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he went to a funeral with his ex wife!


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am i over reacting when my SO of 1 year and a half goes to a funeral of his friend with his ex wife together. His friend that passed away, she invited her in a group text message to attend. Ive met her and the friend that have passed away on a few occasions but nothing to personal. He says I didnt get invited and shouldn't want to make things awkward. I feel that if you go together then that woman is your go to- your right hand woman and someone you feel completely comfortable with. despite if she was a literal shoulder to cry on or not, there is something about physically being there for support and I guess I feel left out since once again she has had the opportunity to do so and not me. I feel like that is my role. and if she got invited why not go on her own or with their kids? instead the kids are dropped off and they attend together. am i making a big deal that i wanted to be there for him? and maybe he isn't confiding in her?

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If I were you, I would let this one go lovey. Someone died here, which is very sad - presumably someone he and his ex knew well in the past when they were together. Put your insecurities to one side - it may come across as petty and inappropriate of you make too big a deal of this while others are coming to terms with the death of a loved one.

 

I am not playing your feelings down, but put it in context. Now, if they were going out to restaurants together and having a good time, that would be another story - but this is a funeral. Let them pay their respects in a civil manner together and mourn the loss of an old friend. After all, someone has died here and that should be bigger than you feeling left out. The focus should be on the deceased, not your SO.

 

am i over reacting when my SO of 1 year and a half goes to a funeral (of HIS friend that passed )with his ex wife together. His friend that passed away, she invited her in a group text message to attend. Ive met her and the friend that have passed away on a few occasions but nothing to personal. He says I didnt get invited and shouldn't want to make things awkward. I feel that if you go together then that woman is your go to- your right hand woman and someone you feel completely comfortable with. despite if she was a literal shoulder to cry on or not, there is something about physically being there for support and I guess I feel left out since once again she has had the opportunity to do so and not me. I feel like that is my role. and if she got invited why not go on her own or with their kids? instead the kids are dropped off and they attend together. am i making a big deal that i wanted to be there for him? and maybe he isn't confiding in her?
Edited by jenkins95
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Wow, this guy is not even worth a conversation!

 

Drop him like a hot potato! He is wasting your time.

He is not into you, he dont respect you at all and dont even care about your feelings.

Hes using you for the needs he cant get from his ex.

 

He shouldnt be going anywhere with his ex.

And he should have go with you to the funeral. Or go alone.

 

Its clear he is not accepting you much in his life. But just have you for some personal

reasons. Dont waste your time on this guy any second more.

Break up with him and move on!

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Your husband was invited to attend in group text messages from his ex-wife. Does this mean that he actually attended in a group including the ex - as opposed to going just with his ex?

 

Also, did you know the person who died or their immediate family? If you knew them, then you could have gone to the funeral regardless of whether or not you were invited in the group.

 

All in all though, I'd let this one go. A funeral is bigger than our individual needs.

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UpwardForward

Perhaps I am reaching when I say: An ex-wife can always be in a man's life some way or another - closely, or not.

 

 

I feel for you that you wanted to comfort him. Perhaps he just thought his ex-wife would have known his deceased friend, and the bereaved - for a longer period, or more closely - beforehand?

 

 

As for my ex-husband: He would have never taken me. Would have attended with the OW. Then when OW wasn't looking, he would have sneakily smiled and nodded at me (sitting further back), while he and OW took the first row.

Edited by UpwardForward
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Yes, you’re overreacting. Respect that he has friendships outside your relationship and don’t insist on being present all the time, especially at emotional times such as this. Be supportive rather than jealous or suspicious.

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All in all though, I'd let this one go. A funeral is bigger than our individual needs.

 

I agree... would add though that going with her rather than just going to the funeral is where the mistake was made.

 

He should have been there but he should have gone by himself, that is what we do when we are married.

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He says I didnt get invited and shouldn't want to make things awkward.

 

I didn't know, unless there's celebrities and paparazzi involved, one gets invited to a funeral?

 

Seems strange to me he didn't take you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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No the wife of the deceased sent a group text including my partner and his ex. they decide to go together. I have met his wife and him when he was alive several times. No he did not attend with a group of people, just him and her together.. I asked if i could go too and he said it would make things awkward.. i guess i didnt know if i should react on my feelings or not here of letting her take my role because i feel like he shouldn't confide in her.

 

Your husband was invited to attend in group text messages from his ex-wife. Does this mean that he actually attended in a group including the ex - as opposed to going just with his ex?

 

Also, did you know the person who died or their immediate family? If you knew them, then you could have gone to the funeral regardless of whether or not you were invited in the group.

 

All in all though, I'd let this one go. A funeral is bigger than our individual needs.

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i guess i didnt know if i should react on my feelings or not here of letting her take my role because i feel like he shouldn't confide in her.

 

You're focused on what might have happened when they attended together. I'd be more interested in understanding why he chose to take her in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Cablebandit

I guess I am lucky that my ex wife and I are very cordial. My wife even invited her over for a Mother's Day celebration once which she did attend. We all got along fine as adults should.

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Uhhh, how are you going to make things awkward at the funeral? Start screaming, pluck the dead man's eyes from his corpse face, and fling them at her? There was no reason for him to go with her to the funeral. He should have gone alone. But then he wouldn't be able to catch up with her after the funeral... Just how long was he gone? Even with a luncheon, a funeral that starts at 11 should be over by 2 or 3 pm. If he came home later than that, then he was with her and it wasn't at the funeral. He didn't want you there because well, if he said "Hey hun, now that the service is over, would you mind going back alone. I want to spend a few hours catching up with my former wife, whom I used to love dearly. We still need to, um, air out our differences." He didn't want you there. That's all. You need to decide if you want to investigate this further, or bury it with the friend.

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I don't see a problem with this at all.

 

This was a mutual friend of theirs from when they were married.

 

It actually shows great maturity on both their parts to be able to show respect to their deceased friend together.

 

It's not as if they are going to find a coat closet at the funeral home and go for it.

 

If you are in a relationship with a guy with kids, their mom is going to be in your lives. Be glad it is friendly vs. psycho.

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I'd be miffed.. but I'd let it slide to be honest. If this is the only time they go to a place together it's not a big deal. Like Mr. L said.. anyone can go to a funeral. I just think he finds it awkward having his ex and you together in one place.

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I think you have a big problem here, and it hard to spot it because on the funeral distraction.

 

What doesn he mean by "you're not invited"? You don't need an invitation to go to a funeral. Everyone can go. What he means that under the umbrella of the funeral, his Ex is organising a "friends" meeting, and you're not invited to the friends meeting.

 

So, your husband is invited to a friends hook up who is organized by his Ex, with his Ex, and he doesn't allow you to go. That is your problem. Why does your Bf excluded you from a meeting with his Ex.

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Ive met her and the friend that have passed away on a few occasions but nothing to personal. He says I didnt get invited and shouldn't want to make things awkward.

 

I find this to be a big red flag... Anyone can attend a funeral, you don't need an 'invite'

 

He should have said since you are his partner that he is bringing you for support as well as you have met him in the past.

 

If you brought this subject up he would proberbly get defensive because its a sensative situation due to someone close passing. Just keep an eye out on any other red flags.

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Cablebandit

why all the drama? He probably hates funerals like most people and just wants to get it over with having as little drama as possible. what is the big fear here

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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One lesson I am learning in life is to choose your battles!

 

There are fights, arguments and disagreements to be had everywhere if you go looking for them. But who wants that?

 

On the face of it, this is simply a case of your SO going to a funeral to pay his respects to a good friend who has tragically died young. His ex wife will also be there as she was a friend of the deceased too. Where on earth is the problem? Surely it is a good thing if ex-spouses can remain civil after a divorce isn't it? You chose to be with someone who has previously been married. This will inevitably bring some baggage with it.

 

Don't give it a second thought. Choose your battles. If you set your threshold this low for when you are going to choose a battle, then you could be in for a life of arguments, paranoia and looking over your shoulder. It just isn't worth it.

 

I would also like to add that I recently attended the funeral of a friend who tragically died in his 30s. Believe me, no one could have cared less about who arrived with who and whether someone's ex wife turned up or not. We were all completely lost in our grief and mourning for the deceased and were not concerned with such petty trivia. I am sure it will be the same with this funeral.

 

Good luck Lovey. I don't mean to be hard on you. It's just that we spend so much of our lives worrying, and I hate to see it happening when it's not necessary!

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He should have you as a companion and a shoulder to lean on...not his ex...end of story.

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Lois_Griffin
What doesn he mean by "you're not invited"? You don't need an invitation to go to a funeral. Everyone can go.

Not true.

 

Some people prefer to have private services and burial, and if the widow had to reach out to select individuals to tell them about the services, then it was probably private. It's not like a wedding where he gets a 'plus 1."

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Lady Hamilton

If it were me, if they both attended the same funeral, but not together, I wouldn't care.

 

If they accompanied each other to the funeral, I'd have questions.

 

If they went together and when I asked to come with and was told my presence would make time with his ex awkward, I'd send him out the door and advise him to not come back.

 

It's not the not being asked to go, which is no big crime, it's being told my presence would make things awkward while he's out with his ex.

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Not sure if this Gent is your husband or your Livin In Fellow. It does make a difference somewhat. Particularly since its but a year into your relationship.

 

Since you offered to show support I can see where his response was a bit unwarranted. Did you know the deceased? What was your true motive?

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