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Sexless Marriage - experiences, thoughts, comments very welcome


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 1st July 2016, 12:21 AM   #1
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Sexless Marriage - experiences, thoughts, comments very welcome

Hi,

I am 37, fit, healthy and love my wife. We got married a little over 3 years ago and had a baby approximately 2.5 years ago.

Our wedding had been planned for over a year and we had been trying to conceive so it was a wonderful surprise when we found out during our honeymoon that we were pregnant. While it was a fairly tough pregnancy for my wife with constant nausea, she appears to recovered ok.

I work extremely hard and am fortunate to earn enough that my wife can be a full time mum which is what she desires. Even though my work is tiring and stressful, I make sure I'm home by at least 5pm to help feed, bath and cleanup. I then dedicate a few hours to play and read to my daughter before bed.

Our daughter is a terrible sleeper so my wife often attends to her during the night. Although I offer to get up aswell she usually refuses the offer. Around 5.30am when my daughter wakes I usually get up to feed and look after her while my wife catches up on her sleep.

I spend 98% of my free time with my family and never go out with friends. I am very much dedicated to my wife and family.

While our marriage is quite strong in most areas, there is one very important aspect which is missing. Weíre had absolutely no intimacy of any description now for approximately 3 years.

As soon as I proposed the intimacy became almost non existent. We didn't make love on our wedding night and the only time we have had sex during our marriage was a couple months after we got married.

Over the past few years I have raised the lack of intimacy in our marriage with my wife on 2 or 3 occasions. I love my wife and don't want to be a "demanding" or "needy" partner, however, after 3 years of absolutely no sex I don't think Iím being needy. Each time I raised the issue I tried to be as understanding and supportive as possible.

I explain to her that I understand recovering from a pregnancy is difficult and as parents we're always tired, but I miss her touch. I miss being wanted and desired by my wife.

Unfortunately no matter how delicate I try to be she becomes very defensive and emotional making it impossible to have a productive conversation. She tells me that she is always busy, tired and that she has PCOS. She tells me that the PCOS means that she cannot have sex and won't explain why. She won't take medication for the PCOS and I don't want to ask her to do so just so that we can have sex. I understand that looking after our daughter is a very touch job, but at some point I feel intimacy should raise to the top of her priorities for the sake of our marriage.

I have also explained to her that it is not just about sex. I've explained I miss intimacy and that doesn't just mean intercourse. There are many ways to be intimate such as giving each other massages, touch, oral etc. But she doesn't seem to be interested and I have no desire being intimate with someone who may only be responding because they feel they have to.

She has also told me in the past that she might see a doctor but when ever I ask if she has seen one she tells me that she doesn't have time and gets defensive.

I believe that intimacy is crucial for a healthy and strong marriage. It helps maintain the unique bond between a husband and wife. After three years of no intimacy I go through periods of feeling alone, depressed and anxious. I feel like we're house mates and not husband and wife.

I have never cheated on my wife and never will. However, sometimes I feel like withholding intimacy in a marriage is just as bad. I feel like it isn't honouring the marriage by starving it of a very important ingredient. Even though I know it is normal to desire intimacy with my wife, sometimes I feel bad for needing her.

She tells me that she loves me and wants me and I believe her. But after patiently waiting for so long I desire physical intimacy not just words.

What makes me even more confused is my wife is now talking about trying for a second child in a few months. Although I would like another child, I initially indicated my reluctance. I wanted to ask how she expected this to happen. Is she happy to have sex to become pregnant but not for any other reason?

When I indicated that another child may not be the best idea she suggested that not having one may be a deal breaker for her.

I donít know what to do! I am being unreasonable? Is it normal for a pregnancy to be the reason a couple is not being intimate after 2.5 years on?

I love my family and if I had to choose between no intimacy for the rest of my life and breaking up my family I donít know what I would do. I hope I never have to make that choice.

Has anyone else here gone through similar issues in their life? I would love to hear from you.

Last edited by sexlessmarriage; 1st July 2016 at 12:26 AM..
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Old 1st July 2016, 12:35 AM   #2
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I've never gone through it in my life but, if I did, I'd leave the relationship. I don't know what the deal is but it's like some epidemic of anti-sexual people out there these days. I see this all the time on this site and I find it extremely concerning. I couldn't imagine marrying someone and not wanting to share sex with them. I don't know what to tell you except that you should've put the brakes on having a kid once you saw that the sex diminished.
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Old 1st July 2016, 4:30 AM   #3
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Are you going to divorce and/or cheat because one of them is coming. Your only other option is to stay in a sexless marriage while resentment builds and you spend your most productive years in a miserable marriage. Time is our most valuable resource and you won't realize how much you ended up wasting until your child is a teenager.
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Old 1st July 2016, 10:17 AM   #4
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Find out if she has a legit medical issue. If she doesn't or if she doesn't want to address it, then tell her no sex is a deal breaker. It's a violation of your marriage contract and if she won't address it wholeheartedly, then divorce her...and mean it. This issue typically doesn't get any better with more years and more kids...usually it gets much worse. Right now it sounds as if you have 2 very expensive roommates...soon to be 3. Lay down the law or your out.
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Old 1st July 2016, 10:23 AM   #5
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What is PCOS?
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Old 1st July 2016, 10:35 AM   #6
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As far as the chronic absence of intimacy in your marriage, you are going to have to play hardball.

I suggest delving into the books and website and blogs of Athol Kay.

His "Married Man Sexlife.." Books, blogs and website deal with this very issue. He also has a video series and does do one on one telephone coaching.

The basic premise of MMSL is you become as fit, attractive, desirable and as good of a husband and father as you can be, and once you are attractive enough to replace her with a better woman (without actually cheating of course) you give her the option of stepping up the plate and addressing the issues and having a healthy marital intimate life or watching you move on to have that life and marriage with someone else.

Maybe if she doesn't have time to see a dr and a marriage counselor to address your marital issues, perhaps she will have time to see lawyers and court dates and looking for a new home and raising a child with a 50/50 custody arraignment.

You have thus far been too passive and accomidating. In order to fix this you are going to have to destabilize the status quo big time. You may even have to end the marriage. Even if it doesn't quite come to that you will have to risk the marriage in order to save it.
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Old 1st July 2016, 11:20 AM   #7
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It contributed to me getting a divorce. It's a real thing. I cringe when I hear people at work talk about how they only have sex maybe once a month, that's crazy to me. People my age (30's), not some dried up 60 somethings

I mean, if it was me, I would leave.
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Old 1st July 2016, 11:25 AM   #8
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What is PCOS?
Polycystic ovarian syndrom. It basically means that she has elevated male hormones.

While it is possible that she has a lower sex-drive due to this condition (it is a hormonal imbalance after all), I haven't yet heard that it caused a complete lack of it. I find it fishy that you wife says that she CAN'T have sex due to this condition because I think that that's not true (am not a doctor though, so she should definitely see one)

OP, I can tell that you seem like a very reasonable and emphatic husband. However, you simply can't put your needs and wants on the backburner. They are completely valuable and normal and you deserve them.

I mean, take a look at what you've written: YOU have put intimacy, which is very important to you, completely aside, offered your wife many possible solutions and even though she rejected them you still stayed by her side and supported her. But as soon as you say that you are apprehensive about having a second child, she immediately jumps on you that it's a dealbreaker. Not really fair, is it?

I think there's a certain point where it's perfectly ok to be mad at your partner who isn't being fair to you and lives a one-sided marriage.
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Old 1st July 2016, 11:44 AM   #9
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Oh boy, this is bleak I'm afraid.

You are absolutley right to be hurt a.nd unsatisfied and your wife is frankly being cruel and completely taking you for granted.

How rich that she wants another kid and says it "might" be a dealbreaker if you arent willing.

You said you "wanted" to ask her how she expected that to happen. S o...why DIDNT you ask her??

Here is the problem: you are being a wuss basically. You've got to quit walking on tiptoes trying to "nice" her into wanting you. You need to be tough and strong and angry. Tell her you wont accept a marriage with no intimacy and sex and that its a "dealbreaker" for you. And be prepared to act on it. Be prepared to see a lawyer to educate yourself. Show her you mean business. That alone will probably reinstate some attraction in her to you. But be careful of short term fixes that just morph back into the status quo

Please note that whining, over niceness, begging, pouting, sulking is NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING but make it worse. So please stop these things.

State how you feel. Get angry. Do everything you can to fix this. Dont just let years and years to go by, get another kid, digging yourself worse into the whole and trapping you there even longer.

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT until this issue is resolved and the resolution shows sticking power. (ie dont let 1 night of intimacy from her convince you its okay to have another child. you need consistent change from her)
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Old 1st July 2016, 11:58 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeSmith357-1 View Post
It contributed to me getting a divorce. It's a real thing. I cringe when I hear people at work talk about how they only have sex maybe once a month, that's crazy to me. People my age (30's), not some dried up 60 somethings

I mean, if it was me, I would leave.
People don't realize that all women aren't like this until they do what you did. Dump these women and go after the ones WORTHWHILE.
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Old 1st July 2016, 12:56 PM   #11
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Lack of a sex drive is one thing, but the unwillingness to accommodate a partner, not even to try shows that the person is selfish. She is placing her desires and needs before yours. Actually, she doesn't care about your needs at all.

I am in a similar situation. My husband says he loves me. He actually also says he is very sexually attracted to me. But then nothing. He also won't go to a doctor, doesn't want to see a marriage counselor, and isn't open to other types of intimacy. After 10 years of this, I have been evaluating our relationship and him. I have come to realize what a selfish man he is and I will never be a priority in his life. I am just a convenience. It sounds like you are exactly in the same situation.

You can do what I did, waste 10 years feeling lonely and resentful and sticking it out for the kids, counting the days they turn 18 and leave for college so you can do the same. Or you can leave now. Trust me, it will never change. I have read posts of so many people with the same issue and it never changes unless the other partner really wants to, which for you and me isn't the case. Selfish people don't change their personality.

Also, please don't have more children. Don't bring more kids into a dysfunctional marriage.
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Old 1st July 2016, 1:12 PM   #12
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When I indicated that another child may not be the best idea she suggested that not having one may be a deal breaker for her.
I spit my cereal out when I read this.

She lashed back with divorce? Man, Do not make another kid with this loveless woman. Baring a legit reason (doubt it if she wants another kid) I think she isn't that into you mister.

Sex life before marriage?
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Old 1st July 2016, 1:13 PM   #13
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Sorry to hear it man. And it started before you were even married?

You made a mistake. A big one. It's really that simple. And while there is a small chance your sex life will get better, I'd be the farm that it will never be anywhere NEAR what you need and expect as a perfectly healthy, normal male.

So yeah...she may raise the bar, but only barely off the floor, and you will spend 50 years trying unsuccessfully to get it any higher than that.

I would start with asking permission to get your sexual needs met elsewhere. If she says no... then you've gotta talk divorce.
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Old 1st July 2016, 1:15 PM   #14
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I missed the part about her wanting another child and being willing to have sex for procreation.

That is absolutely ludicrous to even consider.

If you think she is stressed and tired and no libido now, just wait untill there is another screaming, pooping, puking monster in the house.

I think it will be safe to say you will never have intimacy ever again.
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Old 1st July 2016, 1:21 PM   #15
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I spit my cereal out when I read this.

She lashed back with divorce? Man, Do not make another kid with this loveless woman. Baring a legit reason (doubt it if she wants another kid) I think she isn't that into you mister.

Some of us aspire to more than being a paycheck and occasional sperm donor. I hope the poster raises his sights and expectations a bit.
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