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Choosing your partner's friends after marriage


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I was reading on another forum a thread about a wife complaining about her husband not settling down and helping out with their newly born first child. He preferred to go out with his friends at the drop of a hat.

 

Needless to say the guy got a bit of a kicking in the replies. There was also a lot of judgement of his friends going on, with a lot of female posters suggesting that his friends were "dysfunctional" for not being in a committed relstionship and having kids in their 30s. There was a general mood that his friends were 'unsafe' and lacking as people because they didnt have a partner to make them more palatable to associate with a couple with children.

 

It suggested something that I have always been suspicious of in friends that I have seen settle down. As soon as they settle down I get phased out as I guess my perrennially single status does not go down well with the wife and they sanitise their husband's friends list as soon as the ring is on the finger. The next thing I know my friend is going to couple-y dinner parties with couples that his wife knows and thats the last I see of him.

 

So I just wanted to see what other people's experiences are- is this actually a common thing? Do wives try and steer their husbands towards more socially approved friends after marriage?

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I have my friends who have been there for me in the trenches when times were tough. I would take a bullet for some of them and my wife respects that. No way I am letting a woman tell me who I can and can't have as a friend. I don't do the same with her either. Him not doing his share with the baby is another story but I will never be one of those men who only does wife approved activities. Luckily my wife would never attempt to be one of those wives.

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I never "chose" any of my H's friends, and we both had long term friends that pre-dated the marriage.

 

I suspect the problem you referenced is not that the wife was choosing friends, but that the man who was supposed to be this child's father needed to man up.

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todreaminblue

Never been married but i never sanitised any bf's friend list.......most of my bfs friends became my friends......some of them life long....even though we are not together anymore.....

 

i think the coupley dinners and stuff is pretty normal......when i was in a relationship i often went to couple dinners.....or got invited to them....my partner would hang around the husband and i would talk food with the wife...and raid recipe books and look at photos....quite a lot of photos......there were common interests there on both sides.....family life.....

 

i would never have considered making this a fact that involved vetoing friendships that my exes had....i have been asked by an ex to drop certain friends......the reasons for doing so were genuine.....they werent being true friends to me...i wasnt aware...i dont think its right to drop friends due to their status of being single or in a couple...thats quite cruel........deb

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When you have family responsibilities family has to come 1st. That means there is often less time for recreation. If one partner is constantly saddling the other will all the child care & all the responsibility, there is a problem. Both partners need down time & time with friends but family obligations come 1st.

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Rejected Rosebud

It suggested something that I have always been suspicious of in friends that I have seen settle down. As soon as they settle down I get phased out as I guess my perrennially single status does not go down well with the wife and they sanitise their husband's friends list as soon as the ring is on the finger. The next thing I know my friend is going to couple-y dinner parties with couples that his wife knows and thats the last I see of him.

 

So I just wanted to see what other people's experiences are- is this actually a common thing? Do wives try and steer their husbands towards more socially approved friends after marriage?

I think it's pretty rare for a wife to "sanitize" a man's friend list! Being married, I expect, is a different lifestyle to being single for both the husband and the wife and maybe hanging around with other couples feels comfortable! If you got married would you be okay with your wife hanging out at clubs with all her single drinking buddies and leaving you home with the new baby??;)
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I think it's pretty rare for a wife to "sanitize" a man's friend list! Being married, I expect, is a different lifestyle to being single for both the husband and the wife and maybe hanging around with other couples feels comfortable! If you got married would you be okay with your wife hanging out at clubs with all her single drinking buddies and leaving you home with the new baby??;)

 

Good question! I would try and be understanding about it as I am very conscious of turning into a hypocrite when trying to apply my single mindset to a married life. The socialising I wouldnt have a problem with- I guess the rest becomes a matter of trust.

 

Obviously there are responsibilities that come first but I dont see why you cant balance your life with that of the family person. I get a bit fed up of seeing people go 'all in' and you never see them for dust after thst. Those guys will be needing their friends to pick up the pieces if their marriage hits the buffers, I honestly couldnt blame any man for turning his back on someone who forsaked them so easily for married life.

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I never "chose" any of my H's friends, and we both had long term friends that pre-dated the marriage.

 

I suspect the problem you referenced is not that the wife was choosing friends, but that the man who was supposed to be this child's father needed to man up.

 

Oh he did sound like an arse for sure! As much as I defend a man's right to go on a bender every now and then he sounded like he was taking it too far and I would like to think as a friend I would have a word.

 

But it was really noticable how the other posters (who seemed to be married women with kids) were Slandering his friends without knowing anything about them other than that they were single- there were all sorts of nasty conclusions about their character being jumped to because of their relationship and parenthood status, the crux of which was that coupled up/parent men = safe, single childless men = something wrong with them.

 

So I just wondered how prevalent that attitude is as I have seen a few friends fall by the wayside due to marriage and parenthood, their circle of friends changes to people in the same circumstances. Its a bit hurtful how I am considered 'persona non grata' after knowing these guys for 15 years+ since we were in high school together because I'm not a good fit for couple-y dinner parties.

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Rejected Rosebud

True friendship endures and accommodates to life's changes! But social stuff will change after getting married for a lot of people!:)

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Oh he did sound like an arse for sure! As much as I defend a man's right to go on a bender every now and then he sounded like he was taking it too far and I would like to think as a friend I would have a word.

 

But it was really noticable how the other posters (who seemed to be married women with kids) were Slandering his friends without knowing anything about them other than that they were single- there were all sorts of nasty conclusions about their character being jumped to because of their relationship and parenthood status, the crux of which was that coupled up/parent men = safe, single childless men = something wrong with them.

 

So I just wondered how prevalent that attitude is as I have seen a few friends fall by the wayside due to marriage and parenthood, their circle of friends changes to people in the same circumstances. Its a bit hurtful how I am considered 'persona non grata' after knowing these guys for 15 years+ since we were in high school together because I'm not a good fit for couple-y dinner parties.

 

Some people think that men are degenerate brutes without a woman around to civilize them.

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I was reading on another forum a thread about a wife complaining about her husband not settling down and helping out with their newly born first child. He preferred to go out with his friends at the drop of a hat.

 

Needless to say the guy got a bit of a kicking in the replies. There was also a lot of judgement of his friends going on, with a lot of female posters suggesting that his friends were "dysfunctional" for not being in a committed relstionship and having kids in their 30s. There was a general mood that his friends were 'unsafe' and lacking as people because they didnt have a partner to make them more palatable to associate with a couple with children.

 

It suggested something that I have always been suspicious of in friends that I have seen settle down. As soon as they settle down I get phased out as I guess my perrennially single status does not go down well with the wife and they sanitise their husband's friends list as soon as the ring is on the finger. The next thing I know my friend is going to couple-y dinner parties with couples that his wife knows and thats the last I see of him.

 

So I just wanted to see what other people's experiences are- is this actually a common thing? Do wives try and steer their husbands towards more socially approved friends after marriage?

 

I have a partner who cut out on some of his social contacts (both those married and single) and not on the others (both married and single contacts). It is about people being cut off, not their status. Some of my partner's friends did not acknowledge that things in his life changed and that stuff between them cannot remain exactly the same as it has been when they were 18 or 23... He is 39 now and kind of did not want his buddies and female friends come over and start forcing him to comment on naked chicks in front of me, or trying to cuddle with him (even though she is married), or similar... Single people often have no either recollection or knowledge of how is it to be in a relationship and that perhaps your friend's partners do not need to hear about how you used to hook up with chicks in college who had awesome tits...or something equally retarded.

 

 

I am pretty sure me and my partner had similar life in that regard, but we do not need to go telling, for example, about previous sex life details to our partners. I would never have so dumb friends who would come over and tell how we were hooking up with guys and how big dicks and great bodies they had... out of respect for my partner. And also because that is the past that I do not give a damn about, do not miss, and there is no reason to recollect it in front of him.

 

 

Having friends like that is likely to cause friction in your relationship. Every time you are out there with them, you know that the friend is the one who always points out chicks and how hot they are, pushes your partner to go to clubs or strip bars or something... If it were just a regular single friend trying to catch up in some less intimidating environment, then yes, it is no problem. But to know that someone is going to constantly impose their lifestyle onto your partner because that's what the two of them are used to doing, is not cool at all and that is why friends like that have to go. They do not acknowledge your existence in your partner's life.

 

 

So think about what is it that you are doing to not respect someone's boundaries, and if you have been perfectly respectable and nice, ask what is going on and say you would love to meet more often. Maybe you are doing something you do not realise maybe not... If you have been cut for no reason then it was not such great friendship after all.

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My guy's best buddies have remained whether they were single or coupled at the time (and we've been married long enough for some to be single, married, divorce, remarried).

 

Lots of other buddies have come and gone depending on the phase of life. That's been true for both of us. Some friendships last, and others just phase out. It hasn't had anything to do with the friend's marital status, though. Going out and drinking was an extremely low priority for both of us when we had babies. Friends who were comfortable at a bbq with kids around were the ones we tended to see more of.

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We've both had to phase out friends. I had a mix of single and married friends of both sexes. So did he. My DH was the first of his circle to marry and have kids.

 

Basically, what ended up happening was any friend that wasn't supportive of our marriage or who didn't understand the change in status and level of responsibility or who didn't understand boundaries had to go.

 

 

Other friends who are child friendly, even if they are single and childless, and who understand the lifestyle of married people have remained. A couple of those guys are great with the kids and the kids love them. Two of them, bless their hearts, have even babysat for us so we could go out alone after a long dry spell of datelessness. Those guys I love.

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Other friends who are child friendly, even if they are single and childless, and who understand the lifestyle of married people have remained. A couple of those guys are great with the kids and the kids love them. Two of them, bless their hearts, have even babysat for us so we could go out alone after a long dry spell of datelessness. Those guys I love.

 

We have a couple single/childless friends who've done the same! :love:

 

And this is a very important point that those without kids might not fully understand: if my partner and I haven't had kid-free time alone together in weeks/months, going out with friends might not be the highest priority. Getting some time alone with their spouse would probably rank higher.

 

Our little family was pretty much a package deal for a while there. Luckily, many of our friends enjoyed the whole package. We, too, hung out with young coworkers with kids even before we had our own kids, so I remember being on that side as well.

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We have a couple single/childless friends who've done the same! :love:

 

And this is a very important point that those without kids might not fully understand: if my partner and I haven't had kid-free time alone together in weeks/months, going out with friends might not be the highest priority. Getting some time alone with their spouse would probably rank higher.

Our little family was pretty much a package deal for a while there. Luckily, many of our friends enjoyed the whole package. We, too, hung out with young coworkers with kids even before we had our own kids, so I remember being on that side as well.

Oh, so true! My husbands single friend wanted him to come out and he said he couldn't because he needed to spend some time with me. Friend was baffled. I guess he thinks all we do is talk about our deepest feelings, cuddle, have sex, and eat bon-bons. :rolleyes:

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I have no interest in trying to control who my husband is friends with. If he is neglecting parenting responsibilities that would be a separate issue and it is his fault, not his friends. I don't really judge whether people are "dysfunctional" or not because they aren't in committed relationships in their 30s. I've heard of plenty committed people who are dysfunctional so :laugh::laugh:

 

I will say, I have noticed with some exactly what you're talking about and I don't know if it's always the wife's fault or not. I feel like married people tend to gravitate towards other married people. Maybe it's an issue of feeling like they have more in common? I don't know.

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I agree that a husband or wife should not be "choosing" friends for the other one. I would be more concerned with the fact that her husband is running off with his friends while he leaves his wife at home with the newborn, which indicates a serious lack of responsibility.

 

I am childfree myself and the only thing I do not like when people choose to have kids is to become flaky and stop being a decent friend all because they decided to have a kid. I guess it's one of the reasons I choose not to have kids myself. Most of my friends are childfree and I don't want to have to phase out my friends just to find mommy friends...bleh.

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clevelander321

 

 

So I just wanted to see what other people's experiences are- is this actually a common thing? Do wives try and steer their husbands towards more socially approved friends after marriage?

 

Yes, of course. I would not listen to the women's replies here..They will never admit to being controlling/needy/bothered by not being the center of attention.

 

If you are married with a kid, and a man, chances are you work.. When you come home , often times your wife was with the kids all day.. Now what are the chances you think your wife will say "Oh, hello honey! Of course! Go have a beer with Joe.. I will be right here.. Love you!" Close to zero.

 

What will happen is that she will most likely meet other women with kids, and you will then be friends with these husbands.

 

So, no.. Women are not literally sanitizing a list, but in almost all cases you just cannot ever see your friends alone.. Technically you can still "have" friends, as long as you never see them without your wife being included.

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If you are married with a kid, and a man, chances are you work.. When you come home , often times your wife was with the kids all day.. Now what are the chances you think your wife will say "Oh, hello honey! Of course! Go have a beer with Joe.. I will be right here.. Love you!" Close to zero.

 

What will happen is that she will most likely meet other women with kids, and you will then be friends with these husbands.

 

So, no.. Women are not literally sanitizing a list, but in almost all cases you just cannot ever see your friends alone.. Technically you can still "have" friends, as long as you never see them without your wife being included.

 

This is only partially accurate in my marriage. My husband goes out for drinks with the guys (single and married) about once a quarter. But, he does bring them home for dinner for me to get to know and "approve" so to speak. Why wouldn't he? If I'm going to sacrifice what little me time I have during the week so that he can go out, the least he could do is introduce me to his drinking buddies so that I can be assured that nobody is going to be dragging him to strip clubs and the like. And, his buddies get free home cooked food out of the deal. Heck, some of them come over so often that they're practically extended family members! They're referred to as Uncle So-and-so and they bring serious girlfriends over on occasion. And you know what? His friends respect our marriage and our family. They know that he can't go out at the drop of a hat. They know that my child and I need him to be home most evenings. They don't insinuate that he is a "bad friend" because they recognize that his priorities are different from theirs and that is how it's supposed to be.

 

Granted, our situation might be a bit different because he's active duty military and he is stationed on a base with a ridiculously high deployment rate. If people who might have to dodge bullets together can handle a buddy being a family man, everyone else can suck it up and deal too. More importantly if a man is choosing friends who can't or won't respect his family, then he is a bad husband and father.

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Yes, of course. I would not listen to the women's replies here..They will never admit to being controlling/needy/bothered by not being the center of attention.

 

If you are married with a kid, and a man, chances are you work.. When you come home , often times your wife was with the kids all day.. Now what are the chances you think your wife will say "Oh, hello honey! Of course! Go have a beer with Joe.. I will be right here.. Love you!" Close to zero.

 

What will happen is that she will most likely meet other women with kids, and you will then be friends with these husbands.

 

So, no.. Women are not literally sanitizing a list, but in almost all cases you just cannot ever see your friends alone.. Technically you can still "have" friends, as long as you never see them without your wife being included.

 

I see these as two unreasonable extremes. The reality is in the middle, with everyone choosing their own friends, and friends who don't understand that a parent with young kids can't necessarily go out for drinks after work getting dropped.

 

The friends with unreasonable expectations get phased out. Friends that support the adjustment to family life get to be included in it.

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Rejected Rosebud
Yes, of course. I would not listen to the women's replies here..They will never admit to being controlling/needy/bothered by not being the center of attention.
do you understand how rude a thing that is to post? :mad::mad: I'm surprised such a rude thing about women is even allowed on here. The op asked about "choosing your partner's friends after marriage" and I'm quite sure that women can have just as valid an opinion about this as men can!

If you are married with a kid, and a man, chances are you work.. When you come home , often times your wife was with the kids all day.. Now what are the chances you think your wife will say "Oh, hello honey! Of course! Go have a beer with Joe.. I will be right here.. Love you!" Close to zero.
What are the chances that the married guy will come home and say "I know you've been home with the kids all day, let me take care of them so you can go out bar hopping with your girls!"

 

If my bf didn't want to go spend time with his friends I would be frankly worried about him and also probably annoyed! We both have friendships that are important to us, is this really an unusual concept to you??:confused: If one of us has a person in their life that is destructive to the relationship (that did happen once) it won't be ok and we both agree on this.

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When you get married you may not need to pick your spouses friends but what you should be doing is agreeing on parameters of what activities they are going to do with these friends.

The term being married includes NOT behaving like you are single. If your a husbands friends want to continuously want to drag him to strip clubs or drinking binges where inappropriate behavior is more likely to occur then the friends need to change or go. Same thing the other way. If a wife finds some need under the guise of being with friends needing to run out to clubs weekly dressed like a stripper and act like she is on Spring Break with her divorced or single friends the they have to go also.

Married people need to have friends that are friends of the marriage . That me as not encouraging your spouse to be or take part in activities that they would not do if. You were standing there

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My H had all single friends for the past 22 years together up until a few years ago. They were generally good guys however didn't really understand the dynamics and function of a marriage with children. They can say they "get it" but reality they didn't have the slightest clue. Now that a few of them have settled down I could see that they get it. It was my H who had a hard time with that transition. There is no escaping and having boys fun. I usually come now to mingle with the wives/girlfriends and if he goes alone he is usually ending the night reading nighttime book or colouring. He enjoys it, but....

 

My H single friends was how he "got away". Out with the boys. Innocent fun. They didn't go clubbing or to bars. They would hang out in the basement of his bf's house, drink beers and shoot the **** and for those moments he can be "one of the guys" not husband, father. I suppose I appreciated this and felt he needed it. However I was comfortable with their single life fun. If it was otherwise I might be singing a different tune.

 

My bff still clubs (35 years). She is my polar opposite. However we can't go a day without communicating. She has been pretty much single all her life. She is VERY sexually active and is a "tell it like it is" type of girl. My H has had his love/hate relationship with her but really, in the end it's all about trust and he trusts me. I however have no desires for bars/clubs. My excitement is going for coffee and talking for hours.

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My ex BFF dumped me after he got engaged to his much older, controlling fiancé. His fiancé (both men) is rude, obnoxious and asked me very personal questions despite barely knowing me. My ex BFF has turned into what he hated. They have no children.

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Not for me, my wife never said a thing about my friends. Sadly most of them are now long distance, my best friend moved to AZ 2 years ago.

 

HOWEVER, my parents... my mother pacified my dad's friends and controlled going forward. My dad makes friends essentially from my mother's pool of friends.

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