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Old 9th June 2016, 7:15 PM   #16
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Loving someone and being in love are two different things. I can't for the life of me figure out why you stay in a marriage with a woman who initially told you what you wanted to hear, yet a year later your life has deteriorated to a sexless relationship with a woman who berates you, doesn't want to touch you, tells you to go to the dr. and get meds to kill your libido, doesn't take care of herself, and apparently calls you a host of names that the filter here doesn't allow. I can't understand how you love her, much less that you are in love with her. What is the appeal for you?
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Old 10th June 2016, 11:13 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Lady Hamilton View Post
Honestly, let's call a spade a spade here.

You have a non-conventional lifestyle with non-conventional appetites. You married somebody who had conventional appetites who promised maybe one day to try some of the things you enjoy, but then sent you very clear signals that your lifestyle at best confused her but at worst displeased her.
I think you are WAY off base here.

We don't have both sides of the story here, but given what we had, immediately after getting married:
1. She completely let herself go
- gained 150 pounds in a YEAR??
- doesn't take care of her bits (smells, is unclean?)
2. Her sex drive went to almost nonexistent
3. She became argumentative
4. She became controlling (suggested he take medication to SUPPRESS his ability to have an erection? SERIOUSLY??)

There is not much insight into how often they had sex before, but I got the impression that, while she may not be into all the kinky stuff her husband was, they at least HAD sex...

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You don't want to be the bad guy here, but you made some clearly bad choices.

You don't marry people and hope they change. You marry people because of who they are now. Clearly you both thought the other would change. She shouldn't have married you expecting a monogamous lifestyle, but you shouldn't have married her on a vague promise that one day maybe she'll be up for what you are.
I will agree that he probably made a bad choice marrying her. But the degree to which she has changed, given the info we have, seems pretty drastic, and given his knowledge that this would happen, I have to assume he would not have done that

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I imagine she's frustrated and feels exasperated on the whole sex issue because she's feeling pressured and that pressure is ruining her feelings of intimacy for you and further killing any desire for sex she had. And if you tell her things like she smells bad while campaigning to open up the door for sex with others... That's a lot. That would kill most people's sex drives.
I did not get the impression he was doing that...

Quote:
There's a lot of talk about what she's not doing for you... Is there any talk about what you're not doing for her? She gained 150 pounds in a year, that's a lot. Is there an issue of depression or a medical problem going on here? Because from where I sit, that seems like she's hurting, but if she's getting no support there just questions about when she's going to start doing things for you (which require a high level of comfort with one's body I might add) that's going to lead to a total shutdown.
Gaining 150 pounds in a year can hardly be blamed on him. If she has depression issues and SHE is not taking care of that, it's the guy's fault??

So much FAIL in this post.
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Old 10th June 2016, 9:01 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by JoeSmith357-1 View Post
I think you are WAY off base here.

We don't have both sides of the story here, but given what we had, immediately after getting married:
1. She completely let herself go
- gained 150 pounds in a YEAR??
- doesn't take care of her bits (smells, is unclean?)
2. Her sex drive went to almost nonexistent
3. She became argumentative
4. She became controlling (suggested he take medication to SUPPRESS his ability to have an erection? SERIOUSLY??)
It's interesting to read it spelled out so clearly in point form.
It seems like she actually (most likely subconsciously) did so much in an attempt to turn her husband off so they wouldn't have sex.

The OP got married on a promise that she'd consider maybe trying some of the stuff he's into sexually (even though she told him she didn't believe in his sexuality) - so why he believed her and took that leap is beyond me

I think the OP's wife probably got married for companionship and since she doesn't want to be in any position where she'd have to deliver on her promise, she's doing all she can to be undesirable to him, then to deflect from her inability of trying to understand his world and his needs (like she said she might) she's turning to being abusive instead.

OP - no one should be with someone that can't even see them and accept them for what they are. You shouldn't be in an unfulfilling relationship, and certainly not an abusive one. You and your wife rushed into this commitment and I'm sorry I just don't see how your two can make each other happy. Follow your happiness and set each other free.
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Old 11th June 2016, 7:09 AM   #19
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why did she marry you?
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Old 11th June 2016, 10:51 AM   #20
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Op also mentioned that his wife is scheduled for a hysterectomy sometime soon... to me that indicates serious health problems that he does not seem at all empahetic toward. Maybe its true like he says that this is because she "let herself go" but i have never heard of a hysterectomy ordered because someone was fat or hadnt showered recently. Perhaps there is more going on medically and she is reacting this way because he does not seem to care besides the ways its affecting him?

That being said, it seems theres no affection here... just get divorced.
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Old 11th June 2016, 6:45 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by JoeSmith357-1 View Post
I think you are WAY off base here.

We don't have both sides of the story here, but given what we had, immediately after getting married:
1. She completely let herself go
- gained 150 pounds in a YEAR??
- doesn't take care of her bits (smells, is unclean?)
2. Her sex drive went to almost nonexistent
3. She became argumentative
4. She became controlling (suggested he take medication to SUPPRESS his ability to have an erection? SERIOUSLY??)
Gaining 150 pounds in a year is a sign of a medical issue. Depression, anxiety, something internal... Something more complicated than "letting yourself go." And hygiene when you round the corner on 300 pounds is going to be an adjustment for both of them. A lot changes in the body when you gain that kind of weight and/or with an underlying medical issue... Especially if she's getting a hysterectomy.

As far as sex drive, wives don't owe their husbands sex. It's an expression of the relationship. If he is sharing with her she smells, she's gained weight, and is pressuring her into sexual activity she doesn't want to have, then I'm going to say her desire to have sex is going to be pretty low.

When you compare that to a guy who wants sex, lots and lots of it and in a variety of places with an assortment of people... You're going to have problems.

Quote:
There is not much insight into how often they had sex before, but I got the impression that, while she may not be into all the kinky stuff her husband was, they at least HAD sex...
Then maybe he should investigate why:

If it was fine before, it isn't now
If he wanted something she wasn't giving, why he married her
How that changed the relationship

Quote:
I will agree that he probably made a bad choice marrying her. But the degree to which she has changed, given the info we have, seems pretty drastic, and given his knowledge that this would happen, I have to assume he would not have done that
Except for he did have the knowledge she wasn't doing something that he termed a deal-breaker if she refused to do it. Yet he still got married. So...

Quote:
I did not get the impression he was doing that...

Your impression on if he did or didn't doesn't matter. His wife's impression of if it does or doesn't happen does.

Quote:
Gaining 150 pounds in a year can hardly be blamed on him. If she has depression issues and SHE is not taking care of that, it's the guy's fault??

So much FAIL in this post.
Did I say it was his fault? No, I did not.

And if his wife has a depression issue, it is the problem of both of them, not just her. It is, after all, his wife. One would think he'd care about a serious medical issue that could be the cause of weight gain, irritability, and diminished sex drive.

Sorry for the "fail" in coming onto a thread and not sex and fat shaming a woman for the apparently egregious violation of not wanting to have sex at the frequency and manner of which her husband expects of her. I'll try to be more hysterical next time.

Come to think of it, "she got fat on purpose just to irritate her husband and get out of having sex" is more plausible than "she's possibly depressed or I'll and dealing with that while being pressured to have sex in a manner she said no to" does make more sense.

Last edited by Lady Hamilton; 11th June 2016 at 6:48 PM..
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Old 14th June 2016, 4:01 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
How does divorcing someone who doesn't accept you for who you are make you a bad guy?
And you will lead a very miserable life so you don't look like "the bad guy"???

Does that make sense to you?
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Old 17th June 2016, 8:34 PM   #23
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In one sentence you said a nude beach is not sexual then in another said you could accept if she would bend a bit sexually and go to a nude beach. Might want to clarify that up before pressing on these things again.

I think the hysterectomy is a huge surgery and would be interested to know why she needs one?
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Old 18th June 2016, 12:17 PM   #24
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For many years I had female health issues. It was not due to not being clean, nor is your wife's. A woman not cleaning herself, even if she hardly ever did, doesn't create the need for a hysterectomy. That viewpoint alone minimizes her health issues.

My health issue created a horrible situation for my husband and I. I couldn't have sex often because of it. I did please my husband in other ways but it was very difficult to do that for me. I wanted him so badly and pleasing him constantly without reciprocation was very hard. Yes I could masturbate but I wanted to be with my husband. Guilt set in, I gained weight due to my medical issues coupled with emotional eating. I gained 60 lbs in a short period of time. I can't believe I am going to say this, but my medical issues made my vagina smell. It seemed as though I never washed even though I did multiple times a day. He never knew I was washing so often as I was so embarrassed about my condition nor would he have known, as I smelled just as bad after I washed as before. It was devastating as a woman to feel like I was filling the shoes of the smelly vagina woman that men mock and look down upon. I also couldn't find a doctor who could find the cause or cure.

My husband was harsh at first about it which made it so much worse. I really wanted his understanding. I wanted to know that he loved and valued me even though I was struggling more and more every day to feel worthy of love. I felt like a failure in my marriage at no fault of my own.

I finally connected with a naturopath that had me fixed up in six weeks. That was five years ago and I still remain healed completely. I lost the weight, have no more issues.

My husband felt initially like I was using sex to control him even though I wasn't. I had to do lots of maintenance to feel even a little desirable. During sex I couldn't really be into it as I was so concerned that my odor disgusted him and he just wasn't saying. Sex was a strain for me in more ways than one. We only had sex when I initiated which was rarely because I worked hard to have sex on days where my symptoms weren't so bad which wasn't often. It of course from his eyes seemed like I was controlling our whole sex life but what he didn't realize that my medical condition was what was controlling both our sex lives and I despised that and that accusation that I was manipulative.

The difference between your wife and myself is I would go to counselling, but would have been mortified to have anyone else know my health condition as it affected my self worth so severely. I would have done it but it would have been devastating to feel that transparent in front of someone I don't even know.

My husband decided to aid me after his initial lack of support for my position. He showered me with love and attention. He let me know that even if he never had sex with me again he would never want to be without me. He took over the housework so I could relax and heal. He made my medical bills first priority. He walked with me to aid my weight. He never told me of course but would share he had a surprise for me, but we had to walk there. We went to his planned spot where he had a healthy picnic lunch, read books and actively worked on showing each other love. He changed his focus completely and it was the greatest gift I have ever received in my life. He let go the idea of who is right and wrong, focusing on healing and communication. All of that work he did on his own strengthened our marriage.

When I was finally healed, our relationship was stronger than ever in this area.

I don't know what may work for others but this worked for us.

I wonder if your wife has been sexually abused in the past? It is very common for abused people to not shower and gain weight unconsciously in an attempt to keep people physically away, even if they desire them emotionally.
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Old 20th June 2016, 9:50 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by Lady Hamilton View Post
Gaining 150 pounds in a year is a sign of a medical issue. Depression, anxiety, something internal... Something more complicated than "letting yourself go." And hygiene when you round the corner on 300 pounds is going to be an adjustment for both of them. A lot changes in the body when you gain that kind of weight and/or with an underlying medical issue... Especially if she's getting a hysterectomy.
Yeah, this 150 lb weight gain in one year is very alarming. Is that even possible? Is a 75 lb weight gain in one year possible? Maybe OP was exaggerating. But if it is even a 75 lb weight gain in one year, I'd think that the medical alarm bells would going off so loudly they'd be talking to doctors about this first and foremost.

Nevertheless, if all of what OP has described has occurred in this very short time frame, I don't understand why he is uncertain about what to do. Such a radical change of personality and relationship dynamic is a legitimate reason to divorce and I'd think that they would both want it.
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Old 11th July 2016, 4:44 PM   #26
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The vagina is a self-cleansing organ. I'm not sure what sort of 'care' you are suggesting beyond a shower or bath.
Perhaps things are out of whack due to her massive reproductive issues which are leading to hysterectomy.

This whole post snacks of a patriarchal sense of entitlement, and for her sake I hope you give her the freedom of a divorce.
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Old 11th July 2016, 5:46 PM   #27
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Why did you divorce from your swinging ex? Did you have a good RL at one time? Don't you want that again?
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Old 12th July 2016, 10:11 AM   #28
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I want to make sure that I understand you. You want more variety in your sex life with your wife. She doesn't.


But then you tell us that she's not attractive to have sex with anyways.


So.... Which is it?
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