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Immature and controlling fiancee - Am I weak?


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Read a very similar thread a while ago and felt like sharing this to you. I've been with my fiancee for 8 years. We have two healthy kids, we both have good jobs (she is actually on parental leave) and our own house, two cars. I'm an entrepreneur and my business is doing well. We have no money issues at all.

 

When we first met, I never had a girlfriend before. We've met online and started dating after a few weeks.

 

Just before we met, I used to smoke weed once in a while. Not everyday, only during weekends. She made it clear that she was against it so I did the sacrifice: I stopped to please her. So I never smoked during the relationship (except a few times, behind her back, while hanging with my friends). I stopped as soon as we started dating because she said that if she ever found out that I'd smoke weed, she would leave me.

 

So in the beginning of our relationship, I wanted to be honest. I told her that I smoked a blunt with a couple friends. She was so angry! She threatened to leave. In our beginnings, I was a weak person. I cried in front of her, begged her to stay. When I look back, I'm so embarrassed of what I did, lol. That was so pathetic... I hate thinking about this era when I was like this. By doing this, I think that I allowed her to control me. She gave me the cold shoulder for a whole week then threatened me to leave if I smoke again.

 

We're now both in our 30s, engaged, and I miss smoking. I started drinking beer on a almost daily basis a few years ago - a bad habit - like cracking one open as soon as I'm back from work. Gained a few pounds but I'm easily able to skip a few weeks of alcohol so I'm not addicted. During weekends, I watch movies or play video games alone in my home office when everybody in the house is asleep. This is honestly my favorite moment of the week. I remember when I was not with her. Smoked a bowl alone in my bedroom, played online games, and enjoyed the hell out of it. I miss those days!

 

I told my close friends about this situation and they are like "you allow her to control your life? You ask permission?" I can't go out often because she gets angry and do not let me go out, making me feel guilty like "ok so you work all week long, I'm at home taking care of the kids and you want to go out to drink with your friends? NO". So if I decide to go, she'll get angry and give me the cold shoulder for a few days.

 

Recently, I started talking about pot. Tried to convince her that it is not as bad as she thinks. She said you will never smoke weed. I tried to ask her why she doesn't want me to smoke and she said "I have no reason to give you / i don't need to give you a reason, you will not smoke end of discussion". One time she said "If you smoke, I'll leave you, you'll pay child support!".

 

 

So I saw a close friend who gave me a gram or so. I tried something. I tried to get her approval. I know, this is silly. I'm 33 and I am being controled by her. I hid the biggest chunk of weed out of the house and put a tiny amount in a bag. I said look what i've found on the sidewalk and showed her the bag with the tiny bud. She ordered me to give it to her. I said no. While I was away she went snooping around in my office and found it. When I found out, I took it back. She stopped talking to me, threw the engagement ring at me and said "**** off, do what you want, sell it and go buy drugs." She even told it to my parents! Cmon! They know I used to smoke and they had no problem with it.

 

We haven't talked for days. She is pissed off at me. I know she went snooping in my office again, she tried to find it. But she couldn't.

 

Honestly I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped when I can't do what I want to because of her control issues. But on the other side, she's a good person, she can be generous but she is a control freak and I HATE being controlled. She rarely makes sacrifices. Everything has to be her way. She must always be right and will argue non-stop until I give up. Other negative points: no sex life (once every 3 months or so), no shared passion. She has no friends.

 

I don't even know why she's against it - there is no way to know. "No, I won't give you any reason, I said NO". She doesn't smoke pot or drink.

 

I need some advice. I don't think she will change.

 

Would you smoke behind her back?

If so, should I feel guilty?

(Lack of sex makes me jerk off behind her back and don't feel guilty about it at all lol)

 

Or would you confront her and do it anyway and risk losing?

Counseling is out of the question. I approached this subject and it was a big NO.

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Is one of her parents controlling?

If yes, I bet it's her dad.....

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Yes, her dad is a control freak. He's a muslim but she's not. She don't really like him and keeps on hiding stuff from him. Like the fact that we were together. He learned that she had a boyfriend when she gave birth of our first son!

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This is how it's playing out, in her subconscious.

 

"My dad is a control freak. I hate him. look at how weak my mother is, she is his subordinate, and is firmly under his thumb. Well, I will NEVER be that woman to any man! Hell will freeze over before I let anyone control me the way my dad does my mom, or tried to control me!"

 

So instead of being controlled - she controls.

 

Try telling her that her behaviour reminds you EXACTLY of what her dad is like.

 

And stand back from the fireworks of vehement denial that will doubtless follow....

But you will have touched a nerve.

 

I guarantee it.

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Why are you even still together?

 

Besides the smoking issue, it doesn't even sound as though you like her very much anymore.

 

Little sex, no passion, no common interests, you feel trapped...and then you decide to get married? I realize there are children involved. But they will soon catch on that their parents aren't happy together. and they will be affected by a tense home environment.

 

This isn't a healthy relationship.

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I understand that she has controlling issues that may come from her family but still I wouldn't suggest that you tell her that she reminds you of her father, that will make things only worse. If you want to talk about that issue you should do it more diplomaticaly and not make it seem that you attack her. Tell her that you would like to talk and say that you feel unconfortable when she is trying to control you.suggest to try to change her way of voicing her opinion. Etc.

Also, I would like to tell you how I see it from her point of view. I don't know the whole story but I guess over the years she has lost her friends and hobbies due to the kids, maybe she feels neglected and that she is the only one responsible for the house and kids. On top of that you may come back from work only to relax. If any of that is true I would suggest that you have a serious talk. Try to understand her position. Tell her to go out or take her out. Help with the house and kids more. I would be againt smoking myself. I don't like the idea and I think it can get easily out of control. Just like daily beer. But if you work on your other problems I believe that you could reach a compromise at a point. I would also like to adress the me and my friends vs my fiancee. Not only it's an unhealthy way of thinking it can cause major problems.

Try to better your communication issues. I can see many problems and if you dont adress them like adults they will only get worse.

Good luck

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You have young kids and she probably doesn't want them to figure out that you're smoking weed and setting that example, or has fears of you becoming reliant on it. You knew she was against drugs before you married her. I don't think telling you that she doesn't want a husband who smokes is that controlling. It's not my value, but I can see why someone would have it and wouldn't want it to be part of their family especially with young children. If her father is muslim she probably grew up in a very conservative household.

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She never really had friends. She spends most of her time on facebook. I help out a lot in the house. When I come back from work, I take 100% of the kids duty while she lays on the couch on her computer.

 

There is no compromise with her. Black or white.

 

She rarely cook. House is a mess unless I do the cleaning. She do the laundry and some other stuff but I do alot. Most of the time I come back from work and there is no dinner even planned.

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I see. That's sad. When do you spend quality time together?

I will stick to the need of talking with her. You have complaints from her and her from you.

Sit her down with no yelling and fighting, just a conversation about your issues, feeling, expectations and possible solutions.

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ok a few things:

1) you drink everyday-- are you developing an addiction? ( you may not be, but it sounds like you are heading in that direction by using alcohol to deal with stress/strife etc. if so bud is not good either

2) if she is from a conservative muslim family, drugs are a not gonna fly with her.ever.period. I'm surprised she isnt upset about the alcohol too

3) daddy issues- need I say more

4) she's a control freak, there is no intimacy, you shouldn't marry her, if you have this many problems now, they will only worsen with marriage.

I recommend you get out now and live your life. find someone with the same likes/hobbies as you and find real love. good luck

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ShatteredLady

Married or not you're a family. You've fallen into a deep, dark hole & communication is the only hope that you have.

 

Do you live in a state where pot is illegal? If not, do you have a prescription? She can probably stop you seeing your kids if you smoke even after you've split-up!!

 

If we could turn back time I'd be asking you why on earth you were planning to spend your life with someone with such different interests!!

 

To be honest even if you're BOTH people who like drinking, partying, smoking & staying-up half the night playing computer games that changes once you have kids. You do sound a bit like you're mourning your teens & parents basement. It's unacceptable for her to treat you like that though. You should of talked about this like grown-ups & be having a 'once in a blue moon' agreement.

 

Playing on computers can be as damaging & addictive as anything else. I KNOW!! You say it's your 'happy time'. Does your wife go to bed or watch 'her shows' while you play in your office? Different bed times can kill sex life.

 

Are you SURE she wouldn't go to MC even if she knew how tenuous your relationship now is? It seems like she's committed to control & youre 'anything for a quiet life' & it's just not going to work without help!

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ShatteredLady

Is she depressed? The way you talk about her behavior, Facebook, family activities etc makes her sound very unhappy in her life. How often do you play together as a couple & family?

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Realize that you are in control. You're the one with the job at the moment. You're the father to her kids. Tell her you work hard enough to support the family and if you want to go out every now and then you will. You're not going out with friends and neglecting your family, so this isn't an abnormal thing.

 

Don't tell her about the pot. Just do it on the DL and forget about trying to make her ok with it. Some people are just narrow minded and can't see that it's harmless. I wouldn't do it in the house because of the kids tho. That being said, if smoking a bowl and playing video games is the best part of your week then you're dating the wrong woman and it's not going to end well or you'll be miserable you're whole life.

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Honestly, while I think your fiancee is handling things very poorly, I also think you were 50% responsible for the current situation. You already knew her stance on recreational drugs from the start. YOU chose to continue dating her and chose to agree to ditch the drugs, instead of leaving due to incompatibility.

 

Of course as a grown man you do not need her approval to do whatever you wish, but similarly as a grown woman she does not need your approval to divorce you if she disagrees with what you do. You've known about drugs being a dealbreaker for her for years and yet had a child with her - you very much made your own bed. You can't exactly blame her for not changing her mind about pot 8 years down the road - don't get with someone hoping to change them.

 

I think you should each go your separate ways if you both have such polar opposite views on drugs and aren't willing to discuss them civilly.

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While you sound seriously immature, I'd say that she does indeed seem extremely controlling. The two of you have more of a parent/child relationship than anything.

 

While I think the drug and alcohol thing is pretty juvenile, you need to either accept her wish to end the relationship, or get back with her with new ground rules. You should not ever have to ask to do anything. Relationships require more of a "hey, I was thinking of going out with the guys on Thursday; we don't have anything planned, right?" kind of thing.

 

The no sex thing is another huge issue. Other than the kids, I'm not sure why you want to be in a relationship with her.

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I think it's extremely disrespectful to bring drugs into your children and wife's home. It's fricken illegal and harmful.

 

I would have asked you to leave the house immediately. She has every right to tell you not to bring drugs into her home.

 

She deserves better.

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Reminds me of my first serious BF. He smoked weed before we met and I told him that I wouldn't go out with him smoking that stuff. It's not my way of life and I have no desire to be with a guy who smokes it.

 

He stopped smoking weed.. as he was really into me... he still smoked cigarettes and I could just about manage that.

 

If your desire to smoke weed is greater than your love for your fiancée ....then go ahead and smoke it. At the same time realise that your relationship is over and as she said start paying child support.

 

Whatever her reasons are.. and mine were simply that I didn't want a guy who smoked weed and I find such things to be addictive in nature... it's no more than that.

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I only responded to the weed part ...but reading everything else your relationship doesn't sound like much fun at all.

 

Minimal sex

Messy house

Not going out with your own friends

 

None of those are accepted situations and will lead to resentment. You shouldn't be getting married with all these problems at all.

 

Whilst I hold my views regarding weed.. you need to put your foot down and take charge.

 

There's no harm in going out with your friends now and again. .. she should also get out as well. It's not healthy to just live within the 4 walls.

 

If I were you... I'd go out with friends.. if she ignores you...tough. just take the kids out and have fun if she's being moody. Offer her to come along.. if not..you take them to a play centre... feed them and when you get home.. ...bath them.

 

She'll be the one to miss out on the fun. BTW if your sex life stays like this..... you'll end up looking elsewhere.

 

Marriage in this rocky relationship is a very bad idea.

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Illegal or not, do you realize that you are trying to pick a substance over your family?

 

 

That alone would send me to a rehab.

 

 

She has boundaries. She told you her boundaries from the get go. You agreed to abide by her boundaries. Now on the eve of marriage, two kids & a house later you want to change the rules & you're mad because all these years later her clear fully expressed boundaries aren't changing.

 

 

She is not controlling. You are being controlled by your addiction.

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People are so hardcore over pot who don't understand it. I'm a daily user so I'm biased, but education might help here.

 

Maybe point out how drinking effects ppl vs pot. Maybe get high and don't tell her to prove that most people can't even tell when someone is high.

I don't know, weed has helped me so much with anxiety, I could never be with someone who forbade it.

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