Mystic81 Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 So here's some background about my marriage and husband. We got together when I was 20 and he was 21. We have been married now for nearly 12 years with 3 girls aged 6,4 and 18 months. He doesn't have any friends or interests outside the house and I do all the banking,bills,phone calls,organising presents,and most of the chores around the house. There is a history of verbal abuse up till less than 2 weeks ago and has been pushing too. So as my topic header says....I asked my husband for a separation 10 days ago after realising that he is never going to change his ways and I have no attraction for him whatsoever. This has been going on for a long time and I have tried counselling, heaps of self help books, asking him to look after himself and find himself as he is always asking for my opinion, me to help him do stuff, always wanting to be with me, I feel so suffocated. It isn't appealing to me him letting his health go after many attempts of me telling him to see a doctor....it has affected our sex life greatly. We barely have sex once a month...He is struggling with the separation and has said to me that he will have nothing if I leave, is physically ill if I find someone else, and the best years of his life are since he has met me. I do love my husband but as a best friend and the father of my 3 girls. I have tried moving out into the outside sun room but it is summer time now and it gets well over 40 in there. I am not sleeping and really unsure what to do....I have felt even like maybe I should leave permanently because I can't see any other way out. I feel so trapped and guilty for wanting to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 We have been married now for nearly 12 years with 3 girls aged 6,4 and 18 months. Lots at stake here and, from your point of view, a long way to go to get there. Are you open to marriage counseling? It would give you a safe place to have your concerns heard... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 He is struggling with the separation and has said to me that he will have nothing if I leave Mystic, I completely understand you asking for a separation. Does he realise that the above statement is exactly why you're leaving? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) We have been married now for nearly 12 years with 3 girls aged 6,4 and 18 months. He doesn't have any friends or interests outside the house and I do all the banking,bills,phone calls,organising presents,and most of the chores around the house. There is a history of verbal abuse up till less than 2 weeks ago and has been pushing too. So as my topic header says....I asked my husband for a separation 10 days ago after realising that he is never going to change his ways and I have no attraction for him whatsoever. This has been going on for a long time and I have tried counselling, heaps of self help books, asking him to look after himself and find himself as he is always asking for my opinion, me to help him do stuff, always wanting to be with me, I feel so suffocated. I find your post frustrating because you have an 18 month old - what made you want to bring a child into this bad marriage so recently? My parents divorced when I was very young too. As with your marriage, it seems pretty clear that the relationship wasn't very functional before this youngest child came along. Bringing a lot of instability into very young children's lives is generally very damaging. I think you ought to try to fix the relationship because of the children you have with him. Edited November 16, 2015 by lollipopspot 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystic81 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 No not open to marriage counselling as I will be the one to organise it all. I am done with being the one to only work on the marriage. Being a single mum of 3 kids will be extremely hard....I know this as my mum left my alcoholic father and became a single mum to 3 children. I have put their needs before mine for a very long time, which is why I have tried everything only so much one person can do in a marriage that involves two people. No I really don't think he gets it....which is sad because I've been telling him for years now he needs a life out of the house and marriage. I understand you find it frustrating....but unfortunately in life things happen that aren't planned. I wasn't planning on conceiving my daughter the day I was meant to get my monthlies. Was a freak accident and we were going thru counselling at the time. I do not regret having her tho. So you believe parents ought to work things out even if it is one sided just for the children? even tho your a child of divorce?? I am wanting to separate and be under the same roof for my children. I don't want them uprooted like I was as a child..but kids aren't silly either they know when their parents aren't happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 It seems you've totally made your mind up already. How about you tell him that if he can work on all the things you've said over the next few months....you will think of reconsidering leaving him for good..that's divorce. Tell him that you want him to take responsibility. ....but if no matter what he says or does. ..even if he moves mountains you wouldn't go back..then don't give him false hope. There are many online support groups that he can get advice from....but he needs your support too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I'm sorry you're going through this it sounds so hard. I don't agree with some other posters that you need to "work on your marriage" since evidently he won't do any of that work, if it's all about you accepting things as they are then I can see you aren't into that. How are you arranging your separation, are you taking the kids and moving out or is he moving, and if it's him do you expect him to go willingly? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 No not open to marriage counselling as I will be the one to organise it all. I am done with being the one to only work on the marriage. MC isn't all about "working" on your marriage. If done correctly, it's a place where your voice and thoughts can be clearly heard as you determine a path forward, of which separation and divorce might be one possible outcome. It's also a forum in which your husband might be forced to understand the consequences of his verbal and physical abuse. You might find it works for rather than against you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I think once a woman is emotionally disengaged, that's pretty much the end for her. The OP is at the end. Been there, done that, didn't want marriage counseling either because I was no longer in love with him. I also get the distinct impression that you don't respect him anymore. That can also cause you to lose love for someone. I have to agree that a whiny, ineffectual, weak, emotionally dependent man is probably one of the most unattractive things on earth. You're not attracted to him, you're not in love, and you no longer respect him. I get it. I do. Have you been getting your ducks in a row financially? Will you be able to support your children along with the child support he'll be paying? Do you have a job or are you sending out resumes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystic81 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 I would love him to work on himself and be independent but I want him to do it for him not me! He doesn't understand how unhealthy it is. I don't want to divorce but I have little hope of him changing. He is finally getting healthier and I've taught him how to pay a bill....but it is frustrating. I think I have overlooked marriage counselling in that aspect. When we got counselling 2.5 years ago it wasn't like that...but I guess all counselors are different. He is very open to going to counselling as long as I want it too. Lois_Griffin you described how I am feeling completely....I am a stay at home mum due to both of us wanting that for our young children. I have money saved but would have to rely on government payments till they go to school. I am wanting to work but the daycare would chew up all my finances, would be the same financially if I stayed home. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I understand you find it frustrating....but unfortunately in life things happen that aren't planned. I wasn't planning on conceiving my daughter the day I was meant to get my monthlies. I would probably rely on more than the rhythm method, in a troubled marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Does your husband suffer with depression? He really sounds like he could use some counseling and medication. It sounds like he works and you take care of everything on the home front. I understand how you can come to resent this as your job is 24/7 while his is probably 40-50 hours a week and then he expects to be able to just hang out when he is off work. I worked part time and now full time and I also take 95% of the responsibility for the kids and housework and it is exhausting. I don't think my husband really thought about it and I didn't complain or demand he step up to the plate. It does build resentments. At least my H payed bills and was a good provider as far as money goes, but the rest of it he stunk at. My kids even know that if they need help, ask mom. I do think your husband's verbal abuse and physical pushing crossed a line and probably effected your ability to respect him the most. I would not allow verbal abuse to happen and if anything physical ever occurred it would have been over. I am sorry you are going through this, but your husband sounds like he really could have some mental illness. If nothing else he needs counseling for the yelling and pushing. He does not handle conflict well if that's how he has coped. I don't blame you for wanting to separate and move on with your life. Maybe it will motivate him to clean up his act. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emerald_11 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 No not open to marriage counselling as I will be the one to organise it all. I am done with being the one to only work on the marriage. Being a single mum of 3 kids will be extremely hard....I know this as my mum left my alcoholic father and became a single mum to 3 children. I have put their needs before mine for a very long time, which is why I have tried everything only so much one person can do in a marriage that involves two people. No I really don't think he gets it....which is sad because I've been telling him for years now he needs a life out of the house and marriage. I understand you find it frustrating....but unfortunately in life things happen that aren't planned. I wasn't planning on conceiving my daughter the day I was meant to get my monthlies. Was a freak accident and we were going thru counselling at the time. I do not regret having her tho. So you believe parents ought to work things out even if it is one sided just for the children? even tho your a child of divorce?? I am wanting to separate and be under the same roof for my children. I don't want them uprooted like I was as a child..but kids aren't silly either they know when their parents aren't happy. I put the needs of my children before mine as well. I believe that it would be more detrimental to the children to stay in an unhappy place with a person you used to be in love with. It will alter what they believe love and marriage are all about. It would be better to Co parent the children and for both of you to find true happiness. I think you are doing the right thing to just be honest about your feelings. I do think it is possible that you or your husband could have some kind of post pardem depression (men can have this too). Since you had a baby less than 2 years ago. It might be a really good idea to at least try counseling before you make any permanent decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
cgiles Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I know you are not in mind of doing something for save the marriage, expecting it to come from him, but you should send him this link : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf If he reads it, follow the breakfree exercices, and doesn't rootly change, I don't know what will. Link to post Share on other sites
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