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Why do married folks need to feel like


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They still got it?

 

Why isn't the validation they receive from their spouse enough? Afterall, their spouse IS someone if the opposite sex.

 

I am genuinely curious....

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Because their spouse does NOT validate them in the ways they need.

 

 

Marriage guarantees nothing - it takes two people committing to love and support each other in all ways, and often one of them doesn't hold up their end of the deal.

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TrustedthenBusted

I don't think this is limited to married people. I think EVERYONE wants to know, at some point, if they are still attractive to the opposite sex. Totally normal, and nothing wrong with it.

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I don't think this is limited to married people. I think EVERYONE wants to know, at some point, if they are still attractive to the opposite sex. Totally normal, and nothing wrong with it.

 

I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive.

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TrustedthenBusted
Because their spouse does NOT validate them in the ways they need.

 

 

Marriage guarantees nothing - it takes two people committing to love and support each other in all ways, and often one of them doesn't hold up their end of the deal.

 

They still got it?

 

Why isn't the validation they receive from their spouse enough? Afterall, their spouse IS someone if the opposite sex.

 

I am genuinely curious....

 

I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive.

 

I still fall back on my statement, as my spouse doesn't speak for all women everywhere.

 

People want to feel attractive to the opposite sex....not just one particular representative.

 

Besides, it doesn't feel the same coming from a spouse. I tell my wife all the time that she's beautiful, or those jeans fit perfect, or her hair looks great or whatever. It's usually met with a " Meh...I'm fat...I'm ugly...wahhh"

 

So over time, I probably compliment her less and less often.

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I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive.

 

Perhaps they stopped confirming it. We often read about 'marital ruts' on here, where married partners neglect each other as they get lost in the grind of daily life.

 

Being made to feel attractive by a new, sexy, exciting person during a rut, can be quite intoxicating.

 

I think for men in particular, there is a natural tendency to seek adventure in life too.

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I still fall back on my statement, as my spouse doesn't speak for all women everywhere.

 

People want to feel attractive to the opposite sex....not just one particular representative.

 

Besides, it doesn't feel the same coming from a spouse. I tell my wife all the time that she's beautiful, or those jeans fit perfect, or her hair looks great or whatever. It's usually met with a " Meh...I'm fat...I'm ugly...wahhh"

 

So over time, I probably compliment her less and less often.

 

I'm probably the only one who is angered by this attitude.

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Marriage is not a "happily ever after" scenario, it takes work to remain close. The love and attractiveness can at times ebb and flow and should the ebb be ignored and not addressed by both partners, it can turn into indifference and complacency. Marriage is not immune to the many sides of human nature, regardless of what they portray in fairy tale movies.

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Because it seems greedy and entitled to me.

 

You didn't specify whether this hypothetical married person was actively seeking this validation or just gracefully accepting it when it occurs...

 

Mr. Lucky

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First of all, I'll say that I've never sought or appreciated attention from people of the opposite sex when I wasn't looking for a relationship. I'm an INTJ and my self-esteem derives almost entirely from my opinion of myself. I know objectively I'm attractive. Even if I weren't, I'd know that wasn't the end of the world.

 

As my foil, my husband has always appreciated attention from women. He's an ENFP. He's a people-person. He's flirtatious by nature. I don't think it's reasonable of me to expect him to live like an ascetic monk who eschews all female attention. That said, now that the dope has cheated on me, I do expect him to gain some self-awareness in this area. He says that now he imagines me standing next to him for every interaction he has. He feels panicky when an interaction might be interpreted as flirting. Now that I know that he can cross that line, he'd better move that line into a more puritanical position. But I can't and don't expect him to change his personality; it's part of what attracts me to him.

 

I understand that people are different. Most people struggle with self-esteem more than I do. I can only manage going through this nightmare of infidelity if I wasn't solidly grounded in my view of myself. I also understand that in a society where men and women interact openly, the line between friendly interaction and all-out flirting can be blurred. What matters is the intent and the result.

 

If you need to go around dangling sex and soliciting compliments just to fuel your self-esteem, then that's an issue whether you're married or not.

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Why do married folks need to feel likeThey still got it?

 

Their id is unchanged and still has the same self-focus as at every other time of life. The rest is negotiation.

 

Why isn't the validation they receive from their spouse enough? Afterall, their spouse IS someone if the opposite sex.
The id is insufficiently satiated and their ego hasn't successfully negotiated with the perceived boundaries the superego imposes due to cognitive understanding of marital vows and contracts.

 

I am genuinely curious....

 

Translation: 'I'm married but I'm not dead'

 

Depending on the results of the negotiations, observed behavior can range anywhere from 'I have no eyes for any other' to 'carnal knowledge of all I desire'

 

It depends on the individual.

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They still got it?

 

Why isn't the validation they receive from their spouse enough? Afterall, their spouse IS someone if the opposite sex.

 

I am genuinely curious....

 

I did not have an affair because I was wondering if I still had it.

 

I had an affair because my wife was no longer interested in sex, and I just wanted to get some.

 

I should have asked for an open relationship if she continued to refuse counseling regarding the issue.

 

Instead I stupidly gave into an affair, after refusing to engage in one for years.

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Mrs. John Adams

I think we all need to know we are appreciated. We want good reviews ...raises and bonuses at work .

 

We like to be complimented.

 

We like recognition.

 

It is all validation... And we like to know we matter regardless of our age or relationship.

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Falling in love, getting engaged, and then getting married is an Adventure!

Then we come home from the honeymoon and stop having adventures. We need adventure to grow, but we also married to acquire stability and if you want a marriage to survive you have to resolve these conflicting needs for both of you.

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They still got it?

 

Why isn't the validation they receive from their spouse enough? Afterall, their spouse IS someone if the opposite sex.

 

I am genuinely curious....

 

By "They still got it" do you mean validation from the opposite sex other than their spouse that they are attractive, charming, interesting, etc? Or, do you mean someone that still takes care of themselves? Many married couples continue to take care of their looks, dress, and personality and it has little or nothing to do with attracting others, but they do it for themselves and for their spouse.

 

 

Personally, I do not want or care for any validations from anyone but my spouse. I am ISTJ, perhaps that has something to do with it.

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Because it seems greedy and entitled to me.

 

 

It is normal to want to feel attractive to the world at large. A spouse is sort of like family and so they don't see us the same way the general public does. Of course people are happy that there spouse finds them attractive but the spouse's opinion is tinted by their feelings. Just like most parents think their own kids are the cutest kids ever.

 

 

I'm curious why you think married people are only deserving of compliments from their spouse. Why limit it to married people. If your reasoning is that people should only want validation from one other person then wouldn't that also extend to people with gfs and bfs?

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Because it seems greedy and entitled to me.

 

What's wrong with being a little greedy. Just because you can get delicious food and home, doesn't mean you can't enjoy it at the restaurant also.

 

The bottom line is we are human. There is nothing wrong with hearing a compliment. Even the most skilled people in the world who get complimented all the time like to hear compliments.

 

And some spouses get off on hearing their partner being complimented. It's like, "wow, every man thinks she is so hot, but she only wants me."

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What's wrong with being a little greedy. Just because you can get delicious food and home, doesn't mean you can't enjoy it at the restaurant also.

 

I have no doubt that you're married....:rolleyes:

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By "They still got it" do you mean validation from the opposite sex other than their spouse that they are attractive, charming, interesting, etc? Or, do you mean someone that still takes care of themselves? Many married couples continue to take care of their looks, dress, and personality and it has little or nothing to do with attracting others, but they do it for themselves and for their spouse.

 

 

Personally, I do not want or care for any validations from anyone but my spouse. I am ISTJ, perhaps that has something to do with it.

 

That's good. You're the only married person thus far in this thread who has said this. Your wife didn't even say it. SMH.

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RecentChange

Like someone else said, married, not dead.

 

Ok - you're gonna hate me. But after a decade or more, with the same person - it becomes a bit like your mother saying you are pretty. Well yeah, I know YOU think I am pretty, but do other people really think the same? It no longer becomes an impartial opinion.

 

I can look like crap, and my partner will still say I look nice. But if I gussy up, suddenly its apparent that other men think I look nice as well.

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TrustedthenBusted
I'm probably the only one who is angered by this attitude.

 

 

Can you be more specific? Whose attitude? Mine? My wife's?

 

 

She likes compliments. So when I say she looks great, she says she looks horrible, so I will say " No, honey, really...you look amazing!"

 

I just sometimes get tired of it and wish she'd just say thank you the first time. We've talked about it, and more and more lately, she does.

 

That said, I probably say it less often than I used to.

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I have no doubt that you're married....:rolleyes:

 

Married but not happily. And even during the happier days of my marriage, still liked to be known as having that. Husband is a big part of my life, but not the only person in my life. And just like before I was married, I liked getting compliments for men whether or not I was interested in them, it is the same now.

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Mrs. John Adams
That's good. You're the only married person thus far in this thread who has said this. Your wife didn't even say it. SMH.

 

The only time mr adams has ever been insecure was after my affair. He has always felt that no one is better than he is. It came from his mother.

 

I heard her say many times... I am not better than anyone else but no one else is better than me. Mr Adams says the same thing. He does not argue.. Because he is right. He doesn't care whether you agree with him or not.

 

I destroyed his security...

But he has it back... Js

 

I on the other hand have always been insecure and was raised by extremely critical insecure parents. So I have never felt good enough. If you agree with me it gives me validation.

 

So.. I am a person who does require compliments and to be assured that I am doing a good job.

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