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Need some help...

 

My wife and I have been together for over 10 years. Married for 6 of them and we have a daughter together. We are very close. She is a stay at home mom and I work 2 jobs to provide everything I can for them.

 

I am in the Military and just made a higher rank. At work there was a planned fishing trip that I signed up for on a workday during working hours. Friday's are half days so I normally get home by 1pm. Since the trip was in the morning I thought hell why not? I should get home around the same time. I found out a few days later we were not going to get home until 2pm so I tried to cancel. I couldn't cancel because they had already paid the fee for me to go.

 

When I came home to tell my wife about it she went irate with me. She told me that I shouldn't be having fun without them and that I am being selfish for wanting to go. I explained to her that I tried to cancel and I didn't realize it was going to go on so late. She told me that I should have known that I shouldn't be going anywhere without them in the first place. I apologized to her over and over. Told her that this is the first and last time I ever go on any sort of outing without them. She still is mad at me!

 

Here is the thing. I don't have any friends. I just work my jobs and come home. I do my best to provide and I don't ask to go anywhere without them. At this point of my life I don't even care to do anything without them. Is this a sign of a controlling wife? Or should I have known that I shouldn't go. She won't speak to me now and I know I will be facing the consequences for weeks to come. What should I tell her? What should I do?

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Thats a really good question! I don't demand anything of her. She does take care of me and our child. Our child is 8 years old. My second job is at home and I am a web developer. I try to tell her all the time that she needs to take time off and go be with friends but she simply does not want to. She doesn't think of herself. She is a good wife.. I love her... I made a mistake. I shouldn't have signed up for the trip. I tried to cancel and they gave me a guilt trip because they already paid for the trip. I keep apologizing to her over and over..

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Mrs. John Adams

perhaps you should have discussed it with her before you made your plans.

 

I don't think she is necessarily a controlling wife because of this one reaction...but i do think she is probably resentful because you did not tell her and discuss it with her. It sounds like perhaps she needs a little attention and maybe a little date just the two of you might be in order.

 

My husband and i do not go out with out each other.....many people do go out with friends...but we choose not to. It sounds like she is very loyal....and feels you should be too.

 

Tell her you will not go if she really doesn't want you to go....and take her out for a nice dinner and a movie just the two of you.

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Thank you for your reply! I should have told her beforehand I jumped right into it. She is very loyal honestly and super selfless. I just hate that she is so mad at me.. I don't know what to say or do. I will follow your advice thank you :)

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Mrs. John Adams! Your advice worked like a charm.. My problem was that I was making excuses as to why I did what I did but I simply told her I should have talked to her beforehand, I made a mistake and that I was sorry. She is still mad but we are ok now. I am sure I am going to have to make it up to her for weeks to come but thank you for your advice.. I am 30 and still stupid about marriages sometimes...

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I agree. It is best to always get in a habit of mentioning possible plans to your SO ASAP. The communication process is being maintained.

 

The comment about making "it up to her for weeks to come" strikes me; however, I do not know you or her personally, so I cannot comment on any specific dynamics in your relationship. Is she dysfunctionally controlling? Ask yourself the following questions.

 

"Those in enmeshed relationships are often the last to see it. But with awareness you can start to recognize some of the signs:

 

1. Can you recognize the difference between your own emotions and those of a person with whom you have a relationship?

2. Do you feel like you need to rescue someone from their emotions and/or responsible for their emotions?

3. Do you feel like you need someone else to rescue you from your own emotions and/or is responsible for your emotions?

4. Do feel that you and the person with whom you have the relationship not have any personal and/or emotional time and space?"

 

Source:https://www.fulsheartransition.com/enmeshment-symptoms-and-causes/

 

If you answered, "yes," to any of the questions -- find more information on enmeshed relationships. If all your answers are "no," don't sweat it.

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Mrs. John Adams
Mrs. John Adams! Your advice worked like a charm.. My problem was that I was making excuses as to why I did what I did but I simply told her I should have talked to her beforehand, I made a mistake and that I was sorry. She is still mad but we are ok now. I am sure I am going to have to make it up to her for weeks to come but thank you for your advice.. I am 30 and still stupid about marriages sometimes...

 

I am so glad. Always include her in your plans. She stays at home...and sometimes those of us who stay at home...begin to feel left out....

 

she will come around....and she knows you did not mean any harm.

 

Sometimes it is hard to say i am sorry.....

 

I have been married almost 44 years...I have made my share of mistakes....believe me.

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Jeez, I see this from a completely different angle.

 

Your kid is 8 years old, not an infant or toddler. I'm assuming she goes to school like every other 8 year old on the planet. That means your wife has the majority of the day to work at a part time job and get out of the house if she's feeling so trapped. She chooses NOT to and wants to stay home instead and seems to think you have to do the same thing and can't have a social life or a little fun outside of those two jobs you're working.

 

And, she's managed to twist your thinking into feeling guilty if - God forbid - you DO want to have a little fun.

 

I actually find it very sad that you're jumping all over the place like a trained seal trying to appease her and get out of the event for which you signed up. If my husband was working two jobs to support us and my kid was in school all day and I STILL chose not to work, about the last thing I'd be doing is depriving my husband of a little recreation.

 

I can't believe she's got you so damned brainwashed that you felt you needed to apologize for God's sake.

 

Shame on her.

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Hi confu

 

Great that you had a nice chat with your wife and that things are OK again. It's also lovely to see a couple so committed and accountable to each other.

 

However, I can't help thinking that she over-reacted. I think that occasional leisure time with friends/colleagues away from family can be a very good thing, for the individual and to their marriage. A mixture of going out with family, with friends, and with family AND friends can work really well. That way your family get to know your friends and therefore know exactly who you will be out with when you go out without them. Each family has its own rules and expectations, but to me her reaction sounds harsh and has left you feeling very bad for something quite minor.

 

Just to clarify, was it only the fact that you hadn't told her that was the problem? Which I do understand. Or the very fact that you went at all? I.e. would she have been fine about the fishing trip if you had told her all about it beforehand? If not, then personally I do find this a little controlling and I think it would be good to have a heart to heart discussion with her to resolve it.

 

I'm sure it will be OK! All marriages have their little blips and that is all this seems to be. This pales almost into insignificance compared to some of the other horrors reported in these forums, so don't beat yourself up.

 

I wish you and your family all the very best!

Edited by jenkins95
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Gotta say I agree with Lois. Yes you should have told her about the fishing trip beforehand just for the sake of informing her of your whereabouts. However in your first post you say that your wife says you should never want to go anywhere without them. By them, she means herself and your child correct? She laid a guilt trip on you and accused you of being selfish for even wanting to have a few hours of fun.

 

You are a 30yr old man working 2 jobs to support your able bodied wife and school age child, while your wife spends her time dictating your every waking moment. She has you acting like a well trained pet. Man that is loads of f@$ked up and I'm surprised at all the posters here who think this is a healthy relationship. Yes you should have let her know you were going on this trip but obviously the reason you didn't was because you knew she would forbid you from going for no other reason other than she has decided you are never to do anything without her. Go ahead and jump through her hoops if you want to, but 20yrs from now when you realize that she has destroyed your soul, you are going to despise her with a passion. I say now is the time for you to assert yourself and fix this issue, before you start having fantasies of cheating or killing your wife while she sleeps.

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What was she mad about? You being home an hour later? Yeah.... controlling I would say!

 

You need to have fun and make friends. Go on the trip.

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Here is the thing. I don't have any friends. I just work my jobs and come home.

 

She told me that I shouldn't be having fun without them and that I am being selfish for wanting to go.

 

While I'm obviously not you, these are both red flags to me. My wife and kids are my life - they're just not my entire life. I played sports one night a week the entire time my kids were growing up and my wife had her own free night. I wanted my kids to see me in healthy relationships with everyone, their Mom included.

 

The best spouse is a well-rounded one, committed to marriage and family but connected to others also. Her statements are extreme and your isolation is unhealthy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mrs. John Adams! Your advice worked like a charm.. My problem was that I was making excuses as to why I did what I did but I simply told her I should have talked to her beforehand, I made a mistake and that I was sorry. She is still mad but we are ok now. I am sure I am going to have to make it up to her for weeks to come but thank you for your advice.. I am 30 and still stupid about marriages sometimes...

 

I honestly think she overreacted. Marriage doesn't mean you can't have fun wity friends .... quite frankly I'd find that stifling.

 

Friends are good for support and if anything goes wrong in your marriage.. you have them for support.

 

My husband and I go out together and with our friends indivually... a marriage where I could not enjoy time with friends would not work for me.

 

I personally DO think your wife is controlling. She has no life outside of you and wants you to feel the same. You could end up resenting her for this.

 

Many who only have fun with their spouses..is as a result of past infidelity.

 

I think it's unreasonable to never socialise with friends.

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Jeez, I see this from a completely different angle.

 

Your kid is 8 years old, not an infant or toddler. I'm assuming she goes to school like every other 8 year old on the planet. That means your wife has the majority of the day to work at a part time job and get out of the house if she's feeling so trapped. She chooses NOT to and wants to stay home instead and seems to think you have to do the same thing and can't have a social life or a little fun outside of those two jobs you're working.

 

And, she's managed to twist your thinking into feeling guilty if - God forbid - you DO want to have a little fun.

 

I actually find it very sad that you're jumping all over the place like a trained seal trying to appease her and get out of the event for which you signed up. If my husband was working two jobs to support us and my kid was in school all day and I STILL chose not to work, about the last thing I'd be doing is depriving my husband of a little recreation.

 

I can't believe she's got you so damned brainwashed that you felt you needed to apologize for God's sake.

 

Shame on her.

 

I usually find Lois a bit harsh. ...but she's spot on here.

This is an unhealthy relationship IMO.

 

I'm not being funny...but she has expected you from the age of 22 to ONLY have fun times with her and your child? That's just ridiculous and unreasonable.

 

She must have had some issues to behave like this.

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It's crazy to me that people live like this. Some of these posts here just blow my mind.

 

You are headed down the path to divorce or a sexless marriage, IMO. No woman could maintain respect for a man who lets her walk all over him like this. You should have more to your life than your wife and kid. She freaks out when you want to be home an hour late so you can do something for yourself? That is super controlling and I have no idea why you tolerated it.

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Randomlyrandomme

All this over being a single hour late (with advanced notice)?

A little controlling.

And the fact that she doesn't want you having fun without them?

Why not? Do they sit around morosely when you're not home, saving pleasure for when daddy gets home?

I think if she was concerned for your happiness shed encourage you to do it. Especially if it's only taking an hour of your time away from them.

I think she may this over reactive because she feels she doesn't get the same opportunities. She's burning out at home and too stubborn to take a break.

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Sounds like you should put your foot down and say "enough". The other option is be a doormat to her for the rest of your marriage as it sounds the pattern is already set.

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  • 2 weeks later...
TrustedthenBusted

yeah, that is crazy. The courtesy of a heads up is all that should ever be required.

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Your wife's reaction does sound a bit extreme to me, but we're only getting one side, of course. Does she have her own outlets too? Hobbies? Exercise outside the house? Friends?

 

You originally thought you wouldn't miss any time with your family, and then it turned out you would be one hour later than usual. That doesn't sound unreasonable. I can understand why she'd want to know that you were going to be late on a Friday when family time for the weekend begins, but it sounds like you told her as soon as you found out.

 

Do you do anything outside of the house without her and your daughter? If you actually spend tons of time at the gym, at happy hour, etc., then I would say, whoa dude, of course your wife feels like it's lopsided. But if this one hour actually represents the only time you were going to be away from your family outside of work, then I'd say, what's the big deal?

 

It's important to have your own stuff. Be your own person. Have friends. There's a balance of course. I'm working on the other end of the spectrum with my husband as he overcommits (like going out four nights in one week when we had a newborn, or using his only vacation time to go on a hiking trip with guy friends for NINE days without us, or spending 15+ hours a week exercising on top of having a full time job and being on several boards and undertaking several extra business ventures just for fun). I want my husband to have his own things, but I've come to realize that he isn't prioritizing our family. It's too much. It's overboard. But your wife wants you to miss something fun for you rather than be out of the house for one hour? That does sound controlling to me, to be honest.

 

If you love someone, you want them to be happy. That includes friendships and hobbies. And if what sounds like a small misunderstanding really results in you having to kiss up to her for weeks, then I question whether you have a healthy dynamic in your marriage. It sounds like she enjoys being the victim and overreacts to small things so she can feel like she is one.

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