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He needs a challenge...?


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Sunshinestar88

My husband and I have been married for about 2 years now.

We get along great and pretty much are like best friends.

But our sex life has kinda went down over the past year. So, I decided to bring it up in conversation.

First, let me say this. I am 23 years old, and my husband is 27. I have an extremely high sex drive, I'd have sex everyday if he would do it. I have never rejected my husband ever for sex. My husband does not have a mistress, and there are no other problems in our marriage.

He rejects my sexual offers quite a bit, and when I asked him about it he said that I am just "to available" and that I am not a challenge for him. He made an example of having steak...if you have steak all the time and it's always there, then eventually steak is no longer your favorite meal.

Basically my question is...how do I be a challenge? What can I do to help with wanting sex with me again?

He says he is still very much attracted to me. And I've tried some things like dressing up for him and stuff but he says I'm trying to hard.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

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Look, this is not that hard to fix, and I think you'll be happier and so will he if balance is restored. It is not natural for a guy to not have to work at it and make himself desirable in order to get sex. And because it's been that way a long time, he misses the hunt. It's a turnoff for him that you are always coming after him. I realize your sex drive is greater, but you should just "take care of yourself" in private without his knowledge more and be sweet to him, but NOT come onto him. Let him get comfortable and relax. You're pressuring him, and that's not right. Usually, it's the man who does it, but it's not right, no matter who's doing it. Your needs can be partially met by your yourself, and you can't just demand sex all the time. You will have better sex if you don't have it as often.

 

So scratch your itch, keep it to yourself, and do not act passive-aggressive with him. Do not be overly nice, though. Don't let him think you're up to something. Maybe just acknowledge, Hon, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you. I won't do that anymore. I'm cool with that.

 

And then let it go and see if he doesn't come around. Go out on dates like you used to when you were first dating. Remember to brag on him when he has any little accomplishment at work or whatever. It sounds to me like it's just gotten to be all about sex and he feels like you're objectifying him.

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Sunshinestar88
Look, this is not that hard to fix, and I think you'll be happier and so will he if balance is restored. It is not natural for a guy to not have to work at it and make himself desirable in order to get sex. And because it's been that way a long time, he misses the hunt. It's a turnoff for him that you are always coming after him. I realize your sex drive is greater, but you should just "take care of yourself" in private without his knowledge more and be sweet to him, but NOT come onto him. Let him get comfortable and relax. You're pressuring him, and that's not right. Usually, it's the man who does it, but it's not right, no matter who's doing it. Your needs can be partially met by your yourself, and you can't just demand sex all the time. You will have better sex if you don't have it as often.

 

So scratch your itch, keep it to yourself, and do not act passive-aggressive with him. Do not be overly nice, though. Don't let him think you're up to something. Maybe just acknowledge, Hon, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you. I won't do that anymore. I'm cool with that.

 

And then let it go and see if he doesn't come around. Go out on dates like you used to when you were first dating. Remember to brag on him when he has any little accomplishment at work or whatever. It sounds to me like it's just gotten to be all about sex and he feels like you're objectifying him.

 

 

I have never pressured him into it. I've never given him greif. I've never even said anything about it but this one time.

Awhile back he actually said to me that I don't really make any sexual moves on him anymore and he wanted me to. And I did stop because he was rejecting me a lot. I don't try to have sex everyday.

But I did what he asked and made more moves. It didn't do anything. So, I stopped again. And now he tells me this.

He's giving me two separate things.

1 make moves.

2 don't be available

I'm stuck and confused

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I have never pressured him into it. I've never given him greif. I've never even said anything about it but this one time.

Awhile back he actually said to me that I don't really make any sexual moves on him anymore and he wanted me to. And I did stop because he was rejecting me a lot. I don't try to have sex everyday.

But I did what he asked and made more moves. It didn't do anything. So, I stopped again. And now he tells me this.

He's giving me two separate things.

1 make moves.

2 don't be available

I'm stuck and confused

 

Perhaps ignoring him completely might pique his interest and again. I'm serious!

 

How long have you been married?

 

You are both very very young.

 

I understand men needing a challenge when they begin dating a girl, but once he makes a commitment, to marriage no less, the challenge and chase should end for the most part.

 

If he still feels he need to chase you to stay interested, then sweetie something is terribly wrong.

 

Perhaps he's the type that should not be married.

 

Some men never get over needing that challenge and need to chase. It inspires them, excites them, intrigues them.

 

Usually men like this run from one chick to another as soon as the challenge and chase ends.

 

He says you are too "available" well newsflash, you are married, of course you are available!

 

That said, when I was living with my ex, I found that the more I simply ignored him and did my own thing, the more he wanted me (sexually).

 

Even something as simple as watching me doing the dishes stirred him up sometimes.

 

Or I would go into another room and read or watch a movie or something. Then he would come after me wanting sex.

 

My advice would be to just leave him alone. Don't initiate, don't discuss it, nothing.

 

Just go about your business acting like it's not even an issue.

 

Trust me he WILL wonder about you, and why you're behaving just so cool and nonchalant about it.

 

As preraph suggested, take care of yourself.

 

If you can do that, that may inspire him again.

 

Other than that, I don't know what else to say.

 

If he still finds you (and your RL) un-challenging (translation: boring) after that, then you have bigger issues.

Edited by katiegrl
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Sunshinestar88
Perhaps ignoring him completely might pique his interest and again. I'm serious!

 

How long have you been married?

 

You are both very very young.

 

I understand men needing a challenge when they begin dating a girl, but once he makes a commitment, to marriage no less, the challenge and chase should end for the most part.

 

If he still feels he need to chase you to stay interested, then sweetie something is terribly wrong.

 

Perhaps he's the type that should not be married.

 

Some men never get over needing that challenge and need to chase. It inspires them, excites them, intrigues them.

 

Usually men like this run from one chick to another as soon as the challenge and chase ends.

 

He says you are too "available" well newsflash, you are married, of course you are available!

 

That said, when I was living with my ex, I found that the more I simply ignored him and did my own thing, the more he wanted me (sexually).

 

Even something as simple as watching me doing the dishes stirred him up sometimes.

 

Or I would go into another room and read or watch a movie or something. Then he would come after me wanting sex.

 

My advice would be to just leave him alone. Don't initiate, don't discuss it, nothing.

 

Just go about your business acting like it's not even an issue.

 

Trust me he WILL wonder about you, and why you're behaving just so cool and nonchalant about it.

 

As preraph suggested, take care of yourself.

 

If you can do that, that may inspire him again.

 

Other than that, I don't know what else to say.

 

If he still finds you (and your RL) un-challenging (translation: boring) after that, then you have bigger issues.

 

I have tried ignoring him. It just makes him irritated and more uninterested.

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I have tried ignoring him. It just makes him irritated and more uninterested.

 

How long have you been married?

 

I hate to say this, but honestly, he sounds sort of done.

 

What, if anything, has he proposed to spark things up again?

 

Has he talked about it with you?

 

Or does he just say he finds you "too available" and "not challenging" enough.

 

Because HE is part of this deal too. It's not just you.

 

Meaning it's not just up to you be "more challenging." That isn't fair. He is half of this equation.

 

If he's bored in the marriage, then perhaps you should consider seeing a marriage counselor.

 

Again, you are both very young.... this could help.

 

Best of luck!

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Apologies, just read you have been married two years.

 

When did he start feeling un-challenged? That you were "too available"?

 

How long has this been going on?

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Cinnamonstix

If your hubby has given you two conflicting reasons for his disinterest in sex, my guess is that neither is necessarily true. His sex drive might just be lowand now he is just coming up with excuses, or maybe he really is just bored.

 

How is your connection outside of the bedroom? Do you still have fun and laugh together? Share new experiences? Have lots to talk about? For some people, they need to connect in other areas for their sexual desire to be piqued.

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Wow, it's funny to me nobody's pointed out the obvious....

 

 

When he goes to sleep, what does he wake up with? Get him right before he wakes up. Problem solved. He won't count it as too available because he won't remember half of it. You'll get what you want. Balance restored.

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Sunshinestar88
Apologies, just read you have been married two years.

 

When did he start feeling un-challenged? That you were "too available"?

 

How long has this been going on?

 

About a year. But just recently talked about it and said he's felt that way for a year.

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And I've tried some things like dressing up for him and stuff but he says I'm trying to hard.

 

^^That is true for many men BTW. They get turned off when women try to hard to excite them. It's contrived in their minds.

 

This sounds more like a psychological issue more than lack of sex drive (in general).

 

He is definitely bored, and uninspired. His steak dinner analogy proved that.

 

Sadly, when men get this way, there really isn't anything you can do to pique their interest again.

 

You do things in an attempt to inspire, he says you're trying too hard. You ignore, he becomes annoyed. Ugh!

 

He should not be married. He enjoys and needs a challenge. He likes the chase.

 

I am really sorry hun, again short of marriage counseling, there is not much you can do IMO.

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Sunshinestar88
If your hubby has given you two conflicting reasons for his disinterest in sex, my guess is that neither is necessarily true. His sex drive might just be lowand now he is just coming up with excuses, or maybe he really is just bored.

 

How is your connection outside of the bedroom? Do you still have fun and laugh together? Share new experiences? Have lots to talk about? For some people, they need to connect in other areas for their sexual desire to be piqued.

 

He seen a doctor and got his testosterone checked. It's actually higher than average.

And we are great together. We laugh..talk..play games...act funny...we are extremely corny and "in love" type. We litterally never argue about much. Our friends almost do the whole throw up thing when they are around.

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He seen a doctor and got his testosterone checked. It's actually higher than average.

And we are great together. We laugh..talk..play games...act funny...we are extremely corny and "in love" type. We litterally never argue about much. Our friends almost do the whole throw up thing when they are around.

 

If there is little to no sex, and no desire for sex on HIS part, this sounds like a nice friendship.

 

He is definitely emotionally attached though. But marriage is more than that.

 

Again, see a counselor. This is actually very common in young marriages.

 

Perhaps the counselor can enlighten him on some things.... about himself and relationships, commitment in general.

 

And what it means.

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I have never pressured him into it. I've never given him greif. I've never even said anything about it but this one time.

Awhile back he actually said to me that I don't really make any sexual moves on him anymore and he wanted me to. And I did stop because he was rejecting me a lot. I don't try to have sex everyday.

But I did what he asked and made more moves. It didn't do anything. So, I stopped again. And now he tells me this.

He's giving me two separate things.

1 make moves.

2 don't be available

I'm stuck and confused

 

Gosh, well, to me it sounds like there is something he's not telling you about his "capabilities." He's rejecting you but he wants you to come on to him. I think maybe he is hiding erectile dysfunction (sporadic -- only happens sometimes). Seriously, I would tell him you're tired of being rejected and love him and hope he'll come give you the "sign" (you make one up) if he is feeling amorous.

 

One other stray idea. Is he watching porn? If so, he needs to stop.

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Gosh, well, to me it sounds like there is something he's not telling you about his "capabilities." He's rejecting you but he wants you to come on to him. I think maybe he is hiding erectile dysfunction (sporadic -- only happens sometimes). Seriously, I would tell him you're tired of being rejected and love him and hope he'll come give you the "sign" (you make one up) if he is feeling amorous.

 

One other stray idea. Is he watching porn? If so, he needs to stop.

 

This is what I was thinking too!

 

With respect to what another poster suggested.... him waking up with a boner and OP taking advantage of that, that's all well and dandy but that doesn't solve the OP's issue of him not desiring her sexually anymore, now does it. Or his boredom with her being "too available" and "not challenging" enough.

 

Waking up with boner is a biological function, has little to nothing to do with sexual desire for another person. She may as well use a dildo.

 

That is my understanding anyway.

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stillafool

It does sound like you guy are great friends but without sex that's all you are. He misses the challenge of the chase but the problem is you are already caught and that's why he married you. The only thing you can do is continue being his friend, look sexy when around him (not lingerie), and don't mention sex again. If he brings it up in any way, laugh and change the subject. Seriously, do this for the next month and report back.;)

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Ever consider that he might be in the closet?

 

I've heard my fair share of stories of people (male and female) who marry under false pretenses and like a decade later (probably when their parents die) come out of the closet.

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thefooloftheyear
My husband and I have been married for about 2 years now.

We get along great and pretty much are like best friends.

But our sex life has kinda went down over the past year. So, I decided to bring it up in conversation.

First, let me say this. I am 23 years old, and my husband is 27. I have an extremely high sex drive, I'd have sex everyday if he would do it. I have never rejected my husband ever for sex. My husband does not have a mistress, and there are no other problems in our marriage.

He rejects my sexual offers quite a bit, and when I asked him about it he said that I am just "to available" and that I am not a challenge for him. He made an example of having steak...if you have steak all the time and it's always there, then eventually steak is no longer your favorite meal.

Basically my question is...how do I be a challenge? What can I do to help with wanting sex with me again?

He says he is still very much attracted to me. And I've tried some things like dressing up for him and stuff but he says I'm trying to hard.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

 

How are your finances..???

 

This is just a guess...

 

Stuff like tight finances or career issues will kill some guys desire to have sex..Its been my experience that women seem to care less about those types of issues, when it comes to the bedroom, anyway...

 

Being that you are young, I am just assuming here...And don't just assume if he is the one taking care of paying the bills, that he would tell you that he is having trouble...:Lots of guys will carry that around and be too stubborn or prideful to admit that things are really tough..

 

Some of the others have mentioned valid points/reasons....Just another thing to consider...;)

 

Good Luck

 

TFY

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thefooloftheyear
Ever consider that he might be in the closet?

 

I've heard my fair share of stories of people (male and female) who marry under false pretenses and like a decade later (probably when their parents die) come out of the closet.

 

I wish I had a nickel for every time a woman said this...Forget the Powerball...:laugh:

 

 

Why does every woman think that the minute a guy isn't a crazed sex beast that he's gay.??...Never understood that logic...Yeah, it happens, but it's probably pretty rare when you look at the numbers..

 

Certainly not the first area i'd look, if I were a woman, especially if he has never shown any tendencies to indicate that he likes men..

 

TFY

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Sunshinestar88

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Over the past year we have struggled with communication issues, intimacy issues, and sex.

1.He doesn't want to have sex with me. He has admitted to this. He says porn is easier and better.

2. If we do have sex, it's quick and always the same.

3. I try to find ways to "spice" things up...but he doesn't follow it or care to.

4. He says he wants to be a better husband but does nothing to get there. He has asked what he could do better, and I've told him. He'll try for 2 or 3 days, then he stops.

5. We tried counseling. He kept saying that he will do it to help us. We did it for 2 months and he never talked to the guy at all and constantly wanted to back out of it.

6. I have asked for a divorce...and he begs and begs me not to and that he will try harder. But never does.

 

I don't understand what is going on with him.

I know that he is not cheating on me. We've both been cheated on before and we have an agreement together that we both have access to phones, messages, locations ect.

 

I'm close to giving up...

Any idea how to approach this?

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Sunshinestar88
How are your finances..???

 

This is just a guess...

 

Stuff like tight finances or career issues will kill some guys desire to have sex..Its been my experience that women seem to care less about those types of issues, when it comes to the bedroom, anyway...

 

Being that you are young, I am just assuming here...And don't just assume if he is the one taking care of paying the bills, that he would tell you that he is having trouble...:Lots of guys will carry that around and be too stubborn or prideful to admit that things are really tough..

 

Some of the others have mentioned valid points/reasons....Just another thing to consider...;)

 

Good Luck

 

TFY

Our finances are fine. We just recently bought a new home and we both make pretty great money. I am 23 and he is 27. We make more than the average.

He says he's bored with sex. And I've tried EVERYTHING. but he doesn't throw out ideas..or even try to work with my ideas. I just don't understand at all

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