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Help me to understand my husband's way of thinking!


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My husband is known by several of you on here by his constant skipping work claiming everything from his stomach is upset, to his back hurts, to he didn't get enough sleep. He is in a union and abuses the hell out of the FMLA and always gets away with it. Even when his boss questions some of the things he does, he finds a way to cover for it. It's no secret that he hates his job. He says he likes the work but can't stand the environment and gets anxiety before going in.

 

He decided to put himself into rehab for alcohol last month so he could get sober and then make better decisions about his job. He was in inpatient for 2 weeks. Prior to going in, he hadn't gone to work for 3 weeks so it had been 5 weeks with no income from him. He knew how upset I was about him not working all the time as it was the prime thing I always brought up in the group sessions. He said when he got out 2 Friday's ago that he would start going back to work on Monday. Well Monday came and he didn't go in because he then told me that he has to go for an alcohol assessment at the clinic before going back and that he'd go back on Tuesday. Tuesday he had his assessment and said it went beyond the time he was supposed to start at work so he'd start on Wednesday. Wednesday I come home and he isn't there but I'm not convinced he's at work because according to Amazon, a package was delivered at 2:20 PM and when I got home it was sitting inside the front door. He is the only person who could have put it there and he was supposed to be at work by 2PM so he obviously didn't leave until well after he was supposed to be there. He also didn't wear his work boots. Sure enough, a few hours later he shows up at home with some very confusing and made up story about how he just wanted to get out of the house for a bit. Then Thursday he calls me about 20 minutes before I get home and says that he doesn't want me to be surprised but he's home. He went and sat in the parking lot at work and couldn't make himself go in so he went to a motorcycle shop to apply for a job. This is about the 4th application for another job that he had done that week. Finally last Friday he does go into work and stays the full 8 hours. I have access to his clock in/clock out times so I can go online and be assured that he really is there.

 

He has been at work each day so far this week and last night calls me at 10PM and tells me not to stay up because he is going to work some OT and will be home at 1AM. Me, being skeptical because I am so use to him lying to me, checks his clock out time this morning and sure enough, he was at work until 12:30AM. He also tells me that he is going to work on Saturday for double time.

 

Okay so I don't understand his actions. He doesn't go to work for weeks because he hates the environment, then tells me he's going back and finds every excuse for a few days as to why he can't and spends his free time putting in applications. Then goes back and, for as much as he hates being there, decides to work 2 hours of overtime and then also basically give up his Saturday to go in and work. This has been a constant cycle with him too. He works hours and hours of overtime for a week or two and then decides he doesn't want to go in for a week because it stresses him out too much and says he needs to look for another job and then says he'll go back to work but yet still finds excuses not to go in and then finally DOES go back in and starts working normally and maybe some more OT until he decides he doesn't want to go in again for a few weeks.

 

What is going on in his head to change his thinking and doing so radically?

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My husband is known by several of you on here by his constant skipping work claiming everything from his stomach is upset, to his back hurts, to he didn't get enough sleep. He is in a union and abuses the hell out of the FMLA and always gets away with it. Even when his boss questions some of the things he does, he finds a way to cover for it. It's no secret that he hates his job. He says he likes the work but can't stand the environment and gets anxiety before going in.

 

He decided to put himself into rehab for alcohol last month so he could get sober and then make better decisions about his job. He was in inpatient for 2 weeks. Prior to going in, he hadn't gone to work for 3 weeks so it had been 5 weeks with no income from him. He knew how upset I was about him not working all the time as it was the prime thing I always brought up in the group sessions. He said when he got out 2 Friday's ago that he would start going back to work on Monday. Well Monday came and he didn't go in because he then told me that he has to go for an alcohol assessment at the clinic before going back and that he'd go back on Tuesday. Tuesday he had his assessment and said it went beyond the time he was supposed to start at work so he'd start on Wednesday. Wednesday I come home and he isn't there but I'm not convinced he's at work because according to Amazon, a package was delivered at 2:20 PM and when I got home it was sitting inside the front door. He is the only person who could have put it there and he was supposed to be at work by 2PM so he obviously didn't leave until well after he was supposed to be there. He also didn't wear his work boots. Sure enough, a few hours later he shows up at home with some very confusing and made up story about how he just wanted to get out of the house for a bit. Then Thursday he calls me about 20 minutes before I get home and says that he doesn't want me to be surprised but he's home. He went and sat in the parking lot at work and couldn't make himself go in so he went to a motorcycle shop to apply for a job. This is about the 4th application for another job that he had done that week. Finally last Friday he does go into work and stays the full 8 hours. I have access to his clock in/clock out times so I can go online and be assured that he really is there.

 

He has been at work each day so far this week and last night calls me at 10PM and tells me not to stay up because he is going to work some OT and will be home at 1AM. Me, being skeptical because I am so use to him lying to me, checks his clock out time this morning and sure enough, he was at work until 12:30AM. He also tells me that he is going to work on Saturday for double time.

 

Okay so I don't understand his actions. He doesn't go to work for weeks because he hates the environment, then tells me he's going back and finds every excuse for a few days as to why he can't and spends his free time putting in applications. Then goes back and, for as much as he hates being there, decides to work 2 hours of overtime and then also basically give up his Saturday to go in and work. This has been a constant cycle with him too. He works hours and hours of overtime for a week or two and then decides he doesn't want to go in for a week because it stresses him out too much and says he needs to look for another job and then says he'll go back to work but yet still finds excuses not to go in and then finally DOES go back in and starts working normally and maybe some more OT until he decides he doesn't want to go in again for a few weeks.

 

What is going on in his head to change his thinking and doing so radically?

 

A continuous theme in your description is "stress" or "anxiety".

 

I am wondering if he is self medicating an anxiety disorder by his alcohol use.

 

He may just need the proper counseling and medication to help him through his anxiety issues. Anxiety is very treatable.

 

That is my thought. Get him to see a good counselor or psychiatrist.

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I'm curious what is stressing him out. Has he said? Have you asked?

 

It seems to me he doesn't mind working and would work better if he were relaxed. Also, and this sounds paradoxical, some anxious people fare better in a high stressed, fast paced environment. Have you helped him find a suitable job?

 

I believe exercise is the number one stress reliever...besides sex. Neurotic people tend to calm down with hugs and sex too. Does he exercise and have sex frequently?

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I'm curious what is stressing him out. Has he said? Have you asked?

 

It seems to me he doesn't mind working and would work better if he were relaxed. Also, and this sounds paradoxical, some anxious people fare better in a high stressed, fast paced environment. Have you helped him find a suitable job?

 

I believe exercise is the number one stress reliever...besides sex. Neurotic people tend to calm down with hugs and sex too. Does he exercise and have sex frequently?

 

It's the people that are stressing him out. There were a few others in rehab with him who also work where he works (it's a huge company) and they all said the same thing--that a lot of people there don't do their jobs and if you call them on it they just want to pick a fight or get you in trouble with upper management so there are always coworkers watching you and waiting for their chance to report you on something ridiculous. Like I said, it's a union job and you can basically get away with anything (I mean look at how much he's gotten away with!). I can understand his unhappiness. I was contracted for a year with a large company, although not nearly as large as his, and I hated it there. I felt like an outcast, people in my dept never said a word to me unless they had to, I got a lot of weird looks for no reason, and then I got told several times I needed to improve my work (first it was too general, then it was too specific--I never knew how much or how little detail I should be doing which made me crazy and afraid to turn anything in) whereas I had nothing but glowing reviews at every other job I worked at. I dreaded going into that job most days too, but at least I knew I had an end date after a year. So yeah, I get it, but he has to suck it up like I did and go in and do his job.

 

As far as the sex thing goes, we went for about 2 1/2 months with no sex. This was right before he went into rehab. He just wasn't interested anymore and no matter how much I tried and flaunted myself, he still wasn't interested. HOWEVER, the day he got back from rehab we had sex and then had sex every day for the next 3 days! Apparently he was over his problem!

Edited by Mapper71
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Sounds to me like it's all about his anxiety. He finally got the nerve up to return to work after being out for several weeks and once he got there he realized he can handle it ok and put in all the extra time in an attempt to make up for work he missed.

 

It's not as simple as "he should suck it up and go to work like I do". He's got a serious anxiety disorder which he is barely able to control. He needs help- meds and/or talk therapy.

 

Why did you wonder if he was at work that day the package was delivered if you have access to his timesheet online?

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[quote

Why did you wonder if he was at work that day the package was delivered if you have access to his timesheet online?

 

I wondered BEFORE I checked online. I just had a feeling he wouldn't be there when I got home, but I also had a feeling it wasn't because he was at work. He has deceived me numerous times in the past when he worked 1st shift. He would leave for work at his regular time but then go have breakfast somewhere until I left for work and then come home and I was to be none the wiser to it. Little did he know that I could check our phone records and see his call into work saying he wouldn't be there AND by his clock in times which he didn't realize I could access, even though he gave me his password for his worksite long ago.

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