JourneyLady Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 How many of you have partners that let you know verbally what their internal emotions are? Could you be fully in love with that person if they kept their emotions to themselves? I'm not talking about guys crying with sadness or anything extreme. I mean simple things like a "I don't want you to go." or "I'm just having some doubts about our relationship. and the discussion that could follow." He likes to insist that I am trying to make a guy into a girl by getting him to admit emotions and that "all guys are like that". Now I've had enough different experiences to know that not all guys are like that (I've even met the above extreme once, but there was a reason for his depression.) I have tried even to gain access to his brain in a roundabout way - by looking at his browsing history (with his permission). But it's ALL about banking and looking at cars on ebay and real estate and shopping for stuff. It's all about STUFF, basically. I think he has some narcissistic traits, but I wouldn't go so far as to say he IS one. He does care about those close to him, but I only know by his actions, not because he says he does or because he tells them. Only because he checks on them (they are adults) consistently and more often when something is going on. Without knowing who he is internally and why he feels the way he does about certain things, it's hard for me to get to the final stages of love. So I am always apprehensive about what will happen next when we fight. So I am curious if others would have a hard time completely falling for someone if they were in the dark about the other partner's emotional makeup? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I always discuss feelings with a guy. I'm very far from sentimental but learned to own how I feel and expect him to be emotionally mature enough to do the same. I doesn't need to be explicit but I don't care for the 'men don't do this' brigade. No interest in that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 My husband tells me what he's thinking all the time. I know he's an outlier compared to most men but I really need that in a partner. It helps me know that he respects me as a partner and a friend and doesn't just view me as "a woman" like a lot of men view their wives. I wouldn't be able to bond with a man who didn't talk to me about himself and his state of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 6, 2016 Author Share Posted March 6, 2016 Gemma, did you already know that about your husband when you got married, or were you just lucky? This guy (I am in the process of breaking up with) "appeared" to be like that when I first met him, but over time he has become less and less self-revealing. He did a really good sales job on me, and for several months I thought I'd found perfection. I found I really can't tell very well, though I can identify the point at which I should have seen the light early on. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 It takes up to a couple of years to get to know someone. I don't really buy into the notion that being older speeds up the process necessarily. You still need to see different sides to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I already knew that about him. We talk constantly, he's just the type of person who needs to talk/vent/philosophize with his friends (myself included). Some guys will talk a bit at first because they are high on the infatuation and are trying to put their best foot forward, but it does down once they settle into their normal pattern. For my husband, his normal pattern is lots of conversation. I think it is something you can tell from the beginning but it is another reason it's good to wait a while before you commit to someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 This guy (I am in the process of breaking up with) "appeared" to be like that when I first met him, but over time he has become less and less self-revealing. He did a really good sales job on me, and for several months I thought I'd found perfection. I found I really can't tell very well, though I can identify the point at which I should have seen the light early on. At least to me, that's a different problem than you described initially. Sounds like a bait/switch, like a low-drive partner pretending to be interested in sex and then turning off the tap after commitment. Sounds like he's communicating well, he's telling you he's a rat... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) At least to me, that's a different problem than you described initially. Sounds like a bait/switch, like a low-drive partner pretending to be interested in sex and then turning off the tap after commitment. Sounds like he's communicating well, he's telling you he's a rat... Mr. Lucky Well as far as that, I don't believe he did it on purpose - just that the initial excitement of being together made him more curious, more excited, more infatuated, etc. And after a while of getting comfortable, his curiosity and excitement disappeared and he really was no longer as interested. I should also add that the more I had to fill in the blanks of what he was -feeling-, I start to feel resentful and depression filled in the rest. For example, I was pretty certain we were headed toward marriage and then recently I found out (I had to ask) that the date we had supposedly set was not what he wanted. The excuses given were telling me that he didn't really want to go through with it; that he really didn't love me in a forever kind of a way and had been doubtful for quite some time. None of that was *ever* expressed prior to my digging in and finding out about it. I was wanting to be with him even at his worst, but the reverse was not true; and I guess that wasn't revealed because he didn't want to be alone. Of course from his point of view, the problem is all mine and MY communication... Whereas I see it as he doesn't tell me what he is -feeling- most of the time, and that doesn't mesh well and triggers depression when I find what he is thinking is not what I thought it was (in a negative way). I guess I need to be with a consistent "sharer" and I have met only three in my life. Various reasons they didn't work out - the previous ex because he shared a lot, but was completely unstable - maybe had BPD. Edited March 7, 2016 by JourneyLady Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 I am a far of Dr. Pat Allen's work. She talks a lot about the differences and communication between the sexes. She mentioned that most men are in their thinking, conquering, problem-solving mode most of the time. For them to switch into emotions they needs to switch the sides of their brain by knowing you have something you want to discuss with them. The exception to this is left-handed men, gay men, and men over 45. With the left handed and gay men have a larger connection between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. The older men produce less testosterone and more estrogen and become more feminine. Another one that might be good to google would be the 5 love languages. It seems like his language might be 'acts of service' while yours might be 'verbal affirmations'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 I was wanting to be with him even at his worst Why ??? Doesn't sound like he put much effort into the relationship. His arc is the opposite of what one would expect in a healthy relationship. Once you got past the "newness", one would hope he'd understand your reasonable need for communication and make an effort to accommodate. I'm hoping you feel you deserve more than one word answers... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Why ??? Doesn't sound like he put much effort into the relationship. His arc is the opposite of what one would expect in a healthy relationship. Once you got past the "newness", one would hope he'd understand your reasonable need for communication and make an effort to accommodate. I'm hoping you feel you deserve more than one word answers... Mr. Lucky Idk man. I think communication is reasonable, but expecting someone to be open about their feelings 100% of the time I find is an unreasonable request. It would be to me anyway. OP, loads of guys are better at displaying their feelings by acts, not by words. Sounds like you described him as being one of those guys. If that's not for you, that's perfectly fine move on. But that isn't to say there is anything wrong with him. You just aren't a match is all. Don't try and "fix men" to be what you want. Just find the one that already is what you want. Men aren't broken and need fixing. If that is how you are approaching your relationships, then expect failure after failure. Accept them for who they are or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 I am a far of Dr. Pat Allen's work. She talks a lot about the differences and communication between the sexes. She mentioned that most men are in their thinking, conquering, problem-solving mode most of the time. For them to switch into emotions they needs to switch the sides of their brain by knowing you have something you want to discuss with them. The exception to this is left-handed men, gay men, and men over 45. With the left handed and gay men have a larger connection between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. The older men produce less testosterone and more estrogen and become more feminine. Another one that might be good to google would be the 5 love languages. It seems like his language might be 'acts of service' while yours might be 'verbal affirmations'. I've read the Love Languages book - yes his ways are "acts of service". We are much older than 45 and if he is this way now, I wonder what he was like in his 20s! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 Idk man. I think communication is reasonable, but expecting someone to be open about their feelings 100% of the time I find is an unreasonable request. It would be to me anyway. OP, loads of guys are better at displaying their feelings by acts, not by words. Sounds like you described him as being one of those guys. If that's not for you, that's perfectly fine move on. But that isn't to say there is anything wrong with him. You just aren't a match is all. Don't try and "fix men" to be what you want. Just find the one that already is what you want. Men aren't broken and need fixing. If that is how you are approaching your relationships, then expect failure after failure. Accept them for who they are or move on. FYI, I'm just exploring, not trying to "fix him". Sometimes his lack of communication causes me anxiety, for various reasons I don't want to go into here. I'm learning to deal with it "better" (mostly good days and a few bad ones), but also trying to understand the problems inside and out. I feel the more I understand why a person is the way they are, the more I can get along with them. A book I read recently talks about power over vs personal power. Some people live in the first way of being and some live in the second. Most seesaw back and forth. When frustrated or angry he can get into the first way of being and no amount of explanation or reasoning will help -at that point-. On some issues, things will calm down. Someone who thinks I'm trying to fix him by my wanting to thoroughly understand the dynamics might possibly be in the first way of being, for example.... everything is perceived as one-up-manship, rather than an attempt to find ways to cooperate. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I tend to be attracted to these stoic types too and they to me but yeah it gets old. You need some feeling!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 Why ??? Doesn't sound like he put much effort into the relationship. His arc is the opposite of what one would expect in a healthy relationship. Once you got past the "newness", one would hope he'd understand your reasonable need for communication and make an effort to accommodate. I'm hoping you feel you deserve more than one word answers... Mr. Lucky Thanks. I wouldn't say they are one word - but they are his "thinking" and not his "feeling". I rarely hear him say "I want (whatever it is) or "I feel" thus and such. I guess I don't think any relationship is perfect. Certainly I do tend to desire more "sharing" on his part. On the other hand, 90% of the time, the relationship is good or wonderful and we do a lot of things and have a lot of fun. I've dated almost 10 years since my divorce (ex cheated and is in affairage), and I've not loved anyone quite this much. I have my own shortcomings (anxiety attacks and depression (do not mix with alcohol!). What goes unsaid as far as communication builds up and every so often I have a habit of trying to communicate or get a question answered at the wrong time. It invariably ends up as an argument. I am working on techniques to deal with the anxiety that creates pressure, which then triggers depression... So I am working on myself constantly. I see my growth as a *good* thing, at least. Just trying to figure out if this is for a lifetime, or just a lesson and how things are for those in good marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 I tend to be attracted to these stoic types too and they to me but yeah it gets old. You need some feeling!!! I can't say I knew it would be like that. I have to admit I have some traits that may make it worse and I am trying to work on those... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I am a far of Dr. Pat Allen's work. She talks a lot about the differences and communication between the sexes. She mentioned that most men are in their thinking, conquering, problem-solving mode most of the time. For them to switch into emotions they needs to switch the sides of their brain by knowing you have something you want to discuss with them. The exception to this is left-handed men, gay men, and men over 45. With the left handed and gay men have a larger connection between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. The older men produce less testosterone and more estrogen and become more feminine. Good to know! Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 FYI, I'm just exploring, not trying to "fix him". Sometimes his lack of communication causes me anxiety, for various reasons I don't want to go into here. I'm learning to deal with it "better" (mostly good days and a few bad ones), but also trying to understand the problems inside and out. I feel the more I understand why a person is the way they are, the more I can get along with them. A book I read recently talks about power over vs personal power. Some people live in the first way of being and some live in the second. Most seesaw back and forth. When frustrated or angry he can get into the first way of being and no amount of explanation or reasoning will help -at that point-. On some issues, things will calm down. Someone who thinks I'm trying to fix him by my wanting to thoroughly understand the dynamics might possibly be in the first way of being, for example.... everything is perceived as one-up-manship, rather than an attempt to find ways to cooperate. You might not feel like you are trying to fix or change him, but perhaps he does... "He likes to insist that I am trying to make a guy into a girl by getting him to admit emotions and that "all guys are like that". Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 You might not feel like you are trying to fix or change him, but perhaps he does... "He likes to insist that I am trying to make a guy into a girl by getting him to admit emotions and that "all guys are like that". What, when I told him I feel uncomfortable not knowing what his feelings are? I think it's more that he is trying to change ME into someone who doesn't want/need to know how he feels about the relationship and where it's going! That's a little unfair, I think, when I am investing in his family and homes and spending all my time with him. It certainly gives him all the power in the relationship, now doesn't it? reality one - Power "over" Reality two - cooperative power. Anyway, I think two people who are committed are supposed to change each other - not drastically, but bits and pieces to make things peaceful. That's how you get a square peg into a round hole - shave off the rough edges... I know enough about love (and have loved enough) to know that no two people are completely "perfect" for each other, no matter how it feels at the start. Love is being committed enough to work on all your flaws until your special one is comfortable. It takes work and dedication and I believe anyone who thinks it just happens magically is in for disappointment. You can only have that infatuation stage for a short while... I am thinking he is *looking* for flaws because he would rather have several short infatuations than have a real realationship that takes work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JourneyLady Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 Also I don't think wanting to know more about him and how he feels is trying to "change" him. If you can't relate who you are, it's not a full relationship, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
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