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Sexless Marriage - experiences, thoughts, comments very welcome

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 7th July 2016, 8:40 PM   #46
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This is so so sad. Your wife is asexual. She must be. You need to put your foor down that you will not even discuss a 2nd child until she goes to counseling. It is absolutely not normal to have 3 years of no sex or physical touch. Its cruel and frankly ridiculous to blame it on a child. By her line of reasoning one would assume she is not capable of any basic functioning or activity due to the stress of motherhood.

And the wedding planning....I just cant even.

You are 100% correct this will never get better. Not unless you do something. And even then....its still likely she will never have sexual desire.

Sadly bc you tolerated it during a year engagement she probably assumed u were okay with sexless.

Gald to hear you are going to counseling.
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Old 7th July 2016, 8:51 PM   #47
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Have you checked out the Athol Kay books and website (Married Man Sexlife) that I recommended early in the thread?

This is the stuff they deal with on that site all day every day.
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Old 7th July 2016, 9:43 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by sexlessmarriage View Post
Last night when we were in bed I held my wife's hand and told her that I miss being intimate with her.

She told me that her friends have said it's normal to be like this when you have kids.

I replied that while it may be normal to go through short periods, I don't think 3 years of no intimacy is normal in a marriage.

I asked her if she things we need some help...perhaps some counselling and she said she doesn't think so.

She said that most people don't have a child who never sleeps and she is always tired and it will get better eventually.

She does get up to our daughter a lot in the night, but whenever I try and get up or offer to look after her she refuses the help. I've suggested that we take it in turns getting up to her. But she just replies that our daughter needs her during the night and she is the priority.

Our daughter is only 2.5 and if she is still a bad sleeper now it is more than probable she will be a bad sleeper until she is 4 or 5. My thinking is that if we don't proactively do something to rediscover intimacy and sex in our marriage than nothing is likely to change. I think the way she sees it is that sex will always be there in the future so it can wait until then.

There are probably some people who may read this post and just think here's another guy complaining about not enough sex. But it just isn't the case. I'm a good husband and a good dad. Having a strong and healthy marriage and feeling an emotional and physical bond with my wife is important. After 3 years of absolutely no intimate touch with my wife, I don't think raising it as a serious concern and feeling somewhat depressed about the situation is unreasonable or not normal.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I think it's becoming clear to me that finding a counsellor to help me through this issue is probably a good idea.
Trust me, they do. Married couples still maintain a sex life, even when having infants and toddlers who don't sleep through the night.

First of all, you need to stop feeling guilty about wanting and needing intimacy. It enables your wife to manipulate you more easily into doing what she wants.

You are a person in this marriage. Your desires matter too. She can't brush them off. I swear, this reminds me of that old saying ''We're all too busy thinking about what kind of a spouse we want to think about what kind of a spouse we want to be.''

That is exactly what your wife reminds me off - she is building a life that works for her and she is giving no thought at what works for you. She needs to be working on this issue.

Counseling and medical assistance should be a must for her so I definitely think you should push this issue and be more firm. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into submitting to her.
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Old 8th July 2016, 1:39 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by sexlessmarriage View Post
But she just replies that our daughter needs her during the night and she is the priority.
The priority should be training your 2 1/2 year-old to sleep through the night.


Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 8th July 2016, 7:15 AM   #50
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Hi OP,

Just wanted to chime in. I think your wife may secretly be happy that your daughter isn't sleeping through the night. It gives her yet another excuse not to be intimate.

I think in talking with her, you need to be more forceful regarding this issue. I certainly wouldn't want to have another child with her. She needs to see that the marriage is a priority just as much as the child!!!
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Old 10th July 2016, 6:26 PM   #51
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OP, your only solution is to leave. This issue has gone too long, and is beyond being fixed. You're young, and you're wasting your life with her. I would suggest in future relationships, change your approach.
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Old 10th July 2016, 7:05 PM   #52
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It's long past time to move on and focus on having a good life and being a good co-parent.
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Old 11th July 2016, 3:00 AM   #53
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Tons of kids don't sleep through the night. My son woke up every 1.5 hours for the first nine months of his life. I still had sex with my husband literally every day, and I woulld have kept on doing that even if he hadn't become a good sleeper. Your wife doesn't seem to care about you at all. People have the energy for whatever they prioritize. Your wife doesn't prioritize you. It's as simple as that.

You don't have the marriage you think you do. You don't even know what a functional marriage is like.
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