Phoenician Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 17 years When we met , I noticed that she is a bit Low desire ; but she is a great person , she is lazy a bit , so what ! years after years , nothing was left except a memory ; years after years , my desires becomes seen as abnormal fantasies. respect , love and intimacy flew from the window , what is left is just a rotten Service level agreement ; where each one of us is trying to maintain better conditions . WHO IS WRONG ? I don't know and I don't care anymore , we are both deceived and in pain , that's what I know for sure . A heavy load and a slow moving ship . My advise to anyone at early stages in marriage or engagement , NEVER EVER Ignore red alerts , if you are HD and partner is LD , don't waste your time ,break it before it is too late . if partner is Lazy and you are energetic , throw the towel too. You can never change someone , never fall in this trap . I am just venting , Because at this stage , I can see that my marriage is over , and whatever is done now is just how to make the ending looks better . Link to post Share on other sites
Vanillalife2014 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 17 years When we met , I noticed that she is a bit Low desire ; but she is a great person , she is lazy a bit , so what ! years after years , nothing was left except a memory ; years after years , my desires becomes seen as abnormal fantasies. respect , love and intimacy flew from the window , what is left is just a rotten Service level agreement ; where each one of us is trying to maintain better conditions . WHO IS WRONG ? I don't know and I don't care anymore , we are both deceived and in pain , that's what I know for sure . A heavy load and a slow moving ship . My advise to anyone at early stages in marriage or engagement , NEVER EVER Ignore red alerts , if you are HD and partner is LD , don't waste your time ,break it before it is too late . if partner is Lazy and you are energetic , throw the towel too. You can never change someone , never fall in this trap . I am just venting , Because at this stage , I can see that my marriage is over , and whatever is done now is just how to make the ending looks better . Seems we are sailing on the same boat only difference here is we got married a year and a half back after dating each other for a decade We both are young (28) and it was our first and only relationship. My wife is always low on energy, The was a time when we used to talk to each other only with our eyes unfortunately we hardly have a decent and sensible conversation these days!! She seems to be very distracted while we are go out ( hardly any eye contact) and all what we talk makes no sense. Also physical relation between us has gone for a toss ( once in 10 days) that's after lots of request and most of the time it seems like it's almost one sided!! She's been off the job ever since we have got married (1.5 years) also we have no liability or any financial burden still don't get the point why is this happening Have encouraged her to join gym, go for walks and involve into anything productive for her but she's always disinterested. Have spoken the intimacy and well as issue with her energy most of the time she ends up denying and I hate geting into non sensible arguments. All I can hope is good luck to people in such situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Vanilla , I don't want to be mean , but i still try to find an answer if this the person I want to spend my life with .... the logical answer is a straight no , I have 3 kids so my boat is a heavy one ... For society she is a great women , descent , nice , etc ... for me we reached a point we don't respect each other anymore because , she doesn't respect my desires , takes me for granted in everything . I became a doormat , trying all the time to releif her , taking care of kids ; playing the role of father and mother ... I reached a point where I don't want to hate her , she has definetly mental disorder ; refused to get help ... but what can you do when the closest person to u refuse to get help ... If you are sure about your situation , you need to thing seriously about your situation ; people think sometimes it is just sexual issues ; I don't care about sexual issues anymore , it is way beyond ... I which I was in LS 15 yrs back ... because now , I can see that I have a misreable life , a miserable family ; despite the fact that I have a great house and kids , but not every house is a home ! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I have some older male friends like this, most married 30 years or more. The guys simply go off and do their own thing if their spouse, upon engagement, shows disinterest. Basically, the legal partnerships are too complex, to them, to unwind at their point in life so they deal with it in other ways. From what I've observed directly, they still offer opportunities to share experiences and living and, if the opportunity is declined, OK, see ya later. Conversely, if they feel like participating in anything their spouse is involved in they join them. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Essentially, they've moved beyond resentment or anger and simply accept how things are and go their own way while still remaining married. Healthy? IDK. It works for them. In their cases, most are grandparents or great grandparents and kids, in some cases, are nearly my age so long since adults. Hence, if they wanted to divorce, from the standpoint of children, it would be no issue. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Vanilla , I don't want to be mean , but i still try to find an answer if this the person I want to spend my life with .... the logical answer is a straight no , I have 3 kids so my boat is a heavy one ... For society she is a great women , descent , nice , etc ... for me we reached a point we don't respect each other anymore because , she doesn't respect my desires , takes me for granted in everything . I became a doormat , trying all the time to releif her , taking care of kids ; playing the role of father and mother ... I reached a point where I don't want to hate her , she has definetly mental disorder ; refused to get help ... but what can you do when the closest person to u refuse to get help ... If you are sure about your situation , you need to thing seriously about your situation ; people think sometimes it is just sexual issues ; I don't care about sexual issues anymore , it is way beyond ... I which I was in LS 15 yrs back ... because now , I can see that I have a misreable life , a miserable family ; despite the fact that I have a great house and kids , but not every house is a home ! Maybe its menopause. This in itself changes women. They don't all experience crazy symptoms but many do. I have seen it in myself, tears for no reason, loss of self esteem and feeling low and sometimes angry out of the blue. Either way a better approach is not to blame everything on your spouse. Things build up, no one discusses and they build more, the cracks grow into huge valleys over time and both partners missed chances to make it right. You can part with empathy and understanding and peacefully, but do not part with blame and finger pointing if you can help it. If my husband felt like you do, I would want the quickest divorce possible. I divorced my highschool sweetheart many years ago. It wasn't love, we were different human beings, but we ended respectfully, I took nothing in the divorce and we drove to the proceedings together. Try and just think the marriage no longer serves us, and remember she has good qualities too and just sit her down and explain the desire to work on it is no longer there and you are going to file. Don't waste another day of your life doing nothing about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Vanillalife2014 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Vanilla , I don't want to be mean , but i still try to find an answer if this the person I want to spend my life with .... the logical answer is a straight no , I have 3 kids so my boat is a heavy one ... For society she is a great women , descent , nice , etc ... for me we reached a point we don't respect each other anymore because , she doesn't respect my desires , takes me for granted in everything . I became a doormat , trying all the time to releif her , taking care of kids ; playing the role of father and mother ... I reached a point where I don't want to hate her , she has definetly mental disorder ; refused to get help ... but what can you do when the closest person to u refuse to get help ... If you are sure about your situation , you need to thing seriously about your situation ; people think sometimes it is just sexual issues ; I don't care about sexual issues anymore , it is way beyond ... I which I was in LS 15 yrs back ... because now , I can see that I have a misreable life , a miserable family ; despite the fact that I have a great house and kids , but not every house is a home ! Sadly again I can relate to you word to word. Deep inside your mind you know it better if you want to spend your life with her or not perhaps you need to sit and talk to your own self in peace to get a way out of this. 3 kids and a divorce is not a option I guess but when you run out of all means including even a psychological therapy where your wife is in a state if denial that she needs one makes things difficult for sure. We are at a similar state of where there is hardly any respect between us at times her tone is too loud most of the times it seems like she's yelling rather than communicating which automatically makes me fee like like not listening to her!! Although I have bought this up plenty of times all she gets away with is " I was always like this" whereas it was never the case before. When it comes outside four walls my wife seems to be just fine in public infact perfect!!! However the moment we reach home she's a different person so far I used to think I am the only one! I have time and again bought this concern out opted to help her in all possible ways however she bluntly refuses the situation and conveniently blames me for every thing. Hope things settle soon with you!! Regards! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 vanillalife , It seems we are on the same boat my friend , it is a painfull journey ; sometimes i feel that she has lost any sense of feeling even to her kids . she is abusive by her silence to kids , and if she talks she is more abusive . same thing here , mine is seen as a perfect women outside home , the moment she puts her feet at home , she is a different person . good luck and hope u find rest , best Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 If you want your golf game to improve, especially as you approach middle age, stick with her. Youll find yourself wanting to and actually playing more and more. Practice makes perfect doesn't it? Of course the same applies to fishing, hunting, motorcycle riding and I suppose hang gliding and survival camping. It won't get better and will wear you out trying to make it better. Do not give her the opportunity of a new hobby for her--motherhood-- until this mess is resolved. You'll end up playing both parental roles. BTW has any doctor checked her thyroid function? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 If you want your golf game to improve, especially as you approach middle age, stick with her. Youll find yourself wanting to and actually playing more and more. Practice makes perfect doesn't it? Of course the same applies to fishing, hunting, motorcycle riding and I suppose hang gliding and survival camping. It won't get better and will wear you out trying to make it better. Do not give her the opportunity of a new hobby for her--motherhood-- until this mess is resolved. You'll end up playing both parental roles. BTW has any doctor checked her thyroid function? Thanks for the advise , Yes thyroid was suspected but all mediacl tests over the years proved it is not the case . Things are moving dramatically now , yesterday she left home to her parents house when I send her a note that she has to change , my only two conditions were to respect me and play the role of a good mom emotionally . she even packed what is enough for her for month ; kids are now are asking about her , I have to sit down and explain the situation ! I am so confused ! Link to post Share on other sites
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