Husband is getting fat while I'm still fit :(

[snowbunni]

I am not attracted to fat guys at all. Only in-shape guys. My husband is gaining so much weight and I'm no longer attracted to him. He begs for sex every day but I only do it once a month out of duty but I have no desire to have sex with a fat guy. I bought him a gym membership six months ago and he hasn't gone once. I buy healthy food and he sneaks junk food. Have no idea what to do.

[DreamP]

How much weight are you talking about?

 

Have you talked to him about this? Was he always a couch potato eating junk food or is this more of a recent turn?

[TaraMaiden2]

"Ok, here's the deal: I married a fit, slim guy I was head over heels in love with.

Now, you're getting dumpy, lazy and settling into a habit it's going to be hard to break, so this is what I propose:

 

No more sex until you begin to value yourself, appreciate yourself and love yourself to the point where you want to join me in the gym and be fit, healthy and eat right.

 

Until then, sex is off-limits".

 

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Otherwise this will snowball into an avalanche of epic proportions you won't know how to deal with, without bitterness, anger, resentment and MC.

[snowbunni]

I already severely limit sex because I'm not attracted to him.

 

 

He's like 270 lbs with man boobs and a big gut. Meanwhile he still has a hot wife

[TaraMaiden2]

I gave you an action plan.

Up to you to confront him with the uncomfortable truth.

Or else, just pin up a picture of you guys at your wedding, snap one of him when he's dozed out in the chair, print it, pin them up side by side on his mirror, with the caption - "What the hell happened - ?!" and hope he gets the message.

 

Frankly, it's not so much that he's put weight on that matters.

I'm not prejudiced against people who are fat.

 

But I can see how this has created a problem for you in that he is not the type of guy you are attracted to, and he's turned into that guy.

 

There are plenty of people who are fat, and they have partners.

Who are usually, also fat.

 

But the dissimilarity between you is obviously worrying you.

 

You therefore need to hit it home before it escalates to an unacceptable level.

 

Which would be a shame.

[brothers343]

So what will happen if he doesn't apply to your rules and he just stays fat? Are you going to divorse him? What happens to the next guy that works out and then suddenly he stops and gains weight? What are you gonna do if that happens? You should ask your husband what he would do if it was the other way around. If this marriage is not going to make it becouse of the weight issue then next time you find a boyfriend or even get married again you should proceed to make a contract stating that your partner shouldn't get fat during your time with him and make him sign it . Yeahhhhhh......I think that will solve your problem.

[TaraMaiden2]

So what will happen if he doesn't apply to your rules and he just stays fat?

What rules?

 

 

Are you going to divorse him?

That probably very much depends on what they manage to work out...

 

What happens to the next guy that works out and then suddenly he stops and gains weight? What are you gonna do if that happens?

Is there a law that states she can only do this once....? I didn't know that....

 

You should ask your husband what he would do if it was the other way around.

You should read this forum for a response to that. We've had a lot of threads from guys complaining about their wives/GFs putting weight on....

 

If this marriage is not going to make it becouse of the weight issue then next time you find a boyfriend or even get married again you should proceed to make a contract stating that your partner shouldn't get fat during your time with him and make him sign it . Yeahhhhhh......I think that will solve your problem.

Well surely, if you purchase something and it turns out to be "not fit for purpose" you have statutory rights as a buyer to have a refund.

 

I don't see why therefore a person cannot be somewhat disappointed that their spouse has turned out to be the same way....

[Emilia]

I already severely limit sex because I'm not attracted to him.

 

He's like 270 lbs with man boobs and a big gut. Meanwhile he still has a hot wife

I think that's past 'getting'.

 

I presume there is only one solution: leave. or sign up to no sex and constant nagging by him.

[Emilia]

So what will happen if he doesn't apply to your rules and he just stays fat? Are you going to divorse him? What happens to the next guy that works out and then suddenly he stops and gains weight? What are you gonna do if that happens? You should ask your husband what he would do if it was the other way around. If this marriage is not going to make it becouse of the weight issue then next time you find a boyfriend or even get married again you should proceed to make a contract stating that your partner shouldn't get fat during your time with him and make him sign it . Yeahhhhhh......I think that will solve your problem.

I think there is a difference between putting on 10-20 lbs when someone stops working out and going up to 270lbs. I've never ever dated anyone close to that size.

 

I think not letting yourself go obese is a pretty reasonable thing to expect from a life partner.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I think the best course of action is to express your feelings about this to him. Do you want to have sexual desire for him again? If the answer is yes, then work with him on his terms. What I mean is buying him a gym membership, or trying to make him do something isn't going to work... which you have obviously found out.

 

First step is to open up and tell him how you honestly feel. Tell him you want to feel attracted to him and deeply desire to rekindle the flame but be open and honest with him why the flame is dying. You have to do this first! It might be uncomfortable, but it's the only thing that can snap him into action IMO.

 

Next step is to put it in his hands so to speak. Don't tell him what he should do to exercise and what he should eat or anything like that. Instead ask him what does he love to do that involves cardio exercise. Can be anything, but start with things he already likes to do. Does he like playing sports? Does he likes hiking and the outdoors? Water sports like canoeing, rowing... what does he love to do that makes him build up a sweat? Find it, and start from there. Find time for him to do these activities and encourage him to find more time for himself to do the same. Save the gym membership money for a passion of his that gets him moving and sweating again. It's pretty easy to get someone to do something they like doing

 

Next step is to try and get involved yourself. You don't have to do it all the time, but whatever that activity is that he likes to do, go with him, or do it with him every now and again. It doesn't have to even be a lot, just here and there will really do if your not too keen on the activity of his choice. A little goes a long long way in this regard. Speaking from my own experience here anyway...

 

Last is the diet. Here again you have learned you can't force this one. He is a grown man, he can go buy whatever food he wants at any time. This is 100% on him. Again open a dialogue with this in the front of your mind. Offer healthy suggestions as alternatives rather than "putting him on a diet". He has to make the choice himself is what I'm getting at. Work with him to find the path of least resistance that works for him. Find the stuff he is already in to that is easy to tweak to make it healthier. Results are the biggest driver in healthy eating IMO. It's 100% a mental thing. If he just switches up one thing in his diet, but his increased workout causes him to lose 5lbs, make it seem like it was his diet lol. He will find more stuff to switch up. It's all a mental game at first. But it can have a snowball effect with the right encouragement.

 

Get tough, have that difficult talk. It sucks, I know. But I believe it is a necessary first step. Then work together to find the path of least resistance that best suits him.

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

He's like 270 lbs with man boobs and a big gut. Meanwhile he still has a hot wife

 

Lucky him.

 

What was his weight when you married him? And why do you think he's letting himself go? Does he seem depressed or dissatisfied with life in general?

 

He begs for sex every day but I only do it once a month out of duty but I have no desire to have sex with a fat guy.

 

How direct have you been with him in explaining your reaction ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

I thought that sex was a very good workout. Is there a correlation between the amount of sex and the weight gain beyond your desire being diminished?

 

 

Also, there's a good chance that he's fighting depression, hence low energy hence eating sugary junk food, no motivation to go to the gym etc.

 

 

With regards to the advice about nagging, I totally disagree with that. as a man, nagging never did anything to ever motivate me except instill a strong desire to respond with violence. (of course I get violent, but the desired outcome of nagging was never achieved either--that'd be like rewarding bad behavior.)

 

 

I think you should phrase the motivation to him from 'I have no desire to sleep with him because he's fat' to 'I'm REALLY worried about your health and heart attacks and diabetes and blah blah blah' and 'are you depressed?'

[carnelian]

Punishing him with no sex is not the answer. He will only become resentful and it will create a larger rift between you. He may even find sex elsewhere.

Is there anything appealing about him you will do?

 

Going to the gym is important but not the answer either because people lose weight mostly through their diet choices, not by the treadmill. That's a fact.

So his diet must change obviously and it will be hard. Give him an easy deadline to lose weight and try not to hurt his feelings.

[Emilia]

My former boss is roughly that size. He went on a diet once when his wife really made him to (she is average weight) but he ballooned back to that size as soon as he changed jobs, got a bit stressed (doesn't take much) and started shovelling coffees with 5 sugars in them and the like.

 

We would sit at a conference table with those little bowls of sweets on them and he would go through one bowl, then the one at the neighbouring table, etc. He is incapable of controlling his sugar intake. His brother died of a heart attack at a young age, my former boss is only in his late 30s.

 

I'm sceptical when it comes to making people do something they don't really want to do. If he wants to graze all day, he will and he will just get used to being out of breath, sweating, not getting sex, etc.

 

I mean you think an adult would respect himself enough not to let things get out of hand so much.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Emilia

[BettyDraper]

I gave you an action plan.

Up to you to confront him with the uncomfortable truth.

Or else, just pin up a picture of you guys at your wedding, snap one of him when he's dozed out in the chair, print it, pin them up side by side on his mirror, with the caption - "What the hell happened - ?!" and hope he gets the message.

 

Frankly, it's not so much that he's put weight on that matters.

I'm not prejudiced against people who are fat.

 

But I can see how this has created a problem for you in that he is not the type of guy you are attracted to, and he's turned into that guy.

 

There are plenty of people who are fat, and they have partners.

Who are usually, also fat.

 

But the dissimilarity between you is obviously worrying you.

 

You therefore need to hit it home before it escalates to an unacceptable level.

 

Which would be a shame.

 

I think it is already at an unacceptable level if the OP is no longer attracted to her husband and does not want to be intimate with him.

 

Those two issues can kill a marriage.

[snowbunni]

A few things:

 

 

First to BROTHERS: Nowhere in my post did I say I'm divorcing him. You are shaming me for not being attracted to fat guys and for coming to a relationship message board to seek advice about what I should do. The whole reason I'm here, in fact, is to avoid divorce.

 

 

Thanks to everyone else for their advice. I do not nag him and I try to be so nice when I encourage him to work out and exercise, and I try to make healthy food as tasty as possible. I will make him delicious meals blending chicken or fish with sauted veggies, and he will eat it, but then he will sneak out for junk food! It's like he's cheating on me with McDonald's.

[brothers343]

What rules?

 

 

That probably very much depends on what they manage to work out...

 

Is there a law that states she can only do this once....? I didn't know that....

 

You should read this forum for a response to that. We've had a lot of threads from guys complaining about their wives/GFs putting weight on....

 

 

Well surely, if you purchase something and it turns out to be "not fit for purpose" you have statutory rights as a buyer to have a refund.

 

I don't see why therefore a person cannot be somewhat disappointed that their spouse has turned out to be the same way....

Then you really should make sure that you keep that refund ticket and put it in a safe place. Becouse in the end that ticket may not be refundable. And your right there is no law that says you can only do it once. And we are not talking about the other threads, we are talking about this one. And if we were talking about another one I would have had the same comment.

[TrustedthenBusted]

go ahead and withhold sex. Then we can pick this conversation up in the Infidelity forum in a year or so.

[snowbunni]

Welp, I'm not withholding sex; I just don't WANT to have sex with him because he's become so obese. I did not marry an obese guy.

 

 

I'm in this thing for better or worse, even if that means I never get to enjoy sex again.

[lchf]

A few things:

 

 

First to BROTHERS: Nowhere in my post did I say I'm divorcing him. You are shaming me for not being attracted to fat guys and for coming to a relationship message board to seek advice about what I should do. The whole reason I'm here, in fact, is to avoid divorce.

 

 

Thanks to everyone else for their advice. I do not nag him and I try to be so nice when I encourage him to work out and exercise, and I try to make healthy food as tasty as possible. I will make him delicious meals blending chicken or fish with sauted veggies, and he will eat it, but then he will sneak out for junk food! It's like he's cheating on me with McDonald's.

 

OP are you cooking him low fat food? His dependancy on junk food screams a sugar and carb addiction. Low fat food is useless at quelling hunger, which might explain why he requires junk food to make him feel satisfied. My advice to you is to up the fat content of the food you make at home while simultaneously reducing carb content. For example, I'm a big guy, 250lb at 5'11, and I can eat a lot. With high fat food, I eat a LOT less. All carbohydrates are sugar, and sugar is essentially poison for you.

 

And no eating more fat will not make you fat. Fat + carbs yes, but reducing carbs and upping fats, that's a good strategy. There's plenty of information around on what fat you should avoid. I don't think I need to tell people why things like canola oil and veg oils are crap for you. Up the fatty meats, up the saturated animal fats, olive oils, coconut oils, butter etc.

 

Hopefully this info will get him on his way, but it will take time, and only if he wants it. You won't force him, believe me on that.

[snowbunni]

That sounds like good info. Are you fit?

 

 

You're right that I was cooking him low-fat foods.

[pteromom]

Here's the thing about the withholding sex...

 

If he feels undesirable and unsatisfied, he is going to medicate himself with more food.

 

Look at it from his POV - his junk food is one of the biggest sources of pleasure in his life.

 

I don't know what the answer is, because I get that sleeping with someone and not feeling attracted to him isn't easy.

 

Can you get to a place where you are focusing more on trying to make him feel satisfied, even if you aren't feeling it? See if you can lift him up so that he will make changes himself?

 

Because that is the only way he will make changes - if HE wants to do it. And it is hard to do when you feel sad.

[xxoo]

Welp, I'm not withholding sex; I just don't WANT to have sex with him because he's become so obese. I did not marry an obese guy.

 

 

I'm in this thing for better or worse, even if that means I never get to enjoy sex again.

 

 

Is it really impossible or you to enjoy sex? Does his appearance make you unable to enjoy ALL sex acts with him?

 

Confront him about "cheating on you with McDonalds". THat's actually quite profound, and may be an "aha moment" for him. He'll have to come to the desire to lose weight on his own--you can't make him want it. But if he gets there, he's going to also need help forming new habits and replacing those trips to McDonalds with another activity that satisfies whatever need he's meeting with fat, salt, and sugar.

[NTV]

Ultimately you know that you can't make him lose weight if he doesn't want to. He's got to choose to do that.

 

 

As others suggested, you could take several approaches, so direct, some insulting, some subliminal, overt.

 

 

But when I've gained weight in the past, a lot of it had to do with lack of energy. Of using caffeine and sugar to medicate sleep deprivation.

 

 

I don't know if you guys stick to a prescribed bed time, but I do know that when I had gained weight I needed more sleep. Because the over-caffeinating kept me from sleeping deeply. It was a downward spiral for a long time, and with the job, the kids, just the logistics of life, I had no time to myself let alone to workout. I couldn't even take a poop without kids or the dog or someone coming in.

 

 

It wasn't until I prescribed myself a bed time that I was able to make up some of the sleep deficit and see that downward spiral slow and then reverse.

 

 

I can't guarantee your husband is doing the same or feeling the same as I was, but if it's a possibility, then maybe my story can help.

 

 

I still support the idea of sex exercise therapy. <grin> Didn't they invent reverse cowgirl so you wouldn't have to look? mwahahahaha!

[stillafool]

Welp, I'm not withholding sex; I just don't WANT to have sex with him because he's become so obese. I did not marry an obese guy.

 

 

I'm in this thing for better or worse, even if that means I never get to enjoy sex again.

 

Well if he continues gaining weight you may not ever enjoy sex again. I went through this with my first husband so I know how you feel. You will just grow less and less attracted to him as time goes by. Poor you.