Exhausted With Our Arguments and Many Other Issues...

[AyAyAy]

Hello, I am hoping for some good advice and mainly ears to listen. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and have a 10 month old baby. We had an argument a few days back that I feel like we've been having for the past 7 years. Getting down to the nitty gritty, one of my issues is that I am not a humble person, this has been established in our relationship. I have come to the realization over the years that I have a hard time saying I am sorry. Now, here is the argument that put us over the edge -

We just moved in to a new house and do not have night stands yet. My pricey iPhone has a very sturdy case on it. I usually lay the phone down on a soft surface such as a towel or book when I put it down at night - this particular night I leaned my arm down to feel for a surface, didn't have anything to set phone on so let phone drop flat, about 2 inches off the ground - it made a loud "slap" sound when the case met the tile - the sound was amplified as our home reverberates every sound. My husband (in bed) says in a very spiteful voice, "Was that your phone??!" I said yes...and he proceeded to telling I need to treat my things better, which turned in to me attempting to explain my actions and how the phone wasn't in any harm's way, it just sounded louder against the tile, everything's fine...he then wants an apology for letting my phone "hit the tile"...this all sounds so silly once I type it out and try to explain it to someone.

 

Now, I admit yes, I am working on being more humble, but I am not going to apologize simply to appease someone and apologize for something I do not believe I should apologize for. The next morning, this scenario was brought up and a major argument ensued. It turned in to my husband accusing my family of not knowing how to take care of there things and how I am just like my mother for never apologizing for anything. I explained I have been working on being more humble, however where do I draw the line and stand up for something that I don't believe requires an apology?

 

I am exhausted with this argument...I KNOW I have some real issues to work on, communication and being a humble person to name a few, but my husband and I can't seem to have an adult argument without it turning in to past issues and him analyzing me and turning everything in to a damn therapy session. I feel awful because I brought up divorce, which he says I bring it up when I'm backed in to a corner, looking for a way out. My husband does not believe in divorce and it really hurts him when I bring it up, Inwish I could take back all the times I have brought it up, but I am exhausted with our miscommunication and unhappy with our lack of compatability. To add to the ball of confusion, our sex life has been almost nil since having the baby - partly accredited to my post partum hormones, and also because he is 41 (I'm 34) and he says his sex drive has gone down. He is also a bit overweight. We own a business together, too...it seems like the few hours at the end of the night that we do have to ourselves, we'd rather relax and do our own personal leisure activities. I know our lack of intimacy is affecting the both of us.

 

We are in the process of finding a marriage counselor. I know I don't want a divorce. I love us and our family and life we have created. It hurts my heart that I even spoke those words to my husband...I know I use that as a tool and I have made a promise to myself to never bring that up again.Just feel so lost on how to finally put these 7 year arguments and ghosts to bed, get more intimate, and be a better couple than we have been.

 

Thanks for reading.

[MidwestUSA]

My husband would probably have something to say if I dropped my phone that way too. I'm sorry, but I actually see your husband's point. What would it have taken to reach another two inches? Granted, I may be influenced by the rest of your story, when you say you often bring up the D word. I'm sure it does hurt him.

 

Get into therapy and find a way to fight fair. Your sex life might just improve if these resentments are resolved.

[Ms. Faust]

I would have apologized. It sounds kind of careless to treat an expensive item, especially if it was a gift (don't know if it was).

[Davey L]

Also, is this a common thing, I mean are you frequently careless with expensive stuff? It's one thing as a one-off accident but another if you are generally careless of stuff particularly if he's footing the bill.

[sandylee1]

I'd have apologised for the noise of dropping my phone..... it's no big deal to do that.

 

As well as MC, consider IC to get to the bottom of why apologising is not in your vocabulary. Think about how you will you raise your child with manners and what example you'll be setting if you don't apologise when you should. I don't think people love having to say sorry... but it's a mature way to conduct yourself.

 

Do you find it hard to apologise to anyone or just your H?

 

As far as bringing up divorce as you do STOP IT. I find that behaviour abusive and it's done to make your spouse shut up and back down. My ex SIL did this enough times until my brother had enough of her using the D word to make him back down. He never wanted to divorce ever... then one day she said Divorce again and he said yes.. let's do it. You can only push someone so far before your behaviour makes them emotionally detach from you.... then the love dies.

[privategal]

Hello, I am hoping for some good advice and mainly ears to listen. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and have a 10 month old baby. We had an argument a few days back that I feel like we've been having for the past 7 years. Getting down to the nitty gritty, one of my issues is that I am not a humble person, this has been established in our relationship. I have come to the realization over the years that I have a hard time saying I am sorry. Now, here is the argument that put us over the edge -

We just moved in to a new house and do not have night stands yet. My pricey iPhone has a very sturdy case on it. I usually lay the phone down on a soft surface such as a towel or book when I put it down at night - this particular night I leaned my arm down to feel for a surface, didn't have anything to set phone on so let phone drop flat, about 2 inches off the ground - it made a loud "slap" sound when the case met the tile - the sound was amplified as our home reverberates every sound. My husband (in bed) says in a very spiteful voice, "Was that your phone??!" I said yes...and he proceeded to telling I need to treat my things better, which turned in to me attempting to explain my actions and how the phone wasn't in any harm's way, it just sounded louder against the tile, everything's fine...he then wants an apology for letting my phone "hit the tile"...this all sounds so silly once I type it out and try to explain it to someone.

 

Now, I admit yes, I am working on being more humble, but I am not going to apologize simply to appease someone and apologize for something I do not believe I should apologize for. The next morning, this scenario was brought up and a major argument ensued. It turned in to my husband accusing my family of not knowing how to take care of there things and how I am just like my mother for never apologizing for anything. I explained I have been working on being more humble, however where do I draw the line and stand up for something that I don't believe requires an apology?

 

I am exhausted with this argument...I KNOW I have some real issues to work on, communication and being a humble person to name a few, but my husband and I can't seem to have an adult argument without it turning in to past issues and him analyzing me and turning everything in to a damn therapy session. I feel awful because I brought up divorce, which he says I bring it up when I'm backed in to a corner, looking for a way out. My husband does not believe in divorce and it really hurts him when I bring it up, Inwish I could take back all the times I have brought it up, but I am exhausted with our miscommunication and unhappy with our lack of compatability. To add to the ball of confusion, our sex life has been almost nil since having the baby - partly accredited to my post partum hormones, and also because he is 41 (I'm 34) and he says his sex drive has gone down. He is also a bit overweight. We own a business together, too...it seems like the few hours at the end of the night that we do have to ourselves, we'd rather relax and do our own personal leisure activities. I know our lack of intimacy is affecting the both of us.

 

We are in the process of finding a marriage counselor. I know I don't want a divorce. I love us and our family and life we have created. It hurts my heart that I even spoke those words to my husband...I know I use that as a tool and I have made a promise to myself to never bring that up again.Just feel so lost on how to finally put these 7 year arguments and ghosts to bed, get more intimate, and be a better couple than we have been.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Humility will go far in marriage, so good you at least acknowledge. Beyond that understand you are both exhausted with newborn and take it easy on eachother and try and connect gently.

[AyAyAy]

Sandy and everyone else, thank you for your responses thus far, it is hard to hear at first that I am in the wrong and how many arguments and heartache could have been avoided if I would just back down and have apologized Sandy and everyone else, thank you for your responses thus far, it is hard to hear at first that I am in the wrong and how many arguments and heartache could have been avoided if I would just back down and have apologized. Sandy, your question "Do you have a hard time apologizing to everyone or just your husband? " really made me think - it is really just to my husband that I have a hard time being humble with. Maybe I'm afraid of something? Thank you for telling me about your ex sister-in-law, that puts things in perspective and I never want to use it against him again.

 

In retrospect I should have atleast apologized for the noise. I'm hoping counseling can help with being more humble, I want our daughter to grow up and be able to communicate maturely in her relationships and know that communication is the most important piece of a relationship, next to love.

 

 

I'd have apologised for the noise of dropping my phone..... it's no big deal to do that.

 

As well as MC, consider IC to get to the bottom of why apologising is not in your vocabulary. Think about how you will you raise your child with manners and what example you'll be setting if you don't apologise when you should. I don't think people love having to say sorry... but it's a mature way to conduct yourself.

 

Do you find it hard to apologise to anyone or just your H?

 

As far as bringing up divorce as you do STOP IT. I find that behaviour abusive and it's done to make your spouse shut up and back down. My ex SIL did this enough times until my brother had enough of her using the D word to make him back down. He never wanted to divorce ever... then one day she said Divorce again and he said yes.. let's do it. You can only push someone so far before your behaviour makes them emotionally detach from you.... then the love dies.

[mrs rubble]

Sandy and everyone else, thank you for your responses thus far, it is hard to hear at first that I am in the wrong and how many arguments and heartache could have been avoided if I would just back down and have apologized Sandy and everyone else, thank you for your responses thus far, it is hard to hear at first that I am in the wrong and how many arguments and heartache could have been avoided if I would just back down and have apologized. Sandy, your question "Do you have a hard time apologizing to everyone or just your husband? " really made me think - it is really just to my husband that I have a hard time being humble with. Maybe I'm afraid of something? Thank you for telling me about your ex sister-in-law, that puts things in perspective and I never want to use it against him again.

 

In retrospect I should have atleast apologized for the noise. I'm hoping counseling can help with being more humble, I want our daughter to grow up and be able to communicate maturely in her relationships and know that communication is the most important piece of a relationship, next to love.

I would've apologised for causing the noise that upset him. It doesn't sound like the phone was at risk of damage, you should've pointed that out in the apology and that should've been the end of it.

I don't think you should bear all the blame though, it takes 2 to argue and when I read your story I sincerely thought "this guy is nuts...who insists someone else apologise to them for dropping their own phone?" then to go on and on and argue about it when no damage was done is just bizarre in my opinion...and OTT. I'd be seriously concerned about how he's going to discipline your child.

[Lois_Griffin]

Apologize my ass.

 

I could see you apologizing if it were HIS phone and he didn't care for the way you were treating it. But he actually thinks you have to apologize to him for setting YOUR phone down carelessly? What is he, your father?

 

Does he expect you to apologize to him when you spill coffee on your blouse? Do you have to apologize to him when you get grass marks on your new white sneakers?

 

No? Well it's the same damned principle with your phone.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with those who claim you were in the wrong at ALL.

 

I agree with Mrs. Rubble. This guy is bizarre.

[basil67]

This isn't about humility. It's about recognising when your actions effect others and apologising immediately. Out of curiousity, if you accidentally bump into someone or get in their way - do you immediately apologise? It's the same thing.

 

Dropping a thing loudly when he was trying to sleep warrants an immediate apology. This isn't about backing down on an argument - this is about realising that dropping the phone probably scared the crap out of him and simply saying "eep sorry!"

 

I bet if you had apologised straight up, he wouldn't have said anything about it.

[Ms. Faust]

Considering they have a new family, new house, and new expenses then I would damn well expect an apology if my husband carelessly dropped an expensive item. I would not go around flinging a $500+ object to the ground, no matter how well protected it is. So I stand by it, she should have apologized for being careless.

[GorillaTheater]

The argument had little if anything to do with dropping the phone.

[basil67]

I'm also wondering if your trouble saying sorry comes from you not being sorry. I don't think that anyone who isn't sorry finds it easy to apologise. And frankly, if you're not sorry, you shouldn't apologise. False apologies are meaningless anyway.

 

In this case, making a loud noise when he was sleeping warranted an apology. But you shouldn't have to apologise to him for not taking care of your phone.

 

I wonder if he's asking you to apologise for other things which don't actually merit an apology.

[Gemma1]

I think he's a little crazy for demanding that you apologize to him for dropping your own phone a few inches. My god, I drop my phone from several feet at least a few times per week and my husband doesn't care.

 

But it sounds like this argument wasn't really about the phone at all, and your husband may have valid issues even if this one time he overreacted a bit. Like others have asked, do you regularly (in his opinion) treat material things carelessly? I could see him being sensitive about it if this is the case.

 

You bringing up the D word is a HUGE problem. Honestly, it sounds like you may have already done some serious damage to your relationship by doing so. Bringing up divorce constantly builds resentment, and resentment makes it so that the tiniest little things in a relationship (like dropping a phone) become big deals. Without resentment, little issues stay little because there is enough love there to overlook them. But throw in resentment and suddenly your spouse will be looking for things to get angry about. Sounds like that's what's happening here.

[lollipopspot]

It makes me irritated when I read about people with babies talking about divorce. Getting a relationship stable is what you do before you bring a child into your ****.

[AyAyAy]

The phone was not carelessly thrown down, if you read my original post, and the poster who say this was not about the phone are correct. In retrospect I should have apologized for startling him. I was not sorry for dropping the phone as it was something I did consciously, knowing it wasn't in any danger, and I do treat my material items with value.

 

Since this argument, my husband has stated he is no longer going to fight with me about anything. In his words, "Im not going to get mad about anything anymore. Im just going to deal with the consequences."

 

Just for some background on us - His dad was a real hard ass growing up and controlled most everything in their marriage. His mom didn't even know how to balance a checkbook, a task she had to learn once my husbands dad passed! When we came together, we both said we would not let our marriage end up like either of our parent's marriages (my parents are basically roommates, sleep in different beds, alcoholic dad, probably haven't been intimate for atleast 10 years). I know he has a lot weighing on his shoulders with our new baby and trying to prove to people that he has his **** together and is a responsible and worthy man.

 

Anyways, I don't know what I'm getting at here. I just know we feel like we need counseling, not a divorce.

[anika99]

Apologize my ass.

 

I could see you apologizing if it were HIS phone and he didn't care for the way you were treating it. But he actually thinks you have to apologize to him for setting YOUR phone down carelessly? What is he, your father?

 

Does he expect you to apologize to him when you spill coffee on your blouse? Do you have to apologize to him when you get grass marks on your new white sneakers?

 

No? Well it's the same damned principle with your phone.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with those who claim you were in the wrong at ALL.

 

 

I agree with Mrs. Rubble. This guy is bizarre.

 

Oh thank goodness someone piped up with this opinion! I was thinking, who is she supposed to apologize too? The phone? Why is her husband owed an apology because her phone fell a couple of inches?

 

OP what was your husband asking you to apologize for? Was it for being noisy or was it for mistreating your phone. If he was irritated by the noise then a simple apology for disturbing him should have been no big deal, but if he was demanding that you apologize to him because he thought you were being careless with your phone then that is crazy. First of all because it only fell a couple of inches and it was fine and you told him that and secondly because you are an adult and if you damage your phone it's your problem, not his.

 

You say he is the only person you have difficulty apologizing to. Makes me wonder if he is overly critical of you or if he makes it a habit to demand apologies. Apologies are pointless if they are not sincere and most people can't be forced to feel apologetic.

[sandylee1]

Apologize my ass.

 

I could see you apologizing if it were HIS phone and he didn't care for the way you were treating it. But he actually thinks you have to apologize to him for setting YOUR phone down carelessly? What is he, your father?

 

Does he expect you to apologize to him when you spill coffee on your blouse? Do you have to apologize to him when you get grass marks on your new white sneakers?

 

No? Well it's the same damned principle with your phone.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with those who claim you were in the wrong at ALL.

 

I agree with Mrs. Rubble. This guy is bizarre.

 

Isn't it basic consideration for making noise if you disturb someone ? Nobody is saying she has to get down and beg....just "sorry hun" "didn't mean to startle you"

 

It seems the reason for the apology is causing confusion here... I don't think you need to apologise for damaging your own stuff..but for the disturbance .... yes you should.

[sandylee1]

AyAy

 

What you described with your husband.......saying he won't say anything anymore...... thats exactly what my brother did. He stopped saying what bothered him and I see that he just started resenting his Ex ...he didn't want to raise issues for fear of "ok...let's get divorced"

 

He's happily remarried now and his Ex is on her own and full of regret. Even with 3 kids he had no problem getting another wife..... I don't want it to get like that with you.

 

I think recognising you have a problem is a big step.....well done.

[Lois_Griffin]

The phone was not carelessly thrown down, if you read my original post, and the poster who say this was not about the phone are correct. In retrospect I should have apologized for startling him. I was not sorry for dropping the phone as it was something I did consciously, knowing it wasn't in any danger, and I do treat my material items with value.

 

Since this argument, my husband has stated he is no longer going to fight with me about anything. In his words, "Im not going to get mad about anything anymore. Im just going to deal with the consequences."

 

Just for some background on us - His dad was a real hard ass growing up and controlled most everything in their marriage. His mom didn't even know how to balance a checkbook, a task she had to learn once my husbands dad passed! When we came together, we both said we would not let our marriage end up like either of our parent's marriages (my parents are basically roommates, sleep in different beds, alcoholic dad, probably haven't been intimate for atleast 10 years). I know he has a lot weighing on his shoulders with our new baby and trying to prove to people that he has his **** together and is a responsible and worthy man.

 

Anyways, I don't know what I'm getting at here. I just know we feel like we need counseling, not a divorce.

Don't start making excuses for him.

 

There aren't a whole lot of us who grew up in a Beaver Cleaver household, so that old nonsense excuse for explaining away unacceptable behavior due to 'childhood issues' could pretty much apply to ANYONE.

 

Needing to 'prove' to the world that he's responsible and worthy doesn't include verbally abusing you.

 

So stop making excuses for him.

[AyAyAy]

Well I had my long response all written out and love shack kicked me off!

 

Our argument started out because he wanted me to apologize for so-called dropping my phone and treating it poorly, which I was not going to apologize for because I was not sorry for the way I placed it down… And retrospect I should have apologized for the sound it made that would've been the courteous thing to do because I guess it's startled him. Hope this clears up what he was looking for me to say sorry for.

 

Now this is when argument became not about dropping the phone but about me not being able to say sorry and us rehashing deeper issues, which I honestly wasn't trying to do, I simply wanted him to know that I did not drop my phone, it simply made a louder noise then was expected. There. Done. Goodnight, I love you. But it was turned in to a therapy session.

 

I don't want him to regress into a hermit of a man and be afraid to voice his opinion for fear we'll have an argument and I'll threaten divorce - how do I make it clear I am turning over a new leaf and will never use that word again?

 

As far as him being verbally abusive - no, not at all. Critical and micro managing at times - yes, but verbally abusive - NO.

 

Thank you to everyone for your input thus far. It is good for me to see so many different views and points. Appreciate it.