Not sure where we're headed

[hawkeye_pierce]

Wife and I have been married almost 12 years, two great kids. She has an awesome job that she loves and I stay home with the kids. Early on in our relationship, she kept bugging me to get some health issues checked out. I never did. My health was going down the toilet and I gained a ton of weight. Long story short, my health issues caused problems in the bedroom.

 

Along with all this, she has control issues. I can look at the relationship now and see that she's never really seen me as a partner. More like a tool to help her get where she wants to be in life. Don't get me wrong, there was love there on both sides and there were lots of happy times but I can see now that I let her dictate too much. Why? I was depressed. I can see it now but then, I didn't know what depression really was as far as going through it.

 

So where are we now? Minus the rest of the gut I have to lose, I'm in the best health (mental and physical) of my life. I've been trying to talk to my wife, ask what's wrong but all she ever said was that everything was fine when obviously it isn't. Pretty much a dead bedroom, we live like roommates.

 

Trying to keep this as anonymous as possible, just in case she finds this, let's just say that things came to a head recently. No cheating that I can find and she's told me both times I've asked that there isn't someone else. That alone is the only thing giving me hope that we can fix things but she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me at all. I told her I feel the same way towards her because she won't talk to me.

 

We've started counseling and have a session monday morning. She said in our first session that she wants it to work but doesn't know how to "turn her feelings back on". I'm pretty much in the same spot.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm expecting out of this post. I know it was cathartic to write it out. I'm actually in a pretty good place mentally because I know what I will and won't put up with anymore. I'm going to try my damndest to make this marriage happy again but I know that she has to put some effort in too, but I don't want to live in a world where I don't get to see my kids everyday. They are the rocks that are getting me through this right now. I guess I'm just looking for people who have gone through similar situations, what you did that helped improve things. Sorry if this is disjointed. Lots on my mind lately.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

 

*************************************************

 

Forget about receiving. Just give.

 

Give everything.

 

Hold nothing back.

 

Good luck.

[Emotionless Destiny]

Why in that order well you have to take care of your kids... And as for you well... You need to be strong mentally and physically for your family... Work your butt off for your marriage put all you have into it and your kids... And then when you think you have given your all... Give 100% more... Because that is what it will take to keep your marriage from failing... No one said marriage would be easy and trust me I wish it was easy and we all could be happy from the beginning to end... I have been to counseling for 2 years with my wife and you have to put the work into the tools the counselor gives you for everything to workout... Good luck to you and stay strong and remember if all feels bad and your at your last straw... Step up look at yourself and your kids and fight harder for what you want in the marriage.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm more practical than Ghandi-like, but IMO this will be a long process.

 

The light has flickered for her, and because of your depression, because of your absence for when she needed you for what she needed you for...she just eventually hit rock bottom and let go. She may has lost faith in you as a partner, husband and even as a man. Therefore she has grown to expect nothing, and even worse she feels she holds all the power and responsibility, which might make her feel like the adult and must simply numb herself to continue on...you are not her equal.

 

You have kids together...and that's why many relationships last beyond a threshold they might otherwise have not, she's doing what she needs to do for her family, not just you.

 

You need to realize for all that damage done, it'll take along time to make repairs. Instead of apologize or say you're sorry, just change and work in yourself. Be the man she always needed you to be and dint expect a reward for it. If you want to go all balls in then realize it may be too little too late, you may not succeed...but if you want a chance, then you just need to keep working at it...you need to prove to her first you can be that man, you can be trusted and leaned in...she can ultimately be vulnerable and open to you emotionally.

 

But it's going to be a selfless act for a long time, and eventually she needs to work through this with you to resolve it.

 

Just remember no self loathing or wallowing, just take care of business quietly an on your own...she will see it. No begging for forgiveness or another chance...it doesn't work at this point.

 

If all else fails...you tried and will have grown and learned much from the experience. But it's gonna be baby steps and a long road...keep your expectations very low, this will not change overnight...if it ever does.

[whichwayisup]

First off, love your username!

 

You and your wife have drifted apart, physically and emotionally. The love is there, it's just not being felt right now.

 

Continue with counseling and do date nights. Make special time for each other, leave love notes, cuddle and do massages, hold hands, kiss every day on the lips. You two were attracted to one another, loved each other a lot, enough to get married and have kids so with lots of effort (hopefully) the desire will come back.

 

As long as you both are on board to make it work and do everything possible, put in 100% effort, don't give up.

 

Remember what it was that made you fall for her. Ask her what she saw in you years ago.

 

Talk about stuff, always be honest, even if it hurts to hear.

 

Take time each day to have fun, be silly and laugh.

[hawkeye_pierce]

I'm more practical than Ghandi-like, but IMO this will be a long process.

 

The light has flickered for her, and because of your depression, because of your absence for when she needed you for what she needed you for...she just eventually hit rock bottom and let go. She may has lost faith in you as a partner, husband and even as a man. Therefore she has grown to expect nothing, and even worse she feels she holds all the power and responsibility, which might make her feel like the adult and must simply numb herself to continue on...you are not her equal.

 

You have kids together...and that's why many relationships last beyond a threshold they might otherwise have not, she's doing what she needs to do for her family, not just you.

 

You need to realize for all that damage done, it'll take along time to make repairs. Instead of apologize or say you're sorry, just change and work in yourself. Be the man she always needed you to be and dint expect a reward for it. If you want to go all balls in then realize it may be too little too late, you may not succeed...but if you want a chance, then you just need to keep working at it...you need to prove to her first you can be that man, you can be trusted and leaned in...she can ultimately be vulnerable and open to you emotionally.

 

But it's going to be a selfless act for a long time, and eventually she needs to work through this with you to resolve it.

 

Just remember no self loathing or wallowing, just take care of business quietly an on your own...she will see it. No begging for forgiveness or another chance...it doesn't work at this point.

 

If all else fails...you tried and will have grown and learned much from the experience. But it's gonna be baby steps and a long road...keep your expectations very low, this will not change overnight...if it ever does.

 

Yeah I know this is gonna be baby steps. She's the one that's wanting it to change overnight. I'm the one looking at trying to save the marriage practically, like you said, baby steps. It's entirely possible that she's already checked out and she's just putting on a bit of a show to figure out her exit plan.

 

You seem to lay a lot of the blame on me. The problems are pretty equal as far as what we have both done to get where we are. We've had several conversations since we started counseling. She owns up to her part in it too. She knows she's done things to drive the wedge between us deeper. The fact that we've both contributed in the ways we have is what makes me keep fighting.

 

And no... no apologies from me. No groveling. No begging. When we had our first talk, I apologized for my part in everything but that was it. Told her that I was not that person anymore and that I understand that, just saying "I'm not that person anymore" is just spoken words. I told her that I knew I would have to SHOW her that I'm not that person but that I am 100% committed to doing so.

[hawkeye_pierce]

Why in that order well you have to take care of your kids... And as for you well... You need to be strong mentally and physically for your family... Work your butt off for your marriage put all you have into it and your kids... And then when you think you have given your all... Give 100% more... Because that is what it will take to keep your marriage from failing... No one said marriage would be easy and trust me I wish it was easy and we all could be happy from the beginning to end... I have been to counseling for 2 years with my wife and you have to put the work into the tools the counselor gives you for everything to workout... Good luck to you and stay strong and remember if all feels bad and your at your last straw... Step up look at yourself and your kids and fight harder for what you want in the marriage.

 

Thank you for this. Your post pretty much explains exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm in it for the long haul, I just hope she can put the effort in too.

[hawkeye_pierce]

First off, love your username!

 

You and your wife have drifted apart, physically and emotionally. The love is there, it's just not being felt right now.

 

Continue with counseling and do date nights. Make special time for each other, leave love notes, cuddle and do massages, hold hands, kiss every day on the lips. You two were attracted to one another, loved each other a lot, enough to get married and have kids so with lots of effort (hopefully) the desire will come back.

 

As long as you both are on board to make it work and do everything possible, put in 100% effort, don't give up.

 

Remember what it was that made you fall for her. Ask her what she saw in you years ago.

 

Talk about stuff, always be honest, even if it hurts to hear.

 

Take time each day to have fun, be silly and laugh.

 

We're doing date nights. Cuddling and any physical affection? Not so much. Mainly because she just doesn't want to. Sure as hell not going to force anything. We are both working to lose weight so I have been offfering massages and she's been letting me so I hope that leads to more.

[hawkeye_pierce]

From my journal:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

 

*************************************************

 

Forget about receiving. Just give.

 

Give everything.

 

Hold nothing back.

 

Good luck.

 

Pretty much my mindset right now.

[MJJean]

First off, love your username!

 

You and your wife have drifted apart, physically and emotionally. The love is there, it's just not being felt right now.

 

Continue with counseling and do date nights. Make special time for each other, leave love notes, cuddle and do massages, hold hands, kiss every day on the lips. You two were attracted to one another, loved each other a lot, enough to get married and have kids so with lots of effort (hopefully) the desire will come back.

 

As long as you both are on board to make it work and do everything possible, put in 100% effort, don't give up.

 

Remember what it was that made you fall for her. Ask her what she saw in you years ago.

 

Talk about stuff, always be honest, even if it hurts to hear.

 

Take time each day to have fun, be silly and laugh.

 

This!

 

Also, think about the ways you've improved over time. It's not just about what you saw in each other years ago to make you fall in love. It's also about what you see in each other now.

 

Take every advantage of those massages. If she's sore, she'll relax and the intimacy of touch will make her more receptive to physical and emotional closeness.

[hawkeye_pierce]

Well, not sure what to do at this point. She told me she's done with the relationship. Then she told me that she would give things a try but only for the kids. I just don't know how to make it work. She doesn't want me to touch her or sit next to her so not sure how "working on things" could even be possible. Those are both things I wanted to do just to work on getting closer to each other. She also said that she's going to counseling more for me than her. That she thinks that it will help us if (when) we divorce. She has this idea that we'll be on friendly terms if we divorce. What I can't seem to get through to her is that, if we divorce, she'll basically be dead to me. We can email about important issues about the kids but that's the extent of any communication I would want with her.

 

She did say that she's appreciative of the communication that we finally have. That's mainly been her thing though. She bottled so many things up for so long and wouldn't talk to me when I wanted to that now that we are talking, all she can do is say that she's done.

 

****.

[road]

I am afraid there is an affair. Do your research on how to find out if your wife is having and affair.

 

 

I suspect an affair for wives do not just divorce unless they have your replacement lined up and ready.

 

 

WW's lose respect for a BH that is a stay at home dad. They are not providing for the family. A WW can pull in a replacement that they respect because he has a job and shows that he can take care of her. You by choosing to not work have made most men appear out alpha to you.

 

 

You need to make your WW find you attractive and respect you.

Get yourself to the gym and tone up.

Get yourself a job and contribute to the family.

[spanz1]

I am not a woman, so can not tell you for sure, but I have heard that when a woman falls out of love with you--it is OVER. it is not coming back.

 

 

SO you still have a gut? well, lose it, instantly. go get liposuction or something, turn whats left into a six pack. you have a small chance you can turn it around. maybe she will take pity on you if she sees you doing herculean effort to win her heart back. but don't bet on it. you screwed up.

[hawkeye_pierce]

I am afraid there is an affair. Do your research on how to find out if your wife is having and affair.

 

 

I suspect an affair for wives do not just divorce unless they have your replacement lined up and ready.

 

 

WW's lose respect for a BH that is a stay at home dad. They are not providing for the family. A WW can pull in a replacement that they respect because he has a job and shows that he can take care of her. You by choosing to not work have made most men appear out alpha to you.

 

 

You need to make your WW find you attractive and respect you.

Get yourself to the gym and tone up.

Get yourself a job and contribute to the family.

 

I have a feeling there's someone else too but I can't prove it. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as phone usage. I've snooped. I think it's more of she thinks there's someone better out there and just doesn't give a **** anymore. I know my mindset is quickly moving that way.

 

Your stance on stay at home dads is pretty insulting though. It is BY FAR the hardest job I've ever had. Just because I don't have a monthly salary doesn't mean I don't contribute to our family. It was a joint decision we both made. She will always have a better/higher paying job simply because of her degree. That on top of the industry she's in, she's always had better insurance. We talked for months. Talked about selling the home and getting something smaller so that my income could cover everything so she could stay home. She didn't want to though. I was glad to do it and would do it all over again.

 

I weigh less now than I did when we married. Why? Because I go to the gym 4-5 days per week.

[hawkeye_pierce]

I am not a woman, so can not tell you for sure, but I have heard that when a woman falls out of love with you--it is OVER. it is not coming back.

 

 

SO you still have a gut? well, lose it, instantly. go get liposuction or something, turn whats left into a six pack. you have a small chance you can turn it around. maybe she will take pity on you if she sees you doing herculean effort to win her heart back. but don't bet on it. you screwed up.

 

Yeah I'm pretty sure it's over too. Yeah, I still have a gut but not nearly as big as it was when we started dating. I've lost close to 100 pounds. I'm getting hit on by women at the gym so as far as that goes, I'm not worried about what would happen after we divorce, I just don't want it to happen. I realize, though, that's not really in my control. I don't want to live in a world where I can't see my boys every day.

[road]

I have a feeling there's someone else too but I can't prove it. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as phone usage. I've snooped. I think it's more of she thinks there's someone better out there and just doesn't give a **** anymore. I know my mindset is quickly moving that way.

 

Your stance on stay at home dads is pretty insulting though. It is BY FAR the hardest job I've ever had. Just because I don't have a monthly salary doesn't mean I don't contribute to our family. It was a joint decision we both made. She will always have a better/higher paying job simply because of her degree. That on top of the industry she's in, she's always had better insurance. We talked for months. Talked about selling the home and getting something smaller so that my income could cover everything so she could stay home. She didn't want to though. I was glad to do it and would do it all over again.

 

I weigh less now than I did when we married. Why? Because I go to the gym 4-5 days per week.

 

 

 

 

The problem is not how you perceive the value of a SAHD. It is how society perceive and your WW perceive you.

 

 

Does your WW keep her phone glued to her side and locked?

[hawkeye_pierce]

The problem is not how you perceive the value of a SAHD. It is how society perceive and your WW perceive you.

 

 

Does your WW keep her phone glued to her side and locked?

 

It's always in close proximity but no lock. I've snooped and found nothing excet for the fact that she deletes all her text messages. She also does this with email. I know that's a sign that she could be hiding something but looking at phone records and installed apps on her phone, I don't see anything that jumps out at me (whatsapp, kik, dating apps etc).

 

Going back to the SAHD thing. I couldn't care less how society "perceives the value" of a SAHD. I have an awesome relationship with my kids and they love me. That's not something you can put a price on. I will concede that, even though we talked in depth about me staying home and that she didn't want to be a SAHM, I will agree that this may have a big impact on how she looks at me.

 

At this point I don't think there's really anything to work on though. I'm trying, just like she said she would too... Just for the boys. Just to see if we can salvage this. The problem is as days go on, I'm realizing that I just don't trust her to tell the truth about anything. She's got some pretty serious medical stuff going on right now that she's keeping me out of the loop on.

[road]

It's always in close proximity but no lock. I've snooped and found nothing excet for the fact that she deletes all her text messages. She also does this with email.

 

 

You need to put a key logger on the PC.

 

 

If you have not done so then you must hide a VAR in wife's car and in the house where she takes her phone calls.

 

 

Real time GPS on wife's car. You will know if she is suppose to be where she said she was. Also GPS her phone for she can leave work and not be taking her car.

 

 

Next step is to check phone bills. Any phone numbers that she texts with way more then other numbers?

 

 

Can you get copies of texts from the phone company without wife finding out?

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah, I still have a gut but not nearly as big as it was when we started dating. I've lost close to 100 pounds.

 

I will concede that, even though we talked in depth about me staying home and that she didn't want to be a SAHM, I will agree that this may have a big impact on how she looks at me.

 

First off, congratulations on the weight loss ! Lots of hard work involved there.

 

Between the weight gain and at-home status, she may simply have stopped looking at you as a romantic partner, you're just a "nice guy" she lives with. There may also be a Greek chorus of friends affecting her perceptions.

 

The advice to take investigative steps to rule out an affair is solid. Step 1 to solving a problem is defining it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hawkeye_pierce]

There may also be a Greek chorus of friends affecting her perceptions.

 

The advice to take investigative steps to rule out an affair is solid. Step 1 to solving a problem is defining it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You know what's funny? She's told me that all her friends are telling her (even single mothers who we hang around with on a regular basis) that she'd be making a huge mistake to throw this away and that weather she realizes it now or not, she'd regret divorcing me after it's too late.

 

The longer this goes on, the more I realize she has VERY narcissistic tendencies. I'm not a DR so I won't say she has NPD, but she sure as hell shows signs of it.

 

I've caught her in a lie and have proof she lied to me looking me straight in the eyes. I haven't said anything to her yet because we're going out with our kids this weekend. If I said something now, she's throw a complete **** fit and make the experience miserable for me and our two kids. I'd rather go out, have a good time with my kids and be fake to her than have her ruin the whole time for all of us.

 

This lie has become my deal breaker. I no longer have hope that she can, or even WANTS, to change. She's got severe health problems that she's getting addressed, but only half assed. She won't do one of the tests that the DR is asking for and I'm going with her for her "follow-up". This is something that she's been dealing with since we first started dating.

 

I no longer care what happens to her. At least, as it relates to me. I feel sorry for our kids because she's such a toxic person and so extremely self centered that she doesn't care about the long term damage she's doing to them. Couple that with the fact that she could end up dead from not taking care of herself....

 

I just can't do it anymore. I know the end is here. I just gotta get my ducks in a row. All I care about anymore are my kids. They're my rocks. They will get me through this and vice-versa.

 

Also, thanks for the positive words about the weight loss. Something happened the other day that really made me think about my relationship. My gym is run by the city I live in and they have day care. There's always crafts, book reading etc so I like that my kids can go up there and have fun and not just be plopped in front of a TV. Anyway, I've been taking them up there for a couple years now. The same girls have worked there as long as I've been going. I signed my kiddos in and gave the girl my membership card (she was mid conversation with another girl that works there). As I'm signing the kids in, I hear her say "you look fantastic!". Naturally, I thought it was part of the conversation with her coworker. No, she was looking right at me. She asked how much weight I had lost, I told her and she said that I should really be proud of myself. I sheepishly said thank you and continued getting my kids signed in.

 

When I got to the locker room, I sat down and cried. I realized that this girl, who's easily half my age and doesn't know me at all, had just given me one of the best compliments I'd ever had in my life and realized, one that my wife should be saying to me. It was definitely an ego boost because this girl was pretty cute but I realized I just wanted my wife to say the same thing. After all, I've been doing this for me, but also so she and I and our kids can have a fun life together. At least I'll be around for my kids.

 

Wow, this really got wordy. For whoever is reading this, sorry. I'll have a bigger update after our next MC session but that's not for over one week from now. I'll probably come back and post from time to time because it's pretty cathartic to write this all out.

[spanz1]

jeez, if I could lose 100 lbs....

 

 

that is amazingly good. But like I said keep it up.

 

 

It sounds like you are in a mode of analyzing EVERYTHING she says to you, and that is not good. Try being a little less caring about every word out of her mouth, be a little more aloof. There is "the 180" you can try a little of to try to regain some of your sexual ranking in her eyes. One thing that DEFINITELY ups your sexual ranking is if she thinks other women are hitting on you, like that one at the gym. You could let a little conversation like that slip out with her.

[apeman101]

In my opinion, you have failed to be THE MAN in the relationship.

Edited March 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[hawkeye_pierce]

jeez, if I could lose 100 lbs....

 

 

that is amazingly good. But like I said keep it up.

 

 

It sounds like you are in a mode of analyzing EVERYTHING she says to you, and that is not good. Try being a little less caring about every word out of her mouth, be a little more aloof. There is "the 180" you can try a little of to try to regain some of your sexual ranking in her eyes. One thing that DEFINITELY ups your sexual ranking is if she thinks other women are hitting on you, like that one at the gym. You could let a little conversation like that slip out with her.

 

 

Yeah I am analyzing things too much. I can see that. Trying to get better about it but it's hard when you keep finding new things she's lied about. I may just let that compliment slip out sometime. Hadn't really thought about what she would think about it.