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Having serious second thoughts about the relationship. Help!


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I didn't really know what catagory to put this post in, so I've opted for a general catagory - so I apologise if this in the wrong place, but bear with me. I've never really discussed this stuff with anyone before as I've always felt a bit ashamed, despite it not really being my fault.

 

Basically, I'm having serious second thoughts about the relationship with my other half, but I do understand that things between me and my missus are tough at the moment and I'm not sure whether this is normal for me to feel this way. We have a seven month old baby together who I love to bits, but I just feel as though the relationship with my fiance isn't really there anymore. Perhaps I have the equivilent of post-natal?

 

My main issue at the moment is that she comes across as being very cold, the sex is almost non-existent, and she never seems to want to make an effort and it's making me a bit depressed to be honest. Whilst I appreciate that it's not even been a year since she gave birth, this isn't the first time I've felt this way. Nearly two years ago I came very close to breaking the relationship off because she seemed very distant and the physical side of the relationship had gone completely. Things improved a lot after a discussion, and she had promised to be a bit more loving and so on in future. We decided to have our little-one, and now things have basically gone back to how they were beforehand and I'm now at a loss.

It doesn't matter how I try and discuss things with her about how I feel, she switches off and won't talk properly. I don't think she does it because she's a horrible person, it's just that she hates confrontation so will say 'ok' to everything, but things only improve for a very short space of time before it goes back to how it was before.

We have a marriage booked for next year, and I'm really getting cold feet.

 

There is another thing that has been eating away at me for many years though. (This was, in her defence a good five years ago.) I know for a fact that she cheated on me years ago now, although she won't admit it totally. Long story short, she met someone else on holiday, dumped me by text message, and then carried on seeing the guy after she got back (even arranged a flight for him to come and see her.) About two months later she had told me she made a mistake and wanted me back. Thing is, she says that nothing happened, and that this other guy was visiting the country for work (it wasn't, they both arranged for him to stay over at her student flat at the time, and I know this because I had managed to hack her emails at the time, rightly or wrongly.)

 

She has never admitted that there was anything sexual to the relationship, and she denies that he visited the country just to see her for a week. I've never had the guts to actually say to her that I knew all along. I've recently stumbled across some more information though that just further reiterates what I already knew, and although I did already know it, it's reopened some old wounds. I can't help but feel as though I was like the fall-back option, and it's not a pleasant feeling. Despite that being 5 years back (and without taking the month or so gap into consideration we've been together 8 years now) I still can't get the thought out my head and I live with it constantly, and it does chip away at me, and sometimes in arguments I just want to bring it up. Thing is, I'd feel like the guilty one for talking about something so old - it would feel as though I'm digging up the past just to hurt her. But I guess it's still hurting me, so I don't know what to do regarding this. I thought if I just buried it that the feelings would go, but if anything they are getting worse.

 

At the time that she cheated I was suffering from severe depression and I was a pain to live around, so I can understand it from her point of view to a point. But then it also seems more cruel too, so I don't know. And I'm hardly a saint either, around the same time another girl came on the scene, but I broke it off before anything happened (didn't even kiss or anything, just saw a few films and stuff) because I'm not that sort of person and I felt so guilty just doing that.

 

I don't know why I'm posting to here to be honest. I just feel like there is no spark anymore. I feel like I try and she doesn't want to respond. I'll try and kiss her when the babies put to bed for the evening and she'll make some unromantic response about the washing-up needs doing, or something else that's totally trivial. If I'm 100% honest, if it wasn't for the little-one I would cut my losses and leave, but I can't imagine doing that to my own child. I feel totally isolated.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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StalwartMind

Often throughout life we face situations where we find ourselves standing at crossroads, without knowing which one will be the best path. Sometimes all of them may to lead into an unwelcoming future, but even so you still need to make a choice, because if you don't then you'll just find yourself stuck in where you are currently at.

 

When someone is difficult to communicate with, then you will more than likely always have issues reappear. Not everyone have the desire or wish to make the effort to make things better, and it can be for a variety of reasons. You can speculate forever, without becoming one bit more aware of what's actually going on. You have things that eat away at you, personally I can't live like that, but I prefer taking confrontations, even ones that may lead to unpleasant responses. The thing is, if you are actually dealing with a sensible person, no matter the situation, you should in theory have nothing to fear. All too often though that is not the case, but perhaps that is even more a reminder of why we perhaps aren't in a place where we need to be. This doesn't have to mean the end of something (like the relationship), but more of a motivation to do something to fix your situation. Maybe that means talking, getting help or yes even splitting. No matter what it doesn't really benefit either of you to just "put up" with something if it actually makes you both unhappy.

 

It's not for me or anyone else to decide how much effort you both put into the relationship, these days it seems as if it's the standard to just replace someone instead of working on a problem. Of course there are still those who are willing to make things work, but sometimes there is also just not much to work with at all. There is really no shame in whatever ends up happening, regardless of who is at "fault" or not.

 

I've always felt that no issue is too big or small to bring up, anyone should be able to tell me anything, especially my partner/friends/family. I'm not sure if bringing up what nags you from the past is the best idea, I would do it if it was me, but from what you write it just seems like there is a lot to talk about, and if it can be solved it's going to happen over a longer period of time. I'm sure you've tried, as you did mention before, there are many ways to keep trying though, ideally it's about you understanding her even if you may not agree with how she thinks or acts. No matter what though, at some point you will need to decide if, you actually feel you've put in enough effort, and it's simply not worth it anymore or so. If you come to that conclusion then you owe it to yourself to get out, only you can decide where or when your limit is.

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I believe she avoids confrontation bad enough to where resentments build up and she no longer feels attracted to you. This can create a sexual and emotional ice age that lasts years in the relationship because she won't talk! Expect it to get worse in a marriage when the stakes are higher.

 

She needs to talk to you. She needs therapy.

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futureglory263

hi binxie, thanks for sharing. i'm sorry to hear about the situation you're going through right now. while all relationships have their good and bad times, it would be hard to say whether what you're feeling is normal or not because of the specific nature of your relationship.

 

i see that you have tried to talk with her about these issues of communcation, desires and how you feel within your relationship, yet she seems to want to avoid these issues, or skirts confrontation. how open do you feel that you and her would be to couple counseling? it provides a means for a safe environment to open up about these issues and encourages open lines of communication. it can also help you as a couple to develop healthy habits in the relationship that can stretch into long-term behaviors, not just short term temporary fixes.

 

do you have close friends, or family that you can confide in that you can reach out to for support? these are the type of people who generally have your best interest in mind. perhaps they can give you an honest assessment of your relationship and shine some advice to you...especially if they know your fiance as well.

 

as for bringing up past wrongs done to you, i would say that's probably not the best thing to do. i totally understand and agree that what she did was unfair and wrong to you. but i always try and think how i would feel if i was the other person.. of course i wouldn't want my past mistakes to be brought up again. and that's what forgiveness is all about. and i see that you love your fiance very much, and isn't that a big part of being loving? and forgiveness (in our human efforts) is not always something that is done just once. oftentimes, (especially if we have been really wronged), forgiveness is something that needs to be done over and over again. and it's freeing. it frees us from our anger, our bitterness, and it frees us from these things to be able to love again. wishing you all the best

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Don't get married with all these doubts. At the very least postpone the wedding.

 

It isn't a loving relationship and one of you will just end up cheating.

 

See a doctor for your depression and try couples counselling to air your issues and try and form a healthier relationship. Both of you need to air your grievances and try and get advice on a way forward. Honesty would be something to insist on and if you do try counselling, make it clear that before you commit to marriage, you would like the whole truth regarding the cheating that she denies.

 

Don't let on that you know what you do. If she continues to lie, then you can know you tried and decide it's over .

 

Just work out how to coparent and find a partner who is more what you want. This marriage would only end in divorce.

 

You didn't deal with the cheating and swept it under the carpet. You decided to have a child when your relationship wasn't great, so don't make another mistake by getting married.

 

Can I just ask if you help with the baby though?

Does she get a break?

Any time on her own? To socialise?

 

Do you help with housework etc

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ShatteredLady

The first couple of years after having a baby can be brutal. It takes strength to get through that. BOTH of you! First time Mums often try to do it all & that's so exhausting. Hormones & depression can last a very long time to get past if ignored.

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Don't get married with all these doubts. At the very least postpone the wedding.

 

Surprised to hear this. What commitment does marriage represent that they haven't already established by having a child together :confused: ???

 

There is another thing that has been eating away at me for many years though. (This was, in her defence a good five years ago.)

 

You were certainly wronged and there was a time to address this - 5 years ago. In voluntarily moving on and becoming parents together, you've essentially agreed to let this go.

 

You're thinking about making big decisions during a difficult and stressful time, never a good idea. Talk, support, consider and compromise - that's what should be on your mind in your child's first year. Keep posting and let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Surprised to hear this. What commitment does marriage represent that they haven't already established by having a child together :confused: ???

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Suprised to hear it from me? Or in general?

 

My personal view is marriage before children, however with so many nagging doubts from the OP, why get married to add to the bad situation? It will only lead to divorce.

 

I just don't think a child should have been brought into it, with unresolved issues and cheating.

 

It should be a case of working on the relationship towards a marriage or coparent and pursue other relationships.

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