LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Newly Wed hell


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree65Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 21st March 2016, 12:37 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3,699
There is a reason that he stopped having sex with you right after marriage and he is refusing to tell you what that reason is. So you have two problems. A lousy sex life and a husband who won't communicate open and honestly. That's a disaster in the making.

Don't write him letters or have anymore long talks with him about your feelings. I'm sure you have already done that and it's falling on deaf ears. He has already learned to tune you out. Give him a choice. Counselling or divorce. If he opts for divorce, see it as a blessing because do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this kind of marriage?
anika99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 12:44 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Suburban Chicago
Posts: 433
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
How old are you guys?
That question crossed my mind too. . .
__________________
"Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know what your gonna get!" - Forrest Gump
She's_NotInLove_w/Me is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 12:51 PM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Eastern pennsylvania
Posts: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
How old are you guys?

In our mid 30's, both of us. First marriage for both. Neither of us have divorce in our families. We were taught that you try to fix things before you call them done. That's kinda why I am reaching out. Needing someone to commiserate with, and suggestions of things I haven't tried yet.
He says wait on counseling. He is headed in to the doctor to get an annual work up in a week, he will see someone about where his own head is at. I doubt that it is anything physical. I think it is all mental.
MBWoodard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 12:58 PM   #19
Established Member
 
dreamingoftigers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Calgary, AB
Posts: 12,327
Quote:
Originally Posted by MBWoodard View Post
In our mid 30's, both of us. First marriage for both. Neither of us have divorce in our families. We were taught that you try to fix things before you call them done. That's kinda why I am reaching out. Needing someone to commiserate with, and suggestions of things I haven't tried yet.
He says wait on counseling. He is headed in to the doctor to get an annual work up in a week, he will see someone about where his own head is at. I doubt that it is anything physical. I think it is all mental.
Ugh.
My husband started shutting down sex about two weeks into our marriage.

Forget the noise. I should have left back then. I doubt it will get any better.

Tbh. Anytime I've seen this on LS, it's always been porn. Always.
__________________
I don't ask you to walk a mile in my shoes. I DARE you to drive a mile in my car.
dreamingoftigers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 1:48 PM   #20
Established Member
 
salparadise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 5,062
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers View Post
Ugh. Anytime I've seen this on LS, it's always been porn. Always.
Ugh, you mean there's always someone on LS blaming everything on porn? She'd be lucky if it were that simple. There's something amiss with the relationship; white elephant in the room so to speak. Perhaps a therapist can identify it, but who knows if they will be able to fix it. A normal, thirty-something male in a good marriage would be hittin' it 3-4 times a week minimum.

OP, I think you should make the effort with a therapist, but also put a limit on how long you're going to allow it to go on. No sex is a deal breaker for pretty much anyone with their eyes open. Even if it improves somewhat, my guess is that it will never be satisfactory. There's no point in devoting ten or twenty years to a sexless marriage, possibly having a kid or two, and then splitting when you finally decide that a sex life is not something you're willing to forego for the appearance of happiness and normalcy.
salparadise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 2:04 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Satu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: LV-426
Posts: 9,466
Quote:
Originally Posted by MBWoodard View Post
In our mid 30's, both of us. First marriage for both. Neither of us have divorce in our families. We were taught that you try to fix things before you call them done. That's kinda why I am reaching out. Needing someone to commiserate with, and suggestions of things I haven't tried yet.
He says wait on counseling. He is headed in to the doctor to get an annual work up in a week, he will see someone about where his own head is at. I doubt that it is anything physical. I think it is all mental.
How is his attitude to life in general?

Is he a passive type?

Does he have goals and ambitions?


I ask this because although many people think that *libido* is just about sex, it isn't.

Libido is also about ones lust for life, ones desire for experience, ones desire to engage with the world, and to change the world to some extent.

It is libido that provides the psychic energy needed to move forward in life.


"According to Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, the libido is identified as psychic energy. Duality (opposition) creates the energy (or libido) of the psyche, which Jung asserts expresses itself only through symbols: "It is the energy that manifests itself in the life process and is perceived subjectively as striving and desire."


If he is in general an unaspiring passive type, the outlook isn't good.


Take care.
__________________


"We fly to get high."
Satu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 3:28 PM   #22
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Eastern pennsylvania
Posts: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satu View Post
How is his attitude to life in general?

Is he a passive type?

Does he have goals and ambitions?


I ask this because although many people think that *libido* is just about sex, it isn't.

Libido is also about ones lust for life, ones desire for experience, ones desire to engage with the world, and to change the world to some extent.

It is libido that provides the psychic energy needed to move forward in life.


"According to Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, the libido is identified as psychic energy. Duality (opposition) creates the energy (or libido) of the psyche, which Jung asserts expresses itself only through symbols: "It is the energy that manifests itself in the life process and is perceived subjectively as striving and desire."


If he is in general an unaspiring passive type, the outlook isn't good.


Take care.

Funny you should say that. He is a proud survivor of testicular cancer, and I have wondered if somehow his libido didn't drop as a result of potential reoccorance, or just aging with already lowered libido. I have also wondered about depression. Wondered if he thought engagement and marriage would pull him out of whatever he was feeling.
I was very very satisfied when it was 3-4 times a week, then 2-3 times a week. Now I would be happy with twice a month as a start, but happiest with once a week. We don't have to be hitting the sheets every night. A guy with some of his organs missing won't have that kind of libido to begin with. I can compromise on what I would want to meet him half way. As long as it is quality. The year before our engagement and wedding there were occasions where he couldn't get anywhere near done.
It sounds like I am rationalizing quite a bit, I am sure. The truth is I really do love this man. I want to see our marriage work because there is no one I would rather share a beautiful adventure, a fit of laughter, or even the deepest of sadness with. I bet most people can't say that about their significant other.
Someone mentioned drawing a line, to say when I have tried hard enough, or long enough. I am not sure when that would be. It is hard to say what is enough effort. I suppose that if in another 6 months or 12 months it hasn't improved even to 4x in 3 months, and seeming to be on the rise, then it may be time to break my own heart by giving up. I mentioned in a previous post that I could be living on a little boat in Santa Cruz with my dog had I made a different decision. I am not sure living in surf city would be enough to ease the heartache. That's what made the decision for me in the first place.
MBWoodard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 4:03 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Miss Peach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: With Professor Plum in the Library with the Candlestick
Posts: 2,688
I can relate. My XH just checked out on me most of our marriage but it wasn't so quickly afterward.

I would push with the ultimatum - counselling or divorce. He needs a wake up call about how big of a deal this is to you. At this point he isn't showing you any ACTIONS that he wants to fix anything. Men will make as much noise as they can get away with when they don't have to do the actions.

The thing is you cannot fix your marriage alone. I am all for trying to save a marriage first but you BOTH need to change your actions to fix things. If not it's not worth saving the marriage IMO. That was one of the reasons I went ahead and filed for divorce. My ex didn't want to change anything. He just kept paying lip service and tried to placate me with fancy presents and apologies. Nothing ever changed in his actions. He would go do the same thing that was unacceptable to me just days after the last incident.

Based on what you write here it sounds like he's just paying lip service and doesn't plan to follow through. If that's the case and you're at the end of your rope it's time to bring out the big guns IMO.
Miss Peach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 5:04 PM   #24
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,736
I wouldnt let too much time pass in the state you are in as Im sure you wanted a family and time flys.
I was divorced in my early 20's, two years into marriage for the exact same reasons. I waited tried and hoped we could tough it out.
Maybe you can seperate and help him to see the reality of losing you is real.
You need something bigger than flirting, trying to talk to a wall, trying to spice it up.
You may be mismatched, but marriage only gets harder as the years wear on so you need a strong start and to be bonding and making a strong foundation.
You cant force it. I got a very peaceful divorce. Quiet, no fighting, no one judged me and I immediately moved to a new state and learned to stand on my own 2 feet.
Best decision I ever made. If you are trying and trying by yourself it will be futile.
Id personally just file but the next best thing is seperation.
privategal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2016, 5:10 PM   #25
Established Member
 
Satu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: LV-426
Posts: 9,466
Quote:
Originally Posted by privategal View Post
I wouldnt let too much time pass in the state you are in as Im sure you wanted a family and time flys.
I was divorced in my early 20's, two years into marriage for the exact same reasons. I waited tried and hoped we could tough it out.
Maybe you can seperate and help him to see the reality of losing you is real.
You need something bigger than flirting, trying to talk to a wall, trying to spice it up.
You may be mismatched, but marriage only gets harder as the years wear on so you need a strong start and to be bonding and making a strong foundation.
You cant force it. I got a very peaceful divorce. Quiet, no fighting, no one judged me and I immediately moved to a new state and learned to stand on my own 2 feet.
Best decision I ever made. If you are trying and trying by yourself it will be futile.
Id personally just file but the next best thing is seperation.
Yes, its definitely best to put the cards on the table.
Satu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2016, 3:04 AM   #26
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Eastern pennsylvania
Posts: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by privategal View Post
I wouldnt let too much time pass in the state you are in as Im sure you wanted a family and time flys.
I was divorced in my early 20's, two years into marriage for the exact same reasons. I waited tried and hoped we could tough it out.
Maybe you can seperate and help him to see the reality of losing you is real.
You need something bigger than flirting, trying to talk to a wall, trying to spice it up.
You may be mismatched, but marriage only gets harder as the years wear on so you need a strong start and to be bonding and making a strong foundation.
You cant force it. I got a very peaceful divorce. Quiet, no fighting, no one judged me and I immediately moved to a new state and learned to stand on my own 2 feet.
Best decision I ever made. If you are trying and trying by yourself it will be futile.
Id personally just file but the next best thing is seperation.
I laugh when people mention wanting a family. I hate kids. Seriously, I really have no interest. He has no interest. He also lacks the ability to produce then. The intense chemo he received left him unable to produce children.
I agree with you that it needs a strong foundation. Without it, there is no change of surviving.

I am curious, has anyone ever known a couple to bounce back from this?
MBWoodard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2016, 11:18 AM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 1,136
It only gets harder from here.

Contrary to popular belief, marriage doesn't solve problems....it creates them.

Having kids doesn't solve problems...it creates them.

Seriously. If you are dealing with this from GO, better to cut bait and get your money back.
TrustedthenBusted is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2016, 11:23 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Satu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: LV-426
Posts: 9,466
Quote:
Originally Posted by MBWoodard View Post
I laugh when people mention wanting a family. I hate kids. Seriously, I really have no interest. He has no interest. He also lacks the ability to produce then. The intense chemo he received left him unable to produce children.
I agree with you that it needs a strong foundation. Without it, there is no change of surviving.

I am curious, has anyone ever known a couple to bounce back from this?
I've known people with the same problem, but I've never even heard of someone resolving it.
Satu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2016, 11:36 AM   #29
Established Member
 
dreamingoftigers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Calgary, AB
Posts: 12,327
Quote:
Originally Posted by TrustedthenBusted View Post
It only gets harder from here.

Contrary to popular belief, marriage doesn't solve problems....it creates them.

Having kids doesn't solve problems...it creates them.

Seriously. If you are dealing with this from GO, better to cut bait and get your money back.
I notice something very similar.

It doesn't necessarily "create" the problem but it amplifies both the good and bad traits going into marriage or parenting from your own and your partner's programming.

So if he loves to clean and has a bad temper, you'll get a guy that blows up and makes you a big dinner to apologize. Etc.
dreamingoftigers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2016, 12:02 PM   #30
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Eastern pennsylvania
Posts: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satu View Post
I've known people with the same problem, but I've never even heard of someone resolving it.
I am going to let him get to the doctor, and make sure that it isn't physical, then by force to get to the mental. I ask pointed questions to get him to think about what is going on in his mind, and talk about it. Chances are he never would have talked about many things before my prodding. He has agreed to see a mental health professional, and if they say they dont believe it is anything serious, and the regular doctor says nothing going on but high cholesterol, then he says he will go to marriage counseling. I am not huge on talking about myself in person, or even on the phone. I find it difficult to speak my mind when someone can see or hear me. I have always been a very private person in person. It's much easier for me to speak this way. I think I am more scared of going to a counselor than he is!
On the other side, I am going to go back to forced date nights until we are in a habit of spending an evening each week together. They will go on the chore calendar until we are back in a habit. I do think that scheduling our time like that is a little less than romantic, but if we get back on the horse, maybe we can stay on it. I would like to actually feel like sleeping in the same bed at the same time. It is difficult to crawl into bed feeling unwanted and sleep facing away from each other.
I did make him aware that we are headed for divorce if we keep on this path. Now I will have to follow through and break my own heart if needed.
MBWoodard is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
newly wed ruby31 Marriage & Life Partnerships 12 1st December 2015 1:17 PM
Newly married, newly divorced, new post. stevensgirl Separation and Divorce 74 24th November 2006 3:28 PM
Newly divorced, newly married!! stevensgirl Separation and Divorce 19 3rd November 2006 4:57 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:07 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.