yeah...she may raise the bar, but only barely off the floor, and you will spend 50 years trying unsuccessfully to get it any higher than that.

 

I would start with asking permission to get your sexual needs met elsewhere. If she says no... then you've gotta talk divorce.

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I missed the part about her wanting another child and being willing to have sex for procreation.

 

That is absolutely ludicrous to even consider.

 

If you think she is stressed and tired and no libido now, just wait untill there is another screaming, pooping, puking monster in the house.

 

I think it will be safe to say you will never have intimacy ever again.

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GorillaTheater
I spit my cereal out when I read this.

 

She lashed back with divorce? Man, Do not make another kid with this loveless woman. Baring a legit reason (doubt it if she wants another kid) I think she isn't that into you mister.

 

 

Some of us aspire to more than being a paycheck and occasional sperm donor. I hope the poster raises his sights and expectations a bit.

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TrustedthenBusted
Some of us aspire to more than being a paycheck and occasional sperm donor. I hope the poster raises his sights and expectations a bit.

 

 

Easy Tiger. I think the OP aspired to much more than that as well. It's very easy to tell someone to leave because they aren't getting laid, but walking away from a small child, for me, would be next to impossible.

 

Personally, I'd likely just find a mistress. At least until the child was much much older.

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Some of us aspire to more than being a paycheck and occasional sperm donor. I hope the poster raises his sights and expectations a bit.

 

I usually try not to use the "alpha/beta" lingo of the PUA community, but Mr Sexlessmarriage is an example of an almost pure beta male.

 

He is basing his existence on serving his wife and catering to her comforts and whims while hoping she will reward him for his service and sacrifice.

 

In the meantime she has lost (assuming she ever had) virtually all attraction and desire for him.

 

Even if he consented to another child, her lack of attraction and respect for him is so great, she may suggest artificial insemination or may even screw some other guy and have Mr SLM foot all the bills and change all the diapers and rub her swollen feet.

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GorillaTheater
Easy Tiger. I think the OP aspired to much more than that as well. It's very easy to tell someone to leave because they aren't getting laid, but walking away from a small child, for me, would be next to impossible.

 

Personally, I'd likely just find a mistress. At least until the child was much much older.

 

 

I haven't quite made that leap, although I think the OP may well consider putting divorce on the table (much as she's already done, at least by implication). But it seems pretty clear to me that the OP has been too accommodating so far, and needs to raise his expectations regarding his marriage, and make those expectations clearly known.

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Easy Tiger. I think the OP aspired to much more than that as well. It's very easy to tell someone to leave because they aren't getting laid, but walking away from a small child, for me, would be next to impossible.

 

Personally, I'd likely just find a mistress. At least until the child was much much older.

 

I don't think Gorilla was telling him to leave per se.

 

I think he was advising that the OP should see himself as more than a paycheck and servant and to raise his bar and expectations for what a wife and marriage should be.

 

The catch is that this situation is so far gone it will probably take destabilizing the marriage to get her to take it seriously at all. And that is best case scenario.

 

A more likely scenario is she won't take his needs seriously until she is living in a little apartment as a single mother with shared custody and watching him move on with other women after leaving her behind.

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serial muse

OP, you say that in the past three years, you've raised the issue "2 or 3 times".

 

I'm not saying that the burden of discussing this should all fall on you, but since you're the one here asking for advice (and you're the one who is deeply unhappy with the status quo), let's start with this.

 

She already went nuclear with the "dealbreaker" thing about having a second child. You said you thought about asking her how she thought this would happen without sex - but it sounds like you didn't. It sounds, in fact, like you've basically kept quiet on the issue for years. Out of a fear of conflict, I suppose.

 

I don't have first-hand knowledge of PCOS, so I can't speak to how that might affect someone's sex drive. But it seems pretty clear that something else is going on here with your wife. The question is what she's not telling you. I don't mean to say I think she's cheating -- frankly, it doesn't sound like it. But your OP raises more questions than it answers, and I'm mystified about why you don't have more communication with your wife. YOu say your relationship is good, except for this one thing. I'd argue that that's not the case, because you feel like you can't talk to her. Whether that's about you fearing confrontation, or her shutting you down, or both, I couldn't say. But it all adds up to seeing a marriage counselor together so that you can get the unsaid stuff out in the open. I'd bet there's a lot of it.

 

First, though, I think you need to tell her how much this hurts you, how important this is to you in your marriage, and how this is an untenable situation for you. And that you're not so much balking at a second child per se, as at the idea that you'd only have sex in order to create one, which isn't what you want in a marriage.

 

At the very least, start by having this conversation with her. Perhaps (probably) she will get very emotional and upset, which is what happens when you have a lot of buried stuff going on. But that's the price you pay for emotional intimacy, which is something you also want. If you want to save your marriage, you'll have to be braver about this.

Edited by serial muse
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TrustedthenBusted
I haven't quite made that leap, although I think the OP may well consider putting divorce on the table (much as she's already done, at least by implication). But it seems pretty clear to me that the OP has been too accommodating so far, and needs to raise his expectations regarding his marriage, and make those expectations clearly known.

 

Understood. Sorry if I read you wrong.

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OP, you say that in the past three years, you've raised the issue "2 or 3 times".

 

I'm not saying that the burden of discussing this should all fall on you, but since you're the one here asking for advice (and you're the one who is deeply unhappy with the status quo), let's start with this.

 

She already went nuclear with the "dealbreaker" thing about having a second child. You said you thought about asking her how she thought this would happen without sex - but it sounds like you didn't. It sounds, in fact, like you've basically kept quiet on the issue for years. Out of a fear of conflict, I suppose.

 

I don't have first-hand knowledge of PCOS, so I can't speak to how that might affect someone's sex drive. But it seems pretty clear that something else is going on here with your wife. The question is what she's not telling you. I don't mean to say I think she's cheating -- frankly, it doesn't sound like it. But your OP raises more questions than it answers, and I'm mystified about why you don't have more communication with your wife. YOu say your relationship is good, except for this one thing. I'd argue that that's not the case, because you feel like you can't talk to her. Whether that's about you fearing confrontation, or her shutting you down, or both, I couldn't say. But it all adds up to seeing a marriage counselor together so that you can get the unsaid stuff out in the open. I'd bet there's a lot of it.

 

First, though, I think you need to tell her how much this hurts you, how important this is to you in your marriage, and how this is an untenable situation for you. And that you're not so much balking at a second child per se, as at the idea that you'd only have sex in order to create one, which isn't what you want in a marriage.

 

At the very least, start by having this conversation with her. Perhaps (probably) she will get very emotional and upset, which is what happens when you have a lot of buried stuff going on. But that's the price you pay for emotional intimacy, which is something you also want. If you want to save your marriage, you'll have to be braver about this.

 

 

I agree with all that has been said in this post, but I will add the caveat that these discussions will not likely not amount to a hill of beans without some serious actions to back them up.

 

I will also say that this has been a chronic, serious issue for the entire duration of their marriage. This is not something that a nice conversation over dinner or while walking the dog will resolve this situation.

 

Keep in mind this is not a case of mismatched libidos or a lackluster Sexlife that is less satisfying than earlier in the marriage. She has steadfastly refused to have any intimacy with him since their child came along 3 years ago.

 

This will likely require serious professional counseling and therapy to have any effect at all, if even then.

 

The chances of this going from current state to a healthy satisfying marital Sexlife is almost nil. This is not going to resolve over a few simple conversations. It's not like he is going to express his unhappiness and his desire for a Sexlife and a light goes off over head and she starts riding him like Secretariat.

 

She will likely have to be faced with having divorce papers filed on her and losing 24/7 contact with her child and having to hire lawyers to protect her home and marital assets and watching him date other women before she agrees to take marital counseling seriously.

 

If even then. She may decide she'd rather be divorced and a single mother rather than have sex with him.

 

If what he is saying is true, this is a very dire and serious situation. It's not something that a basic one on one discussion is going to resolve.

Edited by oldshirt
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Fully agree this problem is not going to be solved in 1 conversations, or even a few weeks of counseling.

 

My best guess is the wife is asexual. To have no sexual desire even prior to the wedding and during the honeymoon stage is not normal. Yes pregnancy and young children can decrease libido for some women (certainly not all) but it shouldnt make her completely adverse to sex and all forms of physical intamacy.

 

If I were OP i would say you arent willing to move forward with growing the family until the issue of intimacy is addressed via counseling. It can then be determined if the wife is 1) completely asexual, 2) has simply lost attraction to you; or 3) has a physical issue that has eliminated her sex drive

 

But again THE WORST thing to do here is just continue to keep quiet trying to "nice" her into some intimacy. Nor should you fall victim to what I predict will be some covert attempts by her to get herself pregnant by dangling sex in front of you conveniently at the time she is ovulating. Dont fall prey. Please be a man and know your worth here.

 

This buisness about her being "too busy" to see a doctor. SMDH she doesnt even work and has 1 child. Talk to a single mom of 3 who works full time and she'll tell you about "busy" SMDH

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mizunomead

I would have a conversation with her about the lack of intimacy. I would let her know that you feel that your marriage is not in good enough shape right now to bring another kid into the fold. But you would seriously consider it later after doing some work on yourselves. Maybe suggest MC. If this is a no go, then i would let her know that you are going to look into the possibility of seperation.

 

If she is in her 30's. it is possible that depression, or some other factors mayb e playing into it. But most women by the time they hit their 30's have a very healthy libido. It just may be that she is not interested in you.

 

Anyway around it, some serious talks, probably therapy or divorce is on the table in my mind. Neither of you are going to survive long term without intimacy. One of you will most likely will crack long term and go outside the marriage.

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I have PCOS. It's very painful esp when the cysts burst. You can't walk and you have to take codeine immediately in order to breath. Ovulation is also painful. If you have a large cyst burst you are at risk of death due to internal bleeding, doctors operate immediately.

 

As I've already said before on this forum I have zero drive so I don't bother dating at all. I have had sex once in 5 years. The last thing on my mind during ovulation is sex, I need a hot water bottle to reduce the swollen ovary.

Edited by Dolfin80
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