Keeping a secret...

[Dawnmrlg24]

A friends daughters (Jean - a fake name to make things easier to understand) of mine was raped a few months ago and she confided in me the details of what happened. She asked me not to say anything to anyone and just needed to talk to someone about what happened. Jean did do what she needed to do with authorities and what not. So, the other day she posted this long status on Facebook about her life and everything that has happened so far in her life - she felt it best to do so. Well, my husband saw the post and started questioning me about the whole situation. He asked me if I knew and I said yes because I wasn't going to lie. Then he wanted to know more but I didn't feel that it wasn't my place to tell him everything that happened. I told him if he wanted more details to talk to Jean because I didn't feel it was my place to talk about the details of what happened to her. I pretty much gave him a watered down version and told him that she was doing ok - as ok as you can in this situation.

 

Jean told me this in secrecy and didn't want anyone to know at the time, so, I never told my husband about this happening to her. My husband has become so angry at me that I kept a "secret" from him. He is so angry that he took off his wedding band and pretty much saying that I don't trust him or that I trust my friends over him. He is also not trusting me and saying that I must be keeping more things from him and I am not being truthful to him which is untrue. He starting saying that I didn't trust him and what would he do with the information, gossip about it? He pretty much is acting like I was cheating on him and keeping that a secret.

 

My view about this whole situation is that she told me because she needed to talk about what happen and she trusted me not to say anything, which I didn't. This has nothing to do with my husband or effects us in anyway other than she is a friend that needed someone to talk to. I felt if I told my husband, I would be gossiping about what happen and sometimes even with the best intentions things slip out during normal conversations. I did not want to break Jeans trust especially during this time with her still dealing with what happened to her. I understand she did make it public about the rape but I still feel it is not my place to go into details with anyone on what happened because if she wants to let people know the details she can but it is not my place to tell ANYONE the details.

 

Also, I have known Jean since she was 7 and now is going to be 21, which is much longer than I have known my husband. Jean is also like a daughter to me and I do have 2 daughters which she has watched grow up and babysat for.

 

Am I wrong about this and I tried to explain all this to my husband but he just doesn't understand that this has nothing to do with him and she needed to trust me. I felt that talking to him about what happen would betray her trust and might hurt her more. And right now she needs all the people around her to make her feel safe. I do trust my husband but things do slip and I just couldn't take that chance. He even said that she can't be doing ok with all this and he even posted on her facebook about how there are cruel stigmas about being rape and how he cant understand how people don't have compassion about people being traumatized in this way. This statement alone makes me feel that if I did tell him, even though he might not have said anything, his actions would say otherwise and she would have known that I betrayed her trust. She doesn't need this in her life right now.

 

Am I wrong?

[mikeylo]

Your husband is blowing out of proportion. You were right in keeping the secret.

[PegNosePete]

You were right to keep the secret. If you tell everything to your husband, nobody will ever confide in me again, because they know you will tell everything to him.

 

Your husband is being a total nut case and overreacting to the extreme. There must be some serious problems or other trust issues in your marriage for him to blow off like this over something so small as keeping a friend's secret.

[TaraMaiden2]

Tell your H he should be proud to have such a discreet, sensitive wife who is capable of keeping confidences when asked to.

If anything untoward ever happened in his life, that he didn't want broadcast, he couldn't pick a better person to talk to, could he?

It's a question of dignity and self-respect - and respect for the person who has confided in you NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE.

 

A friend of mine at work (a colleague, I'll call her Herbert) went through a relatively traumatic situation and another colleague later asked me what had happened between Herbert and the other person in the scenario...

 

I replied, conspiratorially, "Can you keep a secret...?"

"Yes!" replied this other colleague, eagerly expecting inclusion...

"So can I!" I said, and winked, before walking away.

 

Colleague #2, wasn't very happy to begin with - but she admitted at a later occasion, that I was very good at being discreet and maintaining confidentiality. Which was kind of her. And it was not a begrudging compliment, either.

 

If you can keep your silence, whatever happens, you're a good, reliable and dependable person.

If your H can't see that, he's a berk.

[phillyisfun]

I have a couple of friends who make it known that everything someone tells them they will tell their husbands. I will never confide in those friends. I trust them. I don't know about their husbands.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with you keeping this girl's confidence during her time of trauma. You husband behaved like a drama queen.

[Dawnmrlg24]

Thank you All for answering!

[DreamP]

Your husbands sounds incredibly immature. A young woman has endured a violation that he could probably never understand and instead of saying "what can I do to help," he is making it about him. It sounds like he is taking somebody else's tragedy and using it to get sympathy for himself. He needs to grow up.

 

Ask him to put himself in the victim's shoes. If he shares a secret with a person who is married, does he believe the spouse of this person has automatic rights to know your husband's secret?

[Dawnmrlg24]

Yes he actually thinks that if the roles are reversed he would tell me. I highly doubt that! I keep telling him that this has nothing to do with him and what, come running to him and say hey guess what so and so was raped and just wanted to let you know! Really! Now to me that is gossiping! She was trumatized and she didn't need everyone to know, only the select few she choosed to tell in the beginning!

[d0nnivain]

Point out to your husband that you understand the meaning of a confidence. It wasn't your story to tell. If anything, your closed mouth should show him that his secrets are safe with you.

 

He's behaving like a spoiled toddler.

[Lady2163]

Some matters are just private. That doesn't change just because you marry someone.

 

Add me to the list. I've never stayed friends with a woman who has to tell her husband everything. First of all, how sad is their life that my life is a topic of conversation? You always here couples don't get much of a chance to talk to each other when both have jobs and there are children. Yet, when you do have time to talk you're going to tell him my boyfriend is a two minute man?

[Dawnmrlg24]

Some matters are just private. That doesn't change just because you marry someone.

 

YES!!!!! Thank you!!!! Exactly how I feel!!!

[ShatteredLady]

I just mentioned this to my H. His fast response was, "He's just looking for a reason..... I wonder what's really going on with him?!?".

 

I find your H's behavior completely unreasonable....particularly given the subject matter!

 

 

If I have a dilemma & turn to another for support & advise but don't tell my H about it he'd be hurt. This isn't a soap opera. It's a young woman's real life!

Edited March 3, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[ExpatInItaly]

I just mentioned this to my H. His fast response was, "He's just looking for a reason..... I wonder what's really going on with him?!?".

 

I find your H's behavior completely unreasonable....particularly given the subject matter!

 

 

If I have a dilemma & turn to another for support & advise but don't tell my H about it he'd be hurt. This isn't a soap opera. It's a young woman's real life!

 

That was my first thought too.

 

Have there been other problems in the marriage?

[dichotomy]

This was your friends very personal issue, it had no (zero) connection to you, your husband, or marriage, or anything.

 

You did the right thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with the others....your husband is acting childish and has blown the whole thing out of proportion.....there are some really good suggestions here as how to handle the situation.

 

I think you did what you think was right and the issue here is clearly his and not yours.

 

You have proven to be a true friend.

 

Details about someone else's rape is quite frankly none of his business....or anyone's business. Knowing she was raped is sufficient.

 

I am one that does tell my husband everything....but details are not important in many cases. I don't keep secrets from him....but I don't necessarily reveal every minor detail of a situation someone has shared with me.....he doesn't ask....and he certainly doesn't take off his wedding ring and pout like a child.

 

I would certainly take this opportunity to discuss this further with him and come to an understanding about it. You both have hurt feelings now....and those do need to be addressed.

[RRM321]

This was between "Jean" and you. You husband is and never was a party to this. He learned about it exactly when and how Jean chose to disclose it - via Facebook.

 

If he has an issue with this, he can take it up with Jean. I doubt he's secure enough to do so - which is why he chose to attack you instead. It's a controlling behavior, nothing more.

 

Marriage conveys no right of access to the private lives of any third party. Insecure people suck at keeping secrets. That why it's told to others in confidence as in: confidential.

[Poutrew]

Well OP, I'd be hurt if you were my wife. I don't really understand how the women who answer your post think you did the right thing... Oh well. I guess if you were my wife I would just say this: "I didn't realize that it's OK to keep secrets from each other, honey. Now that I do, I wont feel so guilty if I ever have a situation which requires me to keep something from you. Thanks."

 

And when you do eventually find out, and know how mixed up in the thing I was, you are not going to be hurt, or disappointed that I could keep something so important from you, right? Right?

[S2B]

A big over reaction by your husband!

 

Does he always over react this way it is it possible he's using this as an excuse to not be married anymore?

 

Are there other issues he's unwilling to discuss with you?

[Dawnmrlg24]

How is a friends rape, especially a 20 years old girls rape, who asked not to tell anyone, HAVE to be told to my husband? I do feel that some things are suppose to stay private especially when it has nothing to do with me, him or our marriage. I can see him getting angry and hurt if I was raped and didn't tell him but she is my friend and not his. (I know really childish but true.) So, why does it matter so much? Regardless if I trust him or not, if I go running to him and say guess what so and so got raped, to me that is gossiping. It wasn't my story to tell and if she wanted him to know at that time she could have told him or told us together.

[Dawnmrlg24]

There are a lot of things he doesn't discuss with me that I feel is important but never does. Like money, I don't know how much his pay checks are because we have separate accounts and separate bills. I ask him but he gets angry and say what you don't trust me! I have learn somethings are just not meant to be told or talked about. If I keep something as a friends problem which has NOTHING to do with my marriage, than what's the big deal when it has no effect on my relationship.

[anika99]

Well OP, I'd be hurt if you were my wife. I don't really understand how the women who answer your post think you did the right thing... Oh well. I guess if you were my wife I would just say this: "I didn't realize that it's OK to keep secrets from each other, honey. Now that I do, I wont feel so guilty if I ever have a situation which requires me to keep something from you. Thanks."

 

And when you do eventually find out, and know how mixed up in the thing I was, you are not going to be hurt, or disappointed that I could keep something so important from you, right? Right?

 

Seriously? You think it's your God given right to not only know every detail of your wife's life but also every detail of every person's life who is associated with your wife?

 

Husbands and wives shouldn't keep secrets about themselves from each other. Nor should they be secretive about their children. If the OP and her husband had a daughter that was raped then it would be hugely wrong of her to keep that a secret from her husband, but to say that all of your wife's friends lives and their traumas are your business just makes you sound like an arrogant busy body. Sometimes a woman needs another woman to confide in. The poor girl had just been raped and needed somebody she could trust to pour her heart out to and if the OP had betrayed that trust who knows how much damage that could do.

 

The OP absolutely did the right thing and I would expect my husband to do the same for a friend.

[phillyisfun]

Well OP, I'd be hurt if you were my wife. I don't really understand how the women who answer your post think you did the right thing... Oh well. I guess if you were my wife I would just say this: "I didn't realize that it's OK to keep secrets from each other, honey. Now that I do, I wont feel so guilty if I ever have a situation which requires me to keep something from you. Thanks."

 

And when you do eventually find out, and know how mixed up in the thing I was, you are not going to be hurt, or disappointed that I could keep something so important from you, right? Right?

 

So you see her keeping a confidence about someone else's rape a marital secret? I'm sorry, I do not understand that. If the OP had been raped, then yes. But this was a friend of hers. You really think it was of marital importance that she tell her husband her friend was raped?

 

I know there's an entire...school of thought like this. I just do not agree. I do not think keeping a female friend's rape story confidential hurts a marriage. And speaking as a rape victim, I can tell you that a MAN knowing about a rape can be very triggering.

[SJS]

I agree with the others in that your husband is waaaaay overreacting. To even go as far as taking off his ring is a huge red flag. That reaction is why secrets happen!

 

 

With my own husband though, I might've said something to the effect of Jean just went through a horrible situation and confided in me but out of respect for her privacy I won't disclose any more, and that would be enough (and that's not gossiping).

[Lady2163]

Well OP, I'd be hurt if you were my wife. I don't really understand how the women who answer your post think you did the right thing... Oh well. I guess if you were my wife I would just say this: "I didn't realize that it's OK to keep secrets from each other, honey. Now that I do, I wont feel so guilty if I ever have a situation which requires me to keep something from you. Thanks."

 

And when you do eventually find out, and know how mixed up in the thing I was, you are not going to be hurt, or disappointed that I could keep something so important from you, right? Right?

 

Why do you think it is your business? If you had a 20 year old male friend who had just been raped, would you rush to tell your wife?

 

Would you tell your wife if your best friend was having an affair?

 

Would you tell your wife if your best friend was married, but confided he was gay?

 

This woman confided in your wife after a terrible incident. You seem to think it is perfectly viable gossip. If you know the young woman personally, don't you think she'd tell you if she wanted you to know?

[PacMann87]

I agree with the others....your husband is acting childish and has blown the whole thing out of proportion.....there are some really good suggestions here as how to handle the situation.

 

I think you did what you think was right and the issue here is clearly his and not yours.

 

You have proven to be a true friend.

 

Details about someone else's rape is quite frankly none of his business....or anyone's business. Knowing she was raped is sufficient.

 

I am one that does tell my husband everything....but details are not important in many cases. I don't keep secrets from him....but I don't necessarily reveal every minor detail of a situation someone has shared with me.....he doesn't ask....and he certainly doesn't take off his wedding ring and pout like a child.

 

I would certainly take this opportunity to discuss this further with him and come to an understanding about it. You both have hurt feelings now....and those do need to be addressed.

 

I sense that there is more going on between you and your husband during your marriage than you've said here. The fact that you don't know what he makes financially and keep separate bank accounts and he gets angry if you ask about it says a lot in itself. Getting the idea that he's controlling and things have to go his way. Also guessing that anything he doesn't know about you or things you do makes him feel like you're doing something behind his back or cheating on him. I could be wrong but only you know that.

 

As far as your friends dau. Stand up to your husband about it this if he bring sit up again. Ask him "what is knowing the details of this horrific event in this young girls life going to do for you? Why is that going to make you feel better? The fact that you are making this about our marriage or about you at all is exactly why I shouldn't tell you anything more". The entire focus should be on Jean and the concern placed on her. He should know that. This has nothing to do with you or him or your relationship. The girl confided in you about likely the worst experience of her life and you would be breaking that trust by telling your husband or anyone about it without her consent or knowledge.

 

I don't know how much you told your husband but I'd be willing to bet that at some point in the future when you are around jeans family, parents or friends that know her , your husband quietly asks or brings it up in order to find out more or discuss it. People who want to know more details about secrets that have nothing to do with them, are always the people who discuss other people's affairs to others. That's why Jean didn't tell anyone but you. She trusts that you put it in the vault. You should've told your husband "I have no idea what she's talking about" when he prodded you about her Facebook post.

 

You can't unring that bell, but you can prevent him from trying to ring it again and again by asking u for more by maturely calling him

Out and making him Embarrassed for turning this into something about him/you