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Just don't understand anymore


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Confused9290

I have been with my wife for six years and have been married for three. Ever since she turned 21 last year I have noticed she doesn't invite me out with her and her friends anymore. I don't understan why this is because anytime I hang out with my friends I invite her. All I ask her is to invite me once in a while I understand that she needs time with her friends away from me but this is getting out of control. This week is her birthday weekend and I took monday off thinking I was going to be invited out for her birthday festivities but this isn't the case. Also when she goes out with her friends she tells me it is girls night out but when she posts pictures on social media there are pictures of her friends boyfriends. So it obviously isn't just a girls night out idk what to think. I only have her three rules for when she goes out and they are 1) don't stay out past three. 2) don't hangout with guys. 3) don't drive drunk if you can't drive call me and I will pick you up. Are these rules too controlling? I don't think so but from a woman's point of view maybe it could be. It is ruining my life and marriage I feel like she doesn't love me anymore and is just afraid to leave me because we have two children together. I appreciate anyone who can give me advice on the subject.

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Wife out drinking to 3 am!

 

 

Wife won't bring you but her friends have their men!

 

 

Wife is partying her birthday with them but not you!

 

 

Your WW is cheating on you!

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Confused9290

I mean she even got mad at me when I just told her I was going to work my second job tomorrow. And this is because she will actually have to bring our kids to school and not get as drunk. The problem is if I divorve her then she gets half of everything I own and I can't be away fromy kids and in my state the mother always gets custody. I honestly just wish she would leave me so I can be happy again. She made me give up all of my friends in the beginning of our relationship and now I have none. And she tells me why don't you hang out with your friends and I say what all two of them. So now that I try to tell her that all she says is that's the past. Like wtf.

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She doesn't want you in her life, from what you've said that seems pretty clear. You're not going to be happy in that situation either. You can either get out now, or get out later when you have even more to lose.

 

It sounds like she got married at 18, and I'm going to guess you're around the same age. It sounds like she is just too young to handle a committed relationship, at least she is acting that way.

Edited by Syberia
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It doesn't sound good.

 

I'ma woman and I don't think your 3 rules are too controlling. I wouldn't have thought you needed to call them rules, because a married person should know they shouldn't be hanging out with members of the opposite sex. They should know not to drink and drive as a single person should know. I wouldn't stay out as late as 3am, neither does my husband.

 

Staying out that late means she's out clubbing and I really don't see the need for her to do that without you on a regular basis. If it's a girls night out once in a while, that's okay.

 

When she drinks, does she maintain control? Does she get flirty?

 

I would have a lot of explaining to do, if men were seen in my pictures when I said it was a GNO. Have you asked her about this?

 

Honestly, I think she's young and not ready for the responsibility of beinga wife and mother. At least two kids at the age of 21. ..I think she feels she's missing out on life and is now tied down. She might feel she's missing out on her youth. At that age I could go out partying with no one to answer to.

 

Are her friends married?

Does she work?

 

I think if she isn't cheating, she's enjoying acting single and getting male attention when she's out.

 

How does she dress when she goes out on these nights?

Do you have access to her phone?

 

Consider asking where she's going out the next time. Hire a babysitter and go there covertly. See what she gets up to. She won't expect you to be there, so she won't be looking out for you.

 

If she doesn't even turn up there, that's a whole other issue. Ask how the night was at [name of club ] club and see if she tells you she went anywhere different.

 

Is there a large age gap between you.

 

As another poster said, you'll loose more money the longer you are married. Would she not agree to 50/50 custody?

 

She is legally entitled to half the money and if she isn't working, then she is looking after the children right?

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Oh and please try and reconnect with your old friends. Search them out on social media, do things for yourself and don't listen to pa spouse that tells you to drop friends, unless friends are a bad influence.

 

Google signs on whether your partner is cheating and see if they fit her behaviour, other than what you've told us.

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Confused9290

She does work and she get dressed up but doesn't try to look extravagant. I honestly don't know what to do she says she loves me and I really do want to believe her.

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hmmmm, you DO sound confused. She might not be cheating, but probably is. She DEFINITELY does not like to party with you at all. AND it sounds like she has a bevy of toxic friends supporting her lifestyle.

 

 

Any chance she has a drug problem? She may need to party with these friends to get her drugs. are there big blocks of money missing from the bank accounts?

 

 

You first need to talk to her, seriously, about not partying with friends unless you are there. No drinking unless you are around. You do not have to threaten her in any way, but if she refuses any suggestions you have of toning it down, I would run to find a good divorce lawyer.

 

 

Next time she tells you she loves you, ask her to stop the partying without you there. it will be a true test if she loves you or is BSing you

 

Better to divorce her now, btw, while she is out drunkenly partying every night. You will get custody of the kids, and SHE will be paying alimony to you. keep the whole divorce thing hush hush until the lawyer is ready to file. Maybe pay a private investigator to take pictures of her drunk on multiple nights, and going into a guy's apartment at 2 AM...just to make sure the judge does not give her any parental rights after the divorce.

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PinkElephants

It sounds like she's creating a life separate from you and you might not be able to change it. She's acting like a typical 21 year old and the predictability and stagnant nature of family life might not be able to compete with the partying and perceived freedom she's experiencing right now.

 

I'd venture to say you're fighting a losing battle. She doesn't prioritize you above drinking with men and doesn't want to include you. As a woman, I bristle at the thought of my man placing rules on me. I'm an adult, not a child. Just the same, I live by those rules of my own volition because I respect my man and want him to feel secure.

 

You might leave her and strike for custody while she's viewing the kids as a damper on her good time. Can you find your old friends, lean on family or meet new friends to give you support?

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See a lawyer and work out a divorce plan for which she will get full custody with as little child support and spousal support as humanly possible.

 

This will bring her to the negotiation table because when she really thinks about it, she won't want full custody because that will hamper her partying and screwing around.

 

She's able to party and screw guys now because she has a built in full time baby sitter that watches the kids while she plays.

 

Give her a taste for what being a 21 year old single mother will really be like and it will leave a real bad taste in her mouth.

 

Once she gets a glimpse of what her life will be like, she will be willing to negotiate and work out some kind of shared custody.

 

In the mean time stop being her baby sitter. Cut off her supply line and her gravy train. She can't party if she doesn't have time, money or someone to watch the kids. Take all of those away. Cut off whatever spending money she is getting from you and get busy yourself so you can't babysit.

 

If she wants to go out, she has to find a sitter.

 

Trust me, these dudes enjoy partying with her and fcking on her when there aren't kids around. The first time she shows up with a kid in two or can't make a booty call because she has to raise her children, they will disappear like a fart in the wind. She needs to start experiencing that so she can see what the life of a single mother is really like.

 

You are giving her a glorified and unrealistic sense of what single motherhood is like because you are taking care of the home and the kids so she can play single party girl.

 

Stop doing that and let her experience what real single motherhood is like.

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