Husband has issue with photos of my children and their fathers- any one else?

[Evelynn]

Hi all

Im new here.

Looking for advice and thoughts.

I had a few children before marrying my husband. He loves the kids.

Before meeting him i always kept photo albums of photos of the kids and me and my ex. Family type ones of all of us together etc.

My husband was a bit upset about finding them, it hadnt crossed my mind to get rid of them as previous partners hadnt had an issue with them.

So i put them in a box away. I just took all the ones that included my ex out of the albums and put them away for the kids when they were older.

I told my husband this.

A few months down the track we moved house and he found them and looked at them which set him off again. He was so mad. We agreed that i should put them in a sealed box. I explained i wanted to keep them for the kids. He didnt want me to give them to their dad as he felt that would show their dad i was holding onto them. (I hadnt thought this far into it).

I havent gotten around to getting a box for them. He obviously went through them again today as is quite upset about them again. And doesnt want me to put them in a box, just wants them burned. (That was his first ever suggestion too, and i did burn all the ones i found of me and ex at his suggestion just not the kid ones).

Has any one else experienced this?

Have you been in the place of my husband? I say i understand where hes coming from but that i want to keep for the children and he says well then no you dont understand.

Looking for any advice, experiences, suggestions or things i can say. Im all out and tired of this but dont want to destroy them either.

 

Thank you

Evelynn

[LittleTiger]

Hi Evelynn, welcome to LS.

 

Does your husband have any reason to feel threatened by your exes? Is he jealous in other situations or is this something new in your relationship? Does he have control issues?

 

From what you've said, I think he's being unreasonable. Your past can't be erased and, since your kids are a product of your previous relationships, presumably you have no wish erase it?

 

I have lots of photographs from my past, including photos with exes and even photos of my wedding to my now deceased ex-husband. They're stored in my loft, as are other important memories of my past life, and I have no intention of throwing any of them away. My fiancé has no problem with it at all and he would never ask me to burn anything unless it was my choice. I'm not even saving this stuff for my kids, it's just for me.

 

Have you asked him what bothers him so much about you keeping memories for your children?

 

If he won't see reason could you perhaps box them up and ask a family member to keep them for you until the children are old enough to take possession themselves? A parent, sibling or even a close friend? If he even objects to that then I would seriously question his motives!

[sandylee1]

Your past is just that. Don't burn the pictures. Does he have jealousy problems? Is he controlling in other ways?

 

Those pictures are history for your children.. He's being ridiculous.

[MidwestUSA]

I'd suggest renting a safe deposit box and storing the pics there. Don't tell him you did it, just bring him a box of ashes from a campfire.

 

Your children deserve their memories.

 

Yes, he's being unreasonable.

[Evelynn]

The kids see their dad. He is a jerk which creates issues. We are currently going through legal/court stuff so this blows things up a bit frequently.

He says what bothers him the most is that it makes him think of me having sex with my ex. He wrote to his sister via text about it tonight as her husband also has children from a past marriage and she said she also insisted her husband get rid of the photos and he did. My husband read these msgs out to me to kind of say 'see im not being unfair'. I felt very hurt by this.

Ive suggested giving them to their dad but he says no as mentioned in first post.

After our fight when moving, i put them in the car and triedto take them to a friends, but he found me in the car as i was starting it andbegged me not to leave as it was directly after our fight and he was feeling emotionally like he desperately needed me.

I told him what i was doing and he later said he doesnt want me to do that bc then the personi ask will know he has an issue with them.

I just feel SO stuck.

 

He does have jelusy issues. He also says that i have jealousy issues, which i dont disagree. When we first started dating, he was not long out of a relatiomship and his ex was still texting him which i didnt initially know about. When i found out i was not impressed. This is why he says i have jealousy issues. I explained this to him and he says that no i always have jealousy issues. He has one friend that he sees. He is male.

 

I have a picture on the wall of his son with his ex (sons mum) so as to kind of say im not jelous.

 

I have got to the point where ive thought maybe i should buy a metal box and bury it in the back yard. Bring it out when the kids are 21 and tell them not tell their step father. But i dont like the thought of a lie. I dont like going behind his back.

[sandylee1]

I'd suggest renting a safe deposit box and storing the pics there. Don't tell him you did it, just bring him a box of ashes from a campfire.

 

Your children deserve their memories.

 

Yes, he's being unreasonable.

 

There is no need to lie as it looks like you have a reason to do so. Your children's father did nothing to him and his behaviour is very childish TBH.

 

Lies come back to haunt you. Rent a box . but don't lie about it.

[amaysngrace]

He sounds like a controlling jealous pig.

 

If he has that much contempt for your ex I wonder how he feels about your children. They are half him.

[Art_Critic]

You should keep those photos, and your children should have some access to them.

 

I was a Step Dad many years ago and my then wife took out all the photos of them as a family unit or intimate photos and left the photos in the albums of her child and the child's father...she did keep the photos she took out just put them out of way, the others were in albums in the home.

 

I had no problem with it, it is the child's parent and those pictures will help the child in figuring out the new family unit and how it all fits together, the child needs them as part of their identity.

 

If he won't allow them in the house I would remove them from the house since he will just destroy them and give them to a family member to hold.

 

Those pictures are the property of your child.. don't let your new husband tell you otherwise.

 

If this becomes a huge deal and you see other issues similar to this crop up I would rethink the marriage.

[kgcolonel]

you are your childrens mother....never forget that. In a marriage such as yours, protecting your kids is your number one objective, not pleasing your husband....they have no one else to be their protector. That being said, he sounds extremely insecure and has little regard for your children and their heritage.

 

I lost my childhood momentos, (trophies, report cards, school pictures, things you grow up collecting) that as you get older increase greatly in value to you and you alone. I would give almost anything thing to have these back to show my son and my wife. Whatever you do, don't discard or destroy these things. Your husband may seem or actually may be a jerk to you but he is still your children's father....he has that right good or bad....from where I sit, I think I would give these things to him to have for the children when they get older.

 

Do not abandon your kids on this as there will be something after this that your Husband will find that disturbs him and you will find yourself making endless concessions.

[dichotomy]

I am a step father. I was fine with my wife keeping albums stashed away in my home, or my step-kids keeping albums (or even open photo in their own room). We had major issues with her ex - like you could not believe so bad. She disliked him very much - so did I - but I understood the need to have some photos stored, or for the kids to have a picture out. I never said a bad word about her ex in front of kids. I was never jealous or threatened by her ex husband or their marriage. It ended badly and I know she thinks I am the better man.

 

 

 

 

 

P.S.

 

Kind of unrelated. I did make her purge completely (not even allowed in home) some pictures of FWB's and FB's she had between marriages. But that was justified - long stories there.

[MidwestUSA]

There is no need to lie as it looks like you have a reason to do so. Your children's father did nothing to him and his behaviour is very childish TBH.

 

Lies come back to haunt you. Rent a box . but don't lie about it.

 

I was joking about the ashes.

 

But what kind of hell is he going to give her if she tells him she rented a box? Now she's 'spending money to fuel his jealousy'. That's how he'd see it, I'm afraid.

 

Isn't there anywhere else they could go for safekeeping?

[ksol9]

I was with a man who had 2 children from his previous marriage. He has custody of them. I would cringe any time I saw photos of her with the children. He seemed to have gotten rid of any photos with him and her together. Never found anything like that. The more I put thought into, I realized I was so wrong for feeling the way I felt. The children have a mother. I truly loved them and so I shouldn't have any ill feelings towards their mother whatsoever, even though she wasn't apart of their lives. I learned to embrace it. It wasn't long before I was helping the children make memorabilia to give to her for holidays. The gifts included photos of her with the children. It hurt a little, but this is the life I chose. That was the man I loved and I loved his children. I think it's wrong to make you get rid of photos of the children with their father. Memories last a lifetime and they will want to see photos of those times in their life. They deserve that. He should reconsider.

[sandylee1]

I told him what i was doing and he later said he doesnt want me to do that bc then the personi ask will know he has an issue with them.

I just feel SO stuck.

 

******* Right here ^^^^^^^....he knows he's wrong **********

 

I have a picture on the wall of his son with his ex (sons mum) so as to kind of say im not

 

Imagine a photo of your ex with the kids on the wall.... I bet not.

 

 

His sister is equally as selfish and jealous. Perhaps it's a family trait.

 

No matter what. ...their dad is their dad.

 

DON'T BURN THEM.

[Mr. Lucky]

You've gotten good advice. This isn't something you need his permission to do, it's between you and your kids. You should handle as you would any other issue involving support, custody, visitation, etc.

 

When you marry a partner with children, you assume certain obligations. One of those requires that you understand and deal with the logistics of a previous relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

Regardless of whatever else you do, consider scanning them and saving them in Dropbox or another online service so that you can share them with all your children in the future.

 

He is completely wrong to be so controlling about this issue, and it's a red flag for me. Your children should have access to these photos now and in the future without worrying about their stepfather blowing up every time he sees one. Certainly when they are teens, he won't be able to control what photos they display and share.

[AnnaGem]

It's completely inappropriate of him to demand that you destroy those photos.

 

My photo albums are my history and my children's history and I would never erase their father out of it just because my significant other had an issue with it. In fact, if my SO had an issue with it, I would strongly consider getting rid of HIM, not the photos.

[Tread Carefully]

Let's look at this from the kids perspective.

 

My father had a few large boxes full of pictures of me beginning from when I was born. He was a photographer so he took a lot of them throughout my life. He was the keeper of the family photos and told me that when he passed away I would get them all. He died three years ago.

 

My step-Mom had a bonfire and burned every single one of them. I hate her for that. All of those precious memories captured in time....gone.

 

Your husband wants you to do the same thing. As much pain, betrayal and anger I feel towards my step-Mom for doing that, I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel if my parent had done it.

 

Think about that.

[minimariah]

He wrote to his sister via text about it tonight as her husband also has children from a past marriage and she said she also insisted her husband get rid of the photos and he did.

 

both your husband and his sister come off as super insecure. it seems as if, through getting rid of these pictures, they're really trying to burn your past life; a lot of people can't really deal with the fact that their partner had an entire family before them so they lash out this way... they want to remove every reminder of the life before them. these pictures are relevant to your children; i LOVE the fact i still have my mother's wedding dress, my father's wedding suit, their pictures, souvenirs from their trips, a bunch of memories. it's great to be reminded of the fact that my parents were happy and in love... once upon a time. i think it's awesome when you have a little window into that part of your childhood and your parents lives... like how you came to be, how did these two folks who created you even met, how did they feel for each other.

 

that being said...

 

I'd suggest renting a safe deposit box and storing the pics there.

 

i think this is great advice. collect all those pictures and stuff you want your children to have, put them into some kind of safe deposit box or something, you can put them away and then - your children can take it and look through it when they're older.

Edited February 26, 2016 by minimariah

[anika99]

Let's look at this from the kids perspective.

 

My father had a few large boxes full of pictures of me beginning from when I was born. He was a photographer so he took a lot of them throughout my life. He was the keeper of the family photos and told me that when he passed away I would get them all. He died three years ago.

 

My step-Mom had a bonfire and burned every single one of them. I hate her for that. All of those precious memories captured in time....gone.

 

Your husband wants you to do the same thing. As much pain, betrayal and anger I feel towards my step-Mom for doing that, I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel if my parent had done it.

 

Think about that.

 

Agreed. OP, if your kids ever find out that you burned pictures of them and their father just to appease your insecure husband they will direct their resentment to you.

 

Also after my mom divorced my stepfather she hated him with a passion and didn't want to keep any pictures of him and their sons (she had thousands of pictures of the kids) so she gather up all of the family pictures she had that included my stepdad and gave them to him. He was happy to have them and then my brothers could see pictures of themselves at both their mom and dads places. Your husband forbidding you from even giving the photos to your ex is over the top insecure and his reasoning doesn't even make sense. Your ex will think you have been holding onto them? Well he probably already thinks that and when you give them to him then he will think you don't want to hold onto them anymore which should make your jealous insecure husband feel better.

 

Also I find it disturbing when your husband says seeing photos of your kids with their father makes him think about you having sex with your ex. Does that mean he also thinks about sex with your ex when he looks at your kids? I suspect you have deeper problems to address in this marriage.

[Dolfin80]

Instead of burning the photos, id invest my time filing for divorce. Your current husband is a creep, get rid of him not the photos. He's not worthy of you.

[summerdowling87]

My Mom loathes the ground that my father walks on.

 

She got rid of photos of him and her but she keeps the photos of him and us and my brother.

 

I personally think it us unfair for him to ask you to burn photos of your ex.

[bathtub-row]

Your husband has stepped over a line. He has no right to make these kinds of demands of you. Him being jealous is his problem, not yours. Extreme jealousy is not cute and it's not a sign of love. It's about control. I'm with some of the others here -- put an end to this marriage.

[preraph]

Your husband is being childish. Sealing them in a box and putting them away for your kids is the fair thing to do here. And if you kid wants a photo of their dad in their room, that's fair too. Your husband is acting like an immature jerk.

[Lady2163]

Gather all the pictures, put them in one box. Take them out of the albums if you need them to fit. Seal the box.

Put the box in the bottom or back corner of a child's closet. Label the box, "old pictures."

 

Or scan the pictures/pay to have the pictures scanned. Easier then renting a place.

 

Or mail the box to your mom or another relative. Just say, "I removed them." And leave it at that if it comes up. "They're gone, case closed"

 

Remind him again, this is your children's history. Not his. And you're very grateful that it is your past, not your present.

 

But I do think your husbands an ass.

[whichwayisup]

 

I have a picture on the wall of his son with his ex (sons mum) so as to kind of say im not jelous.

 

.

So he is allowed to hang a picture of his son with his ex, yet he will NOT allow you to keep photo albums in the house, even in a box for your kids to have some day?! WTF.

 

Your marriage is on shaky grounds, trust issues are there (maybe because of how you two got together?) and he's selfish not thinking of what is best for your kids and how they might feel by ridding of the albums. It's NOT his place to dictate what happens to those albums. He needs to accept that you had a past, just like he did and that your ex IS the kids dad and get over it.