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I have a same sex admirer. Do I tell my husband about her?


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Old 22nd April 2015, 6:36 PM   #1
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I have a same sex admirer. Do I tell my husband about her?

Last week I rec'd an anonymous e-mail from a same sex admirer.
This isn't anything new to me, because over the years of working in public administration and dealing with hundreds of people a day, I've rec'd some e-mails like this, as have co-workers. This would be the first same sex one.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. I've always been honest with him about everything, including the e-mails that I've rec'd in the past, but they've always been from men. This e-mail is rather tame in comparison to those.

My issue is that the first two years of our marriage, my husband was hooked on porn and had a thing for two women and one guy. Within 6 months of getting married, he was asking for a 3some and trolling craigslist and sites that are like POF, to find the perfect other woman. I told him I wanted none of that and spoke to a divorce attorney. He got the hint, gave up the porn and went to counseling. It took about 2 years before I didn't have to worry about it anymore and we've been fine ever since. My problem is, I want to be honest and show him this e-mail, but since we've had issues in the past with him asking me for a 3some, I don't want this to stir up old feelings.
It's not like I can respond to the woman or even know who she is, although I have a slight idea.

What would you do? Should I tell him or withhold it?

Last edited by socalwoman2016; 22nd April 2015 at 6:40 PM..
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Old 22nd April 2015, 6:53 PM   #2
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I'd tell him - to keep your dignity intact and to show a little faith that he did indeed overcome his issues and that he's not a weakling on the verge of a total reversal at the first sign of temptation.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 7:01 PM   #3
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Tell him.

Secrets are poison.

If necessary, point out to your husband where your boundaries are.

He'll understand.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 7:30 PM   #4
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Thank you for your responses. It's not a letter that has any sexual undertones, it's really an admire letter. I'll post it here. I was just worried it would provoke him to return to his old ways. It's definitely an old wound that I worry about and my main fear is getting those wheels spinning in his head or trigger those feelings.


Here is the letter


I'd like to start by saying that my intentions are not to upset, offend, or annoy you in any way. I don’t need or want a response from you and I won’t be contacting you again.

With that being said, it's probably best to make one thing very clear: I'm a straight woman and the point of this letter is for me to get something off of my chest, so I can put this behind me. I just need to let you know what you've meant to me and my life.
We met and at some point, I'm not even really sure when, but I started to develop feelings for you.

This is not a joke, it's not one of your friends messing around with you (something I would assume, too), and writing this hasn’t been easy for me.

Until now, I’ve only been attracted to men. I’ve never been one to take notice of other women and in the beginning, the same could have been said about you. Actually, I was ambivalent about you, but at some point, those feelings changed. I’m not even sure when they started because I think I was deep in denial about it. And when my feelings finally caught up to me, it was hard to understand and still is. And that’s my hope that by writing this and putting it out there, I can finally let go.

I can’t emphasize enough that I truly hope I’m not bothering you in any way and the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. We’ve all been on the receiving end of unwanted advances and that’s the last thing I want to be.

Which brings me to the fact, as I’ve said, that I do not need or want a response from you. This is about my feelings and need for closure. I know that you don’t feel the same way that I do. You did nothing to make me think otherwise. I just felt a connection to you and that sparked something else in me.

I've struggled with this. With all of it. About my own feelings, about moving past them, about writing this and now sending it. And while I feel grateful to have been around you, I wish I could have my life back to the way it was, before I met you and that’s what I’d like to accomplish by sending this.

My friends told me that if decide to reach out to you, I should include my name and give you the opportunity to respond. For various reasons, I can't do that and I think it's for the best.

I don't think my feelings are romantic in nature. Mostly, it feels like a strong crush without the sexual component, if that makes any sense.
I have such admiration towards you and I'm so proud to have met you.
I was so happy just to be in your presence. You managed to put a huge smile on my face. And for all of that, I want to say thank you. I wish I could say more, specifically, about the positive ways you affected my life, but I don’t want to share too much about myself.

If I never have these feelings for a woman again, and I certainly don't plan on it because this hasn’t been easy, I think it would be a shame to never let you know what a wonderful person you are and how blessed I was to meet you. I can truly say that the people in your life are lucky to have you.

I apologize for this letter being so long and vague, but it’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this and allowing me to have closure. I promise, I won’t be contacting you again.

Last edited by socalwoman2016; 22nd April 2015 at 7:50 PM..
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Old 22nd April 2015, 8:08 PM   #5
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Would you tell him if you got a note like this from a man? Or would you just ignore it & move on?

I don't really think the gender of your admirer is an issue because cheating is cheating.

Tell him if you would otherwise say something. Do nothing otherwise. As long as you didn't respond to it, it's a non-issue because you can't control somebody else's behavior. Just ignore anybody who hits on you unless they don't get the hint & then shut them down hard but your 1st line of defense doesn't have to be getting your spouse involved in a work thing.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 8:47 PM   #6
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Since this is one of many 'admiration' letters and since it is anonymous (and kind of creepy) I would not have your 3some concerns be a factor.

Unless your husband is one real sick pup I do not think that the past issues with 3somes or porn etc be a determining factor.


Tell him or don't tell him based on your own comfort levels and your own feelings and based on whatever you want to do. Don't base that decision on his 3some yearnings.


As for my own thoughts on this matter, I do believe you should tell him that you received a creepy email so that he can be cognizant and on the lookout for any strange people or creepers or stalkers etc.


And I also believe that you should forward this and report this to your superiors and security department so that they are aware of it.


This is all for your security and has nothing to do with 3somes or porn etc, it is just common safety sense.


Please keep in mind there are nutso's out there and just because this person says he/she is a straight woman does not mean that it is not some male serial rapist or some prisoner or some male psychopath.


This is more of a real concern than your husband getting some kind of 3some fantasy. If he is a real man and has a shred of husband material in him, he will be more concerned with your safety and whether you've picked up a stalker than he will about whether he can swing a 3way out of the deal or not.


and that being said, if you present this to him and it does trigger 3way fantasies and he wants to pursue this person for a 3way, then your husband is the real risk and the real creeper.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 8:54 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post




Please keep in mind there are nutso's out there and just because this person says he/she is a straight woman does not mean that it is not some male serial rapist or some prisoner or some male psychopath.




and that being said, if you present this to him and it does trigger 3way fantasies and he wants to pursue this person for a 3way, then your husband is the real risk and the real creeper.


and if your husband is that much of a creeper, he may have been the one to send it himself.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 8:59 PM   #8
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fwiw, I don't think it's creepy at all, rather charming in fact. It sounds like this woman was very positively affected by you in some way, and you should take pride in that.

Being as I agree there's nothing overtly sexual in it (that's actually fairly common with same sex crushes between women), I think most likely your husband won't be "tempted" and will simply see it as a reason to be happy for you and proud of you as well. Obviously I don't know him at all and you're far better equipped to make that determination, but if I was in your shoes and had any faith in my man at all, I'd share.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 9:09 PM   #9
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Old shirt, it's a woman and I'm pretty sure I know who it is but just not 100% on that. The other emails I've received from males have been near porn levels. Very unsettling.

Thank you Jen. Maybe I'm not giving my husband enough credit and I agree about the girl crush.
I'm going to chew on this for a day and then tell him tomorrow night. That's what I'm leaning to. I am scared about it. Old wounds.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 9:15 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by socalwoman2016 View Post


I'm going to chew on this for a day and then tell him tomorrow night. That's what I'm leaning to. I am scared about it. Old wounds.


So you are more 'scared' about your husband than some potential creeper sending you anonymous emails????


That's a problem.
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Old 22nd April 2015, 9:24 PM   #11
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As satu said secrets are poison to a marriage....they unravel relationships faster than anything i know of....tell him be open and honest as you woudl wish him to be with you...trust that he dealt with his issues from the past as another poster said...and good luck....deb
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