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I am tired of feeling alone. I'm a newly Wed, aren't we supposed to be in the "honeymoon" phase? Not sure what happened to that phase, but it never happened. Immediately after the proposal the sex fell out of our relationship. Before it, we were at once or twice a week. Now, I can count on one hand how many times since our wedding in September.

I'm ready to tell him it was all a mistake, and that we should get it annulled. I have spoken up since the engagement, saying we need to work on our relationship, to make time for our love, and to make time for a sex life. Every time I bring it up, I get a pitty romp in the sack, then back to his norm of not caring. He will put on a good show for friends, but as soon as they are out the door, he turns his back. I have reached the end of my even talking about it. It feels like the marriage is over before it even began.

Because the marriage is so new, I would like to try to save it. I need a new approach. Does anyone have good talking points on the subject? Maybe if we get talking we can work on it. I have suggested seeing someone about it, but so far no effort has been exhuded on his part. I looked around and got some names. I asked him to see if our health insurance would cover couples therapy. He hasn't bothered.

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You can count on one hand how many times you've had sex since getting married in September? Um, that's less than once per month. I understand you wanting to give the marriage a shot since it's new, but honestly, I don't see it getting better. This is the kind of thing that happens over time...generally years, not weeks. I don't know how long you have to annul a marriage where you live, so for that reason, I suggest you give this serious consideration. You don't sound okay living in a sexless marriage and that's where you are headed at light speed.

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You look up the coverage & then book an appointment with a therapist. Drag him.

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whichwayisup

Tell him how it makes you feel when he rejects you and how it looks that he is putting on a happier act when others are around and then as soon as they are not around he changes. He needs to know how upset and hurt you are and that he is giving you mercy sex and then slips back into a bad habit of not having sex with you. He is making you feel lonely and alone by doing this.

 

Ask him questions, does he still love you, is he attracted to you, is he happy, is there something going on at work, has he met someone else. Don't be afraid of the answers, not knowing is worse than not knowing.

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Don't I know it. I never thought that things could go down hill so fast! Here I am saying I wish I had made the other choice when I decided I wanted to come back to this state because I love him. I was visiting my home for the first time in more than 30 years, I had a moment where I thought there was no one I wanted to share it with more than I did with him. I could be living on a cute little boat docked in Santa Cruz with my dog right now if I had made the other choice.

In general I believe that I must put in the most effort possible, before I give up for good and accept the defeat. I remember a time when we were deeply in love, and when life was great. I want to go back there. I want to give it all I have before I throw in the towel, so I am looking for help. If not help, then someone to talk to about it all, someone to say something that helps me find perspective. Anyone in this sort of situation knows that it is hard to talk about with friends.

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I feel your pain, the part about the "honeymoon phase" especially hit home for me. I'm not happy in my marriage, and haven't been for pretty much all of it. I would consider myself a "newlywed" still (less than 2 years). Our "honeymoon phase" was over before our honeymoon was even over. She started freaking out on me at the airport on our return flight home.

The next weekend we took a short car trip and stayed overnight. When we returned home, she was so "tired", so instead of helping me unload the car, she laid on the couch and watched TV for the rest of the day. It was at that point that I realized the "honeymoon phase" was over, and this was my life now...

For the first 6-8 months of our marriage I tried to initiate, but after a while I was really starting to feel hurt by the constant rejection and quit trying. It's great for her, she gets sex whenever SHE wants it, what a deal! Like clockwork, Mondays she's "soooo tired". Tuesdays are "headache" days. Wednesday is another "tired/exhausted" day. Thursday is usually no excuse, but you can cook/clean/laundry while I watch Netflix all night anyway day. Friday is usually our day, but most Fridays are "not feeling well" or "my [insert body part here] hurts". Saturday nights are a no go because she works Sunday mornings. Same for Sundays.

We average sex once a month on a good month, but closer to 2 times every 3 months. I used to consider myself a good husband, but I'll be the first to admit, I've given up emotionally quite a bit. I've really started to resent her and thus I've honestly quit trying. She thinks everything is fine and great, so I figure as long as she thinks that, I'll just coast on auto-pilot.

Don't get to where I'm at. Make some changes, seek counseling. Try to salvage if you can. Maybe he needs a wake-up call. Move in with family or friends for a little bit, see if he tries to win you back. That would definitely wake me up if I were him. Communication is key. Eventually I got to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I started talking back to my wife, and it felt liberating. I figured, what's the worst that could happen? She'd want to divorce me? Maybe I'd be happier! LOL! I too remember the days where we were in love, where things were romantic, and the love was overflowing. I don't feel loved at all now, those feelings are long gone, I don't know who I married, but it wasn't the girl I fell in love with. In fact, ironically, I feel more alone now than I EVER have before.

Edited by Nony101
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Nony, are you still married to her? Your story feels strikingly similar.

So what are you doing to try to help your situation? Did you try counseling? Did it help at all? How have you approached it recently.

We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. Our "honeymoon" was 2 extra days of beach time. We spent that time hanging out with friends and family. Aside from when we slept we didn't spend any real alone time.

For Valentine's day I got the idea of a long weekend out of town. I took him to Atlantic city thinking we could have a nice time, and feel connected together. I never did. While we had a nice time, there was no real us time. I made reservations for a nice romantic dinner, he canceled them, we went to a ****ty restaurant instead. All the while I keep saying it's OK. Still never had a single moment of affection. I would have slept on the sofa in the room like I do at home if I thought it would be remotely comfortable.

I choose not to sleep next to him because I don't like to share a bed with someone I don't feel wants me there.

I am feeling so empty inside because of it, yet he thinks for the most part that all is well. Right now we are nearing the 2 month mark with no sex. I feel like I need a new approach to talk to him. There was a time when I felt like one look from this man would melt my heart.

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Here's the pertinent question.... Exactly WHY do your new spouses think "all is well"??? Communication is key here. If you're unhappy, they should not only KNOW that you're unhappy, they should know why you feel the way you do. When you're in troubled times, turn toward your mate, not away from them. Read through the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

Edited by Ladyjane14
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You've talked and it's done no good.

 

Try writing him a letter ...stating how you feel

 

How you want things back to the way it was

 

How the rejection hurts

 

How every time you mention it....it improves for a moment only

 

How you want to save the marriage, but aren't prepared to be in a marriage like this forever

 

Mention how him canceling the dinner reservation felt to you

 

Ask if he's happy with the way things are. If he is happy .... then I don't see any motivation to change.... although your happiness should be motivation enough.

 

Then say this only if you mean it .... that you won't be able to stay in the marriage in its current state....so when you've given it your best ... and nothing changes...when you raise separation/divorce..he can't say he never saw it coming.

 

Be prepared to separate if there are no changes....follow through. I mean if it's like this with no kids ... you've got problems.

 

Other ideas are:

 

 

Take turns to schedule date nights

Things you both enjoy which get you in a good mood ... that could lead to closeness and intimacy.

 

Do you have access to his phone?

Is there a chance he's cheating?

 

I know it's early days..but some have been known to cheat from the very beginning. ..you'd be suprised.

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Here's the pertinent question.... Exactly WHY do your new spouses think "all is well"??? Communication is key here. If you're unhappy, they should not only KNOW that you're unhappy, they should know why you feel the way you do. When you're in troubled times, turn toward your mate, not away from them. Read through the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

 

I speak with him often about it, or did. I get a pitty romp out of it. Then things are back to where they were. His attention is focused elsewhere.

There always seems to be something more important in his mind than our relationship. As of late our car has taken a dive. $2500 later and it is still not running well. I advised him that I want to pay it off, then think/look at new. He has become preoccupied with looking at new.

I really do want him to be happy in life. I would give anything to keep him happy. He takes little to no interest in my happiness, or what is going on with me unless it has something to do with him. He is happy to visit my friends, and put on the loving show, but he never seems to want to know what is deeper than the surface. I'll be honest, I am not sure he knows what my favorite color is. He doesn't remember my birthday without prompting. When I asked him to go on our valentines day trip I heard the same thing I have heard for the past years, he never had anyone to spend it with until me. I would think that would make it more special! Instead of focusing on the current he sticks his mind in the past. Our discussions become one sided venting sessions where he gets down on himself, and I have to cut them off before anything is accomplished because I hate seeing him upset. I don't want to see him cry. It kills me inside to bring up the things that hurt because I don't want him to ever feel pain. I see as I write that I have a pattern of wanting to sheild him from unpleasantness. Chances are it is my fault for stopping because I don't want him to feel that pain.

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Sandy,

There is no cheating in the literal sense. He doesn't do that. He does look at pictures of other women, I know it, and have told him it hurts me. He doesn't see why. He doesn't get off to those pictures.

We used to have date nights, but none for a while. Nothing that has been the two of us. I think since the wedding. That's why I did the weekend away. I brought us somewhere he would enjoy rather than somewhere I would enjoy. I don't like all the $$ that is spent in Atlantic city. I am not a fan of gambling. I liked the beach. Even if it was cold the smell of the salt water made me feel good. We got married on the beach because it was a place that I would call my happy place. Taking my dog for a walk on the sand listening to the waves, even getting thrashed about while body boarding. That's my happy place. I knew I could get 5 minutes of walking on the beach from the trip, and that was all it would take. I wasn't miserable.

Maybe a letter will work, maybe it won't. I think he only read the one I put in his wallet for bad days once. Yep, I did that. I wrote him a letter telling him how loved he is because I thought that if he ever needed a reminder of how much I cared, or ever needed a pick up after a ****ty day at work, he should have something right there on him to remind him.

I wrote our entire wedding ceremony as a love letter to him. I'm not sure he could recall a single detail.

Maybe now I need to write something that tells him how much it hurts to not feel it reciprocated. I don't do the buying your way out of a bad situation. I hate gifts. That might be the only thing he really knows well. I want time affection and attention.

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Here's the pertinent question.... Exactly WHY do your new spouses think "all is well"??? Communication is key here. If you're unhappy, they should not only KNOW that you're unhappy, they should know why you feel the way you do. When you're in troubled times, turn toward your mate, not away from them. Read through the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

 

At least for my spouse, I think it's a public facing thing. She has a lot of girlfriends that are recently getting married and she wants to be able to talk about how great being married is. I dread that question, how's married life? What I really want to say is that it's miserable and I absolutely hate it, but I just grit my teeth and say fine. Every person I talk to thinking about marriage, I just want to scream in their face, "don't do it!".

We're finally going to counseling here fairly shortly. I don't know if we face the same problem, MBWoodward, but I know with my spouse, I find my feelings invalidated. I can't win an argument. She's always right and I MUST see it from her view. She gives me ultimatums all the time, like this is what it's going to be like, I don't know what else you want from me, I can't do anymore for you than what I'm currently doing (which is jack ****, seriously I was so dumbfounded by that statement).

I've found that our more productive arguments have happened over text message when she can't talk over me and I can more cleanly lay out my thoughts.

The thing I'm really trying to remember is that I'm not completely not at fault for this situation. I'm sure there are things that I can improve on. But similar to you MBWoodward, you can only do those things for so long before the lack of reciprocation wears you down to the point of resentment.

I used to gladly do things for my wife, like collect her dishes after she's done with dinner. She used to say thank you. Now she hands me her plate and silverware when she's done and just expects me to take care of it. No thank you or anything. It sounds like your situation is very similar.

In all honesty, maybe you need not worry about his feelings so much. If your marriage is truly on trouble and you are considering separating, what have you got to lose? I finally made some traction once I thought like this. Bring up the hard topics (at an appropriate time), make him cry and get emotional. I don't know if we're similar personalities, but maybe make a list of things (outline) for this difficult conversation, that might help keep it on track. Maybe he needs to feel some of your pain.

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Here's the pertinent question.... Exactly WHY do your new spouses think "all is well"??? Communication is key here. If you're unhappy, they should not only KNOW that you're unhappy, they should know why you feel the way you do. When you're in troubled times, turn toward your mate, not away from them. Read through the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

 

I speak with him often about it, or did. I get a pitty romp out of it. Then things are back to where they were. His attention is focused elsewhere.

There always seems to be something more important in his mind than our relationship. As of late our car has taken a dive. $2500 later and it is still not running well. I advised him that I want to pay it off, then think/look at new. He has become preoccupied with looking at new.

I really do want him to be happy in life. I would give anything to keep him happy. He takes little to no interest in my happiness, or what is going on with me unless it has something to do with him. He is happy to visit my friends, and put on the loving show, but he never seems to want to know what is deeper than the surface. I'll be honest, I am not sure he knows what my favorite color is. He doesn't remember my birthday without prompting. When I asked him to go on our valentines day trip I heard the same thing I have heard for the past years, he never had anyone to spend it with until me. I would think that would make it more special! Instead of focusing on the current he sticks his mind in the past. Our discussions become one sided venting sessions where he gets down on himself, and I have to cut them off before anything is accomplished because I hate seeing him upset. I don't want to see him cry. It kills me inside to bring up the things that hurt because I don't want him to ever feel pain. I see as I write that I have a pattern of wanting to sheild him from unpleasantness. Chances are it is my fault for stopping because I don't want him to feel that pain.

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Here's the pertinent question.... Exactly WHY do your new spouses think "all is well"??? Communication is key here. If you're unhappy, they should not only KNOW that you're unhappy, they should know why you feel the way you do. When you're in troubled times, turn toward your mate, not away from them. Read through the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

 

I speak with him often about it, or did. I get a pitty romp out of it. Then things are back to where they were. His attention is focused elsewhere.

There always seems to be something more important in his mind than our relationship. As of late our car has taken a dive. $2500 later and it is still not running well. I advised him that I want to pay it off, then think/look at new. He has become preoccupied with looking at new.

I really do want him to be happy in life. I would give anything to keep him happy. He takes little to no interest in my happiness, or what is going on with me unless it has something to do with him. He is happy to visit my friends, and put on the loving show, but he never seems to want to know what is deeper than the surface. I'll be honest, I am not sure he knows what my favorite color is. He doesn't remember my birthday without prompting. When I asked him to go on our valentines day trip I heard the same thing I have heard for the past years, he never had anyone to spend it with until me. I would think that would make it more special! Instead of focusing on the current he sticks his mind in the past. Our discussions become one sided venting sessions where he gets down on himself, and I have to cut them off before anything is accomplished because I hate seeing him upset. I don't want to see him cry. It kills me inside to bring up the things that hurt because I don't want him to ever feel pain. I see as I write that I have a pattern of wanting to sheild him from unpleasantness. Chances are it is my fault for stopping because I don't want him to feel that pain.

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There is a reason that he stopped having sex with you right after marriage and he is refusing to tell you what that reason is. So you have two problems. A lousy sex life and a husband who won't communicate open and honestly. That's a disaster in the making.

 

Don't write him letters or have anymore long talks with him about your feelings. I'm sure you have already done that and it's falling on deaf ears. He has already learned to tune you out. Give him a choice. Counselling or divorce. If he opts for divorce, see it as a blessing because do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this kind of marriage?

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She's_NotInLove_w/Me
How old are you guys?

 

That question crossed my mind too. . .

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How old are you guys?

 

 

In our mid 30's, both of us. First marriage for both. Neither of us have divorce in our families. We were taught that you try to fix things before you call them done. That's kinda why I am reaching out. Needing someone to commiserate with, and suggestions of things I haven't tried yet.

He says wait on counseling. He is headed in to the doctor to get an annual work up in a week, he will see someone about where his own head is at. I doubt that it is anything physical. I think it is all mental.

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dreamingoftigers
In our mid 30's, both of us. First marriage for both. Neither of us have divorce in our families. We were taught that you try to fix things before you call them done. That's kinda why I am reaching out. Needing someone to commiserate with, and suggestions of things I haven't tried yet.

He says wait on counseling. He is headed in to the doctor to get an annual work up in a week, he will see someone about where his own head is at. I doubt that it is anything physical. I think it is all mental.

 

Ugh.

My husband started shutting down sex about two weeks into our marriage.

 

Forget the noise. I should have left back then. I doubt it will get any better.

 

Tbh. Anytime I've seen this on LS, it's always been porn. Always.

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salparadise
Ugh. Anytime I've seen this on LS, it's always been porn. Always.

 

Ugh, you mean there's always someone on LS blaming everything on porn? She'd be lucky if it were that simple. There's something amiss with the relationship; white elephant in the room so to speak. Perhaps a therapist can identify it, but who knows if they will be able to fix it. A normal, thirty-something male in a good marriage would be hittin' it 3-4 times a week minimum.

 

OP, I think you should make the effort with a therapist, but also put a limit on how long you're going to allow it to go on. No sex is a deal breaker for pretty much anyone with their eyes open. Even if it improves somewhat, my guess is that it will never be satisfactory. There's no point in devoting ten or twenty years to a sexless marriage, possibly having a kid or two, and then splitting when you finally decide that a sex life is not something you're willing to forego for the appearance of happiness and normalcy.

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In our mid 30's, both of us. First marriage for both. Neither of us have divorce in our families. We were taught that you try to fix things before you call them done. That's kinda why I am reaching out. Needing someone to commiserate with, and suggestions of things I haven't tried yet.

He says wait on counseling. He is headed in to the doctor to get an annual work up in a week, he will see someone about where his own head is at. I doubt that it is anything physical. I think it is all mental.

 

How is his attitude to life in general?

 

Is he a passive type?

 

Does he have goals and ambitions?

 

 

I ask this because although many people think that *libido* is just about sex, it isn't.

 

Libido is also about ones lust for life, ones desire for experience, ones desire to engage with the world, and to change the world to some extent.

 

It is libido that provides the psychic energy needed to move forward in life.

 

 

"According to Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, the libido is identified as psychic energy. Duality (opposition) creates the energy (or libido) of the psyche, which Jung asserts expresses itself only through symbols: "It is the energy that manifests itself in the life process and is perceived subjectively as striving and desire."

 

 

If he is in general an unaspiring passive type, the outlook isn't good.

 

 

Take care.

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How is his attitude to life in general?

 

Is he a passive type?

 

Does he have goals and ambitions?

 

 

I ask this because although many people think that *libido* is just about sex, it isn't.

 

Libido is also about ones lust for life, ones desire for experience, ones desire to engage with the world, and to change the world to some extent.

 

It is libido that provides the psychic energy needed to move forward in life.

 

 

"According to Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, the libido is identified as psychic energy. Duality (opposition) creates the energy (or libido) of the psyche, which Jung asserts expresses itself only through symbols: "It is the energy that manifests itself in the life process and is perceived subjectively as striving and desire."

 

 

If he is in general an unaspiring passive type, the outlook isn't good.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Funny you should say that. He is a proud survivor of testicular cancer, and I have wondered if somehow his libido didn't drop as a result of potential reoccorance, or just aging with already lowered libido. I have also wondered about depression. Wondered if he thought engagement and marriage would pull him out of whatever he was feeling.

I was very very satisfied when it was 3-4 times a week, then 2-3 times a week. Now I would be happy with twice a month as a start, but happiest with once a week. We don't have to be hitting the sheets every night. A guy with some of his organs missing won't have that kind of libido to begin with. I can compromise on what I would want to meet him half way. As long as it is quality. The year before our engagement and wedding there were occasions where he couldn't get anywhere near done.

It sounds like I am rationalizing quite a bit, I am sure. The truth is I really do love this man. I want to see our marriage work because there is no one I would rather share a beautiful adventure, a fit of laughter, or even the deepest of sadness with. I bet most people can't say that about their significant other.

Someone mentioned drawing a line, to say when I have tried hard enough, or long enough. I am not sure when that would be. It is hard to say what is enough effort. I suppose that if in another 6 months or 12 months it hasn't improved even to 4x in 3 months, and seeming to be on the rise, then it may be time to break my own heart by giving up. I mentioned in a previous post that I could be living on a little boat in Santa Cruz with my dog had I made a different decision. I am not sure living in surf city would be enough to ease the heartache. That's what made the decision for me in the first place.

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I can relate. My XH just checked out on me most of our marriage but it wasn't so quickly afterward.

 

I would push with the ultimatum - counselling or divorce. He needs a wake up call about how big of a deal this is to you. At this point he isn't showing you any ACTIONS that he wants to fix anything. Men will make as much noise as they can get away with when they don't have to do the actions.

 

The thing is you cannot fix your marriage alone. I am all for trying to save a marriage first but you BOTH need to change your actions to fix things. If not it's not worth saving the marriage IMO. That was one of the reasons I went ahead and filed for divorce. My ex didn't want to change anything. He just kept paying lip service and tried to placate me with fancy presents and apologies. Nothing ever changed in his actions. He would go do the same thing that was unacceptable to me just days after the last incident.

 

Based on what you write here it sounds like he's just paying lip service and doesn't plan to follow through. If that's the case and you're at the end of your rope it's time to bring out the big guns IMO.

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I wouldnt let too much time pass in the state you are in as Im sure you wanted a family and time flys.

I was divorced in my early 20's, two years into marriage for the exact same reasons. I waited tried and hoped we could tough it out.

Maybe you can seperate and help him to see the reality of losing you is real.

You need something bigger than flirting, trying to talk to a wall, trying to spice it up.

You may be mismatched, but marriage only gets harder as the years wear on so you need a strong start and to be bonding and making a strong foundation.

You cant force it. I got a very peaceful divorce. Quiet, no fighting, no one judged me and I immediately moved to a new state and learned to stand on my own 2 feet.

Best decision I ever made. If you are trying and trying by yourself it will be futile.

Id personally just file but the next best thing is seperation.

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I wouldnt let too much time pass in the state you are in as Im sure you wanted a family and time flys.

I was divorced in my early 20's, two years into marriage for the exact same reasons. I waited tried and hoped we could tough it out.

Maybe you can seperate and help him to see the reality of losing you is real.

You need something bigger than flirting, trying to talk to a wall, trying to spice it up.

You may be mismatched, but marriage only gets harder as the years wear on so you need a strong start and to be bonding and making a strong foundation.

You cant force it. I got a very peaceful divorce. Quiet, no fighting, no one judged me and I immediately moved to a new state and learned to stand on my own 2 feet.

Best decision I ever made. If you are trying and trying by yourself it will be futile.

Id personally just file but the next best thing is seperation.

 

Yes, its definitely best to put the cards on the table.

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