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Relationship w EX - ANGER from DH


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I need to know if I am doing something wrong here.

 

My ex and I were married for a decade. We had a business together. We had a nasty split, but for the sake of our daughter, we get along pretty well now.

 

Because of our old business, we have similar interests. He will often text me updates on old colleagues in addition to what's going on when he has our daughter.

 

My new husband has hated my ex since it began. They had a horrible start and now won't speak to each other. My ex thinks my new husband is insane and vice versa.

 

Anyway, I keep them away from each other and we do our best to keep peace.

 

Recently, my new H got really mad at me because my ex had called me to tell me about a new project he had just picked up. We were in the car together so he heard me talking about it with him.

 

When I got off the phone he said I had to chose him or the ex - and there was no in between and that he was "finished" with me if this behavior kept up. He then said that "no man would put up with the sh*t I'm offering". Then he started telling me that all his friends and family think that my relationship with him is weird....I said how would they know? Turns out he's been telling them stuff about me???

 

My ex and I broke up because we were merely business partners. But for the sake of our daughter, I felt it was important to be cordial and nice.

In fact, I have even suggested him for work -- so he could maintain his business.

 

Am I wrong here? The drama with my new husband is non stop anytime this comes up.

 

Edit:I should also mention that my new husband constantly tells me he talked to xyz and they said that (something that I am wrong about) and then I later learn he never talked to any of these people. For example, he told me that he called our accountant because I was SO wrong about xyz in my business. When I later ask him something -- he will forget he told me talked to the accountant -- and say I haven't talked to him since last month. So he is constantly lying to me about these things....

Edited by r2d2
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Pick your battles & pay attention to your timing. Since you know your DH hates your EX you were wrong to have a long news-y conversation with your EX while in the car with your DH. I'm sure you did it thinking you have nothing to hide & you don't but you did kind of shove your civility in your DH's face. You have to civil to the EX because you have to co-parent & DH has to understand about that. But you can keep the other friendly conversations to more of a minimum, especially when being on the phone with the EX is keeping you from spending quality time with DH

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I appreciate your advice. That is understandable. The problem I run into is if my ex calls, my husband forces me to pick up the phone because he WANTS to hear the conversation. If I say, listen...I have got to run -- he will accuse me of doing that because we have a "secret agenda" It's tough.....

 

Can I ask a separate question -- not sure if I need to start a new thread.

 

My husband and I have had some blow outs and the other night I think the neighbors called the cops because the screaming was that loud. It's gotten THAT bad. My husband blames me...and it's not pretty.

 

Anyway, I tell you the level of problem -- to help you understand his possible reasoning behind my next issue.

 

He has security cameras in the house. I have asked him to turn them off in the living room and kitchen. They monitor ALL DAY long. Well, he won't turn them off and our argument the other night was over that -- I said they MUST go off. I was sick of being monitored. He will tell me that he goes back and checks the video to see what I said or my faces etc. He also uses it to monitor what I'm doing in the house when he's not there.

 

I feel this is a complete violation -- but maybe I am just too sensitive to his bullying?

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No your husband is out of control. Personally either the cameras would go or I would.

 

 

The minute the cops have to be involved, your relationship is over anyway.

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Yes, I suppose so.

 

And it doesn't help that he called his MOTHER and told her the cops were at our house and I was outside talking to them. (They called me out there)

 

THEN when I came in, he told me he told the cops the reason we were arguing was over his "distrust" of me... (God only knows what he said) and he also told them i has SIX glasses of wine. I only had 2.5! One with dinner at a restaurant and I was drinking one big one when it all happened.

 

He was completely trying to discredit me... and I couldn't believe he said that.

 

Now his parents know the cops came to our house -- I'm sure he told them I was the problem.... How do I look at them again?

 

And no -- he won't take the cameras down. He said he would several times to end a fight, and he hasn't.

 

He lies. And our fights are constant. The other day during an argument he said get off your "FLAT ASS" (yes it's not perfect, but I'm thin). I was so horrified that he was now making fun of my body. He is extremely fit and always suggests I need to do more butt work, but to make fun of me in a fight?

 

When I brought it up the day after - he said that I am a game player and I always have to look for the negative.....and "flat ass" is just something "people say..."

 

So now he will be all complimentary when I get out of bed "look at that perfect ass..."

 

I want to gag because nothing can make me feel better after hearing that...

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Who cares what his parents think?

 

 

You have to ask yourself the age old Ann Landers Q: Are you better off with him or without him? Then you need to act on that choice.

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It sounds like you have a still have vocational interests that provide a good means of connection with your ex, in addition to the co-parenting need.

 

This could be pretty threatening to your new H especially if you do not have a similar or comparative connection with him. At the same time - you need to asses if your husband (or even you) are using this connection as a conduit for emotional support? If your ex is now behaving like your best friend there's the real chance of leaving your new H feeling side lined.

 

If your new H isn't simply controlling or bringing his own junk to the party - you'll want to stay conscious of the fact that along with a child - you share a lot in common with your ex that could produce some real fear or sense of lacking in the new H.

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r2d2

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through these issues. You've already been through one divorce (which sounds like it was a nasty one?) and now you are having to put up with this cr**. I am just being honest - to me he seems very controlling and there does appear to be an element of bullying it in. The lies he tells seem very delusional, irrational and quite worrying, like he appears to be losing his mind a little bit and becoming paranoid. I couldn't live in those conditions, especially being monitored every second by cameras.

 

Aside from these issues, do you love your H? Do you have fun together most of the time? Are you well connected? Is your second marriage better than your first? Is this stuff just an occasional thing that flares up once in a blue moon, or it there all the time and hence dominates your life? Sorry for so many Qs!

 

I know it would be awful to contemplate another break-up, but this seriously has to be addressed. Does he accept that some of HIS behaviour is inappropriate? Is it easy to raise it with him and talk in an adult manner, or does he always get angry/clam up, etc? Perhaps you should consider counselling?

 

Good luck r2d2 and keep us informed.

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Mutual love, trust, respect and acceptance.

 

Those are the things I feel I need to have a successful relationship. So many of those are broken in your marriage.

 

The distrust and disrespect (from both of you) is choking the life out of your marriage.

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Thank you.

 

No he is not rational when I bring these things up. He is very aggressive and hurts me deeply with his words.

 

Up until a few months ago we were good about 75 percent of the time. The problem is -- he says I don't "look happy". If I am not smiling and acting like a cheerleader 24 hours a day -- he gets upset. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

 

If I'm focused too much on my work frustrations -- or even struggling with work, he starts saying all I do is work. He says that it's very uncomfortable for him to see me always staring at my computer or on the phone with other people. (I work from home so I HAVE to do that). I worked about 3 hours yesterday. I have a FULL time job...so when I came home from dinner -- I started working again. He was not happy. He said "all I do is work". I said I am supposed to work 8 hours a day....TODAY -- I went to lunch with you...walked around with you...and drove around town with you. I have to finish my work.

 

I think my first marriage was more of a friendship. This is more of him controlling me... and wanting to keep me in my place.

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Mutual love, trust, respect and acceptance.

 

Those are the things I feel I need to have a successful relationship. So many of those are broken in your marriage.

 

The distrust and disrespect (from both of you) is choking the life out of your marriage.

 

Unless I missed something, I don't see that the OP is doing much wrong? For her daughter's and her business's sake, she has to maintain contact with her exH, but she is very transparent about this. I think her husband is very controlling and irrational.

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Thank you.

 

No he is not rational when I bring these things up. He is very aggressive and hurts me deeply with his words.

 

Up until a few months ago we were good about 75 percent of the time. The problem is -- he says I don't "look happy". If I am not smiling and acting like a cheerleader 24 hours a day -- he gets upset. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

 

If I'm focused too much on my work frustrations -- or even struggling with work, he starts saying all I do is work. He says that it's very uncomfortable for him to see me always staring at my computer or on the phone with other people. (I work from home so I HAVE to do that). I worked about 3 hours yesterday. I have a FULL time job...so when I came home from dinner -- I started working again. He was not happy. He said "all I do is work". I said I am supposed to work 8 hours a day....TODAY -- I went to lunch with you...walked around with you...and drove around town with you. I have to finish my work.

 

I think my first marriage was more of a friendship. This is more of him controlling me... and wanting to keep me in my place.

 

r2, how long have you known your new H? How long have you been married?

I can only go on what you have posted, but he seems to be quite unreasonable and controlling.

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Unless I missed something, I don't see that the OP is doing much wrong? For her daughter's and her business's sake, she has to maintain contact with her exH, but she is very transparent about this. I think her husband is very controlling and irrational.

 

From what I understand, the business chit chat is just because they have similar interests. It's not necessary or critical to her job. It's casual conversation.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but her husband is obviously threatened by it. Seems that it would be reasonable to minimize the casual conversation for the sake of her marriage.

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From what I understand, the business chit chat is just because they have similar interests. It's not necessary or critical to her job. It's casual conversation.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but her husband is obviously threatened by it. Seems that it would be reasonable to minimize the casual conversation for the sake of her marriage.

 

That was my initial reaction. Then the OP posted about her husband having cameras all over the house to keep her on constant surveillance 24/7, screaming abusive things at her, having the cops called and him being overly nasty about seemingly everything.

 

Even if OP never had another conversation again with her EX, her husband would still find stuff to complain about in an angry hurtful manner.

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This is true, he would find something to complain about. He always does.

 

I am just tired. The other problem I have is he even monitors who I'm talking to and why I have to meet certain bosses of mine.

 

I will say I have to meet "Joe" on Thursday. He will say but you just met with "joe on Tuesday". I'll say ...so he is my boss. He then finds a way to make me feel bad about it... and he will check to see on Facebook if "Joe" is in town or traveling for work ...to try to catch me in a lie. Why would I lie about this??

 

He will say NO!!!!! JOE is in AZ for a convention. I just saw the photo on FB --who are you REALLY meeting there. I will answer -- NO JOE returned from AZ and I HAVE a meeting with him.

 

This stuff happens daily!

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This is true, he would find something to complain about. He always does.

 

I am just tired. The other problem I have is he even monitors who I'm talking to and why I have to meet certain bosses of mine.

 

I will say I have to meet "Joe" on Thursday. He will say but you just met with "joe on Tuesday". I'll say ...so he is my boss. He then finds a way to make me feel bad about it... and he will check to see on Facebook if "Joe" is in town or traveling for work ...to try to catch me in a lie. Why would I lie about this??

 

He will say NO!!!!! JOE is in AZ for a convention. I just saw the photo on FB --who are you REALLY meeting there. I will answer -- NO JOE returned from AZ and I HAVE a meeting with him.

 

This stuff happens daily!

 

Oh r2, I'm sorry to hear this. If he continues like this, he will drive you away. No one can live under these conditions. You have to find some way of getting him to change his ways. Could I ask again how long you have known him and how long you have been married?

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Oh Boy.....sounds like r2 has a mountain to climb here....

 

I see this as you both have a problem.....

 

Since you identified the ex as the first issue I'll take that one first. I personally see any interaction between you and the ex other than what relates to your shared child as being a fringe benefit as long as your DH is okay with this. Obviously , he is not therefore, all communication should be limited to the subject matter of your child via text. (This assuming you wish to honor your current Marriage).

 

This relationship with your ex is troublesome to your current H and should become obsolete IF you want to honor the man you're currently married to.

 

Secondly for him.....Yes, he is off course with the accusations and the cameras...if he can't trust you, he should leave....I will say that it sounds like whatever insecurity he had before is being exploited with the relationship you're having with your ex. That is not an excuse but.....if you were truly committed to making the marriage work, scaling back a relationship with your ex should be a small price to pay IF indeed it's limited to what you're saying it is.

 

My personal opinion, you two need MC. This is likely the only way to save a marriage headed in the wrong direction.

 

When we marry, we agree to make sacrifices....not all of them are comfortable and easy but that is the committment level needed to make a M work and last.

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I would say, fill the sink with water and throw those cameras in it and leave them for your husband to find, along with divorce papers.

 

But this man is abusive and I fear what would happen to you if you did that. Either way, you need to get out! Think of your daughter, is this how you want her raised?

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Thank you.

 

No he is not rational when I bring these things up. He is very aggressive and hurts me deeply with his words.

 

Up until a few months ago we were good about 75 percent of the time. The problem is -- he says I don't "look happy". If I am not smiling and acting like a cheerleader 24 hours a day -- he gets upset. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

 

If I'm focused too much on my work frustrations -- or even struggling with work, he starts saying all I do is work. He says that it's very uncomfortable for him to see me always staring at my computer or on the phone with other people. (I work from home so I HAVE to do that). I worked about 3 hours yesterday. I have a FULL time job...so when I came home from dinner -- I started working again. He was not happy. He said "all I do is work". I said I am supposed to work 8 hours a day....TODAY -- I went to lunch with you...walked around with you...and drove around town with you. I have to finish my work.

 

I think my first marriage was more of a friendship. This is more of him controlling me... and wanting to keep me in my place.

 

Time to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

All of the answers to this thread are in that book, I promise.

 

Please please please get a copy of that book and read it.

 

Your new MAY HAVE some valid complaints, bit his behaviour is completely inappropriate.

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I appreciate your advice. That is understandable. The problem I run into is if my ex calls, my husband forces me to pick up the phone because he WANTS to hear the conversation. If I say, listen...I have got to run -- he will accuse me of doing that because we have a "secret agenda" It's tough.....

 

Can I ask a separate question -- not sure if I need to start a new thread.

 

My husband and I have had some blow outs and the other night I think the neighbors called the cops because the screaming was that loud. It's gotten THAT bad. My husband blames me...and it's not pretty.

 

Anyway, I tell you the level of problem -- to help you understand his possible reasoning behind my next issue.

 

He has security cameras in the house. I have asked him to turn them off in the living room and kitchen. They monitor ALL DAY long. Well, he won't turn them off and our argument the other night was over that -- I said they MUST go off. I was sick of being monitored. He will tell me that he goes back and checks the video to see what I said or my faces etc. He also uses it to monitor what I'm doing in the house when he's not there.

 

I feel this is a complete violation -- but maybe I am just too sensitive to his bullying?

 

Wow can't believe your living in the same house as this guy, too creepy for me! Monitors good grief! Run for the hills........talking to your ex is the least of your problems.

 

Did you show the cops the monitors when they turned up?

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Yes, I suppose so.

 

And it doesn't help that he called his MOTHER and told her the cops were at our house and I was outside talking to them. (They called me out there)

 

THEN when I came in, he told me he told the cops the reason we were arguing was over his "distrust" of me... (God only knows what he said) and he also told them i has SIX glasses of wine. I only had 2.5! One with dinner at a restaurant and I was drinking one big one when it all happened.

 

He was completely trying to discredit me... and I couldn't believe he said that.

 

Now his parents know the cops came to our house -- I'm sure he told them I was the problem.... How do I look at them again?

 

And no -- he won't take the cameras down. He said he would several times to end a fight, and he hasn't.

 

He lies. And our fights are constant. The other day during an argument he said get off your "FLAT ASS" (yes it's not perfect, but I'm thin). I was so horrified that he was now making fun of my body. He is extremely fit and always suggests I need to do more butt work, but to make fun of me in a fight?

 

When I brought it up the day after - he said that I am a game player and I always have to look for the negative.....and "flat ass" is just something "people say..."

 

So now he will be all complimentary when I get out of bed "look at that perfect ass..."

 

I want to gag because nothing can make me feel better after hearing that...

 

Wow your living with an abuser. This is domestic violence. Leave him.

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This is true, he would find something to complain about. He always does.

 

I am just tired. The other problem I have is he even monitors who I'm talking to and why I have to meet certain bosses of mine.

 

I will say I have to meet "Joe" on Thursday. He will say but you just met with "joe on Tuesday". I'll say ...so he is my boss. He then finds a way to make me feel bad about it... and he will check to see on Facebook if "Joe" is in town or traveling for work ...to try to catch me in a lie. Why would I lie about this??

 

He will say NO!!!!! JOE is in AZ for a convention. I just saw the photo on FB --who are you REALLY meeting there. I will answer -- NO JOE returned from AZ and I HAVE a meeting with him.

 

This stuff happens daily!

 

Omg he's doing this to control you. Classic abuser behaviour. You seem to be oblivious to the emotional abuse he is perpetrating.

 

You need to get help from a counsellor at a domestic violence support center. He is dangerous.

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Oh Boy.....sounds like r2 has a mountain to climb here....

 

I see this as you both have a problem.....

 

Since you identified the ex as the first issue I'll take that one first. I personally see any interaction between you and the ex other than what relates to your shared child as being a fringe benefit as long as your DH is okay with this. Obviously , he is not therefore, all communication should be limited to the subject matter of your child via text. (This assuming you wish to honor your current Marriage).

 

This relationship with your ex is troublesome to your current H and should become obsolete IF you want to honor the man you're currently married to.

 

Secondly for him.....Yes, he is off course with the accusations and the cameras...if he can't trust you, he should leave....I will say that it sounds like whatever insecurity he had before is being exploited with the relationship you're having with your ex. That is not an excuse but.....if you were truly committed to making the marriage work, scaling back a relationship with your ex should be a small price to pay IF indeed it's limited to what you're saying it is.

 

My personal opinion, you two need MC. This is likely the only way to save a marriage headed in the wrong direction.

 

When we marry, we agree to make sacrifices....not all of them are comfortable and easy but that is the committment level needed to make a M work and last.

 

No they don't need MC. She needs to leave for her own safety, she is being exposed to severe emotional abuse. She needs to get help from a domestic violence support center.

 

He is an abuser.

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I would say, fill the sink with water and throw those cameras in it and leave them for your husband to find, along with divorce papers.

 

But this man is abusive and I fear what would happen to you if you did that. Either way, you need to get out! Think of your daughter, is this how you want her raised?

 

I agree. Her life is at great risk. Men like this kill their wives.

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Time to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

All of the answers to this thread are in that book, I promise.

 

Please please please get a copy of that book and read it.

 

Your new MAY HAVE some valid complaints, bit his behaviour is completely inappropriate.

 

Also read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

 

Your husband is a textbook abuser.

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