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Should I stay married to an Asexual man?


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Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I have been married for 28 years. I have known from the start that something was wrong sexually with my husband but chose not to see it. We dated for a short time before we got married. I told him no sex for 6 weeks before we got married. He didn't put up a fuss. Looking back, I know I was hoping to spice things up. On our wedding night, I came out of the bathroom in my new negligee and he said i looked good but we had to get up in the morning to catch our flight. I had to beg.

 

Now, i was only 22 at the time and have always had a nice figure and been told I'm attractive. I'm still told that at 51. On our 10 day honeymoon in Hawaii the excuse was he was sunburned.

 

When we got back, he told me that he wan't really interested in having sex now that we were married and that i needed to give it a few months. I was crushed. I have always been a very sensual, sexual person. Luckily we worked opposite shifts and only saw each other once a week. He didn't want to wake me during the week because I looked so cute sleeping, so he would masturbate instead. This went on for about 7 or 8 years. I worked to put him through college and had 3 children during that time. No, I didn't put on weight or let myself go. I had no self esteem and felt unwanted. I didn't leave him because I wanted him to want me. For awhile I thought he must be gay. I followed him to see if he was having an affair but nothing. He loved me but wasn't interested in me that way.

 

Early 30's he went to the Dr. and found out he had such a low testosterone level that the Dr. had only seen that low of number in men over 80 years old. Here was the answer! It wasn't me! He couldn't help it! He got shots and used cream and patches and nothing changed. His levels were good now. Did that for about 15 years.

 

He was on other medicine that made ejaculation difficult, so that now was the reason he didn't want to have sex.

 

In 29 years, I have only seen desire in his eyes one time. He says he is attracted to me but during the good times we never had sex more than once a month tops. It then dropped to 4-5 times a year and then once or twice. It was always with me asking or really begging. Asking would just go unnoticed. He had to know I was desperate before he would agree.

 

What our Dr. has now told us is that he is asexual, which is only 1% of the population. He hasn't and never will feel sexual desire. He feels relieved that he doesn't have to deal with my "demands" anymore and doesn't understand why I'm not happy about it.

 

It is killing me knowing that I have stood by a man that has never desired me or fulfilled that part of our marriage. He is a good man but knowing I have NEVER been wanted hurts. I don't know if it's right to consider leaving him over this. I am not at all ready to be done with my sexuality. Staying with him means that I am done. (No, he won't do anything to please me because "he doesn't think of it" and I can tell he is just plain ole' bored)

 

Has anyone dealt with this before? How can I deal with the blow to my self esteem if I stay? Should I stay or go while I'm still young enough to have some fun?

 

Thanks!

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I'd get yourself a pool boy, with the husband's knowledge.

 

I'm sure he'd agree to that and would be relieved, while you get to have even more exciting times than just leaving the husband.

 

Testosterone is a weird beast.

 

It greatly affects not only the sex drive in the moment, but to be so low for so long may have permanently wrecked his sexuality.

 

One thing I kept reading over and over is that you don't feel wanted and you're hurt by this.

 

Please remember that he can't want *anyone*.

 

If he could, I'm sure it's you he'd want. You shouldn't be taking that personally.

 

No different than if you were a master chef and he didn't have a mouth. Just because he can't eat your food doesn't mean the food is bad.

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Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I have been married for 28 years. I have known from the start that something was wrong sexually with my husband but chose not to see it. We dated for a short time before we got married. I told him no sex for 6 weeks before we got married. He didn't put up a fuss. Looking back, I know I was hoping to spice things up. On our wedding night, I came out of the bathroom in my new negligee and he said i looked good but we had to get up in the morning to catch our flight. I had to beg.

 

Not sure this is what you want to hear but, once you discovered he had no drive, any more time invested - 28 years worth - is on you.

 

I'm sorry you feel you've spent worthless and unfulfilling decades with him. Were I in that position, the feeling would motivate me to not waste another day - I'd be gone. You can still be friends with your husband - isn't that mostly what you've been all along? - but there's someone out there who will light your fire.

 

You've waited long enough, I'd start looking ASAP...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I would reject blaming yourself for standing by him. Yes you made the decision, but it was out of love and respect.

 

I would also reject that stupid response to find yourself a "pool boy" i .e. CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND. You are probably more principled than that or you would have done it already.

 

HOWEVER, you are I think 51, in good health, with a normal sex drive. The big question becomes what do you do other than CHEAT, which will probably result in the end of your marriage on very terrible terms.

 

You DO have the right to sex. And there are only two ways you can get it ethically

(1) divorce your husband amicably if possible and set yourself free

(2) sit down and talk to your husband ,NOT about him desiring you, but about him accepting that you have sex with other men WITH his knowledge and consent. THAT IS WAY DIFFERENT THAN CHEATING AND LOWEERING YOURSELF TO BE A LIAR AND DECEIVER.

 

Now, if you choose number 2, you need to do a LOT of reading and talking before you take the plunge. And start by reading a few books called

"More Than Two"

"Opening Up"

 

They will address all of the issues you will face, and there are many.

 

Obviously, your husband changing his attitude about not even trying to satisfy you is the number one option and if he believes you are serious about seeing other men, you never know. His testosterone may all of a sudden rise.

 

But please reject turning yourself into someomne you will not respect by sneaking around like a snake in the grass.

 

Hope you can work it out

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Thanks loveweary11 for your advice. It's true that I am so tired of feeling unwanted but its so hard knowing it was the truth, at least sexually. I know its not his fault but its still mine to deal with. When he would go to the Dr. earlier on, they would ask him if he found me desirable. He was always confused by that question because of course, his wife was an attractive woman. No concept of sexually desirable!

 

I wish your idea of a pool boy was an option! That's all I need is sex, not a relationship. He won't agree to it, unfortunately. I either have to stay in a sexless marriage or leave him.

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Hi Friskyone4u,

I guess I wasn't thinking of the "pool boy" thing" as cheating but with his knowledge. I wouldn't cheat on him. We have spent way too many years together to do that. I was thinking of someone that I would just have a sexual relationship with but then would not be in my life otherwords. Kinda, just when my pool needed cleaning!

 

I didn't know there were even books about the subject. I'm going to the bookstore today to see if I can find them. I don't want to talk about this subject until I know more about the consequences, like you suggested.

 

Thank you very much for your help! I'm anxious to read the books now.

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My ex wife had no interest in sex as soon as we married. Eventually, I divorced her in my mid-40s, and went on to have a truly great relationship and extraordinary sex life. You can too. Your only other reasonable choice is to find a long-term FWB with your husband's consent, but I think that would only delay a final resolution and you'd be older, too, when it inevitably ends. Time to move on, I'd say.

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It is killing me knowing that I have stood by a man that has never desired me or fulfilled that part of our marriage. He is a good man but knowing I have NEVER been wanted hurts. I don't know if it's right to consider leaving him over this. I am not at all ready to be done with my sexuality. Staying with him means that I am done. (No, he won't do anything to please me because "he doesn't think of it" and I can tell he is just plain ole' bored)

 

Has anyone dealt with this before? How can I deal with the blow to my self esteem if I stay? Should I stay or go while I'm still young enough to have some fun?

 

 

I have a husband with a low sex drive so I understand that weird feeling of not being wanted. I have flirted with men online, posted bikini shots, had a cyber boyfriend (at one point) all to help validate my sexuality.

 

I just turned 47 so I'm not quite my 20 year old self but TBH I don't look all that different than I did when I was in my 20's. You will need to validate your own sexuality. No matter how many men "liked" my bikini shots I still didn't feel validated. So, have a husband with a low sex drive but am aware that young, good looking guys are interested in me. OK.

 

Sometimes you do have to make choices. The men out there now are so sexually stimulated from the internet I'm sure if you left your husband you'd get more sex than you can handle from good looking males. But you'll probably be used for sex and that won't make you feel good either. You might meet another good man or you might not. Do you want to take the chance of losing what you have for something you might not get?

Edited by Heatherknows
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I wish your idea of a pool boy was an option! That's all I need is sex, not a relationship. He won't agree to it, unfortunately. I either have to stay in a sexless marriage or leave him.

 

See, here is a greater problem.

 

Your husband needs to put his ego aside and put your needs ahead of it.

 

If he can't satisfy you, he's going to need to give you the freedom to have that pool boy, or he will lose you entirely.

 

Does he understand that's what's about to happen? Maybe he doesn't.

 

Since those are the two options... and if you're really ready to leave, maybe it's time to present the options to him.

 

You have been beyond patient and understanding. A saint. Time for him to reciprocate.

 

You have needs and these should be met.

 

Frisky One: only thing stupid here is your reading comprehension skills. It's not "cheating", it's solving a problem together with her husband. She obviously loves the guy and everything else about him, but has a single problem to solve. Rather than burning down a whole city to stay warm on a cold night, she could make a more subtle move, with her husband's blessing, filling her needs, while at the same time preserving her marriage. Really stupid idea, huh? :rolleyes:

Edited by loveweary11
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still_an_Angel

Are you focused on wanting the sexual relationship only with your H or are you open to other options? Would he agree for you to have a FWB or a FB? The problem with this is you might develop strong bond with the third party, and other consequences as a result.

 

 

Everyone deserves to feel loved and wanted, and I think your H should respect that. Have you discussed other options with him?

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm so sorry OP. I was married for 20 years and spent a good 7-8 years of it sexless (his doing, not mine). Unlike your husband, mine did not want to see doctors or even acknowledge he had anything wrong with him. He did enjoy porn and I know for a fact he masturbated without me but stopped initiating sex or any kind of real affection long ago despite every attempt I made to remedy the situation.

 

Like your husband, he was/is a wonderful man, great father, amazing provider and good friend BUT as far as a marital partner in the full sense of the word, he lacked greatly in that department.

 

As you can imagine, it wreaked havoc on my self esteem especially because I had tried SO many times to talk about it with him. I read every book on the market about how to bring back the spark, I changed my appearance, watched the porn he was watching to figure out what got him aroused and on and on. I eventually ended up with an eating disorder (bulimia) trying to deal with the stress and anxiety and pain of it all.

 

The resentment just grew and grew to the point where we became strangers in our own home. I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Thankfully I had been seeing a therapist who helped me with a great many things but especially with making me realize some very hard realities about my marriage and my life. That's when I woke up from this life I had been sleepwalking through and realized I was far too young, vibrant and sexual to NOT have affection and sex in my life. I just couldn't imagine living out the rest of my life like this!

 

So I moved in the direction of that. At one point, after being "cornered" about the sexual problems that plagued our marriage, my ex gave me "permission" to have an affair as long as I came home to him. It was a shock to hear him say that because this was NOT like him at all. I didn't know whether to hug him or slap him. I had lots of opportunity to have an affair if I really wanted to but I still loved him and wanted him, not someone else.

 

That's when I made the excruciating decision to ask for a separation.

 

It was beyond difficult and painful for the both of us. I still loved him and I know he loved me too but it wasn't enough to save our marriage. I couldn't live like that anymore. We both deserved better.

 

Fast forward 7 years later and we are happily divorced! My ex and I had a very amicable divorce and have worked very hard to salvage a friendship for the sake of our children, our families and for ourselves. I'm proud to say that he is one of my best friends.

 

There isn't a moment where I regret the decision to leave him. I still mourn the loss of my marriage and having to break up my family but in the end, we are both much, much happier people and that spills over onto our children.

 

I know my situation isn't the norm for most couples but it is possible to have a happy divorce. The key is making the best out of a sh*tty and sad situation but you BOTH have to want it and work for it.

 

Good luck.

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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I wish your idea of a pool boy was an option! That's all I need is sex, not a relationship. He won't agree to it, unfortunately. I either have to stay in a sexless marriage or leave him.

 

Wrong answer.

 

Your position needs to be that leaving a life of involuntary abstinence is not an option.

 

If he is willing and able to step up and take care of your needs, then he has the right to stipulate it be in a monogamous relationship.

 

But if he is going to refuse to take care of your needs then he has no right to say you can't get it elsewhere. A person does not have a right to enforce celibacy onto another person.

 

If you don't want to live the rest of your life unloved and untouched and celibate, your options are leave, cheat or consensual open marriage.

 

Since you are the dissatisfied party here, you are the one that gets to dictate options. Present him the options of him meeting your needs, open marriage, you getting it on the side without his knowledge and consent, or divorce.

 

Do not offer or accept involuntary celibacy on your part as an option.

 

Step up and become a valid lover, divorce, or get it elsewhere with or without his consent. Those are the only options you will offer or consider.

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Are you focused on wanting the sexual relationship only with your H or are you open to other options? Would he agree for you to have a FWB or a FB? The problem with this is you might develop strong bond with the third party, and other consequences as a result.

 

 

I agree with Angel. If you start having sex with an attractive male you'll begin bonding to him physically and emotionally. At first, you'll think you can handle it and then...you won't. Sharing your body with someone is very personal, your brain chemistry will get worked up and you'll feel as if you're "in love."

 

Think before you act.

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I agree with Angel. If you start having sex with an attractive male you'll begin bonding to him physically and emotionally. At first, you'll think you can handle it and then...you won't. Sharing your body with someone is very personal, your brain chemistry will get worked up and you'll feel as if you're "in love."

 

Think before you act.

 

It doesn't seem the OP's husband would consent to participating in an open marriage. It may be that, having no desire himself, he can't understand why she'd need to go to those lengths to satisfy her own.

 

I'm also not sure she's interested in staying married but having a FWB on the side.

 

I would reject blaming yourself for standing by him. Yes you made the decision, but it was out of love and respect.

 

I'm not blaming SCShea for staying. I am pointing out that, by remaining married to a man that DIDN'T WANT SEX ON HIS HONEYMOON or any time thereafter, she's tacitly consented to the arrangement for the last 28 years.

 

And so now, her choice is pretty simple - continue to go along with something that's not going to change, or do something different. I know what I'd do but her choice might be different...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I agree with Angel. If you start having sex with an attractive male you'll begin bonding to him physically and emotionally. At first, you'll think you can handle it and then...you won't. Sharing your body with someone is very personal, your brain chemistry will get worked up and you'll feel as if you're "in love."

 

Think before you act.

 

That's the risk people who have no interest in having a sexlife with their spouses take.

 

That's her husband's cross to bear if he doesn't want to be sexually active with her. That's the risk he assumes by having a celibate lifestyle.

 

If he wants to be celibate, that is his choice. But he has no right to deny her physical love and sexuality and make her also live a celibate life. Her falling for another man is simply a risk he incurs by denying her.

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That's the risk people who have no interest in having a sexlife with their spouses take.

 

That's her husband's cross to bear if he doesn't want to be sexually active with her. That's the risk he assumes by having a celibate lifestyle.

 

If he wants to be celibate, that is his choice. But he has no right to deny her physical love and sexuality and make her also live a celibate life. Her falling for another man is simply a risk he incurs by denying her.

 

Here is the key. She stayed with him for 28 YEARS. That is a long, long, time and yes, she might leave and find fantastic sex but maybe that's all she'll find and my guess is it probably won't be all that fantastic.

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Is there really a choice?

 

TBH, after 20+years, thinking that he will take a pill or have a deep deep change is nit going to happen. Either you force him to be intimate with you or he forces you to go without intamacy.

 

There is only one answer that doesn't include force. You must accept who he is and it is hus choice to accept who you are.

 

You can love him and leave him. There is no wrong here. Sometimes, no one is at fault. After such a long time, you must enjoy your remaining days on the Planet Earth.

 

If you begin to enjoy intimacy with another, you will divorce anyway. Its very powerfull

 

Wishing you well.

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Michelle ma Belle
Here is the key. She stayed with him for 28 YEARS. That is a long, long, time and yes, she might leave and find fantastic sex but maybe that's all she'll find and my guess is it probably won't be all that fantastic.

 

Au contraire my friend.

 

I left my sexless marriage of 20 years only to find everything I've ever wanted and needed and then some. Sure, there was a learning curve after being out of the dating pool for so long but where there is a will there is a way and it wasn't long before I got my groove back.

 

It's NEVER too late.

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Here is the key. She stayed with him for 28 YEARS. That is a long, long, time and yes, she might leave and find fantastic sex but maybe that's all she'll find and my guess is it probably won't be all that fantastic.

 

At this point I don't think the word "fantastic" is even in her vocabulary.

 

Having a sexlife AT ALL will be a major improvement for her.

 

The only regret she's going to have is that she didn't do it years and years ago.

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Michelle ma Belle
I'm calling BS.

 

So 28 years, and just now you're thinking maybe, maybe, this is an issue you should deal with.

 

 

Riiiight.

 

Explain...

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I'm calling BS.

 

So 28 years, and just now you're thinking maybe, maybe, this is an issue you should deal with.

 

 

Riiiight.

 

I have no questions it's legit. Even if it this one specific case is BS, there are countless others in the same boat.

 

Here's why I think it's legit - I'm 51 years old myself. There comes a time where you've just had enough of other people's crap and tired of having their issues be your issues.

 

There comes a time and an age when you want to do what you want to do and you don't care what anyone else thinks and if someone doesn't want what you want, you don't waste energy holding that against them......but you aren't afraid to leave them sitting along the side of the road in a cloud of dust either.

 

For most people, at 50 the kids are either grown or are old enough to take care of their own stuff. The big bills are mostly paid. You're secure in your career and comfortable with who and what you are and your are perfectly capable of taking care of your own business.

 

If your spouse is being a peckerwood, you don't have to worry about them any more and you are fine to go on about your own business and leave them to their own issues.

 

People are willing to sacrifice some personal satisfaction when they are raising minor children and paying school loans and mortgages and striving to get established in their careers.

 

When you hit 50, a lot of that crap is now behind you and you realise you are past the halfway mark and if you want to do something, that time is now.

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About 12 years ago I dated someone like that.

He was abused (turned out after 2 years of relationship) by his older brother when he was about 8. He buried it inside and lived without telling anyone ever. I did not hold this one against him but I could not live with him. Granted, we spent 2,5 and not 28 years together and I was in my mid twenties.

So my situation is different.

 

What I would do is tell your husband how you feel (EXACTLY how you feel). Tell him you are thinking of leaving. Try and find some solution and some agreement... What about sex toys? What would he say if you wanted to have sex now and then with someone else, provided it is not the same man and you have nothing but sex with him? No talks, no lunches, etc.

 

If he is otherwise a great partner I would stick with him.

You have no idea what is out there. What kind of people (seemingly wonderful but f up), what kind of deceit, what kind of flakiness...

At your age, do not leave a good guy over sex. If you were younger maybe I would tell you something different. I am not saying it might not happen that you find someone attractive and compatible and loving and all that... I am just saying that look at this like a poker game. Chances are not on your side and you are risking staying alone. Which is what you should do only if you don't love your husband any more.

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At your age, do not leave a good guy over sex. If you were younger maybe I would tell you something different. I am not saying it might not happen that you find someone attractive and compatible and loving and all that... I am just saying that look at this like a poker game. Chances are not on your side and you are risking staying alone. Which is what you should do only if you don't love your husband any more.

 

This is common sense. I like it.

 

Thank you.

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At your age, do not leave a good guy over sex. If you were younger maybe I would tell you something different.

 

Seems slightly ageist.

 

I can tell you, in my 60's, sex is just as important as it was in my 20's. It's just not as important as often :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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