What happens when the attraction is gone?

[Southern Sun]

I would really like everyone's feedback on this. I have hit a wall and I'm scared.

 

Many of you are aware of my story by now, at least bits and pieces. I had an affair starting a couple of years ago (not proud of my dishonesty and betrayal). My H knows and we've been working towards reconciliation. I struggled with a lot of confusion - ambivalence towards my marriage, feelings for the AP, anger, sadness, depression, you name it. I've finally felt like I was turning a corner in getting over the affair itself only to now be faced with the reality of my marriage. And that is, I just don't find it fulfilling anymore. Specifically, I am no longer attracted to my H.

 

I don't know what to do. I love him. We have had many wonderful years. We have been really good partners in a lot of ways. He is a good man. But something has happened and I just don't have those feelings for him anymore. I am sure a combination of things contributes to this - pain erodes feelings over time; certain behaviors are simply unattractive, unappealing. I don't expect raging passion after all this time, but I do think there should be a basic level of attraction. Oddly, I can objectively say he is an attractive man - something is just off for me.

 

What happens when this point is reached? Can it be reversed? We have had honest conversations about this and are now in therapy to try to get to the root of it. I fear that he may reach his limit with this as well. I don't know how he hasn't yet. This would be hard for anyone to take, but we are just trying to put it all out there and give it our best shot. Might as well go all in before we give up.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have hit a wall and I'm scared.

What are you scared of...or by?

 

What follows is just my opinion, pinioned by personal experience, ok?

 

 

What happens when this point is reached?

It's like walking down a corridor with a door at the end.

What happens when you reach the door? Are you just going to stand there and stare at it? No.

You open it, and go through it, of course....

 

Can it be reversed?

I don't believe so, no. Not once you've had taste of an alternative. Not playing the blame game, here, but it's basically shown you other things are possible....

 

We have had honest conversations about this and are now in therapy to try to get to the root of it.

Oh, god, can I save you some money?

 

You've fallen out of love. Once, you fell in love, now, you just 'love'.

He's like a brother to you, a best mate. You've done so much together, and now, it's s new thing.

You're not partners you're companions. It happens.

We do it all the time with friendships and overcoats.

Out with the old, in with the new.

Some things end drastically, others just fade.

Either way, this is done, because you've outgrown it.

 

I fear that he may reach his limit with this as well. I don't know how he hasn't yet. This would be hard for anyone to take, but we are just trying to put it all out there and give it our best shot. Might as well go all in before we give up.

Yeah, but you know what?

I don't think your heart's in it.

If it were, would you have posted here?

You've posted here, because you actually fear the worst.

I'm confirming your fears.

[HopeForTomorrow]

Hi SS.... I have missed you.

 

Unfortunately I thought way back when we were talking in more detail about your past A that you might end up in this spot at some point.

 

In some cases I would say that perhaps your A was a symptom of this part of your marriage. But from what you have said about it, I don't think that is the case (because of the way your A transpired, and your ex-AP's personality/behaviors in particular).

 

People will probably tell you to try date night, spice up things in the bedroom, etc etc. I am guessing you have tried those things. I am probably in the pessimistic group of folks who doesn't really believe you can fully get it back once it's gone. I think you can stay married and content, but I don't know if you can get that spark and "connection" back if it's not there anymore. If things never change from how they are right now, will you be happy in the marriage?

 

Does he feel the same way?

 

Do you think a physical separation for awhile might shed some new light on things?

 

Hope

[redtail]

I'm completely with TaraMaiden on this on. The fire's out, don't pretend. Let yourself off the hook and allow your husband to find someone who'll love him back. Time to turn the page.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Southern Sun]

Thank you, TaraMaiden.

 

I guess...it's just so sad. I don't want to feel these things. It is all the harder because he claims to still be IN love. The more he says it to me, the more I can tell we feel differently about each other.

 

It is frightening because this is really all I have ever known as an adult. We started dating half-way through college, married, and have now been together nearly 20 years. I don't know anything else. I am scared of how this will be, what life will look like, what my children will feel, if we can't talk ourselves off of this ledge.

[Southern Sun]

I'm completely with TaraMaiden on this on. The fire's out, don't pretend. Let yourself off the hook and allow your husband to find someone who'll love him back. Time to turn the page.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

We are being honest with each other, totally honest, perhaps for the first time in years. It was hard to do, but it all came tumbling out. He still wanted to work on things. I guess I was hopeful too that maybe it's a symptom of something else, maybe it would pass. But I do see this from his perspective also - as much as I want to be able to really love, he deserves to be truly loved.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are being honest with each other, totally honest, perhaps for the first time in years. It was hard to do, but it all came tumbling out. He still wanted to work on things. I guess I was hopeful too that maybe it's a symptom of something else, maybe it would pass. But I do see this from his perspective also - as much as I want to be able to really love, he deserves to be truly loved.

 

No solutions but do want to tell you I appreciate your honesty as, in your husband's shoes, I'd want to know the truth. Having injured me with the affair, the last think I'd want would be to waste another decade while you tried "fake it til you make it".

 

At this point, either your marriage will recover or it won't. Your best shot is to be truthful with each other even if those concepts are painful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you, TaraMaiden. ..I guess...it's just so sad. I don't want to feel these things. It is all the harder because he claims to still be IN love. The more he says it to me, the more I can tell we feel differently about each other.

He can't feel it for two, you can't be dishonest with yourself, and fake it in hope... It just doesn't ever feel genuine, and can't be manufactured....

 

It is frightening because this is really all I have ever known as an adult. We started dating half-way through college, married, and have now been together nearly 20 years. I don't know anything else. I am scared of how this will be, what life will look like, what my children will feel, if we can't talk ourselves off of this ledge.

You're not on a ledge. Quit looking at this so negatively. You talk as if life will always be a downward spiral and that you're doomed to having the words 'failure victim' on your forehead.

 

You didn't fail, you erred. You're not a victim, you're a protagonist. It's not a ledge, it's a threshold.

 

If you fix yourself into a 'scared' mind-set, every corner in the road you approach, will hold an unseen perceived disaster for you.

This isn't the end. This is a continuation, a fork in the road.

 

People are people, and your children would much rather exist, grow and develop in an atmosphere of honesty and dignity.

They will see people - including parents - cock it up sometimes. Because we're none of us perfect, and what you feel, is what you feel.

It's time to stop pretending.

It's time to stop trying to keep the lid open, on something that is yearning to finally close.

It's like you're trying to pull a tortoise head from its shell.

Have you ever tried doing that?

It's impossible. The more you pull, the harder it retracts and resists, and you risk really hurting it.

 

Let it develop slowly, rush nothing, just accept that this is what it is.

There is nothing to fix.

There IS a life to live.

For all of you.

[dichotomy]

 

I don't know what to do. I love him. We have had many wonderful years. We have been really good partners in a lot of ways. He is a good man. But something has happened and I just don't have those feelings for him anymore. I am sure a combination of things contributes to this - pain erodes feelings over time; certain behaviors are simply unattractive, unappealing. I don't expect raging passion after all this time, but I do think there should be a basic level of attraction. Oddly, I can objectively say he is an attractive man - something is just off for me.

 

 

Only you can explore whats behind your loss of attraction. Is this loss purely sexual attraction or his , or is there more that is a turn off (i.e. non sexual parts of your relationship such as simply enjoying time and things together) or emotional support he provides.

 

If your husband is behaving towards you in a way which most women would find a turn off, well that's one thing.

 

If its simply down to - a new man would turn you on more - that's another thing and then this too will fade. Familiarity and "same old" does not work for some peoples sexual desire.

 

Complicated issue.

[Friskyone4u]

I do not know your entire story about your affair (how long, etc, how you were caught), but from what I have read what they call "LONG TERM COMPARISON" affairs by females are the hardest to recover from.

 

Your husband cannot compete with your OM in excitement and newness and you may be still in the la la land of your thoughts of OM.

 

Regardless, you are right in telling your husband the truth because if you cannot overcome these lack of feelings ( and I am not talkong about MAD passion nightly), you will certainly cheat again at some point.

 

Very few people have the same passion after 20 years but many stick it out. There is no guarantee you are going to find a man who loves you like your husband does. Sounds like you are ready to roll the dice.

 

I disagree with those who tell you youy cannopt revive some spark. There is a whole industry of MC's out there with many different approaches because there are a ton of folks who have lost the "spark"

[Southern Sun]

Only you can explore whats behind your loss of attraction. Is this loss purely sexual attraction or his , or is there more that is a turn off (i.e. non sexual parts of your relationship such as simply enjoying time and things together) or emotional support he provides.

 

If your husband is behaving towards you in a way which most women would find a turn off, well that's one thing.

 

If its simply down to - a new man would turn you on more - that's another thing and then this too will fade. Familiarity and "same old" does not work for some peoples sexual desire.

 

Complicated issue.

 

He is not doing anything "bad" that would cause me to be turned off...like yelling or being cruel, etc. Nothing that you would typically think of. As far as I can tell, this is straight up a loss of physical/sexual attraction.

 

I cannot put it down to familiarity/loss of passion. I get that, I don't expect fireworks after all this time. But I at least want to have a basic feeling of desire that can be awakened with closeness, touching, etc. (rather than feeling like I am just trying to get through it).

[Southern Sun]

I do not know your entire story about your affair (how long, etc, how you were caught), but from what I have read what they call "LONG TERM COMPARISON" affairs by females are the hardest to recover from.

 

Your husband cannot compete with your OM in excitement and newness and you may be still in the la la land of your thoughts of OM.

 

Regardless, you are right in telling your husband the truth because if you cannot overcome these lack of feelings ( and I am not talkong about MAD passion nightly), you will certainly cheat again at some point.

 

Very few people have the same passion after 20 years but many stick it out. There is no guarantee you are going to find a man who loves you like your husband does. Sounds like you are ready to roll the dice.

 

I disagree with those who tell you youy cannopt revive some spark. There is a whole industry of MC's out there with many different approaches because there are a ton of folks who have lost the "spark"

 

That's why we are in MC; I still hope it can be revived. And as I mentioned above, I do not expect nightly fireworks. Just not to feel the way I feel... I appreciate the alternate view.

 

(The affair was a little over a year; husband was suspicious, confronted me and I confessed. It's been over about 8 months).

[TaraMaiden2]

I very much doubt a full recovery - let alone, any recovery at all - would be possible.

And that's because you didn't end the affair and confess.

your husband grew suspicious and you finally admitted it.

Without his suspicion, probing, questioning and persistence, it's actually extremely likely that the affair would still be going on.

 

If you had been stabbed by a guilty conscience, and had been driven by that, to try to wipe the slate clean, then it would be different.

But the circumstances of the affair ending, are more through his intervention, than your determination.

 

Again, I'm not playing the blame-game.

I'm merely pointing out why this is an uphill struggle - and one that I totally believe should be held to scrutiny. Because it's desperately found wanting....

[Satu]

Snip:

 

 

(The affair was a little over a year; husband was suspicious, confronted me and I confessed. It's been over about 8 months).

 

8 months is nothing when it comes to processing the consequences of an affair.

 

Think more in terms of years.

[MJJean]

Have you run an in depth systems check?

 

What I mean by that is, have you really thought about your life in general and men in particular? Are you feeling rather "meh" about more than just your H? Do you feel physical attraction for other men and just not for your H or have you gone off all men? Is it possible that you're just burned out, numb, still healing, and not ready to feel physical desire yet?

[Southern Sun]

Have you run an in depth systems check?

 

What I mean by that is, have you really thought about your life in general and men in particular? Are you feeling rather "meh" about more than just your H? Do you feel physical attraction for other men and just not for your H or have you gone off all men? Is it possible that you're just burned out, numb, still healing, and not ready to feel physical desire yet?

 

I'm actually highly aware of this one unfortunately. I am VERY interested in sex. I find myself checking out other men. I was on a conference call the other day and was all tuned in to a couple of deep male voices. I do feel attraction and interest in others. I feel somewhat deprived, if that makes sense. (Please understand that I am simply answering the question, not trying to offend).

[Southern Sun]

Snip:

 

 

 

8 months is nothing when it comes to processing the consequences of an affair.

 

Think more in terms of years.

 

I do understand this. But specifically as it relates to my problem - does it make sense at this point? Could it just be temporary consequences? Things weren't exactly going well sexually before the affair.

 

He feels like a good, comfortable friend

[Friskyone4u]

Southern,

 

You are doing all the right things but it is obvious you have some real tough times ahead. Like someone said, 8 months is just a sprint in this race that is a marathon. And like soeone else also said, you had no intention of confessing so you were truly on the "affair high".

 

Your real struggle now is that until this works itself out, you are already being tempted and mentally aroused by other men. Maybe you just need the NRE excitement????

 

All I am saying give your husband the respect he deserves and divorce him before you act on your impluses or hormones again. If you can't endure the time and feelings you have now, let him go.

[Southern Sun]

Southern,

 

You are doing all the right things but it is obvious you have some real tough times ahead. Like someone said, 8 months is just a sprint in this race that is a marathon. And like soeone else also said, you had no intention of confessing so you were truly on the "affair high".

 

Your real struggle now is that until this works itself out, you are already being tempted and mentally aroused by other men. Maybe you just need the NRE excitement????

 

All I am saying give your husband the respect he deserves and divorce him before you act on your impluses or hormones again. If you can't endure the time and feelings you have now, let him go.

 

What is NRE?

 

I will not act on any impulses...I will not behave in such a way again. I've committed to living authentically. It's interesting how making that commitment, choosing not to take any short-cuts, has forced me to really evaluate the direction of my life.

[Friskyone4u]

Southern

 

NRE is New Relationship Excitement . It's is the "high" that makes affair sex or sex with new people so exciting .

 

Your last response was very sensible . Sounds like you are determined to figure this out one way or the other before making any potentially bad decisions

 

In any relationship it is impossible to be absolutely equal . Maybe the fact that your husband is basically telling you by his actions that he has accepted your infidelity makes you too secure and therefore makes him not as "sexy"

 

His physical attributes are obviously the same . So if you are not still lusting for your OM there has to be some reason why your husband does not get your motor running . Have you seen a certified sex therapist and not just an MC.

[whichwayisup]

He is not doing anything "bad" that would cause me to be turned off...like yelling or being cruel, etc. Nothing that you would typically think of. As far as I can tell, this is straight up a loss of physical/sexual attraction.

 

I cannot put it down to familiarity/loss of passion. I get that, I don't expect fireworks after all this time. But I at least want to have a basic feeling of desire that can be awakened with closeness, touching, etc. (rather than feeling like I am just trying to get through it).

 

I think you need more time. How long has it been since your A completely ended and NC has been in place?

 

You don't have to have passionate 'in love' fluttery feelings for your husband, expecting that or hoping for that is setting yourself up for a fall/fail. Seems you DO love him, care for him and since you've built a life with him and have children together, there's a strong bond/glue that holds you together. Counseling will help, even sex therapy to help you bring that excitement back. It's worth fighting for, try everything and keep it lighthearted and fun too, less pressure will lessen stress and anxiety that you may feel by not being attracted to him much anymore.

 

Before meeting the OM and having the A were you sexually attracted to your husband?

[MJJean]

I'm actually highly aware of this one unfortunately. I am VERY interested in sex. I find myself checking out other men. I was on a conference call the other day and was all tuned in to a couple of deep male voices. I do feel attraction and interest in others. I feel somewhat deprived, if that makes sense. (Please understand that I am simply answering the question, not trying to offend).

 

So your libido is alive and kicking. You're sexually attracted to real life other men. You're feeling deprived because you want sex with a man you're attracted to, but can't have it because you're being faithful and aren't attracted to your H.

 

Have you analyzed what about these men attracts you?

[Southern Sun]

So your libido is alive and kicking. You're sexually attracted to real life other men. You're feeling deprived because you want sex with a man you're attracted to, but can't have it because you're being faithful and aren't attracted to your H.

 

Have you analyzed what about these men attracts you?

 

Thank you all for helping me think through this.

 

The ones that get my attention generally put out a masculine, maybe powerful, stoic type of vibe. But it's gotta be something about that testosterone. And displays of assertiveness, strong-mindedness. That kind of thing.

[Southern Sun]

Southern

 

NRE is New Relationship Excitement . It's is the "high" that makes affair sex or sex with new people so exciting .

 

Your last response was very sensible . Sounds like you are determined to figure this out one way or the other before making any potentially bad decisions

 

In any relationship it is impossible to be absolutely equal . Maybe the fact that your husband is basically telling you by his actions that he has accepted your infidelity makes you too secure and therefore makes him not as "sexy"

 

His physical attributes are obviously the same . So if you are not still lusting for your OM there has to be some reason why your husband does not get your motor running . Have you seen a certified sex therapist and not just an MC.

 

Maybe I am just SO secure, there is no challenge? I don't know.

 

We have not been to a sex therapist. Started with MC. I guess I'm almost afraid of what a sex therapist will have me do . Worth trying?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe I am just SO secure, there is no challenge? I don't know.

 

We have not been to a sex therapist. Started with MC. I guess I'm almost afraid of what a sex therapist will have me do . Worth trying?

 

Yes! Your marriage and life that you built with him is worth fighting for and giving it your absolute best.