calicrompa30404 Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 My husband (36) said to me he wanted to get out of Los Angeles for half the year, live in Madison, WI, said it'd be a better place to live, a good place to bring up our daughter, who's 5. I told him no, I have important work commitments here, he steamrollered me, said "We're going there, I can get a job easily.". My husband's got dual citizenship of U.S. and Canada, I met him in L.A. 11 years ago, we started dating August 2004, we've been married for 4 years now. He's not normally controlling, very chilled out and laidback, but I don't understand this sudden obsession with Madison, WI, he spends hours reading news from there online, wants us to do a roadtrip there, looks up property there, is deadly serious on this. He said he wants to buy property, wants us to own two homes. That's no big deal to most, but to us... it is for me, I grew up in poverty in LA, English mom (of 1/2 Chinese and English descent), Canadian dad, mixed ethnicity, I'm English, Chinese, French-Canadian, so second homes are a big deal to me. He knows and works with celebs like Kayla Ewell, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift etc., works in showbiz (we're wealthy ; well I suppose I now am because I'm married to him), I don't, it's like two different lifestyles we have, but we somehow manage to make it work. However, he's insistent that we live in both places; he wants us to live in LA from August to New Year, and Madison, WI, January toAugust . I said to him, that's crazy, left field, it'd never work, but he's insistent, I'm worrying over things like tax returns, IRS, property taxes, loans etc. but he's convinced it's glamorous, said we should do it. We're a family, he can't just up and move to another state like this, he's refusing to see my PoV, says this is workable. I just don't know what to do, he's so insistent over this idea, and I'm getting so damn upset and stressed, would appreciate some advice. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 His unilateral decision is maddening. However, to keep your family together are you willing to consider not living in LA? Are you willing to spend a month or so there? Try that. Get him to talk about other options. This should not be a cut & dried issue so give a little to get a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) That's no big deal to most, but to us... it is for me, I grew up in poverty in LA, English mom (of 1/2 Chinese and English descent), Canadian dad, mixed ethnicity, I'm English, Chinese, French-Canadian, so second homes are a big deal to me. What does your ethnicity have to do with owning a second home? *my mother is Korean; we also grew up lower income until she started her own business... now she has 3 houses that she owns* Edited November 16, 2015 by Ms. Faust 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kovsky Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Maybe your husband is a Green Bay Packers fan and loves cheese, hence his obsession with Wisconsin? Celebrities commute like that between states and even between countries so it's not impossible to do even with children involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Actually having a second home in Madison (which is an amazing city, btw) to get away from the hectic life sounds nice. Maybe a compromise and try a rental for a year? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I would love to be able to be so mobile that I could live in more than one place throughout the year. However, you'll have to work out the details of school where your daughter is concerned. Still, it could work. The big thing that bothers me is that he's not discussing this with you, he's cramming it down your throat. That's not the way to handle things. I'm also curious about why he's fixated on this particular location. Are you sure he's not having an affair and trying to position himself to be near her? Or perhaps trying to push you, knowing that you'll fight the move and separate from him? I hate to suggest that but his actions point in one of those directions simply because of his insistence and being fixed on a particular location. If it's a place he has always talked about, that's understandable but if this is a sudden thing, I'd be very suspicious. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Kovsky Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 All the wealthy people I know have second homes in other states or rental properties abroad that they rent out to other people and timeshare it. Countryside homes or city flats. If you're wealthy, it's the norm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I would say this is a good idea, overall - the only catch is how to split time. When your daughter is in school, she should be in one place - and the same place preferably - for the school year. Everything else is a non-issue really, only unreasonable objections to something you oppose for no good reason that I can see. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Who cares about the taxes? If you have $$$, the accountants deal with that. As to his plan, he's got it all wrong. You should use it as a summer home. If he wants to go to Wisconsin in January, he SHOULD be going alone! What you want to do is enjoy the nice, summer weather up there May or June to fall,then spend winters in LA. It sounds great to me. I do something similar. A question I have is: What is the REAL reason you don't want to do it? Your reasons aren't very good. You're grasping at straws. There has to be some real feeling making you try to use taxes as an excuse. What are those real feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I'm also very suspicious.....sure, the idea of a second home getaway sounds great, but why does it have to be a highly specific, non-resort place like Madison, WI, during such a specific, unconventional time as January to August? So you can catch the best of both the blizzards and the humidity and mosquitoes? Or for some more nefarious purpose...... I suggest: 1) Be very cautious of finances, assets, and decision making....don't make any transactions you may regret if the M ends up kaput 2) Be aware that Wisconsin requires 6 months residency by 1 party for filing divorce, and some men's rights advocates have pointed to Wisconsin as a male-friendly state for divorce (not sure if it's true, but it does have that rep among some). "According to one of the most thorough surveys of child custody outcomes, which looked at Wisconsin between 1996 and 2007, the percentage of divorce cases in which the mother got sole custody dropped from 60.4 to 45.7 percent while the percentage of equal shared custody cases, in just that decade, doubled from 15.8 to 30.5." 3) Agree to explore the idea, but ask that you also look in other states or cities. Observe closely to see how he responds to this idea. 4) Start a confidential, password-protected journal where you record any substantial acts or statements that seem unusual 5) Read the chilling case of http://www.supremecourt.ohio.gov/rod/docs/pdf/0/2007/2007-Ohio-973.pdf, where a husband in the guise of financial improvement for the family moved from Ohio to California, and lived there for 6 months while his wife sold the Ohio house, quit her job and packed the furniture and kids. Throughout the 6 months, the H lulled the W with plans for their future. However, within hours of his family arriving and "reuniting" in Calif, the husband announced that he'd been screwing around and wanted a divorce. This plan was calculated purely to gain a presumed advantage in the divorce that he then filed immediately. 6) See a family lawyer and find out how to protect yourself. I hope I'm wrong..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I'm also very suspicious.....sure, the idea of a second home getaway sounds great, but why does it have to be a highly specific, non-resort place like Madison, WI, during such a specific, unconventional time as January to August? So you can catch the best of both the blizzards and the humidity and mosquitoes? Noticed this also. I've been to Madison in the summertime, there are many days of 90 degrees with very high humidity. Absolutely miserable... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Your husband wants to live in Wisconsin in the dead of winter??? Has he ever lived in a cold climate...? Link to post Share on other sites
MissCongeniality Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Actually having a second home in Madison (which is an amazing city, btw) to get away from the hectic life sounds nice. Maybe a compromise and try a rental for a year? This sounds like a good idea. Do you have the money? Or is your husband spending money you don't have? Sometimes you just need to get away. Regardless I wouldn't get anything permanent he might end up with buyers remorse and that can open up a whole new can of worms. So just rent until you come to a final decision. Your husband wants to live in Wisconsin in the dead of winter??? Has he ever lived in a cold climate...? Good question most want to go to California not from it. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 My husband (36) said to me he wanted to get out of Los Angeles for half the year, live in Madison, WI, said it'd be a better place to live, a good place to bring up our daughter, who's 5. I told him no, I have important work commitments here, he steamrollered me, said "We're going there, I can get a job easily.". .................... Calicrompa, A few comments. First, Madison is a WAY BETTER place to raise your daughter.... just a fact. But it won't work unless she's in school there for the complete school year. She will need to develop friends and associations with her schooling, and a "dual" school will suck. So, even if you do this, you need to be there from Sept to May OR you need to stay in LA over the same time, and visit the other city in the summer. IF you are fortunate to have good schooling options in LA (which is rare), then Madison is MUCH nicer to visit in the summer. Pretty nice weather, bugs aren't bad, people are MUCH nicer and there's lots to do. Madison in the winter is brutal, but if you like the snow, there are tons of fun things to do in the winter. You get used to it (or put up with it). However, either way, unless you and he have a lot of employment flexibility being gone 3 months or more at a time can be a challenge. But, if self employed, not too bad. ==== FWIW, I've spend a TON of time in both places, and you couldn't pay me enough to live in either. I'd certainly choose a better weather state and a more friendly state government. Both are lousy. But that's YOUR choice (along with the hubby). As for two homes, it has it's good and bads. I did it for years, and overall, there were more problems than it was worth, but certainly fun at times. Nice to just make a instant decision and fly there for a weekend or for a month or two. Getting someone to house sit the vacant house when gone.... moving personal stuff back and forth, and/or having duplicate stuff. Double the cost of living bill (but not a huge factor if you have the money). What I did, is just have duplicate everything, except my personal computer and checkbook, so travel was easy. A strong argument against it, is that without two houses, you can go anywhere and rent cheaper and not worry about maintaining a second home. BUT, you need to be on the same page with your husband and should really make this kind of choice together. And you need to discuss the goods and bads. You "can" have a lot of fun with a summer home... perhaps a smaller home somewhere with recreation and good living. Living on one of Madison's lakes would be really neat and fun, but there are better places for that. How much have you discussed this with him? And is he flexible? Does he realize the issues with your kid in school. And the issues with employment? Etc., etc. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 All the wealthy people I know have second homes in other states or rental properties abroad that they rent out to other people and timeshare it. Countryside homes or city flats. If you're wealthy, it's the norm. No, it's not the norm. The wealthy people (for the most part) rent... it's cheaper and you can go wherever you want. It's the upper middle class that typically have two homes. And the "vacation" home is much more popular. However, not for me btdt. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I can definitely see getting the heck out of LA. I do not think Madison wi would be my choice though. But heck go visit it. see what it is like for a week in a hotel. you might actually like it. You might just be scared to move out of the city! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Hate to burst his bubble but unless you're homeschooling your daughter, she will have to go to school from around Sept-June of each year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Madison is great. I think it would be an ideal town to raise a kid, if you can get used to he cold. I dont think January would be a terrble time to be there. There is some skiing in that area, and the lake is very beautiful in the winter. Coming from LA though midwestern winters could be a shock. I am not sure what your opposition is all about, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
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