Jump to content

Reading too much into it?


Recommended Posts

In a 32 year marriage and for the last five years a lot of unsettling times. My husband retired five years ago and now likes to travel often fishing and hunting. He never plans anything with me and I've brought it up several times which usually irritates him. He always comes to bed much later than me and our sex life has been unfulfilling. Then I found he had a couple of female fishing friends that I never knew about. He was very angry at me for questioning him about one of them in particular and said I was wrongly accusing him. I have not felt comfortable with him since that summer three years ago. I always feel he's lying though I don't say this to him. Over the holidays a picture of a woman and two young girls showed up on his wall in his den placed among other pictures that he had collected of my young granddaughters. I saw the picture and could not figure out who this was. He never said anything. He's away fishing now, so I decided to text him about the picture. This way I could avoid him if he became angry at me. He sent me a message back saying it was his friends ex-wife and her two daughters whom call him their uncle. I think it is very out of place for him to put some other woman's picture with her daughters on his wall, and never once say anything to me about who they are. Am I wrong to feel very uncomfortable about his behavior? He says I make too much out of things and that my accusing him has changed his feelings about me. I don't feel good about any of this.

Edited by Melanie1
Link to post
Share on other sites

More often than not, when you've been with someone that long and suspect something is up, it's not unfounded. Where there is smoke, there is fire. I think you have legitimate concerns here (making plans without you, female friends you know nothing about whom he goes on fishing trips with, etc.) and the photo explanation sounds suspect. Who puts a picture of his friend's ex wife on his wall? If the children call him uncle, I am sure he could have gotten a pic of only them and placed on his wall. Seems weird to me. Yah, he's up to something. Do you know this so-called friend? You two sound like you are living completely separate lives.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I don't know this friend. He became very defensive three years ago when I questioned him about one of these ladies. He claimed she was a friend he was helping through a breakup. He gets very defensive and nasty with me when I try to talk to him about our relationship issues. I'm not a fighter or arguementive person. I just like to talk things out. He doesn't and yells at me to stop accusing him and leave him alone. A couple of months ago he told me he loves me but he's not in love with me. (Whatever that means). Then he told me he left the marriage a long time ago. I've asked him several times how long ago did he leave? He says it doesn't matter and it's just a figure of speech. I don't know what to think with him. He acts like I should accept everything the way it is and not ever say anything to him or question him about our marriage. I'm not comfortable with this. Im suppose to just work and come home alone while he's out sport fishing and living a life of leisure that Im not a part of?

Link to post
Share on other sites
More often than not, when you've been with someone that long and suspect something is up, it's not unfounded. Where there is smoke, there is fire. I think you have legitimate concerns here (making plans without you, female friends you know nothing about whom he goes on fishing trips with, etc.) and the photo explanation sounds suspect. Who puts a picture of his friend's ex wife on his wall? If the children call him uncle, I am sure he could have gotten a pic of only them and placed on his wall. Seems weird to me. Yah, he's up to something. Do you know this so-called friend? You two sound like you are living completely separate lives.

 

Yeah I couldn't agree more here. If you think something is up with someone you've known for 32 years then something is up.

 

I'd start investigating if I were you he is definitely up to something. If it was innocent he wouldn't be getting angry and defensive when you bring it up.

 

In regards to the explanation of the picture of the woman and children I'd be very suspicious of it being a 'friends' ex wife and kids. Especially if this isn't a friend you know but apparently he is in so much contact with them that they call him uncle. - something is wrong with his explanation here.

 

Who's ex is this supposed to be? You've never seen her before and it's clearly not someone you know? I'd start digging. Starting with this mysterious woman and kids.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't know this friend. He became very defensive three years ago when I questioned him about one of these ladies. He claimed she was a friend he was helping through a breakup. He gets very defensive and nasty with me when I try to talk to him about our relationship issues. I'm not a fighter or arguementive person. I just like to talk things out. He doesn't and yells at me to stop accusing him and leave him alone. A couple of months ago he told me he loves me but he's not in love with me. (Whatever that means). Then he told me he left the marriage a long time ago. I've asked him several times how long ago did he leave? He says it doesn't matter and it's just a figure of speech. I don't know what to think with him. He acts like I should accept everything the way it is and not ever say anything to him or question him about our marriage. I'm not comfortable with this. Im suppose to just work and come home alone while he's out sport fishing and living a life of leisure that Im not a part of?

 

Based on what you've said here this relationship is dead. You should leave. He checked out emotionally and physically a long time ago by the sounds of it (just hasn't left the house). Sounds like he has made it clear the relationship is over. It also sounds like he is definitely seeing someone else as he has told you he has left the marriage a long time ago.

 

You need to leave. You are clearly not part of his life anymore. He has moved on. Am not sure why you still living with him?

 

If he has told you the relationship is over why are you sticking around? It sounds like you are already separated but living in the same house?

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Based on what you've said here this relationship is dead. You should leave. He checked out emotionally and physically a long time ago by the sounds of it (just hasn't left the house). Sounds like he has made it clear the relationship is over. It also sounds like he is definitely seeing someone else as he has told you he has left the marriage a long time ago.

 

You need to leave. You are clearly not part of his life anymore. He has moved on. Am not sure why you still living with him?

 

If he has told you the relationship is over why are you sticking around? It sounds like you are already separated but living in the same house?

 

I agree, the relationship is dead and he has moved on to the extent of posting pics of "strangers" in his den, strangers who you have never met yet who know him well enough to call him uncle...

YOU know what is up here, he has disengaged, it doesn't really matter if he is cheating now or in the past or has never cheated, your marriage is over.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, I agree with all your remarks I don't speak to anyone about what goes on in my marriage, but needed some feedback because I.feel so humiliated when I deal with him. Why am I still here? Well this has been home for twenty-eight years. Not easy to just get up and walk away. I have always been committed to making my marriage work until lately after some of the things he has said to me, and the fact that I hate the way he talks to me. I think about leaving everyday, and how I might start a new life. Just the fact that I don't feel comfortable around him, and have no sense of trust. I know he's going to say I brought everything on with my insecurities. And the fact that he has told me that I was making myself crazy with all the stuff I make up in my mind... It occurred to me that he was gaslighting me. Just want some verification that my perceptions are not flawed and that of a crazy woman. Thank you so much!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

He returned from his last trip a couple of days ago. He is not really speaking to me and has been sleeping in another bedroom. I know he's mad at me for suggesting that he is having a relationship with the lady in the picture on his den wall. He has not removed the picture, and I haven't said anything else to him about it. Interesting how he has closed me off for calling him out about the inappropriateness of having the picture there in the first place. It's more peaceful for me that he chooses not to talk to me or be around me...but reinforces my perception that he does not care how awful and alienated he makes me feel. If he doesn't want me to accuse him of cheating he shouldn't do the things he does to make me believe he is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I feel over the years my suspicions are valid. I don't feel like I'm in a loving relationship when he never plans anything with me, and finds so much wrong with me. Many times I walk away from him thinking how mean and cruel he is for the things he says to me. Yet he says I've ruined the relationship with my insecurities and accusations. He says I'm crazy and he will end up putting me away. He tells me if our marriage ends it will be all because of me. I'm the one who has tried to understand, give him his space and time to be with his friends for their sports, but asked him to find some time that we can plan something together. I feel I've wasted half my life with him. I'm so disappointed. Im lonely and have felt alone for many years. Yet at this point as I'm ready to finally let it go and move on I feel like I'm wrong to give up on him. Maybe because we have been together so many years he feels like a family member to me. I would never turn my back on a family member. I've just had it trying to deal with him. I enjoy my time alone when he's not around. He has turned me off so and I don't think he realizes how much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

After confronting my husband about a picture of some woman and her kids on his den wall, he claimed it was his friends ex wife and daughters whom he is like a uncle to. He resented me questioning him about them and is angry that I accused him of having a relationship with her. But we have been married thirty two years and I have never seen or heard of these people before. He has not been speaking to me and has been sleeping in another bedroom. Today I noticed a flashing blue light on his den wall. I went in to see what it was and its a small unit mounted on his light switch. It's blinking constantly. Is this some kind of spy camera, or motion detector? This really looks bad like he's definitely got something to hide and I guess he wants to know if I go in the room. This is our home and he has this stuff up to keep aware if I go in there? It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why are you still living together when your marriage is as dead as Dodo?

 

Your other thread confirmed the death and signed the certificate.

 

How can you live like this?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It has been very very hard. I'm trying so hard to move on. I'm guess I'm still in such disbelief over everything that happens. I'm so tired though. So tired of trying to understand, trying to communicate, and tired of hurting. I am trying so to move forward.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
It has been very very hard. I'm trying so hard to move on. I'm guess I'm still in such disbelief over everything that happens. I'm so tired though. So tired of trying to understand, trying to communicate, and tired of hurting. I am trying so to move forward. ��

 

I understand that and I'm sorry if my previous comment was a bit harsh.

 

I just wish that your husband would show some consideration of your feelings and treat you with the respect that you deserve.

 

He seems to be completely selfish and cold.

 

He's incredibly fortunate to be married to somebody who is as kind and patient as you are.

 

He doesn't deserve you.

 

 

Take care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are both living in the same house because neither of you has the wherewithal to pack up and leave.

 

 

You will leave and move on with your life when the pain and discomfort of the status quo surpasses the fear and inconvenience of leaving.

 

 

He will leave when his girlfriend tells him to and threatens to cut him off if he doesn't.

 

 

At this point it is just a toss of a coin as to which will happen first.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just get a cardboard box, boldly walk into the room and cover the fixture with the little blue light. Tape it to the wall if you need to, and snoop around to your heart's delight. When he asks you about it, just say that the blinking blue light bothers you whenever you go into the room, so you cover it. Stick to that story the same way he's sticking to his.

 

Fortune belongs to the bold!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
......I feel I've wasted half my life with him. I'm so disappointed. Im lonely and have felt alone for many years. Yet at this point as I'm ready to finally let it go and move on I feel like I'm wrong to give up on him......

 

(((Melanie)))

 

I've just read the whole thread. It is really sad and I really feel for you. Well done for coming here - you are amongst friends here.

 

Am I right in saying that before his retirement, everything was fine and normal? has he been a good communicator in general throughout your marriage?

 

Some people fall into depression when they retire. Do you think that this may be part of the problem?

 

One major issue is communication. It is one thing to have problems - we all do. But the flat refusal to communicate and speak to you, his anger when you bring any of this up - that is hugely damaging and completely unacceptable in a marriage.

 

To have any chance in rescuing this marriage, it is essential somehow to encourage and persuade him to communicate in a loving way without becoming defensive and angry. Do you think he would agree to seeing a marriage counsellor with you to help him in opening up? Right now he is treating you with disrespect, belittling your concerns, dismissing them, not showing you love, closing you out and frustrating you. I get the impression that you feel like you are treading on eggshells every time you want to bring any of this up. You must feel left out, unheard, unimportant and without value and.

 

As for you other suspicions, yes - I agree that you should investigate. There are lots of red flags and the 'spy box' is completely unacceptable. I think you need to play him at his own game. There are lots of tips and tricks available here to help you and various approaches - phone tracking, GPS, keyboard capture - even hiring a PI. I think you need to know whether he really is spending all that time fishing - and who with.

 

Let's be optimistic and say that he is not having an affair - if so, there is still a lot of work ahead of you to get him to open up and tell you know why he seems so disinterested in your marriage. If he IS having an affair, well - that's another story - we will be here for you in either case.

 

We will be thinking of you Melanie. This is 32 years, and I'm assuming that most of these were great? Don't give up just yet - your first barrier is simply getting him to communicate. And come to us - we're here for you. Good luck, J

Edited by jenkins95
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

He has always been obsessed with the fishing and hunting. So I've always joked about being the neglected wife throughout our marriage. It's just since the kids are grown and gone, and he has much more time now, although I'm still working we could plan something for the two of us on my vacation time. The rest is for him to hang with his friends. Five years ago after he retired I started suggesting we do this but he never agreed to anything. He also became very distant and critical of me. That's when I started to become a bit curious. Then I just happened to be looking at one of his fishing social media pages where I noticed this woman wishing him happy birthday. I looked into that deeper and found they were friends communicating often, even her accepting fishing artifacts from him as gifts. She is very much into fishing just like him. She even wrote about how great a fisherman and friend he is on her blog. I responded to her blog saying how nice it was she was giving my husband so many props in her blog. In a private message I said I was surprised I had never met her being that she's such good friends with my husband. She never answered but went straight to him about it. He came to me extremely angry, saying I was f----ed up for threatening her (which I never did) and they were only friends and he was helping her through a breakup where her boyfriend beat her. He completely defended her and yelled at me for accusing him. I will never forget how that left me feeling. Well I also contacted the ex-boyfriend and he was very kind in speaking to me. He said that he had moved on, but when they were together he never hit her and did not understand why she was telling anyone that. That was four years ago, and I still shake just writing about it here. Things have never been the same since. He said I was making him hate me whenever I tried to talk to him. I did go to counseling myself because I was so hurt by his behavior. I did ask him to go with me but he said nothing was wrong with him, I am the one who is f---ed up. I absolutely hate the way he talks to me. I never talk to him that way. Now, he puts this picture up on his wall for me to see, after all this difficulty in our marriage. Why make me suspicious if he doesn't like me accusing him? Honestly, I feel like there's not much left for me to do but back out gracefully. I don't think I will ever trust him again,or believe he loves me at all. I think he stays for convenience. I am just so tired of dealing with him. Ive hurt so much through all of this. I never thought we would end up like this, and I didn't give up on us easily. He never has anything nice to say to me. In fact I said to him a couple of weeks ago if he didn't have anything nice to say not to say anything at all. So now after I asked him about the picture he barely talks to me at all, other than to get half the money for the household bills.We are hardly ever in the same room in the house at the same time, and he has been sleeping in another room. I feel like we have pretty much spiraled to rock bottom.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
He has always been obsessed with the fishing and hunting. So I've always joked about being the neglected wife throughout our marriage. It's just since the kids are grown and gone, and he has much more time now, although I'm still working we could plan something for the two of us on my vacation time. The rest is for him to hang with his friends. Five years ago after he retired I started suggesting we do this but he never agreed to anything. He also became very distant and critical of me. That's when I started to become a bit curious. Then I just happened to be looking at one of his fishing social media pages where I noticed this woman wishing him happy birthday. I looked into that deeper and found they were friends communicating often, even her accepting fishing artifacts from him as gifts. She is very much into fishing just like him. She even wrote about how great a fisherman and friend he is on her blog. I responded to her blog saying how nice it was she was giving my husband so many props in her blog. In a private message I said I was surprised I had never met her being that she's such good friends with my husband. She never answered but went straight to him about it. He came to me extremely angry, saying I was f----ed up for threatening her (which I never did) and they were only friends and he was helping her through a breakup where her boyfriend beat her. He completely defended her and yelled at me for accusing him. I will never forget how that left me feeling. Well I also contacted the ex-boyfriend and he was very kind in speaking to me. He said that he had moved on, but when they were together he never hit her and did not understand why she was telling anyone that. That was four years ago, and I still shake just writing about it here. Things have never been the same since. He said I was making him hate me whenever I tried to talk to him. I did go to counseling myself because I was so hurt by his behavior. I did ask him to go with me but he said nothing was wrong with him, I am the one who is f---ed up. I absolutely hate the way he talks to me. I never talk to him that way. Now, he puts this picture up on his wall for me to see, after all this difficulty in our marriage. Why make me suspicious if he doesn't like me accusing him? Honestly, I feel like there's not much left for me to do but back out gracefully. I don't think I will ever trust him again,or believe he loves me at all. I think he stays for convenience. I am just so tired of dealing with him. Ive hurt so much through all of this. I never thought we would end up like this, and I didn't give up on us easily. He never has anything nice to say to me. In fact I said to him a couple of weeks ago if he didn't have anything nice to say not to say anything at all. So now after I asked him about the picture he barely talks to me at all, other than to get half the money for the household bills.We are hardly ever in the same room in the house at the same time, and he has been sleeping in another room. I feel like we have pretty much spiraled to rock bottom.

 

Seriously you need to pack your bags and leave. You will not only be removing yourself from a completely negative situation but you will also realise with a bit of time and space that you can move on and be happy without your husband. Take your stuff and go. Move in with a friend or family member until you can sort everything else out and get yourself some peace, time and space from this man.

 

Right now he is not giving you anything at all. You deserve better. Realise that and leave. You are not happy right now and haven't been for years. What have you got to lose by leaving? Nothing! In fact you might well be much happier.

 

I know it's hard after such a long relationship but you will be better off. You are clearly distressed and upset by his behaviour so don't stick around and allow that to continue. Get out!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

so I have to ask - why are writing about this to us? Are you wanting help or advice or are you just wanting to vent and for us to cheer the heros and boo the villans?

 

 

What are you wanting to accomplish?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

He sounds emotionally abusive. If his behaviour has been like this throughout your marriage then this means he's an abuser.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Melanie, after your latest update, I'm less optimistic. He sounds like a cruel, cold bully who is thoroughly nasty and disrespectful to the woman who gave him her whole life. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and is making you very upset. At the very least this looks like an emotional affair - but very likely there is a physical side too. Be wise, quietly do some investigating while playing it coo!. If you get concrete evidence, take him to the c!eaaners in the divorce.

 

Even if it turns out he is not having an affair, he is making you miserable and has emotionally checked out long ago. He is not the same person any more and you've tried so hard to get him back. You deserve so much better than this. I think you would be happier without him. I know it must be so daunting, but don't just stay for convenience - the world has so much to offer you.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting to us please Melanie.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Melanie,

I am sorry you are going through this. I do believe your husband is having a relationship with this woman. Even if it's not physical and it probably is, them spending so much time together says it is at the very least an emotional affair.

 

People have suggested you pack up and leave. I definitely feel you need to do something, but after such a long marriage, I suggest you proceed with caution but definitely proceed. Often a lawyer will suggest you don't leave the marital home as you may give up some right to it. My suggestion is to find a lawyer first. For many the first consult is free. You need legal advice on how to proceed. Do not let him know what you are doing. He is being a jerk. Talk to a lawyer and make a plan. Do what your lawyer tells you and you file for divorce. Why wait to see what his next move is? This marriage is over, but you can be in control over how it ends. Good luck to you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks to you all. And yes, I'm doing both, venting and looking for support and advice. It's very hard. I am 60 years old and think of my future everyday. We have talked about splitting, but he knows how much I have put into my home and I want to keep it, however he has stated he's not leaving unless he gets a certain amount from me buying him out. When I nentioned the amount was way more than it's worth and half, he told me I could be made to pay him alimony because I am working and make way more than he ever did. I didn't discuss that any further with him. And yes... It's time for legal counseling.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...