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Long story short, I am a 45 year old bisexual man, former swinger, nudist, and very sexual person married to a very controlling, narcicistic, asexual woman. When we first met I was direct, open, and honest with her about everything. Although I have to keep my personal life discreet because of work, I wanted to be with someone who would accept me for who I am. It is difficult enough having to live two different lives because of my job requiring me to maintain the image of a masculine, straight acting male, so I wanted someone who enjoyed the things that I liked and I could be myself and let my guard down around. I opened up to her about the things I like, and she told me that she was interested in eventually swinging, and maybe even attending a nudist resort in a non sexual setting. (I consider nudism to be a non sexual enjoyment of freedom). she told me she had never experienced those things but was willing to try if I gave her time.....So I gave her a year, and married her a year ago. Over the year before we were married, she constantly told me that there was no such thing as being bisexual, that you have to be attracted to one or the other. She began getting more and more controlling with not only sex, but with every aspect of my life. I have never cheated on her, and I would never do anything to hurt her, but lately it has come to a boiling point and I am broken, beat, and can't live like this anymore. We have not had sex in months. She has gained over 150 pounds since our wedding (which we fought the entire time on our honeymoon) and does not keep herself clean, so now she has consistant problems with her vagina and is scheduled to have a hysterectomy within a couple of weeks. The last few times we did have sex was only when she wanted it, and she actually smelled bad and it ruined the mood for me. I did not dare say anything because shes spins it in to me being the *******. She gets angry when I ask for sex or even mention sex,but demands that I have sex with her under her conditions. We have fought so much over sex that in my mind when it comes to her, sex = anger. I love her, but the things she has said to me has destroyed our sex life. I will come on to her, make her angry, and end up having to masturbate because she wont touch me unless she is horny (which is never). Last night struck home with me, I tried to get her to touch me and give me a hand job. she jerked her hand away and demanded that I go to the doctor and get on medication that will stop my sex drive and prevent me from getting hard. I feel like at this point she cares nothing about me being sexually satisfied, and punishing me because she has stopped taking care of herself and has medical problems preventing her from having sex. I have always been a guy who was very in touch with my sexuality and loved sex very much, and being a swinger previously married to a bisexual woman who loved to swing, I knew what boundaries to cross and not cross and considered making love and sex two different things. I have been forced to go from that to being an asexual husband who's only purpose in life is to be a doormat for my controlling wife to wipe her feet on. sure i can divorce her, But I love her. If I divorce her I am the bad guy. All I want is for her to at least meet me halfway sexually. Even if it is just watching porn together or going to a nude beach, but any mention of anything outside of me on top of her in the missionary position with the lights off and it is world war three about what an abusive ******* I am. I don't know what to do at this point. Please help.

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Poppyolive

That sucks. Clearly she is unwell. And because of that she's angry, possibly depressed. I would imagine her self esteem would be low too. Perhaps. Counselling? Together, individual ? Maybe take a break on the sex intimacy front and maybe take a wee trip?

 

It's not ok for her to treat you like this, and in your relationship you shouldn't feel like this. It sounds like you're both on different pages and not understanding eachother. Communication is lacking.

 

At the end of the day, it's night...kidding....

 

You both need to work on yourselves and your relationship. If she's not willing, then sadly, divorce may need to be on the cards.

 

Wish you both the best.

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Long story short, I am a 45 year old bisexual man, former swinger, nudist, and very sexual person married to a very controlling, narcicistic, asexual woman. When we first met I was direct, open, and honest with her about everything. Although I have to keep my personal life discreet because of work, I wanted to be with someone who would accept me for who I am. It is difficult enough having to live two different lives because of my job requiring me to maintain the image of a masculine, straight acting male, so I wanted someone who enjoyed the things that I liked and I could be myself and let my guard down around. I opened up to her about the things I like, and she told me that she was interested in eventually swinging, and maybe even attending a nudist resort in a non sexual setting. (I consider nudism to be a non sexual enjoyment of freedom). she told me she had never experienced those things but was willing to try if I gave her time.....So I gave her a year, and married her a year ago. Over the year before we were married, she constantly told me that there was no such thing as being bisexual, that you have to be attracted to one or the other. She began getting more and more controlling with not only sex, but with every aspect of my life. I have never cheated on her, and I would never do anything to hurt her, but lately it has come to a boiling point and I am broken, beat, and can't live like this anymore. We have not had sex in months. She has gained over 150 pounds since our wedding (which we fought the entire time on our honeymoon) and does not keep herself clean, so now she has consistant problems with her vagina and is scheduled to have a hysterectomy within a couple of weeks. The last few times we did have sex was only when she wanted it, and she actually smelled bad and it ruined the mood for me. I did not dare say anything because shes spins it in to me being the *******. She gets angry when I ask for sex or even mention sex,but demands that I have sex with her under her conditions. We have fought so much over sex that in my mind when it comes to her, sex = anger. I love her, but the things she has said to me has destroyed our sex life. I will come on to her, make her angry, and end up having to masturbate because she wont touch me unless she is horny (which is never). Last night struck home with me, I tried to get her to touch me and give me a hand job. she jerked her hand away and demanded that I go to the doctor and get on medication that will stop my sex drive and prevent me from getting hard. I feel like at this point she cares nothing about me being sexually satisfied, and punishing me because she has stopped taking care of herself and has medical problems preventing her from having sex. I have always been a guy who was very in touch with my sexuality and loved sex very much, and being a swinger previously married to a bisexual woman who loved to swing, I knew what boundaries to cross and not cross and considered making love and sex two different things. I have been forced to go from that to being an asexual husband who's only purpose in life is to be a doormat for my controlling wife to wipe her feet on. sure i can divorce her, But I love her. If I divorce her I am the bad guy. All I want is for her to at least meet me halfway sexually. Even if it is just watching porn together or going to a nude beach, but any mention of anything outside of me on top of her in the missionary position with the lights off and it is world war three about what an abusive ******* I am. I don't know what to do at this point. Please help.
.

 

She rejected you and your sexuality before you even got married and yet you married her anyways. Why?

 

You both sound very unhappy. Her weight gain of 150 pounds has got to be miserable for her and she is likely depressed. You are both in misery. If you truly love her you will divorce her, both for her sake and for your own. This is just a really bad match and I can't see either of you ever being happy together. File for divorce so that you can both be set free from this hellish marriage.

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I am. I don't know what to do at this point. Please help.

 

File for divorce immediately.

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dreamingoftigers

You say you love her, but it doesn't even sound like you guys like each other......

 

At the very least, she sounds like she doesn't like you.

 

Although it's been my experience that there's some kind of context missing here.

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Long story short, I am a 45 year old bisexual man, former swinger, nudist, and very sexual person married to a very controlling, narcicistic, asexual woman.

 

And my immediate question is, why did you marry her?

 

Over the year before we were married, she constantly told me that there was no such thing as being bisexual, that you have to be attracted to one or the other. She began getting more and more controlling with not only sex, but with every aspect of my life.

 

So why did you marry her?

 

I have always been a guy who was very in touch with my sexuality and loved sex very much, and being a swinger previously married to a bisexual woman who loved to swing,

 

So why did you marry her when she was displaying all of these behaviours well before marriage?

 

I have been forced to go from that to being an asexual husband who's only purpose in life is to be a doormat for my controlling wife to wipe her feet on. sure i can divorce her, But I love her. If I divorce her I am the bad guy. All I want is for her to at least meet me halfway sexually.

 

But you married a woman who clearly had sexual hangups that you knew about and was already attempting to control you and your sex life well before you put the ring on it. So why do you think she is going to meet you halfway sexually? Or that's even a possibility. Going by your story it just isn't a possibility. She entered the relationship with her sex-life fixed in pretty much the opposite direction of yours. You gave her a year to get into these things she 'said' she wanted and she didn't. Then you married her and are now frustrated that she won't.

 

Sorry to say it. I'm all for working on relationships but this one was dead in the water well before you two ever walked down the aisle. I honestly think your only option is to end it.

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How does divorcing someone who doesn't accept you for who you are make you a bad guy?

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MissCongeniality
You say you love her, but it doesn't even sound like you guys like each other......

 

At the very least, she sounds like she doesn't like you.

 

Although it's been my experience that there's some kind of context missing here.

I spent most of my marriage pretending to be who my husband perceived me to be now I'm letting the real me out and while it's caused problems the honesty has in some ways brought us closer. The point I am making is that people have layers you just need to put the effort in to find those layers. Maybe what you perceive as tension is her reacting to your behavior?

 

I come off as a materialistic narcissist at times but typically it's to guard myself from others. The point is I am not pleasant to be around and I call my husband stupid and an idiot at times in my defense I only call him that when he doubts I care for him.

 

All I am saying people project themselves for what ever reason maybe your wife cares and just has a messed up way of showing it. I mean most people look at me and assume I don't like my husband but I do. Just say "I love you I want you and I want to know why your so controlling."

 

Trust me controlling nature comes from fear and insecurity. You love her you help her through that.

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TrustedthenBusted
How does divorcing someone who doesn't accept you for who you are make you a bad guy?

 

Thats what I was thinking too.

 

I think it makes you an honest, forthright, guy who stands up for himself.

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I married her because she promised me that if I gave her time she would try new things and do the things I like sexually. But after we maried she switched like flipping a light switch.

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Also she refuses to go to counseling. When I mentioned going to counseling, she got angry and screamed at me saying "all you are going to do is pay somebody to tell me how wrong I am. I am not sitting there and letting you and a counselor gang up on me, you are the *******, you are the one that needs a counselor, you are the one with the problem not me."

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TrustedthenBusted
I married her because she promised me that if I gave her time she would try new things and do the things I like sexually. But after we maried she switched like flipping a light switch.

 

I have heard some really poor reasons for getting married in the past. And while you don't take the cake, you definitely get honorable mention.

 

Sorry to hear it bro. But check out the sexless marriage threads, and you'll find that this particular problem almost never gets better.

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Lady Hamilton

Honestly, let's call a spade a spade here.

 

You have a non-conventional lifestyle with non-conventional appetites. You married somebody who had conventional appetites who promised maybe one day to try some of the things you enjoy, but then sent you very clear signals that your lifestyle at best confused her but at worst displeased her.

 

You don't want to be the bad guy here, but you made some clearly bad choices.

 

You don't marry people and hope they change. You marry people because of who they are now. Clearly you both thought the other would change. She shouldn't have married you expecting a monogamous lifestyle, but you shouldn't have married her on a vague promise that one day maybe she'll be up for what you are.

 

I imagine she's frustrated and feels exasperated on the whole sex issue because she's feeling pressured and that pressure is ruining her feelings of intimacy for you and further killing any desire for sex she had. And if you tell her things like she smells bad while campaigning to open up the door for sex with others... That's a lot. That would kill most people's sex drives.

 

There's a lot of talk about what she's not doing for you... Is there any talk about what you're not doing for her? She gained 150 pounds in a year, that's a lot. Is there an issue of depression or a medical problem going on here? Because from where I sit, that seems like she's hurting, but if she's getting no support there just questions about when she's going to start doing things for you (which require a high level of comfort with one's body I might add) that's going to lead to a total shutdown.

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Don’t stay in a marriage just to fight over who's the good guy and who's the bad guy. It doesn’t matter. Just get divorced.

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I married her because she promised me that if I gave her time she would try new things and do the things I like sexually. But after we maried she switched like flipping a light switch.

 

Well, she reneged on a promise - a vow during the marriage ceremony? - so what are you going to do about it?

 

Why continue in a relationship that is obvious horrid for you?

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Methodical

Loving someone and being in love are two different things. I can't for the life of me figure out why you stay in a marriage with a woman who initially told you what you wanted to hear, yet a year later your life has deteriorated to a sexless relationship with a woman who berates you, doesn't want to touch you, tells you to go to the dr. and get meds to kill your libido, doesn't take care of herself, and apparently calls you a host of names that the filter here doesn't allow. I can't understand how you love her, much less that you are in love with her. What is the appeal for you?

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JoeSmith357-1
Honestly, let's call a spade a spade here.

 

You have a non-conventional lifestyle with non-conventional appetites. You married somebody who had conventional appetites who promised maybe one day to try some of the things you enjoy, but then sent you very clear signals that your lifestyle at best confused her but at worst displeased her.

 

I think you are WAY off base here.

 

We don't have both sides of the story here, but given what we had, immediately after getting married:

1. She completely let herself go

- gained 150 pounds in a YEAR??

- doesn't take care of her bits (smells, is unclean?)

2. Her sex drive went to almost nonexistent

3. She became argumentative

4. She became controlling (suggested he take medication to SUPPRESS his ability to have an erection? SERIOUSLY??)

 

There is not much insight into how often they had sex before, but I got the impression that, while she may not be into all the kinky stuff her husband was, they at least HAD sex...

 

You don't want to be the bad guy here, but you made some clearly bad choices.

 

You don't marry people and hope they change. You marry people because of who they are now. Clearly you both thought the other would change. She shouldn't have married you expecting a monogamous lifestyle, but you shouldn't have married her on a vague promise that one day maybe she'll be up for what you are.

 

I will agree that he probably made a bad choice marrying her. But the degree to which she has changed, given the info we have, seems pretty drastic, and given his knowledge that this would happen, I have to assume he would not have done that

 

I imagine she's frustrated and feels exasperated on the whole sex issue because she's feeling pressured and that pressure is ruining her feelings of intimacy for you and further killing any desire for sex she had. And if you tell her things like she smells bad while campaigning to open up the door for sex with others... That's a lot. That would kill most people's sex drives.

 

I did not get the impression he was doing that...

 

There's a lot of talk about what she's not doing for you... Is there any talk about what you're not doing for her? She gained 150 pounds in a year, that's a lot. Is there an issue of depression or a medical problem going on here? Because from where I sit, that seems like she's hurting, but if she's getting no support there just questions about when she's going to start doing things for you (which require a high level of comfort with one's body I might add) that's going to lead to a total shutdown.

 

Gaining 150 pounds in a year can hardly be blamed on him. If she has depression issues and SHE is not taking care of that, it's the guy's fault??

 

So much FAIL in this post.

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I think you are WAY off base here.

 

We don't have both sides of the story here, but given what we had, immediately after getting married:

1. She completely let herself go

- gained 150 pounds in a YEAR??

- doesn't take care of her bits (smells, is unclean?)

2. Her sex drive went to almost nonexistent

3. She became argumentative

4. She became controlling (suggested he take medication to SUPPRESS his ability to have an erection? SERIOUSLY??)

 

It's interesting to read it spelled out so clearly in point form.

It seems like she actually (most likely subconsciously) did so much in an attempt to turn her husband off so they wouldn't have sex.

 

The OP got married on a promise that she'd consider maybe trying some of the stuff he's into sexually (even though she told him she didn't believe in his sexuality) - so why he believed her and took that leap is beyond me

 

I think the OP's wife probably got married for companionship and since she doesn't want to be in any position where she'd have to deliver on her promise, she's doing all she can to be undesirable to him, then to deflect from her inability of trying to understand his world and his needs (like she said she might) she's turning to being abusive instead.

 

OP - no one should be with someone that can't even see them and accept them for what they are. You shouldn't be in an unfulfilling relationship, and certainly not an abusive one. You and your wife rushed into this commitment and I'm sorry I just don't see how your two can make each other happy. Follow your happiness and set each other free.

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lucy_in_disguise

Op also mentioned that his wife is scheduled for a hysterectomy sometime soon... to me that indicates serious health problems that he does not seem at all empahetic toward. Maybe its true like he says that this is because she "let herself go" but i have never heard of a hysterectomy ordered because someone was fat or hadnt showered recently. Perhaps there is more going on medically and she is reacting this way because he does not seem to care besides the ways its affecting him?

 

That being said, it seems theres no affection here... just get divorced.

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Lady Hamilton
I think you are WAY off base here.

 

We don't have both sides of the story here, but given what we had, immediately after getting married:

1. She completely let herself go

- gained 150 pounds in a YEAR??

- doesn't take care of her bits (smells, is unclean?)

2. Her sex drive went to almost nonexistent

3. She became argumentative

4. She became controlling (suggested he take medication to SUPPRESS his ability to have an erection? SERIOUSLY??)

 

Gaining 150 pounds in a year is a sign of a medical issue. Depression, anxiety, something internal... Something more complicated than "letting yourself go." And hygiene when you round the corner on 300 pounds is going to be an adjustment for both of them. A lot changes in the body when you gain that kind of weight and/or with an underlying medical issue... Especially if she's getting a hysterectomy.

 

As far as sex drive, wives don't owe their husbands sex. It's an expression of the relationship. If he is sharing with her she smells, she's gained weight, and is pressuring her into sexual activity she doesn't want to have, then I'm going to say her desire to have sex is going to be pretty low.

 

When you compare that to a guy who wants sex, lots and lots of it and in a variety of places with an assortment of people... You're going to have problems.

 

There is not much insight into how often they had sex before, but I got the impression that, while she may not be into all the kinky stuff her husband was, they at least HAD sex...

 

Then maybe he should investigate why:

 

If it was fine before, it isn't now

If he wanted something she wasn't giving, why he married her

How that changed the relationship

 

I will agree that he probably made a bad choice marrying her. But the degree to which she has changed, given the info we have, seems pretty drastic, and given his knowledge that this would happen, I have to assume he would not have done that

 

Except for he did have the knowledge she wasn't doing something that he termed a deal-breaker if she refused to do it. Yet he still got married. So...

 

I did not get the impression he was doing that...

 

 

Your impression on if he did or didn't doesn't matter. His wife's impression of if it does or doesn't happen does.

 

Gaining 150 pounds in a year can hardly be blamed on him. If she has depression issues and SHE is not taking care of that, it's the guy's fault??

 

So much FAIL in this post.

 

Did I say it was his fault? No, I did not.

 

And if his wife has a depression issue, it is the problem of both of them, not just her. It is, after all, his wife. One would think he'd care about a serious medical issue that could be the cause of weight gain, irritability, and diminished sex drive.

 

Sorry for the "fail" in coming onto a thread and not sex and fat shaming a woman for the apparently egregious violation of not wanting to have sex at the frequency and manner of which her husband expects of her. I'll try to be more hysterical next time.

 

Come to think of it, "she got fat on purpose just to irritate her husband and get out of having sex" is more plausible than "she's possibly depressed or I'll and dealing with that while being pressured to have sex in a manner she said no to" does make more sense.

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How does divorcing someone who doesn't accept you for who you are make you a bad guy?

 

And you will lead a very miserable life so you don't look like "the bad guy"??? :confused::confused:

 

Does that make sense to you?

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In one sentence you said a nude beach is not sexual then in another said you could accept if she would bend a bit sexually and go to a nude beach. Might want to clarify that up before pressing on these things again.

 

I think the hysterectomy is a huge surgery and would be interested to know why she needs one?

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For many years I had female health issues. It was not due to not being clean, nor is your wife's. A woman not cleaning herself, even if she hardly ever did, doesn't create the need for a hysterectomy. That viewpoint alone minimizes her health issues.

 

My health issue created a horrible situation for my husband and I. I couldn't have sex often because of it. I did please my husband in other ways but it was very difficult to do that for me. I wanted him so badly and pleasing him constantly without reciprocation was very hard. Yes I could masturbate but I wanted to be with my husband. Guilt set in, I gained weight due to my medical issues coupled with emotional eating. I gained 60 lbs in a short period of time. I can't believe I am going to say this, but my medical issues made my vagina smell. It seemed as though I never washed even though I did multiple times a day. He never knew I was washing so often as I was so embarrassed about my condition nor would he have known, as I smelled just as bad after I washed as before. It was devastating as a woman to feel like I was filling the shoes of the smelly vagina woman that men mock and look down upon. I also couldn't find a doctor who could find the cause or cure.

 

My husband was harsh at first about it which made it so much worse. I really wanted his understanding. I wanted to know that he loved and valued me even though I was struggling more and more every day to feel worthy of love. I felt like a failure in my marriage at no fault of my own.

 

I finally connected with a naturopath that had me fixed up in six weeks. That was five years ago and I still remain healed completely. I lost the weight, have no more issues.

 

My husband felt initially like I was using sex to control him even though I wasn't. I had to do lots of maintenance to feel even a little desirable. During sex I couldn't really be into it as I was so concerned that my odor disgusted him and he just wasn't saying. Sex was a strain for me in more ways than one. We only had sex when I initiated which was rarely because I worked hard to have sex on days where my symptoms weren't so bad which wasn't often. It of course from his eyes seemed like I was controlling our whole sex life but what he didn't realize that my medical condition was what was controlling both our sex lives and I despised that and that accusation that I was manipulative.

 

The difference between your wife and myself is I would go to counselling, but would have been mortified to have anyone else know my health condition as it affected my self worth so severely. I would have done it but it would have been devastating to feel that transparent in front of someone I don't even know.

 

My husband decided to aid me after his initial lack of support for my position. He showered me with love and attention. He let me know that even if he never had sex with me again he would never want to be without me. He took over the housework so I could relax and heal. He made my medical bills first priority. He walked with me to aid my weight. He never told me of course but would share he had a surprise for me, but we had to walk there. We went to his planned spot where he had a healthy picnic lunch, read books and actively worked on showing each other love. He changed his focus completely and it was the greatest gift I have ever received in my life. He let go the idea of who is right and wrong, focusing on healing and communication. All of that work he did on his own strengthened our marriage.

 

When I was finally healed, our relationship was stronger than ever in this area.

 

I don't know what may work for others but this worked for us.

 

I wonder if your wife has been sexually abused in the past? It is very common for abused people to not shower and gain weight unconsciously in an attempt to keep people physically away, even if they desire them emotionally.

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Gaining 150 pounds in a year is a sign of a medical issue. Depression, anxiety, something internal... Something more complicated than "letting yourself go." And hygiene when you round the corner on 300 pounds is going to be an adjustment for both of them. A lot changes in the body when you gain that kind of weight and/or with an underlying medical issue... Especially if she's getting a hysterectomy.

 

Yeah, this 150 lb weight gain in one year is very alarming. Is that even possible? Is a 75 lb weight gain in one year possible? Maybe OP was exaggerating. But if it is even a 75 lb weight gain in one year, I'd think that the medical alarm bells would going off so loudly they'd be talking to doctors about this first and foremost.

 

Nevertheless, if all of what OP has described has occurred in this very short time frame, I don't understand why he is uncertain about what to do. Such a radical change of personality and relationship dynamic is a legitimate reason to divorce and I'd think that they would both want it.

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