How to save my marriage

[El Prado]

Hi! I need some advice.

 

I'm in this relationship since 2010. We're both in our thirties. In this year of 2015, we got married and moved in together.

 

Well, it comes out that I'm disappointed with many things in our relationship. I feel it is not how it was supposed to be.

 

We both have jobs. So we don't have much free time to clean the house (like doing the dishes and sweeping the floor). We agreed that we were going to share it all by 50%. It occurs that usually I perform 80% to 90% of everything that has to be done in the house. Once in a while, I ask my wife, politely, to help me, so that we can help each other. Then she helps me a little bit, but in a few days it comes back to the previously situation in which I do almost all the stuff.

 

There's also a financial problem: she spends much more money than I do. Sometimes I think that I'm the only one who cares about the future.

 

Last but not least, the sex has been awful. We do it 3 or 4 times per month, never more than this. And every time I must almost beg for it. I would like to try some new stuff too (just some new positions, nothing weird), but she accepts only the missionary position.

 

Some of you must be wondering: was she like this before the marriage? No, she wasn't. At least not completely. In the first years of our relationship, she did a lot of effort to build a life for two. We used to have sex daily - sometimes more than once every day. Then it became less frequent, and I thought it happened because of her very demanding job, and it would get better when she was better established in her office. I was wrong. Now she's in a very good position, and our life together only got worse.

 

I don't want to get a divorce. I love this woman. All I want to know is how to have a more complete life in every possible way. A life with her. And how I should act in order to help her to feel the same way, so that we can have a good future together.

[Marc878]

Both of you need to read "His Needs, Her Needs". It takes two to make a marriage. If you're pulling most of the load this will get old fast.

 

It's very apparent you aren't the doormat type which is a huge benefit.

 

I'd be firm on expectations up front and deal with this pronto.

 

Your discussion should be: I'm going to do my part and you have to do yours. Period

[Poutrew]

I must say this - are you sure, absolutely sure, there is no hanky panky going on with her at the office? Becoming disinterested in sex with the spouse is one of the signs that the other spouse is having an affair (she is protecting her lover). Does she work late? Would it be unreasonable of you the put a GPS in her car? Would she notice if you dropped a small USB voice recorder in her purse, or at the least put one in her car? Does she lock her phone or use it often while she is at home, but quickly switches it (or her computer) off when you get too close? Any unexplained bruises on her body, or does she groom her nether region excessively? Now, before you ask, please remember, this is Loveshack for goodness sake . Everyone here is here for a usually sad reason...

[lolablue17]

Did the change (before vs after the wedding) happen quickly? Because for sometime I've developed a personal theory about men and women, who makes a lot of efforts towards their spouses until the wedding, or the engagement.

 

It looks like they partly pretend to be someone who is not their real personality, and they hold this mask until they are settled, then their real character is revealed.

 

Because I so often hear the phrases of the surprised spouse: "It's odd how did he\she change, suddenly (or quickly) after the wedding". To that I answer: He\she did not change at all. This is the 'real' them. What you've seen before was partially fake. Because you've ignored things that would imply that change in advance.

[Gloria25]

Do marital counseling...

 

And, get a counselor who will focus on stuff that a "pre-marital" counselor will focus on (finances, division of labor, sex, etc.).

 

Also, please, don't knock her up.

 

I'm sorry, but "love" isn't always the cure for everything. I mean, what do you "love" about her after all the things you mentioned?

 

Yes, the first few years of a marriage is where you two sorta have some trial/tribulations cuz you're trying to bond as a couple - especially if you did it right and didn't "shack-up". Now, since you're under the same roof, you're getting to learn about each other and who you really are. That's why I believe people should wait 2-3 years after officially "married" to bond as a married couple before kids come into the pictures.

 

Next time do premarital counseling, cuz I believe that the issues you discussed (sex, division of labor, etc would have been brought up and discussed cuz a counselor isn't emotionally invested like the couple and has no fear in brining up these types of practical topics).

 

I wonder if you married her just cuz you two get along and it's been like 2 years dating and figured "marriage" was the next step . Sorry, that doesn't make a lasting marriage. Again, next time do pre-marital counseling.

 

Oh, BTW, I don't see this working out even if you do the pre-marital counseling. With dual income/working couples, both people are putting in 9 to 5 and come home with nothing left. Running a home and being there waiting on your SO with a hot meal and ready for "lovin" is hard to do when you work full-time and/or have kids. I'm not saying it can be done, but gets hard at times. Also, IMO, dual income/working couples (especially women) don't prioritize cooking, sex - stuff that makes a "house" a "home" as a priority..hence, her not fufilling her end of the bargain. Go get a woman with some "old fashioned/traditional" values/beliefs that actually believe in being a "woman/lover" (not a "roommate/partner").

 

Good luck!!!

[d0nnivain]

When I 1st got married a dear friend of mine gave me advice. For a happy marriage hire a housekeeper & try not to have financial problems.

 

 

Since you both work & she's a spender you have some disposable income. Use it to ease the pressure. Once DH & I hired people to do a big major clean a lot of the pressure on our relationship eased up. It was such a relief & I was able to let go of a lot of resentment.

 

 

Next or maybe before you hire the housekeeper sit down together & make a budget. Figure out how much money you have & where it all goes. If you want to save more, add it into the budget. Don't forget to set up a Fun Money line item so she can still spend because shopping makes her happy.

 

 

With those pressures addressed, you will probably find more time for love making. BTW, do you still romance her or do you just sort of expect sex is a given?

[dichotomy]

As someone mentioned - if you have the money a cleaning company or maid service can help. As long as you both share the costs. Chores (cleaning etc) and even basic money issues can be solve with some effort.

 

Now about the sex thing - I will tell you from experience and from the many many stories posted here on LoveShack - it is very (VERY) hard to get sex back to a decent level with a spouse who suddenly feels like they can drop sex after marriage. Simply put your spouse does not love like you do.... or like you need. She was hot for it, then not so hot. That's a major issue for both of you.

 

My wife's sexual interest/quality/quantity also dropped after we married.It hurt and I was crushed. I compromised on the sex in exchange for other things I wanted in the marriage. As you can imagine the sex continued to get worse and worse over the years. I tried everything to help her return to her previous interest and drive. Some intensive marriage sex therapy eventually helped - but only modestly with the sex. I would add that other important valuable things have improved in the marriage other than sex - so that helps and I appreciate and value those improvements - but still am left wanting a basic decent sex life and still resent her sudden drop and change in drive with me after I committed.

 

Have kids ? Have you purchased a home together? Is there some other reason you would loose something without her? If the answers are no then I strongly think you need to consider divorce - or at a minimum some marriage therapy were you are very honest with your needs (which are normal and basic).

Edited December 21, 2015 by dichotomy

[El Prado]

Marc878: I see your point. As I said, I try to talk to her so that she does her fair share. And it works for a while, but not very long, unfortunately.

 

Poutrew: I'm pretty much sure that she's not cheating. Sometimes she even asks me to read some WhatsApp message when she's driving or busy and can't read herself. We can never be 100% sure about anything, but I have absolutely no reason to be suspicious.

 

Lolablue17: I guess she changed gradually. It didn't happen suddenly after marriage. Of course, it became worse after marriage. But it is just like I wrote at first: when she was becoming less interested in sex and started becoming, huh, lazy, she had a good reason: she was trying to climb up her career. And she did: now she doesn't have the huge amount of activities she used to have. Despite that, we never had out sex life back.

 

Gloria25: I still love her because of other good qualities she has. She is honest, hard-working, she cares about other people, and we like the same movies & songs. I feel comfortable near her. Usually, there's no other person I would like to be near.

 

D0nivain: This idea has already occurred me. I mean, hiring a housekeeper. We're looking for it. But in this case I admit myself to be I little resentful: we agreed that we would work equally at home, and I am doing my part of the job. Suddenly, because she's lazy, we have to find another solution... It doesn't sound right for me, can you understand what I mean? Anyway, I'll do it. As I said, I'm willing to do whatever it takes so that I am sure that I will have no regrets for leaving the girl of my dreams.

 

Dichotomy: the fact that sex is almost gone makes me mad and sad. It's very exhausting and disappointing to see that my wife doesn't reciprocate. Our life wasn't like this. Nowadays, I can say that I tried lots of things, but, to be honest, when I try being really romantic, all I can get (and not everytime) is pity sex. I can see clearly that she doesn't want and she concedes because she sees the amount of effort I make. So, in other words, there are times in which I just initiate looking for a quickie, for I know it will be easy for her to deny it if she doesn't want anything at all. She won't feel the pressure that comes up when I plan a good dinner with romantic songs, etc. It makes me sad and, when we spend many days without any sexual activity, I can't help looking at other women in my office or anywhere. And I have absolutely no intention of cheating, so this makes me both sad and resentful. And I admit that I feel worried when you say that she will probably not return to get previous drive.

 

BTW, we don't have kids yet, but we do share a house that we purchased together. In terms of money, a divorce would be disastrous.

 

And, to sum up my answers about the money topic, she doesn't spend enough money to make us go through serious trouble, but I expected that she could save more money in order to be in a better position in a few years.

[d0nnivain]

D0nivain: This idea has already occurred me. I mean, hiring a housekeeper. We're looking for it. But in this case I admit myself to be I little resentful: we agreed that we would work equally at home, and I am doing my part of the job. Suddenly, because she's lazy, we have to find another solution... It doesn't sound right for me, can you understand what I mean? Anyway, I'll do it. As I said, I'm willing to do whatever it takes so that I am sure that I will have no regrets for leaving the girl of my dreams.

 

 

And, to sum up my answers about the money topic, she doesn't spend enough money to make us go through serious trouble, but I expected that she could save more money in order to be in a better position in a few years.

 

 

I understand. DH & I made similar promises. Neither one of us did much around the house but we both resented the other for not doing enough. Although getting help wasn't the solution we initially envisioned when we finally did it having that help really eased the pressure, dissolved the resentment & ironically motivated us to do more.

 

 

As for her spending / saving & your concerns about the future, show her the numbers. It's easy to spend because it's an instant reward. Saving as it's only reward is a learned behavior.

[Gloria25]

BTW, we don't have kids yet, but we do share a house that we purchased together. In terms of money, a divorce would be disastrous.

 

No, you both can agree (even make it part of the divorce papers) to rent the house until the market becomes better to sell it; allow one party to keep the house; etc.

 

My FWB was concerned about selling their house (IMO, he was just making excuses not to leave the marriage...I mean 10 years w/o kids with an abusive witch). And, one day when he came with all these ideas (i.e. selling his additional cars, doing some renovations/improvements/repairs himself; taking out an equity loan; etc), he was able to sell the house and actually make a profit out of it.

 

Where there's a will, there's a way.

[VeveCakes]

Speaking from personal experience, something must have triggered her not wanting sex anymore. I was always a sexual person but with my ex I stopped wanting it shortly after marriage too. It only got worse the longer we stayed married. It was the way he treated me and our home etc that turned me off. Eventually I couldn't even force myself to sleep with him and that's when I knew it was over for good.

 

I'm in a relationship now and those thoughts are not all anywhere near me. I was never like that before with anyone else either.

 

Not saying you are to blame, just wondering if there was an event or change that might have happened other than her job? Has she changed appearance? Maybe not feeling as good? Can you talk about it with her? Does she give you a reason why she isn't as sexually motivated?

[El Prado]

Speaking from personal experience, something must have triggered her not wanting sex anymore. I was always a sexual person but with my ex I stopped wanting it shortly after marriage too. It only got worse the longer we stayed married. It was the way he treated me and our home etc that turned me off. Eventually I couldn't even force myself to sleep with him and that's when I knew it was over for good.

 

I'm in a relationship now and those thoughts are not all anywhere near me. I was never like that before with anyone else either.

 

Not saying you are to blame, just wondering if there was an event or change that might have happened other than her job? Has she changed appearance? Maybe not feeling as good? Can you talk about it with her? Does she give you a reason why she isn't as sexually motivated?

 

 

I don't know why she's not sexually motivated. We talked about it a few times and I even asked her directly (mostly after a few days without any sexual activity and I was very frustrated - but I certainly asked in a very careful and respectful way). She gives a bunch of different reasons that may change from time to time: a headache, tiredness, worries concerning the job... Anyway, she doesn't say clearly why she doesn't have sexual desire as before, although she has admitted that this problem exists (well, it's a start, I guess...). Then, once in a while, she concedes, we have sex, but it's often impassionate.

 

Hardly ever, she gets into it and we have good sex. But it happens 5 or 6 times in a whole year.

 

There were some occasions in which I decided that I would try not to take the first step. I thought that it would make her miss it all and then, maybe, she would be interested. It turns out it made no difference. After a few weeks, nothing changed. Well, one thing did change: I was more desperate for sex than before.

 

Anyway, I would like to thank you for your sincerity and ask the following: when you gradually stopped wanting to do it with your ex, what would you say that could have worked to improve it all? Was there something that he could do that would turn you on again?

[VeveCakes]

I don't know why she's not sexually motivated. We talked about it a few times and I even asked her directly (mostly after a few days without any sexual activity and I was very frustrated - but I certainly asked in a very careful and respectful way). She gives a bunch of different reasons that may change from time to time: a headache, tiredness, worries concerning the job... Anyway, she doesn't say clearly why she doesn't have sexual desire as before, although she has admitted that this problem exists (well, it's a start, I guess...). Then, once in a while, she concedes, we have sex, but it's often impassionate.

 

Hardly ever, she gets into it and we have good sex. But it happens 5 or 6 times in a whole year.

 

There were some occasions in which I decided that I would try not to take the first step. I thought that it would make her miss it all and then, maybe, she would be interested. It turns out it made no difference. After a few weeks, nothing changed. Well, one thing did change: I was more desperate for sex than before.

 

Anyway, I would like to thank you for your sincerity and ask the following: when you gradually stopped wanting to do it with your ex, what would you say that could have worked to improve it all? Was there something that he could do that would turn you on again?

 

We talked about it a lot, because I WANTED to be sexually attracted to him, I just wasn't anymore. He was emotionally abusive, and would not go to counselling. I needed him to be nice, loving, supportive etc (basically a decent human being) but he just couldn't. He was a miserable person and unfortunately it led to our divorce. It was really how I felt about myself that made me have 0 sex drive though. I felt like ****, and I felt he didn't respect me, so why would I want to sleep with him? I doubt this is the case for you...but opening up a dialogue might help see what she needs?

 

Do you know if your wife masterbates? Is she still affectionate with you? Kissing? Cuddling?

[El Prado]

We talked about it a lot, because I WANTED to be sexually attracted to him, I just wasn't anymore. He was emotionally abusive, and would not go to counselling. I needed him to be nice, loving, supportive etc (basically a decent human being) but he just couldn't. He was a miserable person and unfortunately it led to our divorce. It was really how I felt about myself that made me have 0 sex drive though. I felt like ****, and I felt he didn't respect me, so why would I want to sleep with him? I doubt this is the case for you...but opening up a dialogue might help see what she needs?

 

Do you know if your wife masterbates? Is she still affectionate with you? Kissing? Cuddling?

 

 

 

I see. Your ex was not a good person at all. It's good that you were strong and wise enough to get over him.

 

She doesn't masturbate, as far as I know. On ther other hand, she's still very affectionate: we kiss a lot, she talks to me tenderly, we cuddle. That's what makes me think we still love each other. I mean, I love her and I truly believe she loves me. It's just the adjustments that need to be done that worry me. When it comes to cleaning the house and money subjects, I'm upset, but at least I have a clue on how to improve these aspects of our lives (hiring a house keeper, trying harder to comunicate about money). Our sexual issues, though, are really painful - and I have no idea on how to improve it.

[Babs22]

It sounds like your wife has a very low sex drive. If you are cuddling and kissing and she is okay with not taking that much further ever, it seems like a low sex drive might be the reason. Does she orgasm? What needs to happen for her to orgasm? Have you talked about that or do you already know the answer to that? I hope you do know, but if she fakes you might not know. Only something like 25% of woman orgasm from intercourse alone. I would hope that since she is in her 30s she knows what makes her orgasm. However, you said you don't think she masturbates, so maybe she doesn't. Sorry, I am just thinking out possibilities here as to why she doesn't want to have sex and why she doesn't get into it when you have it. Sex should involve passion. If she can't help you figure out what makes her tick, you may need to find a new partner.

[io2iio]

Your wife isnt attracted to you to have sex. Its simple as that. Basically she is walking all over you and you are letting her do that. The fact is that you no longer is the man in the relationship. She is driving the bus and you are the passenger.

 

So how exactly are you in love with this woman when she is walking all over you and you arent even getting sex. Sounds like there are issues ?. You got to step up your game and take charge. Be the man !

 

With Marriage, there is a no thrill for her because you have become too available. Become less available. Go pump so weights and build some muscle if you have access to the gym. Go out with your guy friends and have a good time. Dont depend too much on her.

 

Her emotional brain has gone into Hibernation. With out stirring those emotions the sexual attraction will be in hibernation. You got to tease her like a 5 year old girl.

Edited December 21, 2015 by io2iio

[El Prado]

It sounds like your wife has a very low sex drive. If you are cuddling and kissing and she is okay with not taking that much further ever, it seems like a low sex drive might be the reason. Does she orgasm? What needs to happen for her to orgasm? Have you talked about that or do you already know the answer to that? I hope you do know, but if she fakes you might not know. Only something like 25% of woman orgasm from intercourse alone. I would hope that since she is in her 30s she knows what makes her orgasm. However, you said you don't think she masturbates, so maybe she doesn't. Sorry, I am just thinking out possibilities here as to why she doesn't want to have sex and why she doesn't get into it when you have it. Sex should involve passion. If she can't help you figure out what makes her tick, you may need to find a new partner.

 

Yes, she orgasms from intercourse alone, though not everytime (I'd say it's about 40% of times). Other 60% of the time, she usually anticipates she's not in the mood, then we have sex and I have my regular pleasure, but it's a bit frustrating anyway.

[El Prado]

Your wife isnt attracted to you to have sex. Its simple as that. Basically she is walking all over you and you are letting her do that. The fact is that you no longer is the man in the relationship. She is driving the bus and you are the passenger.

 

So how exactly are you in love with this woman when she is walking all over you and you arent even getting sex. Sounds like there are issues ?. You got to step up your game and take charge. Be the man !

 

With Marriage, there is a no thrill for her because you have become too available. Become less available. Go pump so weights and build some muscle if you have access to the gym. Go out with your guy friends and have a good time. Dont depend too much on her.

 

Her emotional brain has gone into Hibernation. With out stirring those emotions the sexual attraction will be in hibernation. You got to tease her like a 5 year old girl.

 

I see your point. Do the ladies here in the topic agree?

[BetheButterfly]

I see your point. Do the ladies here in the topic agree?

 

Women are diverse.

 

We don't know what she thinks. That's why healthy and loving communication is so important in marriage, cause people are different. Without healthy communication, it's really hard to get to know one's loved one very well.

[Anderlie]

You got to tease her like a 5 year old girl.

 

I know it makes me all hot and bothered when my husband gets a burr in his butt and starts teasing me like a child. No wait, it makes me furious and less inclined to have sex with him. I married a man not a fourth grader.

 

OP as the previous poster said you don't know what your wife is thinking so you need to work with her to sort it out.

[El Prado]

Well, we partially solved the problem of the house cleaning: we hired a lady who is going to take care of it for us.

 

Ironically, it brings additional concerns about money... And I still blame my wife for not doing what she should, and now we must pay for it.

 

Anyway, I talked to her and we came to an agreement: we will save more money than we have been doing until now; I showed her graphics with our bills and numbers. She seemed to be into it. I hope it lasts.

 

About sex, well, she is still the same, she admits that we don't have it as before (there was no way she could deny it anyway...) , but gave me no reason at all, even when I asked in different ways. She still gives lame (sorry) excuses... Yesterday, she didn't want to do it because she "hadn't showered all day long", and I became so disappointed with this awful excuse that I didn't even say "and then why don't you shower now? I'll wait", then no sex since 5 days ago.

 

And I masturbate a lot. No other way I can handle it.

Edited December 27, 2015 by El Prado

[starpower]

Think you need to sit her down, and bring up this sexless marriage issue up. And this issue alone. Obviously she's avoiding telling you the real reasons for this, maybe she doesn't want to hurt you with the truth. Tell her how serious this is, and you can't brush it aside any longer. That you need to hear the truth no matter how painful it might be.