ctherese Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) This is my first time writing on a Forum. I read a post earlier from years ago and there seemed to be some similarities in our situations and there was some good advice, so I thought what do I have to lose. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, but officially together for 6 years. His best friend and his (now) wife have been around for that whole time and at the beginning we were great all together. But something changed on their end, and all of a sudden I was completely excluded and treated horribly. Let me sum it up to what were the most life shattering moments for me... - It started out with rumours around a small town about me, and snide comments directed at me on social media. That hurt, but I tried not to let the childish behaviour get to me as much as I could. - BF's wedding in May 2013 - Now before I get started, I understand that my husband was in the complete wrong here, and we have addressed his behaviour. My husband was the best man, I was seated at a table right in the back of the room with the "singles" of whom I knew no one, in a town that apparently knew everything about me given the vicious rumours. I didn't see my husband at all that night. I made my own way home, but he stayed at the wedding reception and didn't come home but waited for me to come back to the wedding reception the next day to pick him up where he was still heavily intoxicated. At the time, he couldn't understand why I was upset... - 2 weeks before our Wedding in October 2013 - Night out at the pub, alcohol never helps a situation! I wasn't invited to this night out with their friend couples, but I was out with friends anyway. Husband called after a couple hours and wanted me to come round but when I got there they didn't know I walked in the room, and I overheard the BF and wife telling my husband that they can see that he isn't happy and that he needs to do something about it before it was too late. Needless to say I was upset and I confronted them but they were all too drunk and brushed it off. I went outside to speak to my husband but while this was happening, they were telling my (now) sister in law that my husband had cheated on me and that they thought that I should know before we got married. - Continuous issues since then with small talk about me behind my back, being left out of situations where everyone else's wives are invited to dinners/parties, but my husband is told they're all "boys nights" so obviously he wouldn't bring me. I can understand at the start that the BF may have been having some sort of separation anxiety because my husband had changed when he met me. But people change in some way when they get in a relationship, you can't be that selfish person who you used to be that did things without taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. He is now a man that I can trust and rely on to the end of time. I know that he would do nothing on purpose to hurt me, and we have the most amazing strong relationship outside of this. We are best friends, and we have the greatest time together making decisions about our life together. BUT I'm on the outside with this BF situation, constantly being asked to change who I am and deal with the situation in order to keep everyone else happy. I can understand it and I have been doing it now for over 3 years, but at what point do I stop this and start focusing on my own happiness. How is it fair that they are allowed to treat me this way yet I'm the only one who needs to handle this burden all on my own. The thing that made it come to a head now, was that BF has just had a baby. They took our baby girl name (we are having trouble having children) and have now asked husband to be the godparent. I mean, what more can they freely take from me?!! With everything that has happened over the years, my husband and I have spoken about it, and we seem to get to the point where he says he is going to confront the BF and wife but it never happens. He finally now understands how I feel but I don't want to make him choose because that will only cause resentment in the future. It is to the point though that I do not want to have anything to do with these toxic people. It is not to say that I won't change my feelings in the distant future, but for now I'm done. I feel as though this is going to break our marriage if I can't find a way to move past this. Can anyone share some light?? Edited March 16, 2016 by ctherese Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I think your husband is the one who's treating you badly by not standing up for you and coming to your defense. Why does he allow them to treat you in this manner, and why does he lie to you about boys night out when it really isn't? Yes, this will destroy your relationship with him if it doesn't get resolved. And he doesn't even need to confront them about it. All he needs to do is not hang out with them unless you're invited and they treat you better. I know plenty of men who would walk away from anyone who treated their wives this way. I'm wondering why your husband doesn't. Frankly, it seems to me that your husband is feeding their attitude. Did he deny it when they pointed out that he was unhappy? Where did they get that idea from? Did your husband tell them that? Was it true that he had an affair? I don't know. As far as I can tell, your husband is the one who controls this issue with them and, so far, his actions have been less than impressive. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) Totally agree with bathtub. It's your husband's job to stand up for you and your relationship, and at best, he has been keeping silent to maintain peace with people who are toxic and deranged. At worst, he has not been honest with you about his issues/ feelings/ behaiviors, which is fueling these people's attitude toward you and your relationship. My guess is that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Clearly his friends like to gossip, but there's a good chance they didn't come up with all the rumors all on their own with no input about you and your relationship from him. Did you experience some kind of rough patch before the issues began, that would have caused him to say negative things about you to his friends? That seems like the most likely way this would have started... he said something to turn them against you, and they ran with it and launched the campaign against you. Some people have a hard time just listening and dont undertand when something is none of their business and its time to back off. Perhaps marriage counseling would be helpful in this case to help him comprehend his responsibilities and set some boundaries. You should not have to put up with this behaivior from his friends, but he is the only one who can put a stop to it, imo. Edited March 16, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 Yep, this all comes back to your husband. If he demands that his friends respect you then they will but as long as he's willing to turn a blind eye they will continue to treat you however they wish. Your husband plays the helpless role and pretends there is nothing he can do but that is a huge cop out, he is the only one who can take control of this situation. You overheard these friends telling your boyfriend that he isn't happy and overheard them telling someone else that he cheated on you? What did you do with that information? Just brush it under the carpet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctherese Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Thanks for your feedback. I have confronted my husband throughout this whole saga, and recently about him standing up for me as his wife. He understands that it is all his fault about brushing everything under the rug and expecting me to just forget about it. Him being a man who hates conflict, says he would personally just let it go and “get over it”. But this is the reason it has got to this point now, because I’m sick of being trampled on and being the only one who has to change to keep everyone else happy. It has eventually taken its toll. I think back when it first started before we were married, there were some teething problems with us getting used to having a serious relationship together, it was difficult for both of us. So I guess them being protective of their friend, they chose to go down the hateful path. Unfortunately though they are just vindictive, small town minded people, who have nothing better than to make up stories to belittle others for their own amusement. Hubby and I have agreed that he needs to speak with the BF and wife, address all of the issues in the past, and explain that the way they have treated me needs to stop. We have a great thing together now (apart from this situation) and we both don’t want to lose that. I guess I can only do my part to help in that and try my best to move on from their childish behaviour. Watch this space in the future, I may require assistance if this issue is not resolved again :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 The problem with your husband telling his friends that they must treat you better is that their outward behaviour might change - but they still won't like you. I think that your husband needs to cut them from your lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctherese Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 I do agree Basil67 - But this person has been through my husband's life since he was a young boy and the BF helped get him through his mother passing. It's a hard thing to let go and I can see that it physically pains him to consider it. He understands though that after this confrontation, if there is no change, he will need to cut these people from his life... Deep down I am hoping that they show their true colours and don't change! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 He understands though that after this confrontation, if there is no change, he will need to cut these people from his life... Deep down I am hoping that they show their true colours and don't change! There are ways to stay friends with people and keep them at a distance. For instance, I've played on a softball team with guys I've known forever but have had a few (now resolved) issues with over the years. I just avoid the after parties and socialization, especially anything in a bar scene. As others have said, this is completely within your husband's control... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 The problem with your husband telling his friends that they must treat you better is that their outward behaviour might change - but they still won't like you. I think that your husband needs to cut them from your lives. This. Anyone who cannot be respectful and friendly to my husband is no friend of mine. Spouses should always stand up for each other as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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