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Probably not the average "not getting what I want" thread...


OverThinkingItAlways

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OverThinkingItAlways

Hi All,

 

I'll start with a quick summary, and then give some more details:

 

-I've been married ~20 years

-I'm not terribly happy with our sex life

-I'm looking for some advice from anyone who has resolved the problem I'm going to describe

 

OK, here are the details:

 

I met my wife 25+ years ago. Love at first sight, we get along on a personal level great and always have. She didn't want to have intercourse before we were married (not for religious reasons, just personal "I'm going to wait until we're married"). We had a sexual relationship prior to being married, just no intercourse (until almost married). After we were engaged and the date approached, she felt comfortable with having sex too and that has continued.

 

She was a great deal more passionate about things before we were married. This could be for any number of reasons, of course - including the nature of "new" relationships, her better self/body image then (when we were young and fit, like everyone else...) and, not insignificantly, the lack of stresses from housekeeping and having children to take care of. One thing that *never* happened, though, even back then, is she refused to give me oral sex. Way back then, I told her (and let's leave aside the fact that I was probably wrong to do this) in no uncertain terms that receiving oral was *very* important to me, and I was (and am) willing to compromise on anything (frequency, not finishing in her mouth, shaving/trimming, showering immediately beforehand, etc. etc.) as long as it was, in some capacity, on the menu - and that if it was 100% out of the question, that was absolutely a deal-breaker.

 

So the problem is now obvious, right? She will not do it, not even try it, not with any "boundary" conditions at all agreed upon. I have, in the past, reminded her that I told her under no circumstances would I spend the rest of my life without it, before she agreed to marry me. I have, in a completely non-threatening and positive, communicative way, talked about how important it is to me, and that I am willing to make whatever adjustments are necessary, even if it meant only getting a short experience with it on the odd occasion.

 

Some other facts:

-She has no sexual abuse in her past that might be an issue here

-She has never done this for anyone, and despite the lack of negative experience, now claims (did not before) that she finds the entire idea repulsive

 

So, I guess I'd like some advice here that helps me sort out my own thoughts on this. I am very sensitive to the idea that the thought of it is somehow off-putting to her, and I wouldn't ever coerce her into doing something that grosses her out - at the same time, it seems to me that putting conditions around it (as previously mentioned) makes it decidedly non-gross.

 

Further muddling my attempts to sort out how to proceed is this:

 

-I perform oral on her every. single. time. we have ever had an encounter. Sometimes more that once. She has at least one orgasm every single time. No, she's not faking it to boost my confidence. It is, in fact, the only way she reaches orgasm.

-She says she's very satisfied with our sex life (although doesn't really like penetrative sex much, but does it "for me"),

-I feel almost a bit... Well, degraded in a sense that my performance is so crucial to this but she will not reciprocate. It's worse, I guess, that a part of me wants to go down the road of "if I don't get it, neither do you". I know, however that that's not going to solve anything, and besides, what makes this hurt so much is I really like doing it to her!

 

TL;DR: Is there anything else I can do, apart from what I have already done? (Yes, I've also done the ubiquitous personal advice column repertoire of helping around the house, being intimate without sexual expectations, making her feel appreciated, etc. etc.) I feel that I've been communicative in a positive way (at least the past couple years) but short of doing something I *know* probably won't work (ultimatums, shutting her off...) I'm out of ideas.

 

Thanks for your thoughts,

 

OverThingItAlways

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Have you talked to her about this? Has she indicated why she no longer wants to give oral sex?

 

Sometimes it's a little painful to give oral sex to a man...keeping your jaw open that wide for a long time, if you have a smaller mouth.

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A quetsion.

Has she ever actually tried doing this for you?

if so, what was it like for her?

 

TBH, I can;t do this for my husband, as it is incredibly painful. I would try and be in tears it hurt so much, as I have a problem with my jaw. Surgery made it worse, and anything where I have to keep my mouth open it really painful. I even need sedation for routine dental exams.

 

Is it possible this is the case for your wife? TMJ dysfunction is not uncommon, and there are treatments that can help before it gets as bad as mine has

 

Other than that, my best advice is to ask her why she won't do it. Let her know that you will be okay and won't be offended by her answer, whatever it might be, and give her the time she needs to reply if she is finding it hard or embarrassing to talk about.

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OverThinkingItAlways
A quetsion.

Has she ever actually tried doing this for you?

if so, what was it like for her?

 

TBH, I can;t do this for my husband, as it is incredibly painful. I would try and be in tears it hurt so much, as I have a problem with my jaw. Surgery made it worse, and anything where I have to keep my mouth open it really painful. I even need sedation for routine dental exams.

 

Is it possible this is the case for your wife? TMJ dysfunction is not uncommon, and there are treatments that can help before it gets as bad as mine has

 

Other than that, my best advice is to ask her why she won't do it. Let her know that you will be okay and won't be offended by her answer, whatever it might be, and give her the time she needs to reply if she is finding it hard or embarrassing to talk about.

 

No, she's never tried it, with me or anyone else.

 

She *has* had TMJ from time to time in the past, but has not cited that as a reason. The only reason she's ever given is "she finds it repulsive" - meaning, the very idea of doing it, not that she's tried it and was grossed out.

 

Apart from the "I'll wash/trim/etc." right before, and "just try it for a few seconds even", and the obvious "I won't come in your mouth", I don't know what could be repulsive to her, and she won't get more specific.

 

About the TMJ thing... Like I said, she's never mentioned that, but if it was a concern (I'm pretty large) I have also told her in my conversations about it that I don't expect her to try to take me *completely* in her mouth, or if she'd prefer, not at all (just work from the outside, so to speak)...

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GorillaTheater

I'm not sure whether this would be entirely constructive (in other words, it could backfire like hell), but I'd be at least tempted to cut back on performing oral. If she asks about it, that would be a great opportunity to talk about sexual expectations. Just keep it cool, calm and collected and don't even let a hint of petulance or poutiness creep into your voice.

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No, she's never tried it, with me or anyone else.

 

She *has* had TMJ from time to time in the past, but has not cited that as a reason. The only reason she's ever given is "she finds it repulsive" - meaning, the very idea of doing it, not that she's tried it and was grossed out.

 

Apart from the "I'll wash/trim/etc." right before, and "just try it for a few seconds even", and the obvious "I won't come in your mouth", I don't know what could be repulsive to her, and she won't get more specific.

 

About the TMJ thing... Like I said, she's never mentioned that, but if it was a concern (I'm pretty large) I have also told her in my conversations about it that I don't expect her to try to take me *completely* in her mouth, or if she'd prefer, not at all (just work from the outside, so to speak)...

 

Why would you want your wife to do something that she finds repulsive.

 

That will only turn her off.

 

As for you giving her oral. It is harder for a woman to orgasm only with penetration only.

 

Do you dislike giving her oral? If so you can find another way to help her reach orgasm.

 

If you can orgasm without oral sex, why force her to do oral?

 

If you can orgasm with penetration are your really willing to blow up your marriage for a blow job?

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Michelle ma Belle
20 years without a BJ? :(

 

I don't think she is going to change now but it is very sad. Have you tried a sex therapist?

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

Obviously that deal breaker you launched wasn't enough to break the deal if you're still with her and waiting for that BJ 20 years later :/

 

Personally I don't understand any of this but it seems to be an issue with so many couples anymore.

 

My thoughts? I doubt she'll ever change after all this time so the only advice I would also recommend is a sex therapist at this point.

 

Good luck.

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If you can orgasm with penetration are your really willing to blow up your marriage for a blow job?

 

Personally, oral sex is an okay thing for me, so I can't relate to the importance. Having said that, I guess when we have something that we are not allowed to have, then it becomes all the more desirable. I have had plenty of oral and I would rather finish inside of her. BJs seem selfish to me. Doing oral on her is different because she can orgasm over and over. Me it is a one and done, so oral is not high on the list.

 

My wife never really liked it either. She has done it to completion a couple of times, but she is willing to do some because she knows I won't let her finish.

 

My only suggestion is to ask her to play with it, then maybe lick it, and then see how it goes.

 

But as has been said, after this many years, I doubt that she will change.

 

The question is: do you want it that bad that you would get it elsewhere?

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lucy_in_disguise

I am wondering why it is suddenly a bigger issue after 20 years? You say it was a dealbreaker when you were getting married... have you been reminding her of this for the last 20 years with no results? After so long i feel like I would have made peace with the fact that its not her thing and focused instead on improving other areas where you may actually get some traction.

 

Its kind of ironic that you consider it so important as to have communicated it is a dealbreaker (never heard that one before) and married someone with 0 interest.

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BetheButterfly

OP,

 

You can't change her. She has to want to change and work on herself.

 

While I understand how it frustrates you, do you love her enough to sacrifice oral sex for her, or do you love oral sex more than her?

 

You could ask her, do you love me enough to give me oral sex even though you don't like it?

 

For example, I love my hubby but hate anal sex. While thankfully my husband knew that before we got married and has never asked, if he comes to the point of feeling desperate, I will do it for him if it's that important to him. One thing that really helps however in our relationship is that he is not an "anal sex guy" in that he has never shown any interest in it. Sexual compatibility is really helpful in marriage!!!

 

Is there a way you can make a deal with her to just try it, and you will do whatever she wants? Can y'all joke around with each other and have fun? Would lathering you up with honey or chocolate entice her to try oral on you? :) If you ask, will she smile and laugh at the thought or get mad?

Edited by BetheButterfly
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BetheButterfly
I'm not sure whether this would be entirely constructive (in other words, it could backfire like hell), but I'd be at least tempted to cut back on performing oral. If she asks about it, that would be a great opportunity to talk about sexual expectations. Just keep it cool, calm and collected and don't even let a hint of petulance or poutiness creep into your voice.

 

I love that... " don't even let a hint of petulance or poutiness creep into your voice" :)

 

You have great writing skills GorillaTheater!

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ShatteredLady

I like the honey or chocolate idea! I was going to suggest a flavored condom if she thinks it's gross.

 

This could sound like a silly question & I'm not sure how to word it... Does she think she has to stick it all the way into her throat? Is she frightened it's going to make her gag? Would promising not to 'push', to have her completely in control help?

 

If she's never done it then it's just the idea that she doesn't like. I've seen chats on forums "Ladies, why do you like giving bj's?" type threads. Maybe reading other women describe what it's like & why it's nice would help.

 

(I think this site has a forum like that)

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Hello,

 

Having read your post, I am very sorry that you are having this issue. I am sure that your wife loves you, but is your wife "in love with you"? Say, I know you mentioned that you have "also done the ubiquitous personal advice column repertoire of helping around the house, being intimate without sexual expectations, making her feel appreciated, etc. etc.", but do you think that there may be deeper issues at play here? Does she feel loved by you or does she feel like you are going through the motions? What kind of things did you do in the beginning of your relationship that caused her to fall in love with you?

Again, I am sorry that you are having these issues and I wish you the best. I will be praying for you. Kind regards, Kevin

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It's clearly NOT a dealbreaker if you haven't had a BJ from her in 20 years of marriage. When you said you did everything but intercourse before marriage... that's when you should have made sure she did it for you.. then if you saw her repulsion you could have ended things.

 

I can't understand why she wasn't honest and said she didn't like it before marriage.

 

I don't love giving my husband BJs. I feel like I'm chocking, but I do It because he loves it and I see how much pleasure it gives him. I don't let him finish in my mouth .... I find that horrible.....but left to him he'd try and sneakily do that.

 

There isn't a great deal of pleasure having a long object in your mouth TBH.

 

You've left it way too long to raise your supposed dealbreaker.

 

Options are :

1) You either continue marriage without it.

2) Remind her off the conversation 20 odd years ago

OR ...

3) divorce her.

 

How comfortable would you feel saying you're divorcing because she won't blow you?

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I'm a 48 year old woman with the same problem. My partner won't give me oral sex. We've been together 6 years, and in that whole time I think he's done it 3 times...only once to completion. And all those 3 times he was drunk.

 

I've asked him numerous times why he won't do it. I've had the 'I have to be in the mood', 'you have to ask me' etc...I've told him that I'm not going to ask every single time we have sex, he can take it as a standing order that I want it...nothing changes. It's the only certain way I can orgasm. At this point in time I've not had an orgasm during sex with him in at least two years...I told him if I wasn't getting it, neither was he. I've not given him oral sex in over a year. Petty? Probably, but I see it as being fair.

 

We aren't married and I've now got to the point where I don't want to be. I'm still in the relationship for the companionship alone...but I can't see us lasting much longer. There are other reasons, but our crap sex life is definitely one of the major ones.

 

I have no real advice to give, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. If you don't want to divorce her you will just have to accept that there isn't going to be any BJs in the future. Highly unlikely she is going to change her mind now.

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Has she ever been into sex or foreplay? Like really into it and not just going along with it?

 

This reads to me as someone who might not be all that interested in men sexually. I have a lesbian friend who hates the idea of dicks, and a gay friend who is repulsed by vaginas.

 

I just don't see how a straight women with her hormones in the right place, who hasn't been sexually abused, and has a man who is willing to come right out of the shower and have boundaries set, has never given him oral sex.

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So the problem is now obvious, right? She will not do it, not even try it, not with any "boundary" conditions at all agreed upon. I have, in the past, reminded her that I told her under no circumstances would I spend the rest of my life without it, before she agreed to marry me. I have, in a completely non-threatening and positive, communicative way, talked about how important it is to me, and that I am willing to make whatever adjustments are necessary, even if it meant only getting a short experience with it on the odd occasion.

 

This ship has sailed my friend, the time to address this was two decades, one marriage and a couple of kids ago. If you weren't going to have intercourse before marriage, BJ's would have been a natural option. Despite your demands, she didn't or wouldn't and yet you married her anyway. The choice was yours.

 

No one gets everything in a relationship so it's up to you if the glass is half empty or half full. Just to show you how ironic life can be, I had a discussion with my wife this week that she's giving me too many blow jobs because she's frustrated with her weight and struggles with confidence in her body image. I want the closeness of intercourse and the satisfaction of pleasing her, both of which I miss.

 

You might indeed convince you wife to visit a therapist. I wouldn't hold my breath, waiting for a change...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Has she ever been into sex or foreplay? Like really into it and not just going along with it?

 

This reads to me as someone who might not be all that interested in men sexually. I have a lesbian friend who hates the idea of dicks, and a gay friend who is repulsed by vaginas.

 

I just don't see how a straight women with her hormones in the right place, who hasn't been sexually abused, and has a man who is willing to come right out of the shower and have boundaries set, has never given him oral sex.

 

I was wondering the same thing as this poster. Does she handle you and touch you there, but just won't do oral, or does she not even fool around with it. When you mentioned that she doesn't like penetrative sex either, but does it for you, I wondered if she liked dicks at all. I mean if she wasn't going to do oral and doesn't like penetrative, what was she planning to do for you? I am amazed that you have lasted 20 years together, but since you have waited that long, I agree that ship sailed a long, long time ago. I do have to say that I really, really like giving my partner a BJ, but the thought of giving it to another guy grosses me out.

 

She is fortunate that you are so willing to do oral on her. I would imagine she is happy with your sex life, unfortunately it sounds like she wasn't willing to do anything extra for you. Although TMJ could be an issue, so far it isn't because she hasn't even tried to do oral on you. Sorry, but you are most likely going to have to keep having sex without a BJ. I would not start withholding from her, unless you want your sex life to go totally in the toilet. Sounds like she might be fine not even having sex.

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It's absurd that you have a "deal breaker" about this one act, yet married a woman who never once expressed any interest or desire or willingness to engage in it.

 

You got the wife you picked. There was no bait and switch. You were happy enough with her then to marry her. What changed?

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I'm a former OW and I've had several encounters with MM. Most were before the age of 21. I was seduced by one when I was 16 and he was in his 30s. I do have a more recent one in my past.

 

I'm not saying there were hundreds, but several. And down to the last one, that was their complaint. Wife thought it was disgusting and wouldn't even try it. Lack of blowjobs seems to be a leading cause for straying. Some sarcasm there.

 

As I got older and my personality emerged as an adult, I found that I dearly love giving pleasure to man who appears to enjoy it. So, I may not be the best looking woman on the block, but I'm exuberant as hell when it comes to blowjobs. Sadly, I can't breathe through my ears, so I'm not a huge fan of deep throating, but love to lick, suck, explore, write the alphabet on the head with my tongue.....

 

So, when I read your story, it makes me wince. I don't understand why a partner wouldn't even try or do something to make their partner feel outstanding. I don't understand that lack of....I don't even know what to call it.

 

I'd have another discussion with your wife. If she still won't try, ask her how she feels about an open marriage. Ask her how she feels about exploring swinging or swapping. Ask her if you can pay someone for oral sex.

 

Otherwise you are down to the big two choices. Accept it or divorce.

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Hi Over thinking, as Mr. Lucky said, that particular ship( Getting oral sex from your wife) sailed over two decades ago. What is the use of complaining about it now when so much time has elapsed and for some reason you did not enforce your deal breaker. Your wife probably is under the impression that inspite of your periodic complaint, in actual fact you are reconciled to not getting oral sex.

If you want things to change you have to change things. Maybe talk to your wife and propose some of the things that Ladu2163 has suggested. That would force your wife to honestly face the situation and decide what course of action she wants to take. I get the feeling that maybe you have found yourself an affair partner who is willing to gratify you in the manner that you want and you came to this forum to see if any of the members here would suggest that you do exactly this. That suggestion would give you the necessary moral support you need to go ahead in a guiltless manner with your clandestine pursuit and you would feel vindicated. Only you know what the actual situation is.

Lady2163, it seems ironic that on the one hand you enjoy giving oral sex to men and revel in their enjoyment of it and on the other hand there are guys like Over thinking, who are starved of oral sex and have to put up with recalcitrant wives who stubbornly refuse to oblige their husbands. Your graphic description of the manner in which you provided gratification to the men lucky to be the recipients of your skill must make men like Over thinking drool. However inspite of the skills you were not able to find yourself a partner for life who could be the beneficiary of your skills and in return, provide you the stability and companionship that you probably desire. You said you are now fifty years old and financially well off so maybe you should look out for a divorced man who complements your ideas and way of thinking. In any case I wish both you and Over thinking the very best for the future. Everyone deserves to have happiness and contentment as one grows older. Warm wishes

Edited by Just a Guy
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So, she never gave you a BJ before marriage, and none since either? Other than that, do you have a good sex life? After 20 years, I think you'd have adapted to this. You married her knowing she wouldn't, too. What were you doing before marriage since intercourse was off the agenda? Or were BJs on the menu then, but never since? It's unclear from your post.

 

If your sex life is otherwise good, and the marriage is otherwise good, you're not going to change things now. Carry on, is all I can suggest there. Or, you can stop giving her oral and wait until she asks why, and bring it up again. Of course, that runs the risk of damaging an otherwise acceptable sex life, which could then start you on the road to a divorce, I think.

 

If your sex life and/or marriage isn't good otherwise, I'd suggest divorce. My ex lost interest in sex overall as soon as we married, but she didn't have any particular acts she wouldn't do. Just the lack of any intimacy - not just sex - led me to decide to leave. For me, that was the best decision of my life, and I soon moved on the find my ideal match and have had an incredible sex life (and fantastic marriage otherwise) ever since.

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I can put myself in your shoes a bit so I can sort of understand why after 20 years this has become an issue.

 

First of all she is a little selfish in my opinion. You gladly go down on her everytime yet she, as a loving wife who knows how important it is can't reciprocate? She needs sex therapy or counseling to better understand what the hang up is. You can't do this alone. I would also argue that unless u cum in her mouth it's much more messy for u than for her.

 

Secondly it is NOT too late to turn this around. In fact MANY couples later in life will reinvent their sex life to spice it up and add excitement. Not only should she seek help with this, at the same time talk about other ways to spice up your sessions with her.

 

My wife and I are having the best sex of our lives right now although I am still working on the frequency. Married about 20 years. She too had certain hang ups but everytime we talked about it her or I would make some tweaks and sometimes it becomes so hot it's like when we first started dating. She thought she wasn't good at giving BJs and so she rarely gave them. After she read some articles she has become very good, has increase her confidence and now she gives them everytime. She even let's me cum in her mouth which is the greatest feeling ever - better than intercourse.

 

So I know how important it is to some men. It's obvious though u guys were incompatible from the get go. She barely likes sex and u are the complete opposite. Get that help she needs. It's not too late.

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