Difficulty in handling wife's rape

[jw1979]

My wife has recently told me that, on a business trip a few years ago, she was raped in her hotel room. She was awoken by a noise in her room and saw an intruder undressing. She immediately realised what he had in mind. As she was afraid of being harmed, she waited until he pulled back the covers, lay back with her eyes shut, and "presented" herself for him. He apparently just laughed when he saw this, called her a whore, and got into bed. She silently endured a short and frantic first rape, followed by a protracted second rape where he kept stopping on the point of ejaculation until the urge passed, just to make it last longer. Afterwards, when she was sure he had gone, she washed herself thoroughly. The next day, she visited a clinic to get a morning after pill and, to my shock, processed with her all-day business meeting. And, unknown to me, she visited our own doctor for some weeks afterwards to check for STDs. I recall her being tense and us having no sex life at that point, but I put it down to stress at her work.

 

When she told me all these years later, it was clear to me that she was genuinely upset, but I personally have to admit to some shock myself at how she handled it. I know she is a strong and level headed woman and, when she explained her reasoning, it's hard to fault it - she let him rape her to avoid harm, there was no evidence of violence, or of sexual activity at all as she'd washed away any DNA evidence, there was little of no chance of catching the rapist (assuming the police would even be interested - she was in one of the less safe East European counties at the time - apologies if that's considered an -ism or a -phobia, but that's the way it is). And, if she'd described the sequence of events that I have above, her lack of a struggle would just see the whole incident dismissed as as one night stand or, more damningly, prostitution. So rather than see her reputation damaged, and possibly her career too, she decided there was no point in pursuing it.

 

I can understand this, but I am stunned at how she could be so analytical in the moment. Being raped should be the most horrific thing to ever happen to a woman. She just calmly lay there and let this animal have his way - twice - then pretty much airbrushed the whole incident from her mind. I know this shouldn't be about me or stupid male pride, but all I can see in my mind is this scumbag pulling down the blankets, my wife presenting her sex to him, him laughing as he mounts her and energetically violates her - and all the time her just lying their quietly with her eyes shut waiting for him to climax and insult her body further with his filth. And the next day it's just a case of popping a pill to stop any of his sperm hitting the bullseye, then back to business-as-usual? Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to see her harmed, but surely some resistance should have been offered? He didn't appear to have a weapon, she could have screamed as there were others in the hotel - how could she just accept rape so meekly?

[basil67]

Oh your poor wife. I haven't been raped, but if struggle could result in my death, I too would probably choose life.

 

Edited to add: I suggest you speak with a rape counsellor and learn the psychology behind your wife's reaction.

[xxoo]

She survived. She made the right choices.

 

How horrific. She's truly a survivor!

[todreaminblue]

rape hurts more when you fight...every muscle in your body is tense ...including down there and it hurts.....it also can cause more damage internally and externally...one reason why a gyno will tell you to relax and tries to soothe you before a gyno exam.....as a guy you couldnt imagine what it would be like to tense and fight and be raped anyway unless of course you have been raped then you would know........i have decided if it ever happens again to me i will fight harder and not give up.....i know why women dont fight......and its survival.....

 

i feel for you and i feel for her carrying this around with her for years ...not being dealt with...i need to pull you up on the raped meekly thing though......theres nothing meek about rape even if you dont fight you have no idea the inner turmoil and unheard screams that happen....the inner fight....you really dont know....i dont blame you..but please dont think its meekness to endure a rape....a lot of women go silent....with shock and trauma both physical and psychological pain during and after the rape

 

 

please seek counselling and professional help as soon as you both can....i wish you both well...i wish you both peace....deb

[stillafool]

I'm a victim of rape and I responded almost the same way as your wife except he had a gun to my head the entire time. WhY? Because I didn't want to be beaten and shot on top of being raped. You don't know what you will do when your life is threatened and you shouldn't judge her. She wanted to live.

[BlueIris]

How very sad. I just want to hug her. It just brings such an immediate visceral response. Your poor wife.

 

I want to hug you too, StillAFool. Such a horrendous thing. You are an amazing, strong person.

[lollipopspot]

surely some resistance should have been offered? He didn't appear to have a weapon, she could have screamed as there were others in the hotel - how could she just accept rape so meekly?

 

oh how terrible for you to have to deal with what you see as your wife's inadequate response to being attacked.

 

You're victimizing her a second time.

[LivingWaterPlease]

jw, I'm so sorry for both you and your wife in this.

 

As a woman I totally understand how your wife handled the situation and believe I would have done the same to save my life.

 

I believe it took great strength to cope with it the way she did. I can assure you she most likely disassociated from it while it was taking place. So, in that sense he didn't have her.

 

Yes, it's awful, but she really had no choice. Had she fought him it would probably have made the experience more exciting for him and he would have done it anyway so in that sense she kept from him what little she was able to. I believe her coping method was more effective at preserving herself, physically and emotionally, than fighting him would have been.

 

I'm not sure I could have faced a work day afterwards, but kudos to her that she was able to.

[SoleMate]

The fact is, there is really no good, safe course of action for a woman who has been raped. No matter who she tells, many are likely to put her in the wrong and blame her. Being Silenced: The Impact of Negative Social Reactions on the Disclosure of Rape

Look at your own reaction....immediate disbelief, criticism, suspicion and accusation.

 

Police typically advise not fighting back against rape, as it may increase the danger of serious injury. "Rape is always considered a life threatening event." http://www.fightsafe.com/pdf/W-Tips-rev.pdf This is due to the fact that some small percentage of rapists go on to murder their victim. (Couldn't find the figure but I'm recalling roughly 2% for stranger rape.)

 

It's not clear that police in any particular country will be sympathetic or capable of investigating this crime. Depending on the country, a successful rape prosecution might require the woman to show that she resisted violently. (The mere fact that a stranger broke into her bedroom may not be enough to prosecute.) You didn't name the Eastern European country, but just taking Hungary as an example, their laws are "in urgent need of reform" to protect women. https://www.amnesty.org/download/Documents/64000/eur270032007en.pdf A Hungarian woman judge said, "“I have worked as a judge for 20 years, but to tell you the truth, I myself would not report rape. It is very difficult because of the procedures, the attitudes, and social conventions. It is the victim who has to defend and prove everything.”

 

I recommend that you and your wife both get treatment on sexual assault survivor's issues.

[ShatteredLady]

I've never been the sort of woman who reads a lot of women's magazines or watch Oprah etc. I don't know how I have this information in my brain but even I know it's best NOT to fight back in most situations!

 

Shock & life threatening situations do the strangest things to the mind. You NEVER know until you are there. I've had some horrible experiences in my life & still can't wrap my head around my reactions.

 

....After receiving the phone call that my beloved, very close only brother had committed suicide my husband had to stop me getting ready to go to work. I could hardly talk & just kept repeating "Got to get my makeup on or I'll be late!". If he wasn't there I would of gotten into the car & driven!!

 

 

Whatever you're doing here... Whatever is going through your mind to be saying these things.... Whatever is going on with you... STOP!!

 

I understand your shock & pain but what's with those observations? Why are you thinking like this?

 

I was expecting this post to be about a really sympathetic husband terrified of initiating sex or speaking advise on how to help his wife heal.

 

 

I don't know what you're really thinking & questioning? I'm very concerned. Reading your op made me feel horrible & TRULY sorry for your wife...not just because of the rape.

PLEASE. This is one of the most horrific things that a human being can endure. This is about your wife. She's opened-up & told you. Rise! Please rise!