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How to snap hubby out of it?


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Hi. I'm 23 and he is 35. We have been married for 2 years and we have two young children. He has 3 kids with his ex wife. He left his ex wife to be with me (we didn't have an affair). He was smitten with me and wanted to start a relationship.

 

Things have been pretty great. We don't have a lot in common but we love each other. He treats me like a princess. Great father too.

 

Recently his ex wife has got engaged. Hubby has turned into an emotional wreck since, which I find weird considering he left her for me. He told me that he doesn't want another man to play dad to his kids.

Sex isn't happening. He doesn't want to get intimate. He has turned so distant, and miserable. He is usually not the emotional type.

 

Every conversation we have now, he seems to turn it around to talk about his ex wife. He has openly talked about trying to split them up. He even asked me to seduce her fiancé, so hubby can take pics or whatever... and report back to her. He spends time digging for imformation about this guy online. Just trying to find something that he can use against him. Wtf.

 

He visits his/her kids a lot more now. He makes any excuse to go and see them. It feels like he is either at home plotting to split them up, or he is over there visiting his kids. I see some of where he is coming from but he can't abandon our kids in the process. They miss him and need him. It's like he has forgotten all about them.

 

Last thurs we got in a big argument because he asked me if it would be okay for him to go on christmas vacation with ex wife and kids. Her fiance isn't going... I told him I want him to be home at christmas. He threw a tantrum. Says that I don't understand.

 

He says that we (me and kids) will always be there, but his kids won't. He wants to make the most of his time with them and to make it clear to the other guy that he is going to be in their life.

 

So... I don't know what to do. Any advice? I hate having to keep making excuses to our kids for why daddy isn't home. Why didn't he think about this in the first place, before leaving her for me? How long should I put up with this? Should I talk to his ex wife and tell her that he is worried about losing contact with the kids? He would be so mad. I just want him to snap out of it. Or am I being unreasonable and should give him space?

 

I've already told him how I feel. He just disregards it and tells me I don't understand.

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Hi. I'm 23 and he is 35. We have been married for 2 years and we have two young children. He has 3 kids with his ex wife. He left his ex wife to be with me (we didn't have an affair). He was smitten with me and wanted to start a relationship.

 

How does a married father of 3 become "smitten" with you and leave his wife in a way that isn't an affair? You may not have had sex with him but there had to be an inappropriate emotional relationship. And as you're finding out, history has a way of repeating itself.

 

He even asked me to seduce her fiancé, so hubby can take pics or whatever... and report back to her.

 

Tell him if he feels so strongly, he can seduce the fiancee. I'm sure the pictures will get everyone's attention...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It sounds like he is still in love with his ex wife.

 

Btw, you are not fooling any of us, sounds like you did have an affair at least on an emotional level, especially with you saying several times "he left her for me".

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You could try asking him how he'll feel when he keeps behaving this way and you finally get fed up and walk. Then BOTH you and his ex remarry and BOTH sets of kids have other men raising them....

 

What the hell did he think was going to happen when he left his wife? Did he think she was going to waste away single, alone, and pining for him?

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You could try asking him how he'll feel when he keeps behaving this way and you finally get fed up and walk. Then BOTH you and his ex remarry and BOTH sets of kids have other men raising them....

 

What the hell did he think was going to happen when he left his wife? Did he think she was going to waste away single, alone, and pining for him?

 

 

Yes - when people contemplate divorce, particularly men, I don't think they spend enough time considering that their kids may have "a new dad "in the near future.

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He has 3 kids with his ex wife. He left his ex wife to be with me (we didn't have an affair). He was smitten with me and wanted to start a relationship.

 

it's called an emotional affair.

 

Great father too.

 

he's a horrible father, actually.

 

He told me that he doesn't want another man to play dad to his kids.

 

it's really hard to believe that he's more than 18 years old. another man won't change a thing if his relationship with his children is solid (which it probably isn't and that's why he's worried). he'll still see them and spend with them the same amount of time as usual.

 

it isn't about the kids - it's about his huge ego.

 

He even asked me to seduce her fiancé, so hubby can take pics or whatever... and report back to her. He spends time digging for imformation about this guy online. Just trying to find something that he can use against him. Wtf.

 

this is why he is a horrible father (and a person, really) - trying to inflict pain on his children's mother in order to... do what exactly? because again, this new guy isn't changing a thing when it comes to your husband and his relationship with his children.

 

He wants to make the most of his time with them and to make it clear to the other guy that he is going to be in their life.

 

so the only reason why he's suddenly decided to be the father of the year is him trying to mark the territory.

 

So... I don't know what to do. Any advice?

 

do NOT let him go on that vacation. he is capable of getting his ex - wife drunk, take naked pictures of her and then send them to the fiance in order to break them up.

 

call her and tell her, warn her about his attempts to ruin her relationship. tell her to keep strict boundaries and seeing schedule without telling him anything. that way she'll keep him in check.

 

you're young. you'll grow up, you'll see the raging red flags and leave him - mark my words. until then - good luck.

Edited by minimariah
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Last thurs we got in a big argument because he asked me if it would be okay for him to go on christmas vacation with ex wife and kids. Her fiance isn't going... I told him I want him to be home at christmas. He threw a tantrum. Says that I don't understand.

 

Tell him that's fine, you'll find a man to keep you and the kids company while he's gone.

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Hi, thanks for the replies

 

How does a married father of 3 become "smitten" with you and leave his wife in a way that isn't an affair? You may not have had sex with him but there had to be an inappropriate emotional relationship. And as you're finding out, history has a way of repeating itself.

 

Tell him if he feels so strongly, he can seduce the fiancee. I'm sure the pictures will get everyone's attention...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well we didn't make out or do anything physical. We just spent a lot of time together. He kept wanting to take things further but I didn't know if he was serious about me or just having fun. Then I got pregnant, and I asked him to leave his wife because I wanted him to support me and the baby. I didn't push him, I just told him that if he doesn't then she is going to find out. I would have told her about us if he hadn't of left her. Still... he picked me over her.

Oh, I forgot to mention that he is on friendly terms with ex wife, for the kids.. He knew that she had a boyfriend. It was when he found out that she was engaged that he started acting weird. She doesn't live with her fiancé at the moment. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of him moving in with her and the kids? It's weird that he has been okay all of this time up until the engagement. Maybe he didn't think it was serious.

 

It sounds like he is still in love with his ex wife.

 

Btw, you are not fooling any of us, sounds like you did have an affair at least on an emotional level, especially with you saying several times "he left her for me".

 

Maybe, but he still made the decision to leave her for me. He had so much more at stake. I was single. He left them and now he is making me and our kids pay for it.

He goes to her place after work on some days, and at weekends. He just goes when he feels like it, and then tells me after. He won't be able to do that when her fiance moves in. Fiance probably won't want hubby there that much. Hubby used to see her sometimes on lunch breaks from work, when kids were at school. I don't know if he still does. At the time, he told me that he is trying to stay on her good side so he can keep seeing the kids. He is worried that he is going to lose them.

 

I don't know why he would still love her when he left her in the first place. I can't imagine her wanting to get back with him either. Do you think I should snoop? I'm tempted to but I'm paranoid that he will find out. He seems so miserable at the moment.

 

You could try asking him how he'll feel when he keeps behaving this way and you finally get fed up and walk. Then BOTH you and his ex remarry and BOTH sets of kids have other men raising them....

 

What the hell did he think was going to happen when he left his wife? Did he think she was going to waste away single, alone, and pining for him?

 

I am worried about being a single mother :( He wasn't anything like this until recently. It has brought out the worst in him. Sucks how people can suddenly change. I just wish that he would suddenly go back to normal. Hate the idea of having to find someone else, but it might have to come to that.

 

 

this is why he is a horrible father (and a person, really) - trying to inflict pain on his children's mother in order to... do what exactly? because again, this new guy isn't changing a thing when it comes to your husband and his relationship with his children.

 

so the only reason why he's suddenly decided to be the father of the year is him trying to mark the territory.

 

do NOT let him go on that vacation. he is capable of getting his ex - wife drunk, take naked pictures of her and then send them to the fiance in order to break them up.

 

call her and tell her, warn her about his attempts to ruin her relationship. tell her to keep strict boundaries and seeing schedule without telling him anything. that way she'll keep him in check.

 

you're young. you'll grow up, you'll see the raging red flags and leave him - mark my words. until then - good luck.

 

Yeah I agree actually, and didn't think of it that way. He knows that he will still get to see the kids.

 

Well I will keep that in mind. I did think about talking to her but I am worried that he will somehow find out. He would be so mad. I don't know if I trust her enough to talk to her. She was so bitter when he left her for me. I don't blame her for it. I am worried about being a single mom. He pays for everything at the moment. I wish it could be fixed. He was the ideal husband, before ex wife got engaged.

 

Maybe I can talk to her fiance instead? I think he might be more understanding tbh. Have him tell her that her ex is trying to steal the kids from her.

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Michelle ma Belle
Hi, thanks for the replies

Well we didn't make out or do anything physical. We just spent a lot of time together. He kept wanting to take things further but I didn't know if he was serious about me or just having fun. Then I got pregnant, and I asked him to leave his wife because I wanted him to support me and the baby. I didn't push him, I just told him that if he doesn't then she is going to find out. I would have told her about us if he hadn't of left her. Still... he picked me over her.

 

Wait, I'm confused. Did HE get you pregnant?

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Maybe I can talk to her fiance instead? I think he might be more understanding tbh. Have him tell her that her ex is trying to steal the kids from her.

 

you can.

 

but please, let it be known to his ex & her partner that he's trying to split them up. how was the custody schedule before the engagement?

 

do not let him drag you into any of his plans. you stay out of it and clean.

 

he might go for sole custody and he will probably want you to get into a dirty campaign against his ex - wife -- if that happens, leave. protect yourself and the kids.

 

but i don't think he is trying to steal the kids from the ex - if that was the case, he would have fight for sole custody already. it's really about his huge ego and the fear od having his kids leave with another man AND him coping very badly with that fear.

 

he won't and can't lose the kids - there are laws, for christ's sakes.

Edited by minimariah
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Wait, I'm confused. Did HE get you pregnant?

 

Yep, my bad. I was referring to our relationship leading up to that. We didn't plan on having a baby. Just had sex one drunken night and then I was pregnant. Up until that night, we didn't do anything physical so it wasn't like he was cheating. We just spent a lot of time together.

 

After I got pregnant, it all went so fast. He left his wife. We got married the same year and moved in together. I really wanted to be settled by the time the baby was born. I feel like maybe we did rush things.

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So actually what happened is you were in an affair with a MM, got pregnant and convinced him to leave his wife and kids. Now that that's cleared up, you have trouble on your hands. Your husband is not over his ex wife and is using their kids as an excuse to keep her from remarrying. He sees her at lunches because he still wants her which is why he's over there all the time. He has pulled back on sex with you because he wants to have sex with her and can't stand the thought that she loves this other man enough to marry him. I know you don't want to be a single mom but neither did she when you asked her husband to leave her for you. She is making it and so can you if you have to. Get a job now so you will have your own money and work experience. He isn't going to get over this because he still wants her.

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Yep, my bad. I was referring to our relationship leading up to that. We didn't plan on having a baby. Just had sex one drunken night and then I was pregnant. Up until that night, we didn't do anything physical so it wasn't like he was cheating. We just spent a lot of time together.

 

 

Yes you were having an emotional affair which turned physical and you got pregnant. You were in an affair.

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Hi, thanks for the replies

Maybe...

He goes to her place after work on some days, and at weekends. He just goes when he feels like it, and then tells me after.... Hubby used to see her sometimes on lunch breaks from work, when kids were at school. I don't know if he still does. At the time, he told me that he is trying to stay on her good side so he can keep seeing the kids. He is worried that he is going to lose them.

 

... I just wish that he would suddenly go back to normal. Hate the idea of having to find someone else, but it might have to come to that.

 

 

 

Yeah I agree actually, and didn't think of it that way. He knows that he will still get to see the kids.

 

Well I will keep that in mind. I did think about talking to her but I am worried that he will somehow find out. He would be so mad. I don't know if I trust her enough to talk to her. She was so bitter when he left her for me. I don't blame her for it. I am worried about being a single mom. He pays for everything at the moment. I wish it could be fixed. He was the ideal husband, before ex wife got engaged.

 

Maybe I can talk to her fiance instead? I think he might be more understanding tbh. Have him tell her that her ex is trying to steal the kids from her.

 

You sound very, very, VERY naive.

 

OK, first off, you had an affair, first emotional and then physical. Own it.

 

Second, you do realize that cheaters cheat?

 

And that they do lie?

 

And that it is extremely possible that he has been sleeping with the ex?

 

Did you also know that sometimes exes will hook up, even if they left for someone else?

 

Do you also see that it sounds like the only reason he left you is because he knocked you up?

 

 

And third, your "normal" has always included her. Going to her house after work, for lunch and on the weekends without telling you? :lmao: And you are somehow OK with this?

 

You need to open your eyes. I'll give that he may love you, whether he loves you as much as he loves her OR loves you in the same way as he does her is questionable.

 

But no doubt, he loves her. He's using the kids as an excuse, sorry.

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Michelle ma Belle
Yep, my bad. I was referring to our relationship leading up to that. We didn't plan on having a baby. Just had sex one drunken night and then I was pregnant. Up until that night, we didn't do anything physical so it wasn't like he was cheating. We just spent a lot of time together.

 

After I got pregnant, it all went so fast. He left his wife. We got married the same year and moved in together. I really wanted to be settled by the time the baby was born. I feel like maybe we did rush things.

 

So the real truth here is that you DID have an affair AND got pregnant AND gave him an ultimatum. You're not fooling anyone except maybe yourself. This explains so much about why your hubby is reacting the way he is.

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One other thing you can TRY OP; tell him you and your kids will go on Thanksgiving holiday with him, his ex and their kids. If he doesn't want you to go you will have your answer.

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He is still in love with his wife and now that he is being replaced he wants her back.

 

He does not need to spend time with his ex to be with his children, the fog has lifted for him and now he regrets leaving her.

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Actually re-reading your thread this:

 

He even asked me to seduce her fiancé, so hubby can take pics or whatever... and report back to her...

 

Yeah. Definitely in love with his wife, or his idea of love. Sounds like in his mind you're disposable.

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Yep, my bad. I was referring to our relationship leading up to that. We didn't plan on having a baby. Just had sex one drunken night and then I was pregnant. Up until that night, we didn't do anything physical so it wasn't like he was cheating. We just spent a lot of time together.

 

After I got pregnant, it all went so fast. He left his wife. We got married the same year and moved in together. I really wanted to be settled by the time the baby was born. I feel like maybe we did rush things.

Oh for God's sakes. You've done nothing but try to paint the two of you as innocent lambs who had a crush on each other and he left his wife because of it.

 

He left her because you were having an affair with him and conveniently got pregnant and because you pressured him to leave.

 

He's an irresponsible fool who probably wouldn't have left had you not gotten pregnant. Nicely played.

 

And what did you 'win' in the end?

 

A lying cheater who deserted his wife and kids for his pregnant mistress. THAT'S who you ended up with in the man lottery.

 

Are you REALLY surprised that he asked you to seduce his ex-wife's fiancée in order to break them up? He thinks pretty lowly of you because you got pregnant by a married man. Hypocritical of him? You betcha. But he apparently thinks so little of you that he'd throw you at another man if it got him what he wanted. Not surprising. Cheaters are some of the most selfish people on the planet and he's a proven cheater. So, there's that.

 

He left them and now he is making me and our kids pay for it.

Wow. You really don't see that you helped create this mess? You're no victim. You were right there encouraging him to desert his wife and kids and now you're crying foul? Seriously?

 

You got stuck with a loser. But you knew that going in, and chose him anyway.

 

His ex-wife has apparently found a decent man to replace the weasel she divorced. Good for her. She deserves to be with someone who actually has character and integrity. I would suppose it's killing your husband to know that she's not home crying into her beer every night wishing he'd come back to her.

 

It's often said that you lose them the way you GOT them. I'd be willing to bet that all she'd have to do is crook her finger at him and he'd come running like a lap dog. I sincerely hope she's smarter than that.

Sucks how people can suddenly change.

I'm sure his ex-wife felt the same way when he deserted his family.

 

Look OP. You already KNOW he's capable of deserting those he supposedly loves. You know exactly what this guy is made of - and it's nothing good. He has NO loyalty to anyone but himself.

 

I can almost guarantee you that he's begged her - MORE than once - to reconsider marrying that guy and take HIM back, instead. This crap happens ALL the time. I find it highly comical that he's using his kids as an excuse for why he's so unhappy about her engagement. I say that because I'm assuming the kids he's referring to are same ones he CHOSE to desert when you got pregnant? So basically, he had no problem deserting them for someone else who was having his baby, but now he's suddenly all butt-hurt and concerned about their welfare because there's a new sheriff in town? I think we may need to nominate him for a Father of the Year Award.

 

If I were you, I'd be getting a job and making myself financially independent. All she's got to do is crook her little finger at him and he'll come running to her so fast you'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day.

 

Remember - he has no loyalty to anyone but himself. But you know that.

Edited by Lois_Griffin
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Yep, my bad. I was referring to our relationship leading up to that. We didn't plan on having a baby. Just had sex one drunken night and then I was pregnant. Up until that night, we didn't do anything physical so it wasn't like he was cheating. We just spent a lot of time together.

 

After I got pregnant, it all went so fast. He left his wife. We got married the same year and moved in together. I really wanted to be settled by the time the baby was born. I feel like maybe we did rush things.

 

Sounds like he has some regrets about his choice to leave his wife.

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I don't think this guy loves anyone. He likes having 2 women and now one of his women is about to slip out of his grasp. First he was married and happily having a affair with the OP (it was an affair even though no sex until near the end) and now he's with the OP and has turned his exwife into the OW. His first choice likely would have been to stay with his ex and have OP remain the OW but she forced his hand when she got pregnant. He made a hasty decision and now it sounds like he regrets his choice.

 

 

I say he doesn't love anyone because his plan to have someone seduce the fiancé so that he can show his wife pictures and destroy her relationship is one of the most selfish mean spirited things I have ever heard of anyone doing. If he loved her he would be happy that after he betrayed her and abandoned her that she was able to move on and find love again with a better man. Instead he wants to devastate her all over again rather than let her go. What a psycho creep he is! He doesn't really love the OP either. Their entire marriage he has spent having an inappropriate relationship with his ex-wife. Maybe he is not sleeping with her but he clearly still has feelings for her and tries to hold onto her. He's a horrible father and loves only himself.

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Basically if I was with someone and their ex got engaged or whatever and they acted upset over it I would immediately end the relationship. There wouldn't even be a discussion about it.

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Well we didn't make out or do anything physical. We just spent a lot of time together. He kept wanting to take things further but I didn't know if he was serious about me or just having fun. Then I got pregnant

 

Contradictory...

 

I didn't push him, I just told him that if he doesn't then she is going to find out.

 

Contradictory...

 

I would have told her about us if he hadn't of left her. Still... he picked me over her.

 

And contradictory...

 

Tatalia, I emphasize with the very real challenges you'd face as a single mother and your concerns about your husband's loyalties. But having created a house of straw, you can't be surprised if the first strong wind knocks it down. You should treat you husband as any other spouse confused about his feelings - set clear expectations, establish boundaries and focus on your young children. It would seem some past choices are going to have future consequences...

 

Mr. Lucky

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