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I hate how old wounds can be triggered over nothing


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All the bad guys are gone years now. NC enforced.

 

An old boyfriend, from high school/college, happily married, no issues,nice enough guy lives far far away.. for some reason in the last year or two has been posting more on my wife's FB page. There are no worries on her having an affair or anything....just for some reason he now occasionally jumps on her posts.

 

Today they had a back and forth and joking about parenting - and some old remembrances of their conversations decades ago. Lots of LOL's and smiley faces. This is out in the open - nothing disrespectful. but I deleted my comments on her post it felt like a 3 way.

 

I am f'ing mad at her again. Like she is talking to her old MM, or someone she was involved with right before we married. But she is not - this is cool - no justifications with this old high school boyfriend. He never did anything wrong to me or her. He has been complimentary of me and her marriage as far as I have seen.

 

Been 10 years now...and you never ever heal completely. I can't tell her why I might be mad - because its been 10 years... and this old BF is nothing to anything that happened - and she would just get mad at me.

 

F me.

 

Breath...

Edited by dichotomy
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Mrs. John Adams

Triggers happen because they are embedded in memory.

As time goes by... They lessen in severity... They happen less frequently... And they last a shorter amount of time.

 

We have no control over triggering... But we do have control over our response.

 

When you trigger one of the best ways to combat it is to tell the wayward...I want to know and I want to help. How can I help to promote healing if you shut me out?

 

So the next time tell her and allow her to comfort you ...to talk about it ...to squeeze your hand....

 

Holding it in only causes frustration and resentment... She is responsible for causing it... She should also be responsible for helping you through it

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Been 10 years now...and you never ever heal completely. I can't tell her why I might be mad - because its been 10 years... and this old BF is nothing to anything that happened - and she would just get mad at me.

 

F me.

 

Breath...

 

so what if it's been 10 years. I expect my husband to have triggers forever, if not a very very long time. Its an OPPORTUNITY for the WS to get in there and help. I can't believe she'd be mad? Really?

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We jointly cut ****book out. Not having it around is a lot better. It's just a waste of time anyway.

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Its a long complicated story - her betrayals and lies from long ago. Emotional affairs. secrete lives, and hidden relationships can hurt as much PA's. I did not marry the person I thought I did, or loved.

 

I wish we had the intimacy and connection where I could share that I did not like the kind of exchange that took place on facebook with this "safe" old high school boyfriend. We established boundary and NC lists of certain people long ago - I said this high school boyfriend and one other was ok to retain some connection to. She has honored the NC list request for years and years to avoid all the others (well of course), not even going back to her home town for since then - because she knew it would cause harm to us to be near the NC people.

 

So I need to honor the boundaries set from my side as well. I said this guy was ok way back then. Its just mostly he has been very quiet or restrained in his FB posts or private messages over the years. I just thought the recent exchange was a bit over the top of normal banter sharing remembrances and stories they had from 20 years - and I triggered. But as mentioned it was not disrespectful banter - just a kind of example that they have a history and shared connections which they do - and talking about being parents and the kids we all have.

 

I just hate thinking I was all healed and fully immune. You never heal fully.

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Mrs. John Adams

I think it is worth the risk of making her mad ...to let her know exactly how you are feeling.

 

She will get over it.

 

Is she remorseful? Does she understand your pain and attempt to help you heal?

 

You do "heal"....but you never forget. But I truly think it requires proper remorse.

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afoolto no end

I would gently say that it has triggered you again, that you do trust her but that is how affairs start with that exact banter ........emotional connection.

 

If she truly cares for you. It shouldn't be an issue...

She changed the rules .......

I agree Facebook and social media make it so easy........maybe gently trying to change her use of that ......no phones or comps on when you are spending quality time........

 

we have that rule now to try to eliminate some of the triggers with the phone.

complete transparency as well.....

 

Just keep moving forward, I don't think the consequences of an affair to the bs ever goes away because we now know it is a possibility......it happened......

but we can't let it control our futures and hold us back.......or let that time control what we chose and how we live our life........

Hang in there........

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understand50

Been 10 years now...and you never ever heal completely. I can't tell her why I might be mad - because its been 10 years... and this old BF is nothing to anything that happened - and she would just get mad at me.

 

F me.

 

Breath...

 

Dichotomy,

 

So.... Talk to her. let her know this is a unreasonable trigger, and she has done nothing wrong,and you do not want her to do anything, but lesion. What I think is so hard for you , is after all these years, you both still cannot really talk about the affair and your triggers, with out you having fear, and her getting mad. You need to overcome that. You will trigger, but it really helps if you can talk to the one you love about it.

 

If it was me, and believe me I have done just this, I would start the conversation this way. "I am not really feeling good about the old BF on FB. I know nothing going on, and I feel silly that I have these thoughts, but can we discuss what I am going trough RIGHT now. Not the past, but what I am feeling right now" See if you bring it to NOW, and not the past, if she is more respective to talking trough your trigger.

 

I do think that to have a good reconciliation and marriage in general, that once things are truly dealt with they should stay in the past, unless new information comes to light, or new behaviors along the same line start up. This is new, your trigger, as you have stated, is just you and nothing she is doing, but you would like to talk it out. Keep it in the here and now, and approach it from that direction. You are in pain, I am sure she would like to help. She just does not want to get beat up again, for her past.

 

In the end, both of you are going to have to find a way to talk about her past in a non-emotional way. I think when you get to that point, you will trigger less and not as hard.

 

My two cents, and I wish you and yours luck........

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bubbaganoosh
All the bad guys are gone years now. NC enforced.

 

An old boyfriend, from high school/college, happily married, no issues,nice enough guy lives far far away.. for some reason in the last year or two has been posting more on my wife's FB page. There are no worries on her having an affair or anything....just for some reason he now occasionally jumps on her posts.

 

Today they had a back and forth and joking about parenting - and some old remembrances of their conversations decades ago. Lots of LOL's and smiley faces. This is out in the open - nothing disrespectful. but I deleted my comments on her post it felt like a 3 way.

 

I am f'ing mad at her again. Like she is talking to her old MM, or someone she was involved with right before we married. But she is not - this is cool - no justifications with this old high school boyfriend. He never did anything wrong to me or her. He has been complimentary of me and her marriage as far as I have seen.

 

Been 10 years now...and you never ever heal completely. I can't tell her why I might be mad - because its been 10 years... and this old BF is nothing to anything that happened - and she would just get mad at me.

 

F me.

 

Breath...

 

And that's why I'm a believer of the "One and out" rule. Cheat on me and your gone. I cheat on you and I deserve the same thing. Be damned if I'm going to have reoccurring nightmares after ten years and knowing full well I might have the same nightmare twenty years later too. I refuse to live my life looking over my shoulder wondering when or if the other shoe will fall. Just isn't worth it.

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Mrs. John Adams
And that's why I'm a believer of the "One and out" rule. Cheat on me and your gone. I cheat on you and I deserve the same thing. Be damned if I'm going to have reoccurring nightmares after ten years and knowing full well I might have the same nightmare twenty years later too. I refuse to live my life looking over my shoulder wondering when or if the other shoe will fall. Just isn't worth it.

 

Do you believe that just because you divorce... The triggers stop? Do you think divorce erases the mind games and the scars?

 

I think divorced or reconciled... Triggers still occur. Triggers are not alway brought on by the wayward being on premise.

 

My husband has triggered for over 30 years every time he passes a particular road or sees a particular car. I trigger at the thought of chocolate chip ice cream.

 

If divorcing removes those kinds of triggers then it may be the right answer but sadly I am not sure it does.

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And that's why I'm a believer of the "One and out" rule. Cheat on me and your gone. I cheat on you and I deserve the same thing. Be damned if I'm going to have reoccurring nightmares after ten years and knowing full well I might have the same nightmare twenty years later too. I refuse to live my life looking over my shoulder wondering when or if the other shoe will fall. Just isn't worth it.

 

 

I understand the decision to divorce by many. No judgements. Each person has to make their choice, based on whats best - or least worse for them.

 

I paid a high price (the first half of my marriage) to get what I wanted by staying. If I left I would have suffered more - lost more. You will just have to trust me on this. I don't regret staying, not that I am always happy about it - like yesterday.

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Ten year old agreement or not, if it's upsetting to you, she should be perfectly happy to knock it off. If she isn't, that tells you something.

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This thread is a great example of why a man should divorce his wife when she cheats on him. Staying is often simply agreeing to a life sentence of frequent - or at least occasional - triggers that are pure torture. If you would have divorced her after d-day you wouldn't have to look at her or hear her voice or care about her FB and who she's flirting with. The risk of living this kind of life after "reconciliation" is too great. A BH after d-day taking the time to do some honest soul-searching and research would result in many more divorces.

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Mr Mind of Shazam

Sorry to hear about it.

 

This is one reason I am against reconciliation as a general principle. After all the hard work, effort, and energy, the best you can hope for (as a practical matter) is something less than what you already had.

 

I think it's just a more efficient use of time and energy if you cut your losses and start fresh with someone else.

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This thread is a great example of why a man should divorce his wife when she cheats on him. Staying is often simply agreeing to a life sentence of frequent - or at least occasional - triggers that are pure torture. If you would have divorced her after d-day you wouldn't have to look at her or hear her voice or care about her FB and who she's flirting with. The risk of living this kind of life after "reconciliation" is too great. A BH after d-day taking the time to do some honest soul-searching and research would result in many more divorces.

 

 

And I would likely have not had children. Its complicated and personal to explain why this is. As I said - you have to trust me when I say this was the right - or least worse - choice for me to stay after this all came out. In hindsight I still believe this. It has been difficult, but less so the last few years.

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TrustedthenBusted
This thread is a great example of why a man should divorce his wife when she cheats on him. Staying is often simply agreeing to a life sentence of frequent - or at least occasional - triggers that are pure torture. If you would have divorced her after d-day you wouldn't have to look at her or hear her voice or care about her FB and who she's flirting with. The risk of living this kind of life after "reconciliation" is too great. A BH after d-day taking the time to do some honest soul-searching and research would result in many more divorces.

 

Friend of mine got divorced and is in a happy new relationship with another woman.

 

Guess what....triggers still happen to him all the time. He fights himself to NOT take them out on his new lady.

 

Divorce isn't a cure-all for everyone.

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ShatteredLady

Divorce isn't like 'The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" & even if it was I don't think I'd choose it! If I divorce I don't rewind my life back to 21. I'm still ME, damaged & hurt me. I've still got all the pain & all the triggers.

 

After all I've been through would I ever be able to trust another man anyway?

 

We have 26 years together. 1 year of hell (about 12 years ago) & another last/this year. That still leaves a lifetime! Together or apart I'm forever changed by those years whatever I do.

 

At least if we reconcile I have a chance of adding enough new chapters to our love story to make those years a lot less significant, maybe barely memorable?

 

We're a FAMILY & that's so important to me it's worth giving it everything that I have.

 

What's worse 'triggers' or forever mourning the death of my family, my love? My memories forever shrouded by the trauma that is divorce? Packing my kids little bags every other weekend & explaining to them that family has a sell-by-date, it can spoil?

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Friend of mine got divorced and is in a happy new relationship with another woman.

 

Guess what....triggers still happen to him all the time. He fights himself to NOT take them out on his new lady.

 

Divorce isn't a cure-all for everyone.

Of course not - there is no cure-all for anything. I just believe a man has less triggers when he doesn't live with WW and less is better.

 

My opinion on divorce applies only to a BH. I don't know what it's like to be a BW so won't presume I can give any valuable advice to her.

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Mrs. John Adams

I think it also depends on how well everything has been addressed. If you are living with the wayward who has not displayed true remorse....I can understand that discussing things that trigger can be hurtful. If the wayward is not willing to help...is not willing to listen.....is not willing to support....I can see where it is a difficult situation.

 

My reaction to John's triggers are very different now than they used to be...and I never told him about my triggers....

 

That has all changed. I think he was very surprised that i too had triggers.

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I think that being her having male friends triggers you it is your place to tell her to get rid of them and facebook.

 

 

Did WW use FB for her affair?

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....triggers still happen to him all the time. He fights himself to NOT take them out on his new lady.

 

Divorce isn't a cure-all for everyone.

To me, this ^^^ would be far worse. He doesn't want to saddle his new wife with issues caused by the previous one, so he's still struggling alone.

 

But promising whatever you promised - at least what it sounds like to me - you just made an unrealistic promise. It's not like you signed a contract not to react to certain triggers. You can't anticipate, much less control, your reactions. It's a mistake imo to try.

 

I think THAT is what you say - and feel. Let yourself off the hook. One thing I was glad to learn from my therapist was the importance of allowing your feelings. You have to recognize and given them their moment. Denying them doesn't make them disappear. Just the opposite.

 

imho you have nothing to apologize for except promising something you couldn't deliver.

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I think it also depends on how well everything has been addressed. If you are living with the wayward who has not displayed true remorse....I can understand that discussing things that trigger can be hurtful. If the wayward is not willing to help...is not willing to listen.....is not willing to support....I can see where it is a difficult situation.

 

My reaction to John's triggers are very different now than they used to be...and I never told him about my triggers....

 

That has all changed. I think he was very surprised that i too had triggers.

 

 

My wife was very late to regret and remorse. On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being collapsing into sobs of remorse....my wife probably ended up at a 5 or 6. This occurred after two rounds of therapy with two female therapists. Part of the issue is that she lives in the present more than anyone I ever met. When something bad happens - like a friend death she cries for a few hours or day and then its done - over with. The only exception was her dad's death.

 

She does very much understand obvious triggers I had in the past, and worked hard to avoid them or say the wrong thing. This is old HS boyfriend is just not worth me bring up. We still have one major issue remaining in our marriage and that's our sex life. That is not part of this thread or post, but I suppose like the old affair creates and undercurrent of stress that elevates triggers as well.

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Mrs. John Adams
My wife was very late to regret and remorse. On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being collapsing into sobs of remorse....my wife probably ended up at a 5 or 6. This occurred after two rounds of therapy with two female therapists. Part of the issue is that she lives in the present more than anyone I ever met. When something bad happens - like a friend death she cries for a few hours or day and then its done - over with. The only exception was her dad's death.

 

She does very much understand obvious triggers I had in the past, and worked hard to avoid them or say the wrong thing. This is old HS boyfriend is just not worth me bring up. We still have one major issue remaining in our marriage and that's our sex life. That is not part of this thread or post, but I suppose like the old affair creates and undercurrent of stress that elevates triggers as well.

 

First...collapsing in the floor sobbing ...is not remorse. It is sadness...it is being sorry...but it is not remorse.....and we do all handle sorrow differently....there is no right or wrong way to do it...it is just the way we are wired.

 

 

Triggers are not necessarily caused by words....but i am glad that she is aware and does attempt to not say things that make you trigger. Sometimes I would say things that I never knew would cause a trigger.....and in those times...i think it was the way john perceived what i was saying rather then the actual words I said. He was unsure of my intent.

 

If she is aware of situations....relationships, like old boyfriends....it is absolutely cause to say something....she may truly be oblivious....and if her reaction is one of anger....you know the issue lies within her and not you.

Enough time has passed that she needs to be aware that her actions and her insensitivity still hurt you.

 

If she understood the pain her affair caused you....she would be asking you how to help....she would be placing your feelings above her own....she would be making sure that you are ok. Triggering....disappointment....anger....is hard to hide. She should KNOW.

 

I can tell by the look on john's face....funny how...years go I did not notice.

 

Don't give up on her...but don't protect her either. She's a big girl....she is well aware what she did. Stop trying to protect her.

 

Harboring resentment toward her for what she does and says only hurts the relationship....so in the long run...it is better to get it off your chest than to keep it inside.

 

My advice is easier said than done....I know...I lived it. But I care and i hate to see you in pain.

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