Any wives dealing with their hubby's combat PTSD?

[Hopefulone1]

Feeling alone and need some others to talk to. Hubby is very easily angered, and it doesn't take much to get him angry. He's always yelling at the kids, they are afraid of him. I could go on and on, but for now, I want to see if others are out there.

[Downtown]

Feeling alone and need some others to talk to. Hubby is very easily angered, and it doesn't take much to get him angry. He's always yelling at the kids, they are afraid of him. I could go on and on, but for now, I want to see if others are out there.

Hope, was he diagnosed as having PTSD? Did you not see any anger issues prior to his returning from deployment (or whatever caused the PTSD)? I ask because, even if he does exhibit PTSD, he may have had anger issues in addition to it if they were evident earlier.

[Hopefulone1]

Hope, was he diagnosed as having PTSD? Did you not see any anger issues prior to his returning from deployment (or whatever caused the PTSD)? I ask because, even if he does exhibit PTSD, he may have had anger issues in addition to it if they were evident earlier.

 

Yes, he had anger issues before, but they are worse now. No diagnosis bc he's too proud to talk to someone and thinks this is just how red blooded males act!

[Downtown]

Yes, he had anger issues before, but they are worse now. No diagnosis bc he's too proud to talk to someone and thinks this is just how red blooded males act!

Hope, given that he won't seek help, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. One possibility is that your H is not suffering from PTSD but, rather, strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) such as BPD (Borderline PD). Moreover, even if he really does have PTSD, that does not rule out BPD because 28% of male PTSD sufferers also have full-blown BPD. Further, there can be other causes of anger issues such as drug abuse or a strong hormone change caused, perhaps, by a blow to the head.

 

It would be helpful, for purposes of discussion, if you would tell us how old your H is, what the anger issues looked like earlier, and what his anger issues look like now. Does he abuse drugs? Also, it would be helpful to know whether he experienced any trauma, abandonment, or abuse during early childhood.

[pie2]

I'm sorry for your pain, OP . I'm not in your situation, but I agree that some individual counseling or a support group might be helpful. It must be exhausting to deal with his anger, especially while trying to raise little ones.

 

If your husband does not see that he has a problem, it will be nearly impossible for him to change on his own. I pray that one day he opens his eyes to his behaviors, and aspires to a better way of life. In the meantime, you may find support in how to approach your marriage and protecting your children.

 

But until you seek professional help, PLEASE be aware that only trained professionals can diagnose mental health disorders. You may read about many different possible diagnoses on the internet. For example, the above poster mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. I would just like to caution you from delving into the realm of trying to diagnose your husband without a professional. Though, your gut reaction of PTSD is probably much closer to the mark than a stranger's opinion from Loveshack.

 

Best of luck to you, OP.

[loveboid]

Not me. Whether he has PTSD or not his condition or situation doesn't excuse bad behavior.

 

If you think he has a condition, first I would make myself safe. Second I would research the condition. For PTSD I recommend:

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD webcasts for trauma survivors, counselors, therapists, health professionals and clergy - Gift From Within

 

For PTSD there's a new therapy called Stellate Ganglion Block that is promising. Sedatives such as alcohol and especially benzodiazepine (Klonopin, among other trade names) make PTSD worse. Benzos are contraindicated for PTSD by the US Veterans Affairs.

 

Exercise of any kind helps. Look at Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's research:

Bessel van der Kolk ? Restoring the Body: Yoga, EMDR, and Treating Trauma | On Being

[Hopefulone1]

I've been thinking a lot and I'm going to tell him if he doesn't get counseling then I will leave. I can't live the rest of my life this way. We are taught to be understanding and supportive when they come back from war, but they forget about supporting the spouses who have to deal with this.

[Timshel]

One of my brothers did 4 tours, paratrooper. Have you talked to his CO? There is a lot more awareness now and I know the VA is stepping up their game. It is important to talk to someone. Since he is against therapy (my brother was also but he was diagnosed w/PTSD) he may respect a male "brothers" advice. Try to get a male friend or his CO to help him.

 

If you and the kids are afraid please take that seriously and get away from him until he is dealing with it. It does not mean you don't love him. Please be careful. ((hug))

[d0nnivain]

My husband basically shut down . . . didn't talk, no emotions whatsoever, so stoic. But when he gets angry . . . OMG! watch out. It's terrifying, even though it's never been directed at me but I did get to see it up close as he protected me one night. Everybody else who witnessed it said the same thing: he was ice cold & deadly. He was like a different person, not really human, just a man bent on doing whatever it took to stop the violence.

 

 

The wife's part of the story in American Sniper so resonated with me because Chris wasn't talking.

 

 

My husband would probably rather eat his service weapon then admit that he carries scars from his time in combat. God forbid he see a counselor.

 

 

You know what did help? Every year he attends a reunion with his brothers in arms. The guys talk, they reminisce, they all support each other -- especially the ones who are more broken than the rest. The wives, we've become friendly. We sit & chat & mostly eat while the guys separate themselves from us. It's a little like a junior high school dance. But all the wives agree, the changes we have seen in them have been tremendous. They are all on FB together. They call each other. There's stuff they can talk about with each other that we are better off not knowing. Having that outlet has been so good for them all.

 

 

The do share the good times with us but they hide the bad stuff. While I would like to think that I'm strong enough to help him deal, the reality is he wants to protect me from the horrors he's seen.

 

 

So my advice to you, encourage him to get together with his service buddies. We fly cross country for this every year. Yes it's expensive but it is the best therapy for our guys who swear they don't have issues.

[Hopefulone1]

My husband basically shut down . . . didn't talk, no emotions whatsoever, so stoic. But when he gets angry . . . OMG! watch out. It's terrifying, even though it's never been directed at me but I did get to see it up close as he protected me one night. Everybody else who witnessed it said the same thing: he was ice cold & deadly. He was like a different person, not really human, just a man bent on doing whatever it took to stop the violence.

 

 

The wife's part of the story in American Sniper so resonated with me because Chris wasn't talking.

 

 

My husband would probably rather eat his service weapon then admit that he carries scars from his time in combat. God forbid he see a counselor.

 

 

You know what did help? Every year he attends a reunion with his brothers in arms. The guys talk, they reminisce, they all support each other -- especially the ones who are more broken than the rest. The wives, we've become friendly. We sit & chat & mostly eat while the guys separate themselves from us. It's a little like a junior high school dance. But all the wives agree, the changes we have seen in them have been tremendous. They are all on FB together. They call each other. There's stuff they can talk about with each other that we are better off not knowing. Having that outlet has been so good for them all.

 

 

The do share the good times with us but they hide the bad stuff. While I would like to think that I'm strong enough to help him deal, the reality is he wants to protect me from the horrors he's seen.

 

 

So my advice to you, encourage him to get together with his service buddies. We fly cross country for this every year. Yes it's expensive but it is the best therapy for our guys who swear they don't have issues.

 

Thanks for that. He does get together with friends but I have no idea what they talk about. He does seem "lighter" when he's done hanging out with them. He's shared a few things with me, but honestly I wish he didn't, as some things you can't get out of your mind. It's his unpredictability that's scary too. He can be happy and jovial, and the next minute he's in a rage. His anger is never proportionate to whatever he's angry about.

[d0nnivain]

How close are you to his buddies? Can you get one of them to talk to him about how much he scares you?

 

 

There is a lot less stigma about PTSD in the public but it's still a huge thing among the vets. They can't / won't show weakness.

 

 

Can you get yourself into a support group? There are some books about dealing with it. Call the local VA & ask them to direct you. If they give you bureaucratic BS try calling somebody like Wounded Warriors. You could also ask the Army of Hope project for the B.P.O. Elks. Whatever you do, don't suffer in silence.

[SleeplessIn]

I've been married almost 20 yrs to a former ground-combat Marine who served in Vietnam. He is rated 100% disabled due to PTSD. Because there was no help/recognition of the condition prior to about the 1980's by the VA, the condition became engrained with these veterans, but even so counseling therapy can help. Resorting to help doesn't mean he is weak or not a man -- his war experiences already prove he was and is a man, and the issues he is having simply show that he is also a human being. Making the transition from the training and experiences that kept him alive (hair trigger responses, for example) to the calmer waters of civilian life is not an easy thing to do, but there are techniques he can learn that will help him and the whole family.

 

I recommend this website run by a very experienced wife of a former combat vet who has done a great deal to help both vets and their family members learn to cope with PTSD. This link specifically addresses the concerns you've raised here on LS: Patience Mason's PTSD Blog: Irritability and outbursts of anger

 

And I also recommend her book to you: Recovering from the War -- I've found it extremely helpful.

 

.

[elaine567]

As I said in your other thread, the kids are frightened of him and he has now raped you.

Enough is enough.

YOU need to separate for your kids mental well being, and to allow him to get help and sort his own head out.

YOU cannot fix this, he needs professional help.

[Davey L]

Can you get help through the military? And would he more readily accept help through the military than through a civilian therapist? I'm thinking he might have a bit more respect for a military colleague and be more willing to take the help.

 

Which country are you in? i don't know how the U.S. system works or what support is available for families in your situation but in the UK before our daughter went to Afghanistan we were briefed on what help was available.

 

I have read all your posts here and it's a difficult situation as you will feel a greater sense of obligation not to abandon your man in the circumstances having been serving his country than for a normally-abusive man. Stick with it if you can without risking your own safety, but if you feel in danger get out and insist he get help before you return.

[Hopefulone1]

We would have to find someone anonymous, someone we wouldn't see while out in the community. We are both private people and don't talk about our marital issues with others. He's never hit me, he just uses his size to intimidate (6'2) me, and keep me "in check". We got into an argument over tax return the other day. I told him I wanted to pay off the credit card bill with the highest interest first and he wanted to pay one with the lower interest off first. I told him that made no sense,we're paying off X credit card first. He methodically walked over to me, bent down,got in my face and asked " what did you say"?,while gritting his teeth. The argument stopped right there and he won. I hate that he's taken my voice away. I feel like I'm in prevention mode and that things would escalate without the counseling. We do have good times, and if he ever hurt our kids I'd be gone. I just want to say that I've tried everything before throwing in the towel.

[elaine567]

He doesn't need to hit you for it to be seen as domestic abuse. Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, some say more damaging. He also raped you.

 

Read the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven - you can view it on Kindle.

Also

[truncated]

I don't know if your husabnd is dealing with PTSD, and it's hard for anyone to tell just based on some internet posts.

 

That beng said, my husband is a vetran ( served in Khandahar in Afghanistan and at sevreal FOB's while he was there) and many of my friends and their spouses did as well. PTSD is very real, and it can lead to some very serrious problems in a person's life.

 

I don't know what country you live in, but there are suports out there for you to access. One of the first places I would start is with your husband's unit padre ( or the equivalent). Whether or not you are religious, they can help you by listening and directing you towards services in your community that can really help you. The good news is that ( unless what you tell them is something that indicates that you or someone else is at imediate risk of being harmed) it's confidential and they won't bring it to the chain of command.

 

You can also use this link Family Navigator to help you find information and services. It is a Canadian site, but if you are feeling really alone and desperate, you can contact one of the MFRC's even if you aren;t Canadian. They wll not turn you away. They have a lot of contacts with military family service programs in other countries and will be more than happy to help. I have a lot of professional experince working with them, and they have done this for people form other countries before when they called looking for help.

 

Another idea is to find out if there is a employee support program number that you can call for military spouses. There is one here ( CFMAP- Canadian forces memeber assisstance program) and they have a 24 hour number you can call that will help set you up with counselling and other asissts in your community.

 

( sorry that these examples are Canadian if you are not from Canada...many NATO member countries have similar support systems in place. Like I said though, the first person I would calll would be one of the base padres. They can also help you in finding somewhere safe to go if you need it.)

[Hopefulone1]

He doesn't need to hit you for it to be seen as domestic abuse. Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, some say more damaging. He also raped you.

 

Read the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven - you can view it on Kindle.

Also

 

It's hard for me to see it as rape since I didn't try to fight ( although I did try to get up but it was futile)and had an orgasm. I felt numb afterwards. Maybe I'm just as messed up in the head.

 

We didn't get a chance to talk about counseling yesterday bc he had a rough day at work. Will try again tonight.