Feel like my wife is not making me a priority...

[Syberia]

I'm wondering if I feel our marriage slowly slipping away... I wanted to have a date with my wife tomorrow. You know, the kind where we go to one of our favorite restaurants we haven't been to in a long time, catch a movie and head back home for some after-hours entertainment. We have not done this in quite a while.

 

When I first suggested the idea to her, I told her where I planned on taking her, and she asked if we could stop somewhere else out of the way to see one of her girl friends. I told her I'd prefer this just be a night for the two of us - was I wrong in wanting that? - and she agreed. Fine, it's settled. Fast forward to today. I come and see her at work for lunch, and she asks me to stop by Home Depot and pick up some pipe fittings for her. I get there, and they don't have what the needs. No biggie. She suggests we try another Home Depot tomorrow while we're out. I tell her I'd prefer this just be about us, and that I'm even willing to go out of my way at a later time and get her fittings in order to enjoy tomorrow just me and her.

 

This is where things get bad. She gets mad at me and says I am being "whiny" and "dumb." What follows is half-argument/half-discussion about what I see wrong with our marriage. Since we bought our house 2 years ago, she has been more and more into trying to start a farm, and it takes up more and more of her time. I do help her with this when I can. We also have horribly mismatched work schedules, but there's nothing either of us can do about that in our present situations. When she's not busy with work or her farm, she's often too tired for anything else, and ends up sleeping.

 

I tried to tell her how I am obviously starting to feel neglected. She basically told me to deal with it. I left the room and I feel like s**t, she actually made me start to cry by saying that. I tried to express to her that she is not making me feel loved, and that I am not happy in this marriage. I hinted that I might want to leave it. This pissed her off, now I am an a** and a d**k and I don't care about her. I don't know how to deal with this, the last few weeks I have been trying to pay more attention to her and show her more affection and I feel that she is pushing me away for her farm and her animals. She did not used to be like this.

 

And in case it comes up, there is no other man. I am certain of this, she is far too busy, I know her work schedule and when she's not there, she's working around the house. She calls/texts me all the time and tells me she loves me and seems genuinely happy and interested to talk to me, but at the same time I need (want?) more one-on-one time with her and she seems unable or unwilling to provide this to me. I'm not even talking about sex eiter, we've done that 3 times this week and it's quite enjoyable, I just find myself wanting to do things with her again after being stuck in a rut for so long but she either can't or won't make the time.

 

Sorry for the rant, am I asking too much?

 

EDIT:

 

And don't bother suggesting counseling. She is stubborn and strong-willed and will not go. She blames external factors (work) for the situation and thinks I should be happy with the amount of "love" she provides me. And we do still love each other and there's still something there - when we actually manage to get away from everything, I can tell there's still a spark. I'm trying my damnedest to bring it out more, but it feels like since I have, I'm wanting to experience it more. I was content with what we had become, until I rediscovered what we had been. And now it hurts.

 

EDIT 2:

 

This week, we are both taking Tuesday and Wednesday off for a much-needed break from work. I've offered to help her with her projects this weekend so they can be done and then we will spent time on just "us" on Tues and Wed. Now she's getting all defensive and (probably) feeling guilty and telling me we can go with my idea tomorrow and she'll make time next week to get her stuff done.

 

Maybe I'm just being insecure and acting dumb as she said and need someone to tell me that.

Edited April 11, 2015 by Syberia

[StalwartMind]

Each relationship is unique and whatever boundaries it has will vary greatly. I don't believe you are requesting anything remotely unfair, if anything it is rather reasonable to show desire in wanting to spend some quality time with your significant other. If it was otherwise then you might as well "just" be really good friends living together, without any sort of intimate or romantic moments.

 

It's never ideal if your work schedules are horribly mismatched as that most certainly can be a natural contributor to things feeling sliding apart. If anything that would be another reason for me, to have the time we do spend together to be of the highest quality. Sure at times you'll need to sacrifice even that as events will occur that will need to be taken care of. No matter what though it's still vital to be somewhat in tune, so that you don't feel the separation being so intensive.

 

Ideally we shouldn't have to sacrifice much but life is rarely ideal, especially in relationships there will always be some compromises. If of your interest, you could perhaps think of ways to work/help even more with your wife's passion of the farm. It seems important to her and if it's a period in her life where it takes a high priority then perhaps it would be an idea to be even more on boar with that as well. Many if not most people change behavior to some degree throughout their life and while this most certainly can be of negative impact as you experience it, it can change again and just as well for the better in future. You are your own architect in how you wish to approach this and how much tolerance you have. We all have different limits and regardless of how this is currently making you feel you can at the very least take some comfort in the fact that you actually "DO" care about your wife, even if it "may" seem like she's not reciprocating as much as you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You can't really win in this kind of situation with this kind of woman...

 

- Be good guy, who is attentive, loving and support

 

She'll get mad at you and accuse you of making her feel bad and resent you for make her feel worse about herself (woman logic)

 

- Be the *******, not give her the time of day and essentially ignore her

 

She'll use that behavior against you, say the reason she doesn't do X or Y is because you aren't being loving, supportive and attentive enough to her needs

 

You can't win I'm sorry to tell you, she must be willing to meet you half-way, she's got to take responsibility and accountability for her issues and withdrawing from the relationship.

 

But guess what, she probably won't, she probably can't...she has too much pride, too much of a wall up and doesn't want to admit that she's at fault here. It sounds like she's resentful and upset about something in life and it doesn't meet her satisfaction. This often gives women feeling the right to impose any kind of treatment, punishment and attitude on their SO...and they expect you to deal with it, that's why they married you. You married her for the spark, how wonderful she makes you feel when things are good, and how great the love and intimacy feels...she married you for your reliability, and the fact that you feel those things with her making you essentially structured and trustworthy, which is what many women are willing to ultimately sacrifice for.

 

Sure she has some love for you there, but emotionally she's likely in knots, and doesn't know what to do about it. And guess what, these were issues she always had under your nose, women tend to bury those deep beneath the surface until they really know they got you...then they unleash the hounds of their issues, insecurities and what not because she knows you're going to stick around now, she doesn't have to invest too much energy to keep you because you've showed a willingness to keep yourself there...I guarantee if you start backing away she'd snap right back at you either with guilt or a new found enlightenment to change to save the relationship, and this is just how a lot of women are.

 

Hate to serve it all up to you on a dish served cold and a matter of fact like, but I've been watching women for a number of years now and they repeat a lot of the same behavior in their relationships..for me it's very predictable.

 

For you, you've got to understand that women have relationships in stages and these things change without your notification, you are just expected to be flexible and willing to sacrifice for yourself for these "phases"...again, that's what you're there for, that's why a lot of women marry you ultimately. It's not so much what they have to give, but what they need in return...is that making any sense to you now?

 

You're going to waste your breathe, you're going to waste your time and energy, try not to take it too personal and too much to heart. The more power she realizes she has over you, the more she will impose it upon you...that's just how a lot of women are. There's this erratic balancing act they're trying to play internally with uncontrollable feelings/emotions that can turn on you on a dime, and none of it has to be sensible or be justified to you.

 

I know, it's a mind-f@*k, but it's the reality of it. She's going to expect you to stick with it and endure everything like a punching bag....and no, she doesn't expect you to be satisfied in return, of course in the end she'll feel bad and guilty about it and continue giving you those moments you like...which for me is usually sex, but you're going to have to just kind of deal with it and get through, because that's what she expects...anything else really is just going to be you struggling in sticky cobwebs, you're just going to tire yourself out. You've just got to be patient and endure the caning, don't expect any immediate gratification and gratitude, and in the end...if you're lucky, maybe, maybe just maybe, you'll be recognized and awarded for it. But ultimately, as long as she has grievances she's going to be unhappy, and until you fulfill those things she's not going to stop...women do not forget. And no, just because you do those things doesn't mean she's going to be happy, you're expecting too much.

 

Do yourself a favor and don't rattle your brain over it...buy some weed and just get high or something.

[Paterlany]

All RS go through these times. We find our object of desire a bit annoying. Maybe you are over thinking and worry a bit to much. She sounds like she loves you. Just give her a bit of room.

 

Hugs.

[Friskyone4u]

SYberia

Just my opinion but you know there is some problem that you cannot put your finger on so suggest you do not rule out ANYTHING. Withdrawing and becoming distant is one of the major red flags that people exhibit when their is another person involved. Along with that comes picking fights and other forms of arguing that justifies the cheating in their mind as ok because you are the bad guy.

I AM NOT TELLING YOU thisnisna sure sign your wife has another man but when you make the statement she is too busy you are not looking at all the possibilities . They find time if they want to and just read some of the stories here or anywhere , especially when work schedules are not in sync and you are working while she is "farming".

When you say she is too stubborn for MC , that also is a red flag. Cheaters usually resist therapy because they do not want to get called out for their behavior.

Now, I apologize for saying some things you probably do not want to hear but most BS that post on here are also convinced nothing is going on until they know it is and then kick themselves in the butt for sweeping the signs of it under the rug .

I nor anyone here knows for sure what is in her head , but arbitrarily ruling out anything is not the smartest move. Even is she is not doing anything yet , becoming distant from you makes her more susceptible to bad behavior .

Good luck

[elaine567]

The operative word here is "farm".

This has noting to do with your relationship, this is about the farm.

 

She will be completely focused on animals, feeding, buildings, repairing and planning, suggesting taking time off for dinner, is just a waste of time in her eyes.

She wanted to go get that pipe at Home Depot, because she needs that pipe, she doesn't need faffing about when there are things that need doing.

Farming is 24/7 stuff and I guess she feels she is working damned hard and then you come out with the "I am feeling neglected" stuff and to her that is just whiny, I am sorry to say.

 

You either stand shoulder to shoulder with her in this venture or you decide to bail. Farming is serious stuff, taking time off at the wrong time can mean animals die, and if animals die, your profit tumbles and with no profit, you fold. Farming relies on very small profits, that cow dying as well as being upsetting and disappointing, may be your profit for the month gone.

As she is now a farmer, you need to stop making plans for her, and start asking her when would be a good time to go out.

YOU may have to accept that sitting around the lambing shed may be your time to bond with her, rather than suggesting going out and causing her stress re what is happening at home.

Big farmers can pay people to look after their farm and give them loads of time off, but small farmers need to do everything themselves and that means being onsite a lot of the time. Off site time needs to be productive too, hence her wish to double up the time with you, with a friend visit or a visit to the Home Depot for a pipe.

[anika99]

Well I tend to be a practical person. If stopping at home depot for 30 min before the date starts was the easiest and quickest solution to whatever problem I had then it would sound dumb to me not to do that. There would still be the entire rest of the evening to give my undivided attention to my husband and besides running errands with my SO can be fun too!

 

 

Its all about compromise and it sounds like you were being uncompromising on this and in doing so not only were you demanding her full attention for the evening but you were also insisting that she delay whatever project she is working on until some later time.

 

 

I don't think anyone in this situation is cheating and I don't think anyone necessarily has any deep issues but it sounds like you two have different ideas about what a marriage and partnership should be and therefore you both will have to work on this. Your wife has indicated that she is willing to compromise. She quickly agreed to ditch her idea of visiting a friend and she was happy to spend an evening out with just you and nobody else. Why make such an issue about stopping somewhere to get something she needs?

[carhill]

head back home for some after-hours entertainment. We have not done this in quite a while.

 

So, when was the last 'after-hours' entertainment?

 

If it's been, as you state, quite awhile and you're seeing, increasingly, priorities other than your marriage, the scary version is souring the milk to the point that you'll tip over and take an action to justify whatever is in her agenda. Watch for that.

[Hawaii51]

Yeah, do something other than a movie. And make her feel like she's yours, and slutty.

[central]

Stop being the good guy. Pull back from her. Under no circumstances help her with her projects (the farm) unless she makes equal time for you first to establish a mutually beneficial arrangement.

 

 

Stop showing interest in her day, stop showing affection. Respond coolly to any overtures she makes until you are sure they are sincere, and do this for a while. Do not suggest dates, and do not go out of your way to help in other ways other than fair division of chores, etc.

 

 

Basically, destabilize the relationship by pulling back so that she will notice and stop taking you for granted. She needs to treat you with respect, and you need to leave the room whenever she does not - tell her that you will not be spoken to that way. At the same time, do things for yourself, be sure to get healthy and work on being fit if you have slipped, go out without her and do things with friends.

 

 

She'll either realize what she's been doing and will value the relationship enough to work to fix it, or she won't - in which case you'll know that it really is time to leave.

[elaine567]

Stop being the good guy. Pull back from her. Under no circumstances help her with her projects (the farm) unless she makes equal time for you first to establish a mutually beneficial arrangement.

 

 

Stop showing interest in her day, stop showing affection. Respond coolly to any overtures she makes until you are sure they are sincere, and do this for a while. Do not suggest dates, and do not go out of your way to help in other ways other than fair division of chores, etc.

 

 

Basically, destabilize the relationship by pulling back so that she will notice and stop taking you for granted. She needs to treat you with respect, and you need to leave the room whenever she does not - tell her that you will not be spoken to that way. At the same time, do things for yourself, be sure to get healthy and work on being fit if you have slipped, go out without her and do things with friends.

 

 

She'll either realize what she's been doing and will value the relationship enough to work to fix it, or she won't - in which case you'll know that it really is time to leave.

 

Do all of this if you want a resentful wife.

[Hawaii51]

Do all of this if you want a resentful wife.

 

That's the kicker, he can't lose. She's already ungrateful.

[central]

Do all of this if you want a resentful wife.

 

She's already dismissive, resentful, and disrespectful. He can't lose. His second edit indicates she may be feeling guilty, and he should take her at her word and have their date. If the problems don't clear up, then my suggestions are going to clarify the situation one way or the other, for the best.

[elaine567]

That's the kicker, he can't lose. She's already ungrateful.

 

I do not believe she is ungrateful, she is just busy.

[SJS]

Do all of this if you want a resentful wife.

If you notice in his other thread, this was brought up then. (being resentful, I mean)

[Hawaii51]

I do not believe she is ungrateful, she is just busy.

 

I couldn't edit, but he's also already resentful.

[Syberia]

When I made this post yesterday, we were both angry and had been fighting. Whether it's healthy or not (other thread), we did what we usually do and left each other alone until we calmed down. She was willing to talk about things this morning. She was tired and stressed from work, and took what I said to her the wrong way. Ok, I can understand this and will try not to discuss things like that when she's not in a good mood. She says her job is stressful so I should just assume she's not the happiest person on the planet when she gets home, even if she doesn't show it. That's fair.

 

I will help her get her stuff done in the morning, and we will have our date this evening. Maybe I am making her the target of my annoyance when it really is based on something out of our control (scheduling). She told me she loves me, has only ever wanted our marriage to work, and would never leave. I believe that.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think what is most unhealthy is that you implied you "may leave" while you guys were arguing. That turns the discussion into an ultimatum and can be very damaging to a relationship.

 

I understand you love her and just want more time together but based on wht you descibed, i dont think she is intentionally neglecting your needs. Just busy and may not have realized how important it was to you to go on that romantic date.

 

I agree investing more time to bond with her over her interests would be positive.

[Syberia]

She threatens to leave during arguments, too. Neither of us ultimately mean it.

[SJS]

She threatens to leave during arguments, too. Neither of us ultimately mean it.

Then don't say it.

I know a couple where the wife used to threaten divorce a lot. Finally one day, he said ok. And they're not married anymore. Leaving, divorce, any type of threat should never be said unless it's meant because it can backfire. Like with said couple.

I'm no therapist but I think there's a lot more going on than either what you realize or what you're telling us.