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My husband decided to move back home


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Whatitistoburn

Almost a decade ago, my husband decided to move across continents leaving everything behind to be with me. For years, he's worked so hard to get to the top of the corporate ladder. We now have everything we need and more. We're in a really good place right now have survived hardships and marriage woes. The only thing missing is a child which we are working on at the moment... But then, one day, he told me he decided to move back home. He probably contemplated on this for awhile without telling me because his parents are elderly and they refuse to get a private nurse or any help or assistance as they are very private people. I understand the decision that he made. I love and rEspect him for it but "home" is very expensive and even after we sell everything we own, we still cannot afford to buy a small apartment there. "Home" also doesn't allow bringing in animals from where we are which means We also have to leave our pets behind. I've been suffering from depression and this has really gotten to me.

 

So he's looking for a place for us there but everything is either too expensive (even the cheapest is expensive) or crap. I told him I cannot bear to think that the man I love will have to go through this like we're a couple of struggling lovers in their 20s trying to survive in a big city. He is a very accomplished, highly respected and loved man. To be honest, I'd rather be gone than have him go through this again. I'm saying this because This is all because of me. He left home because of me. Now, he cant stay with his parents because of me (the house is not big enough for us) so he has to go through this ordeal just to get me there. I told him I should just stay here and will just follow when things become better. I will find a decent paying job so we can save more. Obviously, he wasn't happy with that.

 

So I'm asking for any input from anyone who's been through the same or similar situation. Yes I'm weak, selfish and crazy. Say what you have to say. I need help.

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He loves you. I would go with him. What's the difference between you getting a job there or where you're currently at?

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I think it is selfish of his parents to expect you guys to sell off everything, leave your life and move to a city you can't afford just because they are too private to hire the proper help. The help they hire could care less about their private business. Does your husband have any siblings that could help. What is wrong with the parents that they need you there? Are they both sick?

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his parents are elderly and they refuse to get a private nurse or any help or assistance as they are very private people.

 

I guess he should have thought about this before he moved away. I understand about aging parents but why should you and your H have to turn your world upside down because H parents refuse outside help. I think if they are asking for H to come home it's selfish on there part. And if H is making this choice on his own he needs to reevaluate this choice and you need to tell him no it won't work for you. Separating is never a good idea for a relationship, you are his wife and you should be his first priority.

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I'm with your H, in that I feel it's nice that he wants to be near his elderly parents.

 

If you even possibly see a divorce ahead after he leaves without you, you NEED to tell him now. That may change his mind.

 

Of course if it were me, I would go with him but I like adventures, and don't need to own the house I'm currently living in. I would just keep the one I have and rent it out or buy something more rentable and rent that out. Maybe you could come back to it to live when you retire. People matter more than houses and jobs.

Edited by Popsicle
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Perhaps I'm cold. I would not destroy my life and cause relationship issues due to parents. Seen it happen before, parents guilt children. The kids flip life upside down. Then in a few years the parents die with the kids now stuck in a place don't want to be. Or the parents live for a decade plus and just regress the Heck out of thier kids. Why there isn't a option for another care taker I don't know. If house isn't big enough for you to live in, then how much care do they need given couldn't have a live in nurse. Maybe they need a life alert and a hoveround.

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Whatitistoburn

Thank you for your replies. Reading them actually made me feel better somehow. Not many know about the situation, only my mom and a couple of close friends. My mom doesn't want us to leave of course but friends think it's great because they think that country is a "dream"

 

I did think and said it to him at one point. He should've thought about it before he left the first time. But he was impatient and couldn't wait for me to move there. At the time, we were young and so in love. I ddnt even hesitate to move to be with him but when he saw it was taking a bit of time to process papers, etc, he decided to move here. So this is what he tells me, "I know it is not easy but he's done this before to be with me - leave everything behind including his beloved pets and so now it's my turn." That shut me up.

 

I know if it's hard for me, it's even harder for him. I'm the carefree, live for the moment type (or so I thought) while he's the planner. I suppose the life that we have now is what he had in mind years ago when we just started out. looking back made me realize that he's been the one making major decisions for us from him moving here to us settling in the suburbs. I'm a city girl and didn't dream for a white picket fence and cars to be honest I just wanted a unit in the city near work and cafes. Moving to the suburbs meant me leaving my work and being a stay at home wife. That's been what I've been doing for nearly a decade - looked after him, the huge house, the animals. Friends and family are far away so I don't often see them. The other day I overheard him talking to his friend saying, he's putting his plan in motion and that resistance is futile. I'll get over it and get used to the idea." This made me feel worse and I'm back to being so depressed again.

 

One parent is terminally ill and yes they've been wanting him to come home. theyve been going to the doctor but don't want to move to a retirement village or hire a private nurse (not live in but one who can do regular visits) He has one sibling but he's moved far away and according to H, it's all because of the wife. The wife has not been allowing him (and their kids )to see the parents because they had a falling off. Recently though, he's been visiting them but still the kids were not allowed.

 

H said he feels guilty. I told him that for so long I've been urging him to visit and call more often but moving is a bit extreme. He already found a place for us and he plans to rent that and still keep our house (note the rent is almost the same amount that we pay for the bank for our mortgage so that means everything will be doubled) Here because we might come back. When he said we will keep the house, I told him I could just stay here and just visit him every month. Someone has to look after the house and the animals. I guess I'm being ridiculous. He doesn't want to leave without me and said he should be reason enough for me to go. I said, "You moved here for me. Am I not reason enough for you to stay now?" I know I'm crazy! I sure am but this is my life, our life and yes I'm scared. This has been our life for nearly a decade and all of that will change and part of change is me losing my furry babies and me giving up on the hope of having a child. That is not easy. And yes, I have thought about not going but never thought of divorce.

 

Right now, it seems like he has made a decision and I have no choice. If I want us to stay married, I have to go with him. He's made up his mind.

 

Sorry for the long post and thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it

Edited by Whatitistoburn
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Here's a question: why can't his elderly parents move to be with you and your husband there? Surely they could pay a nurse to travel with them to your country, and it would mean that you and your husband could keep your life and your house and the stability that you both worked so hard and so long for. Why would they not consider that, even if the husband's father is terminally ill?

 

Your husband's family sounds very culturally rigid which makes me think they are not Western European, but possibly Middle Eastern or Eastern European?

 

Your life is where you live now. Stay there. Visit your husband every month. Once he visits his parents, he will want to come back to his life with you. That is the most practical plan I think.

 

There is no reason for you to throw away your entire livelihood and stability for his rigid, stubborn parents. Sorry, but that is asking too much from you and is totally unfair the way that your husband blindsided you with his decision, without bothering to ask you about it first. If you can't even maintain your style of living in your husband's country, well, that sounds way too risky to me. You don't know what you're getting yourself into by going there now, at this stage in your life. It just doesn't make any sense if the financial piece isn't there.

 

Your husband has no right to demand that you give up your life and move to be with his parents now, just because they are not in the best of health. I think that your husband is very selfish to do that to you. It would be different if he'd included you in the decision.

 

Stay put. Come up with an alternative plan. There is simply no reason to give up your life for what is realistically a temporary situation since his parents are elderly and one is dying. I know that sounds cold, but it's the reality.

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Sometimes in giving and allowing family to be more then the marriage, the marriage gains. Do the right thing. Allow him this time to help his family. I can imagine the heartache of knowing that the very folks that brought me into this world and blessed my marital happiness would die alone without the love of family beside them. Material things and careers can be re mastered , but one cannot replace a loved one. You are kind to accept he gave up his close family ties to be bound to you, allow his parents their last wishes to have some time with their son. They will admire and respect you for that..

Would you want your end days to be alone amongst strangers? Think about it and discuss with your spouse...

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I really do understand about aging parents, my Father passed away a few years ago. My mother is in her 90's and in a nursing home. My siblings live thousands of miles away so it's all on my wife and I. I don't resent it until they call and tell me WE have to do something about Mom. Meaning they want to tell me what I should do about her. I would have a hard time leaving my mother to fend for herself. But if I was forced to choose between Mom and W I'll choose W every time. Your feelings of depression and maybe resentment are not unjustified. You love you H and he loves you but he's choosing their need over yours. You have to wonder about people who need help but only want it on their terms. I need money...here's a job, no I just want money.

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I really do understand about aging parents, my Father passed away a few years ago. My mother is in her 90's and in a nursing home. My siblings live thousands of miles away so it's all on my wife and I. I don't resent it until they call and tell me WE have to do something about Mom. Meaning they want to tell me what I should do about her. I would have a hard time leaving my mother to fend for herself. But if I was forced to choose between Mom and W I'll choose W every time. Your feelings of depression and maybe resentment are not unjustified. You love you H and he loves you but he's choosing their need over yours. You have to wonder about people who need help but only want it on their terms. I need money...here's a job, no I just want money.

 

+1! Great post!!

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yeah I can understand the parents not getting a nurse. Old people do stupid idiotic things, and do not really care or even think how it screws up their children who are worrying about them. my elderly mom just decided, for example, to stop taking some medication she needed on a whim....and ended up in a hospital for 4 weeks. Did she apologize to me for my having to hang out at the hospital and emergency room for 4 weeks? no, furthest thing from her mind.

 

 

SO I can see them guilt tripping your hubby. how about having his parents come to live where YOU are already. they are probably house bound anyway, and will not miss being back home. sounds a lot simpler, and your hubby will not have to screw up his career.

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Maybe I am an *******. So says he did it for you ( as if he got nothing out of it as if his freewill did not make his choice ) so now it's your turn and that " shut you up." When someone does something for me / gives me a gift...that doesn't open a future door for them to leverage me to do something I don't want. In fact it negates whatever thought did for me out of kindness. What they leverage changing his diapers to guilt him into flipping a established life upside down and ruining finances.....thanks mom.

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Sometimes in giving and allowing family to be more then the marriage, the marriage gains. Do the right thing. Allow him this time to help his family. I can imagine the heartache of knowing that the very folks that brought me into this world and blessed my marital happiness would die alone without the love of family beside them. Material things and careers can be re mastered , but one cannot replace a loved one. You are kind to accept he gave up his close family ties to be bound to you, allow his parents their last wishes to have some time with their son. They will admire and respect you for that..

Would you want your end days to be alone amongst strangers? Think about it and discuss with your spouse...

 

If the parents came to the OP's country to live out their last days they wouldn't be dying alone or among strangers. They'd be living with their son and DIL and be being cared for by their son and DIL. Hardly strangers.

 

If their last wishes were truly to simply be with their son, they'd consider moving to be with their son.

 

The story of the other sibling and his wife and children is a red flag to me. How stubborn and manipulative are these people that their one DIL refuses to speak to them, allow her kids to speak to them, and has only recently tolerated her husband speaking to them?

 

If they really want/need the help and if they truly want to be with their son in the twilight of their lives, you'd think they'd be open to some kind of compromise instead of expecting their son and DIL to totally uproot their lives, leave their careers, leave their home and beloved pets, jeopardize their marriage, live in a place that is extremely expensive, and possibly never have a child.

 

And that's the disturbing part. The fact that op said "This has been our life for nearly a decade and all of that will change and part of change is me losing my furry babies and me giving up on the hope of having a child."

 

If having a child is important to you, OP, either be willing to have your child(ren) in your husbands home country or don't go.

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G** forbid I ever "summons" any child of mine to nurse maid me in my old age! What a cheek tbh. And yes I'd definitely move countries if the offer came up to be close to family to care for me in my old age or through terminal illness. What a generous and loving gesture that would be.

 

I had children and am responsible for THEM. THEY should never feel responsible for ME! I didn't give birth to my future caregivers.

 

If I had parented my sons according to the values I hold, I would always insist they put their wife and furry family first. That's M.

 

So OP ofcourse you're conflicted. Maybe you're seeing a clash of cultures here, maybe it's a clash of values. Whatever it is I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. It's not very fair IMO.

So it's possibly a lose / lose outcome for you either way. IDK.

 

I guess if I were you, I'd tell my H I'd give the move 1 or 2y. If I seriously loved this man, I'd probably just go regardless. I've done that b4, it didn't end the way I'd hoped but I gave it a good shot. Pets are v important to me too. I'd hope to house them with family and provide an allowance should I be able to return sooner rather than later. You just never know. The move could end up helping you set up your own business in the other country and becoming financially independent, therefore returning "home" more often than first thought. Depends on your self motivation.

 

Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Excuse me while I write myself a list of how NOT to be in my old age.

 

Lion Heart.

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People that guilt you into doing things don't want do not respect and admire you. Why your husband can't simply fly home in intervals and do what can within reason of current life IDK. A decade slips by and no plans or discussion for this was ever made.

 

When time comes for my parents I'll do what I can. Just I can not see them demanding me to destroy a life built with my wife to do such...they wish for my success. Would my parents that raised me to be independent and are proud of my accomplishments and happiness suddenly be happy leaving this world knowing thier son is basically cutting off decades of progression and will be struggling back at the start. Ive had it all and lost it all a few times, I'm not young and super stupid, I'm not being hit by a natural disaster, I'm not in the middle of divorce...no way am I gonna frag myself.

 

I'm a man, if I move to the other side of the planet to build a life I know the consequence for those I left behind...and I don't give a damn hence I'm on the other side of the planet. I'll try to be there at the 11th hour...just those I loved locally that I did camp out with in the last days, slipped away without me at thier side. Can have a house / hospital full of people...and they still ultitmaly die alone. I'll know the last time I look my Parents in the eye, but if I'm holding thier hand as they leave this world and breathe thier last is simply probability. If I miss the entire ending, I did the right things during my life...they did not have to be on death beds for me too be a good son.

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Hey lion heart. I had a father and law that was a bit of work, he always interjected help into marriage. Unwanted help unwanted gifts. Part of it was to simply leverage and try to have influance for how we lived our lifes. The other part that came out when was building a fence with him, was taking care of him in his old age. Saw the gifts for what they were before this, just he had it all planned out...down to me living in the reinvented basement of his new house in a different state.

 

Well, I get divorced and before the ink dries...he has a heart attack and dies in hospital without ever waking up. So much for plans. Maybe not eating self to death after multiple knee injections and magically becoming diabetic should have been on the list.

 

Thank you for the comment of being a parent and not expecting children to reverse rolls. I changed my son's diapers and he owes me nothing for such...fact he can use the bathroom on his own now is reward for a job well done.

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Whatitistoburn

Hi guys,

 

Sorry it took me so long to update this post and thank you for the advice and genuine concern. I really appreciate the help.

 

So we tried it for a month. We set ourselves up like newlyweds only without sex and passion - lol. We realized there was nothing there for me. He said I shouldn't even bother getting a job because it's a small town, to get a decent job, I have to have connections. I've also been self employed for half a decade!!

 

His parents are doing good. No one is dying really but they do need assistance in buying daily necessities and stuff.

 

Being there was both good and bad. Good because it made me realize that this goes beyond what I imagined. I saw that this has to do with my husband being bored with the country we live in, sibling rivalry because his brother in now an active family member again. When my husband is there, he lives an entirely different life. He doesn't have to look after a big company, be called a "sir", doesn't have to dress up in uncomfortable suits, etc. His parents also treat him like a young boy who they give money to to buy them groceries, get dinner and clean the garage.

 

When he is there, he reconnects with relatives and old friends. His girl bestfriend gets to hang out at the apartment till late to watch tv and chat. Driving and sightseeing are two awesome things to do there too.

 

So because we've established that there's nothing for me there, we are going to live in two places well, he will. He will be flying back and forth spending half of the month here and the other half there. This broke my heart and yes, I'm jealous that they get to spend more time with him than I do. When he's here with me, he's exhausted and stressed. He works at the office for 8-10 hours, comes home to me and work some more because he needs to catch up on things (he needs to work double time now given that he's out of the office for 2 weeks every month) then I get to have dinner with him and watch some tv before he falls asleep and starts snoring. While I stay awake worrying about the situation and trying to figure out how to control my sexual urges - lol

 

I told him it hurts that We won't be together for half of the month every month and next year, probably even longer than that but he just said, "so we should make the most of our time together!" I told him I don't think I can do this and that this may not work. He didn't respond. But he told me he doesn't want to lose me. That made me happy for a while until he planned his next trip. He also said that I have to accept the fact that I'm not the priority right now. His family is his priority right now like what happened when my father got sick and passed away. Theres no comparison. He has always been my priority since day one. I focused on my family when they were sick and I got depressed and all but I never left him. I never stopped being his wife. He didn't reply.

 

I Know that after you read this, youll say how we have so many issues. We've talked about these issues but they're still there and will probably not go away. I probably just have to suck it up and try to be happy. I love my husband so much. I'll try as long as I could. Wish me luck.

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he probably feels indebted to his parents for raising him, and he wants to repay that debt.

SO....why not live with the parents FOR FREE. Let him take care of them, you find things to do outside of the house.

Either that or get the parents to come to where you are now.

Screw the pets...give them away to friends...they will do just fine.

 

 

I would be more concerned about exactly what your husband is going to do for work in this new land! Sounds like he will be giving up a very good job.

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Whatitistoburn
he probably feels indebted to his parents for raising him, and he wants to repay that debt.

SO....why not live with the parents FOR FREE. Let him take care of them, you find things to do outside of the house.

Either that or get the parents to come to where you are now.

Screw the pets...give them away to friends...they will do just fine.

 

 

I would be more concerned about exactly what your husband is going to do for work in this new land! Sounds like he will be giving up a very good job.

 

I agree that he feels guilty leaving his parents to be with me and he's indebted to them but he also made it clear that he just wants to go back home because he never liked the city. We already got an apartment there and we're all set up! :) we lived there for a month then came back home. Parents can't come here where we are now. They're too old. They also don't like to move to a retirement home or hire a private nurse or maid.

 

Regarding my husband's work, I know it'll be fairly easy for him to get one there as he's got former business partners and bosses who he's currently meeting with to start something up. He's all good. If you ask him now, he'll tell you everything's good and he's managing well. I guess im the one who's overthinking things and getting all emotional. I just can't see us living like this for so long. It's painful to me. I'm selfish I know but as I told him, I support his decision but I can't pretend to be happy whenever he leaves. Plus, he knows how my world stops for a day when he's travelling. I'm terrified of what could happen midair :(

Edited by Whatitistoburn
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Whatitistoburn

Regarding having a baby, he suggested IVF. It's a good suggestion but all I could gather from this is -- he can't even be bothered to have sex with me to have a baby and here I am expecting sex for pleasure!!! LOL

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