My bf wants us to have a baby

[neptoon]

On Friday night, my bf and I came back from a night out and we both had a few drinks and he got loose-lipped and said that he'd be really happy if I got pregnant.

 

We are both financially independent. We could support a baby. I'm 32 and I've been working building my business in the last 2 years and I feel my clock ticking...because of the stress. We've been together for a year and had a few rough patches but I've learned to understand him better and he asked me to move in with him and I've been living here for about 3 months now.

 

I've been playing with the idea in my head but I've been scared to talk about it until Friday night, where I blurted out that I do want to have a baby with him. I'm not sorry I said it. I'm really deathly afraid of the pregnancy thing -- when I was around 12, I saw this documentary on this woman giving birth and the screams of labor deathly frightened me.

 

I want to have a baby with him. I've wanted to before. I feel and fear it will change me -- I don't think it will stop me from pursuing anything -- I've personally seen and known many women who have children still go back to school and work. I want to maybe pursue another career or do my masters. I know I might have to work a little harder but I'm already busting my a$$ now. I don't want anyone to put me through school. I want to do it myself. I just want him to encourage me. I love him to bits. I don't think there's a reason why I must choose between him and a career.

 

But I'm scared of giving birth. I can't tell you how this frightens me -- it's probably my ultimate greatest fear -- it's entirely possible I might even fear it more than death itself.

 

When we first started our relationship about a year ago, he told me he had a history of a medical condition where he can't ejaculate during intercourse. But during the last few times we've had sex, this seems to have changed. I'm about 5 days from when my period is due and near a time when I can get pregnant.

 

We had sex last night and he said he let one go inside me. This has never happened with him before. My life is flashing before my eyes right now and I'm terrified. I kind of thought that we talked about it and there would be some months time before we start trying. That woman's bloodcurdling screams from that documentary keeps running through my head. It was only 12 hours ago and I can still go get a morning after pill from the family doctor.

 

Are we under the understanding that we are trying to have a child? I'm TERRIFIED of the birth thing and this is the only thing that is stopping me. It has nothing to do with the relationship -- it is a completely irrational fear but I can't help fearing it.

 

Do I get the morning after pill? I'm really tempted to but would I be violating an understanding that we have?

 

I don't know what to do...

[izzybelle]

please try to put the "giving birth" fears aside and decide if you want a child right now with him!!!! yes, i was terrified of giving birth too after seeing probably the same documentary. but there are so many drugs and things like an epidural that almost completely take away the pain of giving birth, so please, that's something you can discuss with your physician. my mother even went through hypnosis and had some post hypnotic suggestions to help her through the process. i'm not going to tell you that it doesn't hurt, it does, but as i said, medicine has ways to help with that. and who knows, you may be like a friend of mine who kept waiting for things to get as bad as she'd heard they'd be. and while she was still waiting for them to get unbearable, her son was born. she never really went through any pain that even made her consider needing any medicine.

 

all that said.... if this child could just magically appear, no pain, no discomfort, no fear.... do YOU WANT A BABY?!?!?! that's what you need to think about now. the rest is manageable!!!

[Stone]

Question?

 

1. I noticed you said he was your b/f if you are ready for that kind of committment why not get married first?

 

I am in the same "boat" you are with the morning after pill thing and I waited to long you can only do it 72 hours after,

 

If I we're you I would go take the MA pill and talk to your boyfriend about the future you guys have togeather and see if there is a possibility of MARRIAGE!!

 

Society has made have children out of wedlock acceptable, ( I did as well) and it shouldn't be, why have a child without securing your relationship with this man?

[neptoon]

I entirely want a baby with him right now. I could make a million stupid excuses about why I shouldn't (i.e. I might not be able to go to the Galapagos, etc. etc. ) but I know any excuse I use is trivial and stupid to me.

 

I heard the epidural is injected through the spine and it kills! The epidural frightens me too.

 

All my fears of it are irrational. Maybe I should go to my doctor's today and ask the doctor all these questions.

[Stone]

Originally posted by neptoon

I entirely want a baby with him right now. I could make a million stupid excuses about why I shouldn't

 

Make sure you are going to have a baby for the right reasons, children don't ask to be born.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm about 5 days from when my period is due and near a time when I can get pregnant.

 

My husband and I went through a prolonged period of infertility in the beginning of our marriage. I read quite a few books on conception at that time.

 

Generally, when a woman is on a regulare 28 day cycle the optimum time for fertilization is aproximately DAY 13 of the menstrual cycle, with DAY 1 is the first day of your period.

 

Sometime around DAY 11 you may notice changes to the cervical mucas, where it becomes thick, clear, and of an elastic consistancy. The cervix is usually a hostile environment for sperm, except when the above conditions apply. Sperm who make the journey throught the cervix can survive for about 24 hours or so before fertilazation, so it's possible that a surviving sperm could be available before the egg is even release by the ovary!

 

It's an amazingly complex process, and conditions need to be just right. Hard to believe so many of us manage to do it on accident!

 

Anyway, consider stopping off at the bookstore and buying a couple of books on pregnancy and childbirth. Having more information will go a long way to alleviating your fears.

[neptoon]

Yeah, it's already a given that he wants marriage. He's said it a few times now. He seems sincere about it and I trust that he'll be there. I know he REALLY wants kids. Don't get me wrong, I want kids too.

 

But you know that thing when the birth thing seems really far off in the distant future that you don't have to think about it right now and therefore you don't need to think about the thing you're scared of.

 

He seemed to be under the impression that he cannot have children because of his medical conditon but I think he can have kids just fine. I think there is nothing wrong with him and I think most of it stemmed around the circumstances of his past relationships.

 

He was so happy about it this morning. It made me so happy to see how happy he was this morning.

 

It's what I've always wanted.

 

That damn documentary......

[neptoon]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Anyway, consider stopping off at the bookstore and buying a couple of books on pregnancy and childbirth. Having more information will go a long way to alleviating your fears.

 

I hadn't quite thought to get a book about it but that's a good idea. There are a few other books I want to pick up at the bookstore anyway.

 

A few of my friends have also told me they got pregnant DURING their period.

 

I can't figure it out but I think it will be fun trying

[Pocky]

I'm TERRIFIED of the birth thing and this is the only thing that is stopping me.

 

You have the option to have a c-section nowadays. Many women are opting for this because it allows them to schedule the day of the birth and they aren't stuck with the uncertainty and stress of not knowing when they will go into labor. You can schedule the c-section once the doctor provides the hospital with permission to schedule your appointment.

[izzybelle]

definitely get some books and there are tons out there!!!!

 

i've had several epidurals, they weren't all that bad. a little uncomfortable but i'm not sure i'd categorize it as painful. i had a c-section and a vaginal birth...they both have their pluses and minuses. but if having a baby is what you really want, you'll sail through it all. talk to your dr. they can fill you in on all the options. and you'll make it!!! and somehow, when you hold that tiny little person in your arms for the first time ... turst me, what you went through will be the furthest thing from your mind!

[anon2]

You owe any children that you have a two committed parents who make a loving household--with the same legal status that I'm betting you grew up in.

 

Why deny them that?

 

if you want kids, get married first.

[Pocky]

You owe any children that you have a two committed parents who make a loving household--with the same legal status that I'm betting you grew up in.

 

Why deny them that?

 

if you want kids, get married first.

 

Give me a break. A marriage certificate has no merit on whether or not two people are going to provide a healthy, happy and loving home.

[izzybelle]

i agree with pocky and i was married when i had my kids. but all things considered, my kids have now been through a divorce. and while i think they've survived that as well as could be expected i've come to realize that the love they get and the support and all those other wonderful nurturing things, doesn't just come from two people if they're married. it comes from the heart from people who love them. sure, having a mother and a father in their life is a wonderful thing, but a ring on your finger is not the most important piece of that.

[anon2]

Folks,

 

If you are married you do too get things out of it that benefit your children--and youself I might add.

 

I'll skip the moral issues

 

Just take this little nugget of information:

 

If your boyfriend dies you get squat from the social security he's been accumulating.

 

If you were married you'd get widow's benefits right away.

 

If you own a home together and he dies without a will. Guess what, you are not on the short list of folks who get to inherit his assets.

 

His kids may be though, so there is some comfort in that.

 

If he doesn't die and just decides to leave you? You do not have a shot at alimony. Sure, child support, but nothing beyond that.

 

So this leads me back to the marriage and the best thing for a child.

 

Are you going to argue that not getting married is the best thing for a child?

 

Being flip about a marriage certificate being a piece of paper and trivial at that will not bode well for you in a long term committed relationship.

[neptoon]

He believes in getting married, too, if I got pregnant. Personally, I don't think it's absolutely necessary (laws associated with common law couples) these days but I know it means a lot to him and he's already said many times that he will want to.

 

I make pretty good money on my own...that I'm not very worried about. If need be, I could get by on my income alone.

 

I opted not to go get the morning after pill today. Hey, if it happens, I think I'm going to run with it. He's quite responsible and I'm quite certain he wants this as much as I do. I'm comfortable with the decision now and pretty excited about it.

[neptoon]

I heard that they can do c-sections under your belly to minimize the scar (so it doesn't run to your navel) -- anyone know if this is true?

[izzybelle]

c section scars (typically) don't come any where near your navel. for mine they actually shaved some hair off and put the scar low enough so that nobody would even know it was there! i think they maybe used to do vertical scars but mine is horizontal which i believe is what's mostly done these days. because your so stretched at that point by the time i got back down in size the scar was only a few inches long. and like i said, i don't think anyone except me would even know if was there! and.... mine was to some extent an emercency c-section and they still managed minimizing the scar!

[anon2]

So you don't think marriage is worth it unless and until you get pregnant and your BF does?

 

This will be a problem for the two of you. Far more than the dice roll of fertilization.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by neptoon

I heard that they can do c-sections under your belly to minimize the scar (so it doesn't run to your navel) -- anyone know if this is true?

 

Depends on the situation. Most c-sctions are done with a bikini incision. Sometimes in an emergency when the baby must be delivered with great haste, the Classical incision (vertical cut) is used instead.

 

Vaginal birth after Cesarean (VBAC) are sometimes possible after the bikini cut, but not usually after classical.

 

Please don't get pregnant believing that you can have an optional Cesarean. As far as I know, they are only performed when medically necessary. Your insurance company would probably not pay, even if you could get your doctor to agree to it.

[Stone]

Is it not important for children to have the same last names as both of their parents anymore?

[izzybelle]

i know a number of women who didn't change their name when they got married so they made their last name their kid's middle name. i also have some friends who have remarried so they also have a different last name from their kids. can complicate things with school a little, but as i've discovered so does divorce. with as common as divorce is these days you'd think the school disctricts would have their act together a little more than they do.

i don't think it's necessary for people to be married to raise happy wonderful kids but, because i want the same last name as my kids, i haven't changed mine back to my maiden name even though i don't like my ex's last name. i actually talked with them about it the other day and they would have no problem with my changing it. but... my ex is getting married and i don't want people assuming she's their mom and not me just because of the last name. i know it will happen anyway but i've chosen to not add to any confusion people might have.

[Matilda]

I think you need to slow down, and think about what you really want. You've only known this man for a year, are you sure you want to have a child with him? Once you have a child with him, whether or not you continue to have a romantic relationship, you will always have to have a parenting relationship. You need to really think if this is the man you want to father your child.

 

Also, think about the child and their stability. My daughter's father and I divorced when she was still a baby. It has been really hard on her to have never known her parents living together. Children want to have their parents living together. This makes them feel secure. Having their parents married adds to that feeling of security.

 

If you do decide you want to get pregnant, there is a really great book that I think all women should have. It is called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. It will tell you all you need to know about getting pregnant, or not getting pregnant. Plus, it has tons of great information about a woman's cycle, that all women should know.

 

As far as childbirth goes, I think you should educate yourself a bit more as Ladyjane said. I know I have had both a c-section and a vaginal delivery with an epidural. For me, the vaginal delivery was by far the easier of the 2. I have seen hundreds of epidurals done, and it is generally very fast, and only slightly uncomfortable. I don't remember even feeling it both times I had it done. They also do epidurals for c-sections unless it is an emergency, so keep that it mind.

[Karlise13]

In that you have known this man a short while, have had some ups and downs and are now in the process of possibly radically changing your life.

 

Have you talked to other parents about what it's like to bring a child into the world?

 

I'm not saying you need to get married, but a stable relationship is really crucial to making it through the first year of parenthood without destroying your bond.

 

People tend to romanticize what it's like to have a baby. Forget about labor and delivery. That's the easy part. Taking care of a helpless, tiny being who is completely dependent on you is a 24/7 job.

 

I would strongly recommend you volunteer some of your time helping a childed woman take care of her baby or several small children for a few days to get a taste of what it's all about. Yes, parenthood brings many people great joy. But IT IS NOT a romantic venture. No matter what kind of happy fuzzy misty pictures the Hallmark people paint.

 

I wish you good luck with your decision, but it does concern me when people have children to 'bring them closer' to their significant other.

 

Children can be a strain on a relationship. I'd take other posters' recommendations to read up on parenthood and do some research before taking the plunge.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You already mentioned that you and your boyfriend have been living together for three months, but there is no mention of how long the two of you have been together.

 

If you were my own daughter, the advice I'd give would be to at least hold off for another year. Twelve months isn't that long but it can make all the difference in the world regarding this very important life altering decision.

 

Make sure the relationship between you and your partner is solid first before considering starting a family. There is no job more difficult in the world than being a parent and it can be twice as difficult if you end up doing it alone. It takes more than just financial security to nurture a healthy, well adjusted child. It will - change how you live your life FOREVER.

 

One year, neptoon…just one more year. Then, if you both still want this baby you can go into it better prepared and much more confident that you have made a careful decision.

[neptoon]

Sorry, I forgot to specify the length of time I've known him. I've known him for about 5 years, and seeing each other for one year.

 

I can romanticize why I think he's right but logic also tells me he's right. I acknowledge the romantic and logical reasons.

 

Romantic reasons:

1. Because he buys cans of mandarin oranges -- I love them so much more than flowers.

2. Because he makes an effort to try to understand me.

3. Because I feel passionate about him and I can say that he's the only man I've ever been with that I've ever wanted to have a child with. I won't BS and say I wanted to have a child with any other man I've known.

4. Because I believe I make him happy from what I can see and not what he tells me.

5. Because I'm nuts about him.

 

Logical reasons:

1. Because we have problem solving skills that work well together -- we are diametrically opposite in our skillsets, yet we approach problems in a similar way.

2. Because we've already proven that we can work through things with each other.

3. Because he's ultra responsible with things -- he is reliable, dependable, and honest with the way he conducts his life.

4. Because I see how to give him encouragement and direction in his life. I understand his strengths, weaknesses/shortcomings, when he is upset (without him saying it) and when he is happy (without him saying it).

5. Because we can respect each other's differences without abandoning our own opinions/thoughts. We usually can meet half way and see that we're both right and walk away understanding the other's point of view, at the very least.

 

I have to go do something right now. I'll be back later about the marriage thing.