blackcat777 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Something in another thread sparked this thought, but I didn't want to derail the topic. I've seen it suggested before that "friends that aren't friends of the marriage" should be cut loose. What are everyone's thoughts on this idea? Pros and cons? When, where, and how should boundaries be drawn? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 You mean they are not supportive of the marriage ? Or they are just individual separate friends - to one of the spouses? or are they opposite sex friends ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I was also wondering what you mean by it. To me, when I say that we've decided that we won't have friends who aren't friends of the marriage, I simply mean that no opposite sex friend will be secret. If one of us develops a new friendship or nurtures an old one with an opposite sex friend, it will include the spouse. One practical application of this is that WH and the OW were involved in a constant mixed-gender group text with some of our mutual friends (who did not know about the affair). After DD, WH told them that he couldn't have contact with OW and started a new message without her with the group, but I realized that I felt excluded. Why was I not included on a mixed-gender text message with my own friends to begin with? So then WH started another one with me. I understand that maybe once in a while they'll chat without me about a hobby or interest I don't share, just as I have a group text with parents from preschool that includes a lot of husbands and wives, and gets started and restarted with various recipients based on the contents (whether it's political or a "hey, who can meet at the park tomorrow?"). But the overall feel of the relationship should be that they are "our" friends. WH and I both have opposite gender friends from high school that we keep in touch with. We've met and feel comfortable with them. If I got an email from my friend Dave I'd probably just say, "Hey, Dave emailed. They're pregnant again" or whatnot. If WH felt the need to check my email he could; he knows (or knew and has forgotten) the password to my laptop and I would share immediately if he wanted to see. But if you are asking about friends who are not a positive influence in your life to begin with and who therefore behave in ways that threaten your marriage, then yes, I'd evaluate why you chose to be friends with such people in the first place and look for healthier peers. I am grateful that our friends are good influences and good support. During the A my WH shared that he had feelings for another woman with three friends. They were all shocked and dismayed and encouraged him to seek counseling. None of them said, "Way to go man!" or anything of the sort. Likewise the group-text friends were horrified when WH went NC with the OW and reached out to me in support and to express how they felt responsible. All of those examples are exactly the kind of person I want to have in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 H has friends I know of but don't know. As do I. We both also have friends that our spouses have met and become friends with in our turn. We have mutual couple friends. No problem with any of those scenarios. If I meet someone new that I get on well with I talk to H about them because we share things that matter to us. IMO problems arise when there are secrets. Over the years we have both known people who, for whatever reason, have seemed negative about marriage/long-term relationships and were always encouraging activities that excluded the other partner and mocking marriage. We've known people who were blatantly attracted to one member of the couple. That is not comfortable or healthy and those freindships tended to die a natural death. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 What are everyone's thoughts on this idea? Pros and cons? When, where, and how should boundaries be drawn? Are you referring to "strip club" guy and "let's go clubbing" girl? Haven't had to exclude them, they've fallen by the wayside over the years as our interests have taken divergent paths... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I'm 51 and I've only been married for 2 1/2 years. Many of my friends - male - have been my friends for 20 and 30 years. I would *NEVER* cut them lose. I am fortunate to have a new husband who is not jealous and has met most of my guy friends; all the ones that live nearby, at least. For those that live far away, I stay in touch via FB or phone, but they are now about to go away. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcat777 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 To be clear (sorry!), I meant any kind of hostility toward the marriage, be it someone is attracted, someone is negative about relationships, someone despises the spouse for whatever reason. Any sort of friendship that causes ongoing friction, really. There are some opposite-sex friendships that I do truly believe are acceptable. One of my best friends from childhood (who is also gay) is welcome to stay with my boyfriend and I at any time, and he will bring his boyfriend whenever possible. We all get along great! Everything is also transparent and respectful - no secrets or emotional confiding between my friend and I that shouldn't first be shared with the SO. It is interesting to see that the toxic relationships seem to fizzle out over time... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 To be clear (sorry!), I meant any kind of hostility toward the marriage, be it someone is attracted, someone is negative about relationships, someone despises the spouse for whatever reason. Any sort of friendship that causes ongoing friction, really. my friends don't have to be buddies with my partner or even like him -- but not respecting my marriage means not respecting my personal choice. so i would cut those friends loose, yes. it's hard being friends with someone who isn't supportive of your lifestyle and huge life changes, choices. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 (edited) Something in another thread sparked this thought, but I didn't want to derail the topic. I've seen it suggested before that "friends that aren't friends of the marriage" should be cut loose. What are everyone's thoughts on this idea? Pros and cons? When, where, and how should boundaries be drawn? Well, my hubby and I don't have all the same friends. I have more friends than my hubby does, and he's fine with that. I also have male friends, but I make sure never to be alone with them. Most of them are married or have girlfriends, and I'm friends more with their wives and girlfriends than with them. For me, respect is important. I respect my marriage by not being alone with another guy -whether friend or not. It's just a part of my definition of marriage respect lol. My husband is the same though he's not as sociable as I am. What he would love is to someday join a motorcycle group, which is more in line with his idea of sociability than going out with friends to a restaurant. When he does that, I plan on joining him on the back of his motorcycle sometimes and other times waving bye to him while he goes to hang out with his motorcycle friends. They don't have to be my friends as long as they respect our marriage! As long as he comes back home to me and we honor the promises we made to each other, we are fine! Edited March 17, 2016 by BetheButterfly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 We booted one of my wife's friends because she was beyond disrespectful to the marriage. Another went to minor part time friend (really mostly a work acquaintance) because she was critical of my wife (will me I guess) for marrying me. These were all same sex female friends. There were other males, whom she called "friends" but got the boot for justifiable reasons I wont go into here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 To be clear (sorry!), I meant any kind of hostility toward the marriage, be it someone is attracted, someone is negative about relationships, someone despises the spouse for whatever reason. Any sort of friendship that causes ongoing friction, really. Oh, definitely any friend who is hostile to my marriage I will not keep. I've never experienced any friend be hostile to my marriage though, which is cool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 My wife had an affair years ago and confided in a friend of hers. That friend shared in all the juicy gossip, and once allowed herself to be used as a cover story. When it all came out in the wash, I told my wife that a condition of reconciliation is that she cut this friend loose immediately, and unequivocally. I was under no obligation to forgive this friend for her actions, and I wasn't inclined to. At first, my wife pushed back, because she was confused and trying to minimize damage, but I held fast. As she saw the light, she understood better how damaging it was trying to keep this friend around, and ultimately not worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 toxic friends, ie those advocating a spouse cheats, or that you deny a spouse sex, absolutely should be eliminated. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 OK, I can see how a friend who happened to be "in on the cheating" is seen by the BS as "the enemy", but that situation is not an easy one to be in is it? Do you betray the friend and tell the BS, losing your friendship? The BS is often not your friend anyway so why would you get involved and tell them? It is not really the friend's "fault" that she/he may find themselves in that position, it is really the "fault" of the WS. So whilst I can see excluding a friend who is actively encouraging the spouse to cheat or who has actively become involved in the deceit, it seems a bit hard on the friend who just finds him or herself in the midst of the mess through no fault of their own. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 One spouse in a marriage can have opposite sex friends who don't know the spouse. What they shouldn't have are "friendships" with people who seek to break up the marriage or who have romantic feelings toward them. I work in a male dominated field. I have dozens of male colleagues who I interact with . . . occasionally I will have lunch with these men, talk on the phone with them or even grab a drink. The bulk of our conversations are about work or current events; they aren't personal / intimate although I once hugged a colleague moments after he got a call that his wife had just be in a head on collision. It wasn't sexual by any stretch. I hugged him to get him to stop shaking so he could pull himself together to determine how he wanted to get to the hospital to be with her. If a hint of longing, romance or lust crops into an opposite sex friendship, distance should be inserted immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
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