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Manipulated Into Marriage...


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My wife and I tied the knot on Halloween after only 3 months of dating. I felt an instant almost surreal connection with her. We are 28 and 29. Prior to that day, we had an extremely healthy sex life. She eagerly pursued me intimately, and often wanted some form of sexual release multiple times a day. This all changed, literally ON our wedding day. I've always been a selfless lover and she achieves orgasm easily.

 

Now my wife appears to have ZERO sex drive, interest in being touched, or touching me. This has gone on for the whole 2 months of our marriage. The few times we have been intimate, she acted like it was a chore and she hated it.

 

I've tried talking to her about it on like 5 or 6 occasions. I've told her how this change has me worried, self conscious. That I miss connecting with her and our passion. I've never shown anger or hostility about it.

 

I'm amazing to her. I love her, treat her with respect, take care of her and her kids. I always communicate my feelings to her, support her in anything she wants, she comes first to me.

 

Every time I've asked her why our intimacy changed, she has given me different reasons. Such as; self esteem issues, she doesn't feel well, is tired, has been stressed. Last night she laid on me that when we make love it has always just been sex to her and about getting off. She feels connected to me when we cuddle etc etc and doesn't care about or need sex, nor does she feel more connected to me when we are having sex. I was thoroughly disgusted. How can someone profess to love me, yet feel nothing but the need to orgasm if we are going to make love? AND suddenly on our wedding day and after no longer want sex?

 

I'm beginning to feel like she manipulated me into marriage, that she pretended to be someone she is not. Now here I am going to school, the primary care provider to her 2 kids (whom I love very much), and taking care of all of her needs...even bathing her...while she acts like we aren't even married anymore. I'm becoming seriously depressed. What is going on? What do I do?

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She didn't manipulate you into anything. You made a stupid decision. There are reasons that people advice not even proposing until you have known somebody for at least a year & this is a big one. You can't think that deciding to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with somebody you have known for a mere 90 days was a brilliant idea.

 

 

Just file for divorce & be done with it.

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She didn't manipulate you into anything. You made a stupid decision. There are reasons that people advice not even proposing until you have known somebody for at least a year & this is a big one. You can't think that deciding to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with somebody you have known for a mere 90 days was a brilliant idea.

 

 

Just file for divorce & be done with it.

 

I would have written almost exactly the same post.

 

You were not "manipulated" - check.

Wait a year before even CONSIDERING a marriage - check.

You jumped in without knowing this person - check.

File for divorce - check.

 

OP, you don't love this woman - you love who you thought she was and that was based on a honeymoon period that clouds perspective and insight. Unless you want another 40 or 50 years of what you are experiencing now, just call it quits while you can.

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We were friends and roommates for 10 months, before we started dating. It was strictly platonic until after our first date.

Makes no difference; you didn't know her "intimately" for a full year - to comprehend the ebbs-and-flows of her sexuality. That only comes about with a full year - or more! - of getting to know someone.

 

Your honeymoon period clouded your judgment.

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I've known her for almost a year and a half. We've lived together that entire time and spent every day together. We quickly became best friends and after 10 months she asked me on a date. Yes we didn't date for a long period of time...but that means nothing. My grandparents dated for a month and were happily married 60 years, my parents knew each other for 4 months and are happily married 41 years later. My sister married someone she dated for 3 years, they divorced after less than a year.

 

Filing for divorce and giving up is not an option. I want to do everything possible to make our marriage work.

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We were friends and roommates for 10 months, before we started dating. It was strictly platonic until after our first date.

 

 

So apparently she enjoys being your platonic roommate. You now know this. Anticipating that there won't be a sex life that suits your needs you can accept the situation & solider on in your imposed celibacy; you can whine about it; or you can divorce. What you can't do is change her.

 

 

There isn't anything for you to do to make your marriage work if she won't participate. If she lied to you about her intent you may be able to get it annulled.

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My grandparents dated for a month and were happily married 60 years, my parents knew each other for 4 months and are happily married 41 years later. My sister married someone she dated for 3 years, they divorced after less than a year.

Wrong analogy. For all you know, your grandfather had the exact same problem with sex from your grandmother but that was era that people stayed together, regardless.

 

Sadly, we live in a throw-away culture and relationships are top of the list of things that get discarded.

 

If you want a happy marriage, I would recommend you read "Five Languages of Love" and have your new wife read it as well. You may have to resign yourself to a sexless marriage - as many people did in their marriages fifty years ago - and deal with the hand that you have been dealt.

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We were friends and roommates for 10 months, before we started dating. It was strictly platonic until after our first date.

 

Would have been good to know in your first post though it doesn't invalidate the advice you've been given. When you say dated 90 days, folks make certain assumptions.

 

What was your wife's financial situation before you married. Do you both work? Is there a citizenship aspect to the marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

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dreamingoftigers
I've known her for almost a year and a half. We've lived together that entire time and spent every day together. We quickly became best friends and after 10 months she asked me on a date. Yes we didn't date for a long period of time...but that means nothing. My grandparents dated for a month and were happily married 60 years, my parents knew each other for 4 months and are happily married 41 years later. My sister married someone she dated for 3 years, they divorced after less than a year.

 

Filing for divorce and giving up is not an option. I want to do everything possible to make our marriage work.

 

Apparently it DOES mean something.

 

How in the world is filing for divorce "not an option" when you've only been married since October?

 

Now is when you file!

 

Great for your grandparents and parents.

Guess who isn't them? You and your wife.

 

There's a reason people wait. Whose to say the early parts of those marriages weren't ridiculously, stupidly rough. You werent present for either one. Who's to say no one settled? Or they did click intimately?

 

Clearly you and your wife DON'T.

My husband pulled a similar bait and switch, but this early on it wasn't anywhere near as bad. You're screwed if you don't ditch this. And not in the fun way.

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This woman promised you an active sex life by her willingness to perform.

 

 

She pulled the old bait and switch on you.

 

 

This indicates she is broken and wanted to lock you into a relationship to a parent to her spawn and provide income.

 

 

Wake up and smell the coffee. Divorce her ASAP.

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Standard-Fare

OP, I don't understand how you can both 1) want to work on maintaining this marriage and 2) believe this woman is so deceitful that she deliberately misrepresented herself as a sex fiend in the past in order to seal the marriage.

 

#2 goes against a lot of things you need to make a marriage work: trust, a high opinion of each other, belief that you started out on a true foundation of love... etc etc.

 

I'm not even necessarily agreeing with your suggestion here that your wife purposely manipulated you into marriage. It would take a very insecure, emotionally unstable person to do that, to go through the motions of endless sex she didn't enjoy one bit for months.

 

Do you really believe your wife is that type of person, or could there be other stuff going on here? Is it possible, for example, that she got hit by a major depression after the reality of the marriage set in?

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ShatteredLady

My question was going to be "Is she depressed?" too. It's pretty common for there to be an anticlimax after the wedding. It's lots of excitement & planning.

Could she be pregnant? Has she started any new medications or changed birth control? Have you taken on any big financial stresses? These are all big things that effect a woman's libido.

 

I'm assuming that she's legitimate & not deceiving you in any way. If you love & TRUST this lady be sensitive, research & help.

I'm a woman who needs all the kisses, snuggles & cuddles without sex to want it....hope that makes sense! I hate no contact unless it's sex time.

 

Any woman with serious libido issues I would advise to see a hormone SPECIALIST (not the gp test) to have a complete work-up. It's made all the difference to some of my friends.

 

It will always ebb & flow. That's life but it's not normal for a woman to suddenly flip from one extreme to another without a reason.

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dreamingoftigers
Great sex! How could it be otherwise?

 

That's why I married quickly.

 

Don't get married quickly for that.

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That's why I married quickly.

 

Don't get married quickly for that.

 

I don't see any other reason for marrying a woman... :)

You know, in the old days, people would marry just to have their first sex.

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This woman promised you an active sex life by her willingness to perform.

 

 

She pulled the old bait and switch on you.

 

 

This indicates she is broken and wanted to lock you into a relationship to a parent to her spawn and provide income.

 

 

Wake up and smell the coffee. Divorce her ASAP.

 

This right here. She posed as something else in order to get what she wanted. Now that she's got it, what you want doesn't matter anymore.

 

The same thing happened to me, so I've been there. I tolerated it for five years before she cheated on me. That's when I finally grew a pair and kicked her to the curb.

 

Talk to an attorney, see if you can get your marriage annulled. If not, divorce.

 

And never get married again! That $h!t is bad medicine. :)

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Makes no difference; you didn't know her "intimately" for a full year - to comprehend the ebbs-and-flows of her sexuality. That only comes about with a full year - or more! - of getting to know someone.

 

Your honeymoon period clouded your judgment.

 

I agree with this. I once read that the honeymoon period lasts for two years due to hormones. Couples truly get to know each other after that ends.

 

Marrying so quickly was taking a huge gamble.

Some fast marriages work out but those cases are quite rare.

 

Hubbybear, you can probably still get an annulment after such a short marriage. I think that your wife pretended to be very sexual in order to get you to marry her, but that doesn't mean that you had no choice but to jump into marriage just because of great sex.

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Uh...get a divorce. Or annulled. There is nothing in here that screams manipulation. You just jumped into because 'woo sex' and it was a pretty quick decision. So she may be coming to the realization that 'woof this was not a smart idea' and may be trying to throw the brakes down. Or she just wanted to marry you for the financial support. Regardless you suspect her of that so you will be resentful, making the marriage terrible.

 

 

Sex ebbs and flows in a relationship. If that is such a big deal to you, you really should be dating a year or 2 before making such a significant decision.

 

 

Best of luck - but talk to a lawyer ASAP. Sooner the better so you don't owe her anything.

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Uh...get a divorce. Or annulled. There is nothing in here that screams manipulation. You just jumped into because 'woo sex' and it was a pretty quick decision. So she may be coming to the realization that 'woof this was not a smart idea' and may be trying to throw the brakes down. Or she just wanted to marry you for the financial support. Regardless you suspect her of that so you will be resentful, making the marriage terrible.

 

 

Sex ebbs and flows in a relationship. If that is such a big deal to you, you really should be dating a year or 2 before making such a significant decision.

 

 

Best of luck - but talk to a lawyer ASAP. Sooner the better so you don't owe her anything.

 

"Woo sex" :laugh:

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Are you sure she wasn't just looking for someone to help her raise her children, FINANCIALLY speaking???

 

Are you sure she is not cheating on you?

 

File for divorce. Seriously.

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Well speaking to her hasn't helped.. so

 

either live this misery and accept it

or tell her you want an open marriage

Or get divorced

 

I think she enjoyed the roomate situation.... would she have a problem with you getting it elsewhere?

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Are you sure she wasn't just looking for someone to help her raise her children, FINANCIALLY speaking???

Are you sure she is not cheating on you?

 

File for divorce. Seriously.

 

This is a good question.

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